To Wives: Before You Were “Mommy”

 

When we found out that we were pregnant with my son (now 4), my husband and I became one of those “new parent” couples. We researched together, shopped together and made every choice surrounding the arrival of our new baby together. I’m talking right on down to the discussion of which wipes would represent the Thompson household. We went with pampers if you were wondering. If there was an amazing-race-like-show that somehow incorporated preparing for a new baby, we would have been all over that. We were a team.

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To greater prepare ourselves for baby boy’s arrival, we even took one of those courses for new parents offered by the hospital.

The class and the instructor couldn’t have met our expectations any more perfectly. The sweet gal who led the class was spritely, informative and gave entirely too detailed descriptions of her own deliveries. (Say that three times fast.) After learning everything from diaper changes to natural labor techniques, our 8 week course ended with a certificate and a tour of labor and delivery. We were prepared to become parents. We had the copied paper and our names written in sharpie to prove it.

But what wasn’t covered in that course, what would have been infinitely more valuable than any one bit of information we received in those few weeks, would have been the offering of a few simple words.

If only our instructor had sat us down and said, “Ladies, before you were Mommy, you were his. Men, before you were Daddy, you were hers. Remember this. Hold on to this. Keep these words precious to you.”

I wouldn’t have understood her. I might not have even understood her a few months later. But four years down the road, I would replay those words over and over in my heart, and I would know exactly what she had meant.

So if I could teach that class, if I could go back and instruct the bright faced greatly pregnant women and their overly eager husbands, I would say this,

Ladies, there will come a day when your husband walks in the door and you do not turn around. You will be preoccupied with filling up sippy cups and wiping booties. You will shout over the running bath water, “Hey! Glad you’re home.” But it won’t mean what it used to mean. It won’t be full of eager anticipation to spend time together. It will be full of expectations to aid in the demands of the family. “Glad you’re home,” will more properly translate, “Thank God for two extra hands to help me.” And “Praise the Lord I might get five minutes alone.”

Ladies, there will come a day when you spend every last ounce of yourselves on your children. The demands of life and the babies will come before any other priority. What little of yourself you have left at the end of the day will be used to crawl into bed before someone is awake to need you again. The thought of doing anything else after the children are asleep will sound impossible and your handsome husband’s happy smile had better mean he is willing to get up with the baby and nothing more. 

The husband that once completed your heart will be just one more person who needs you. The charming things that you fell for will go unnoticed. The daily grind will become expected.

Men, there will come a time when that beautiful bride sitting next to you hasn’t showered in days. She will be at her wit’s end wearing other people’s food and poop on her clothing. She will need to hear that she is beautiful, but she won’t listen to you. She will need to know that she is still lovable, but she won’t want you near her. When you arrive home after meeting the demands of work, you will be expected to meet the demands of your family. Your wife will hear none of your exhaustion, and you will see none of hers.

Men, you will call home to ask a quick question and anticipate a two-minute conversation. Half of it will be spent listening to your wife talk to your kids. As a matter of fact, you will make it no more than a few sentences in to any conversation ever before your wife spurts out direction to your children.“Don’t climb that!” or “Don’t sit on your sister!” You will become accustomed to these outbursts, but you will forget that there was ever a time when you had her full attention.

But Ladies, when Mommy becomes your name, remember this man. Remember that you are his wife. Remember how much you love and appreciate him in this moment. Remember his dedication to your family. Remember his love and devotion to you. And then, when the days are long and you need a break, fall into his arms.

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Men, remember your bride. The care and love that she has given you will soon be spilled over to your children. Her love for you will not change. Give her the grace to be enough even when she doesn’t feel like it. Remember when your days are long, hers are too. Remember her. Fall in love with her again.

Remember each other. Remember the two that made the family. Let the Lord lead you both together. Because when the days are endless and the hours short, it will only be His love who keeps you together. It will only be His mercy that gently guides your hearts as one. Hold tightly to one another, and even more tightly to the Lord. There is no greater adventure for you to experience and no greater gift than to walk through parenthood with your best friend.  You are a team. Every single day.

When they had heard these words, perhaps then, I would offer a certificate. Something that they could hold in their hands to remember that they were prepared.

So, to my friends, a reminder. Something for you to hold onto. A cue to look into the aged eyes of the one you love and see the one for whom your heart fell. May our words be sweet. May our hearts be received. And may we remember the love of our youth.

 

So, what’s the answer? How do we remember how to be a wives in the midst of motherhood? It’s been two and a half years since I wrote this post, and I have an answer!

Click the image below to find out how you can change your marriage in just 5 days!

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Comments

  • Senna says:

    Thank you. After 3 children in 2.5 years, I do not remember this often enough. It makes me feel a little better knowing that some families experience the same kind of chaos that we do. I am bookmarking this for my husband to read tonight once the littles are asleep :)

  • This is so good. So true. Very impotant to make time for dates with your spouse and connect one on one. Its hard to find this time,but it is super important. Thank you for this and tugging at my heart. Sometimes we as moms focus so much on the kids ,its hard not to.

  • Aubrey says:

    This is an utterly gorgeous post! This mama of three enjoyed reading it!

  • Andrea says:

    I feel like you wrote this for me today. Beautiful words!

  • Samantha says:

    This really hit the spot! My oldest will be 4 in March. We also have a 2 year old and a 3 month old! (Yes, we like our big overflowing cup of crazy!) I might just bookmark this and share with friends as they become parents for the first time too! You may easily forget who you were when you become who you are meant to be but it’s so important to remember.

  • Dustin says:

    I can appreciate the sacrifice that both parents make of themselves when having a child (I have a 14 month old). But how can you say that your husband became “just one more person who needs you?”

    My impression of your husband is that he is just as involved as I am, and that phrase really does him no credit. It should be a mutual need (of course, maybe you meant something I didn’t understand).

    I did get the impression that you handle the home front while he works. I commend you for this, and we are working to make the same thing a reality for our family. But, while you embrace the suck of the overwhelming needs and constant attention demands of the child and home, don’t forget his side of the coin.

    On the rare day that Jenny gets to stay home with the baby, I usually get one foot in the door after work before I get an armful of baby boy that is about to push her over the edge. Nobody really gets a break.

    I appreciate the spirit of your post, I really do. But don’t forget that we WANT you to collapse in our arms after a hard day. It provides a similarly good feeling to the one I get when my son finally exhausts himself and flops down on my chest just before bed. I want to be there for my family; it’s a reward unto itself.

    I don’t want my wife to be SuperMom. I want her to get that 5 or maybe 20 minutes to herself to just unwind. Your husband sounds like a great guy, so I can easily say that you ladies are not going it alone. I’d say the thing my wife is terrible at is being guilty for taking a nap or doing simple things to take care of herself. It boggles my mind.

    I guess that all I have to say is, just breathe. These times are good, and I’ll never forget them. They can be hard, but I have no regrets.

  • Mickale says:

    I could swear you were in my brain when you wrote this! Thank you for the great reminder!

  • Kaely says:

    This is a good reminder when ‘loving’ your spouse seems like another thing on the to do list that is forever long and never finished. It is so hard to find time to give attention fully or even half to your spouse when you have babies/toddlers and there is grace for that, but there can be so much hurt and damage done if you lose each other in that crazy time. We have 3 under 3 and life is nuts, but we are doing our best to continue to love each other and hold on to each other in the midst of the mess and sleep deprivation. Thank you for those words, I agree that these are the things that new parents need to hear, the labor breathing and diaper changes will sort themselves out. :)

  • Becky, thanks for your post. Sometimes we forget how much being a parent distracts from being a couple. We should never neglect either!

  • life says:

    Sitting at just about a yr fromy daughters birth.. I can relate all tooooo much to the gap between … She is all I think and tend to, he ends up being a person in the way,because he’s not used to the daily routine for some reason… But at least I know I’m not the only female going thru situations. Thank you.. good read, I cried.

  • Ken Rowe says:

    Ages ago in the clan days, families were more than just man/woman and children. The family included parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts and such.. and they ALL HELPED to raise the children. They provided insights to life that you personally didn’t have and made it so that we didn’t get overwhelmed with the in’s and outs of dealing with the care and raising of a child. Now that we’ve reached the age we are in now, independence is more important than family and we find it harder and harder to raise our children on our own. This is why it’s so important to keep extended family involved in the care/raising of our children. Love the blog. :)

    I’m a single father, so I don’t have the means of supporting a wife in the care of my children, but when I did have someone in my life, she was not the only one who took care of the children. I was always there to pick up when she was feeling overwhelmed and even preemptively help out so that she didn’t get to the point of not having the energy or time for me. I did this before I saw her getting frustrated or tired. Communication is the key to all things though.. when you find yourself reaching whits ends and having no more to give, being able to speak to your partner and share your feelings and frustrations is tantamount. Love and communication above all.. God bless.
    Ken

  • Robin says:

    These are beautiful words. Thank you for sharing. They mean so much to be as I am about to give birth to my husband and I’s first child in the next few weeks. I’ve been thinking a lot of about our relationship and how a baby will impact that. Great post and perfect timing.

  • Rhonda says:

    This inspired me to make a post-it. It simply reads:

    I am His.
    I am his.
    I am theirs.

  • Andrea says:

    Thank you for writing such a wonderful reminder! As a mommy of 4 (ages 9, 9, 7, and 4) I feel like I spent such a looong time in that stage of life, being totally spent on my children. If I may offer some encouragement to other readers; It goes by slowly, and the all at once. The verse that says “This too shall pass.” is true. There are still challenges, but they’re different, and not quite so exhausting. Keep walking as a team and let the challenges strengthen you and your spouse as a team.

  • Michael says:

    This is a really great post for new parents. We may post it on our refrigerator. I just don’t understand the “lord” rhetoric. How will the “lord” hold us together? Hopefully our love will hold us together and not some fictional idea.

  • Rebecca Manney says:

    Dustin – as a stay at home mom, I know what she meant by “just one more person who needs you.” She’s not saying that it’s true, she saying that sometimes it feels that way. My husband is incredibly helpful, and very hard working, but I still have days where I feel like I’ve given all I have and his innocent “what are we doing for dinner?” seems like more than I can handle. He’s always happy and willing to fend for himself for dinner, and that question really means “do you have something planned, or would you like me to make something?” Some days it just _feels_ like one more thing I should have been able to do, but couldn’t. It’s all about perspective, and after a frustrating day, it’s hard to see your husband for what he really is; a supportive, loving man who simply doesn’t know what your day has entailed. Similarly, it’s possible you don’t have the perspective of a stay at home mom, so this post doesn’t quite hit home for you. It’s understandable! But please don’t “disregard” her thoughts, because for so many of us, she hit the nail on the head.

  • Michelle Weston says:

    Thank you for this! I feel that there are so many moms that I need to share this with. I found from a friend that posted your link on FB, so I am new to your blog. Awesome words though. Saying what we know, but don’t [have time to] sit long enough to really say it in our heads. Thank you.

  • Amy B says:

    More of a reason not to have kids.

  • Kattie says:

    Hi I loved this and would like to subscribe to your page, but it seems to be a little dysfunctional at the moment! I will come back and try again but I just wanted to give you a heads up that its acting up.

  • Lisa says:

    The best advice I received while pregnant was from a wife and mother whose children were older. She said that she almost lost her marriage because of a lack of focus on the marriage. She said that if she could offer me any advice it was to put my husband before my children. To remember that the solid foundation in our home is my marriage. A happy and successful marriage makes a happy and successful family!

  • Leslie Cain says:

    I know this article was written about parents of newborns, but in my situation there were no newborns. However, when I married my husband he was raising two girls all by himself. Two girls who had never had a mother in their lives, and I was going to swoop in and save them with Mary Poppin like skills. Well, six years later, they are now 19 and 16, and I think I have just saw my husband for the first time like 6 months ago. We never got to be a couple, and sometimes it feels like the last time we saw each other was at the baggage claim when we returned from our honeymoon. So, new parents…. TAKE THIS ADVICE. Make time for each other, because they will grow up, they will need you less and less. And you don’t want to look across the living room and wonder who the stranger is in the recliner. That is the person you fell in love with, that is the person you chose to grow old with. I know your days are long, and you both are pulled in a thousand directions, but MAKE TIME to have TIME with each other, for one day time will be all you have!!

  • Chrissy Reott says:

    I LOVE THIS THANK YOU! Thanks to the 1st person who felt it was so important to proof her paper….NOT

  • Katie says:

    I loved reading this! My husband and I often review how to keep the romance alive and evaluate what we need from each other. Definitely more difficult to maintain matrimonial bliss with little ones and a growing family.

  • Cindy Wrenn says:

    After 35 years of marriage and raising two children, I can testify that article is so true. At some point in a marriage both parents will be overwhelmed b/c they want to be the best parents they can be. You do tend to forget that you were married to each other before those children came into your life. If you don’t keep the marriage going, no one is going to be happy. You can still live together, but you do have to spend time together without the kids. I urge all young couple with children to please find time for each other b/c someday it is only going to be you and him again. A lot of marriages actually fall apart b/c they have nothing in common with each other. I can’t imagine my life without my kids, but I have to say, I also can’t imagine my life without my husband. He has been and continues to be supportive and loving through the years. He completes me as a person. Don’t forget to say, “I love you.” everyday. You never know what life has in store for you.

  • Natasha says:

    It’s sad we have to be reminded to have good manners and practice courtesy. You should always greet a guest properly at the door and that especially includes your husband! It doesn’t matter what kind of a day you’ve had, husbands have crazy days too. My husband works at a refinery and there was a gas leak and a fire in one day. It was very stressful yet he still gave me a kiss and a proper greeting when he arrived home. My children practiced sitting on the couch with their hands folded and remaining completely silent so when my husband called they remembered to be good and quite. Now the baby is a different story 😉 but she will learn the same. Good manners go a long way in a marriage, for some reason our society has forgotten them. It was a very good post, but it reminds me just how barbaric our society has become.

  • kathy whitnore says:

    Beautiful! I am a grandma of 6 and I love it! Having little ones at our home helps me to better minister to young moms because when our grandchildren are with me, I am LIVING life like they do! Makes me more understanding and appreciative of all they do!

  • Danielle says:

    Did you write this for me? Seriously! After two weeks of the flu slowly going through our house and hitting each of us and all the laundry that entails, and the regular stress of having an 18 month old boy and a 4 year old boy it’s so easy to forget that. This was a much needed reminder. Way to hit the nail on the head… and make me cry onto my keyboard.

  • Abbie says:

    After 5 children in 3 years with two sets of twins. It’s over.

  • JM says:

    This article is extremely accurate. The priest that married us and our pediatrician told us that we have to put each other before our kids. I thought that’s not possible. How the heck do we even attempt to fulfill each other’s needs when our children require so much of our attention. Then they both had mentioned that our kids seeing our love for each other is the single most healthiest relationship building lesson our children can receive. I was convinced. And today, amidst the chaos of three kids 5 and under, we fulfill the immediate needs of our children, and MAKE time to take care of each other.

  • Ashley Webster says:

    Thank you for putting this down on paper. I needed this today and I think my husband needed me to read this. – Ashley

  • ray says:

    A well-written reminder of the battles we face every day, I think just having the foreknowledge itself is a big step to avoiding potentially devastating issues, and the issues that develop from not understanding this battle are stealthy, they creep up on us…so yeah, I would say this is a crucial reality to be aware of.

    One area that seems to really affect mothers often, and a few other comments touch on this, is that young mothers are so completely focused on children, and protecting and watching over them, that they neglect their own sanity…and taken to a certain level, it’s not good for anyone. Not only do mothers need the personal time, but their children need to learn to solve issues on their own.

    That’s one of the major observations I’ve made in regards to this topic, so I thought I’d throw that in. Thanks again for a wonderful read and inspiration!

  • JIMMY PEREZ says:

    Very well written.
    From a man that works a minimum of 70 hrs a week I can relate. We have a 2 month old and a 1.5 yr old. I spend my mornings with them and every single days off and of coarse I think I enough like all men think but to a stay at home Mom enough is Never a fact. I am that “thing” that needs her and is in the way at times. I’m ok with that, I try to be understanding although at times I’m also the one who thinks my 70+ hrs a week are tougher only to realize 168hrs a week she puts in might trump “tougher”. We hold on, we both try our best and we will make it!

    Great read. Thanks for sharing!

    PS. anonymous, sorry for my grammar, I hope you can still understand my statement lol

  • Katie says:

    I wish our birthing class had shared the same information. I wanted to laugh and cry. Definitely difficult to nurture the marriage with th nurturing of little people. Easy to type we have good and bad days. A healthy marriage is the backbone to this family I love so much!

  • Ashley says:

    Thank you thank you for this. I feel like I have been struggling SO much with keeping our relationship strong and including the Lord. My husband is close to apply for medical school so his days are long, full and exhausting…. and so are mine (dealing with mental health issues) so i feel our relationship suffers and we don’t have kids yet but after reading this I feel inspired to be better, to try a little harder to TRULY enjoy these days we have together, whether it’s 5 minutes before work/school or spending a couple of minutes talking before falling asleep.

    I cannot wait to share this, it has been so well written.

    Thank you!

  • Laura says:

    How can I get a copy of this article? I want to pass it along to my newly married granddaughter.
    Thank you

  • Stephanie says:

    Tears are streaming down my face as I read this. Your words are an exact depiction of my life right now, and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders with so many demands of me. Thank you for understanding me in this moment and for sharing with everyone who doesn’t understand yet but needs to hear it and tuck it away for later.

    Stephanie

  • Debra Ortiz says:

    Beautiful simply beautiful!!

  • Crystal says:

    Thank you for these words as they were greatly needed.

  • Mary says:

    I held back tears as I read your amazingly relatable article. Beautiful. I’ve already shared it with friends, and they love it too!

  • Celeste Lai says:

    I could not have read this at a better time. I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old, and I feel I have treated my husband exactly how you say not to at the end of the exact kind of day you described. Thank you because I don’t want to ever lose my best friend.

  • Rebecca Kingsley says:

    Thank you for the insight, and words of comfort but warning. We will be adding in probably less than a week, a life into our little family. I am so excited to hold him but looking back, I see even in the 3 years of marriage, I have not been as loving as I could have been to my sweet loved one. I have been very focused on “Baby” that I at times have failed to see what a blessing I have in my arms every evening. I pledge to see him and I know he will always see me.

  • T says:

    I like it. Good points. You seem to assume that Mom is at home and Dad is at work though, which is not always the case. Whether both parents work or one works though finding balance and time for each other is a big deal.

  • Phyllis says:

    Thank you for a beautifully written page on relationships. I think we all forget when we’ve had those “long” days that turn into “long weeks, months, years…even at my age (which I won’t put on this note).

  • Charle Cable says:

    I loved this post and sometimes I forgot these things about my husband. Our son is 20 months old as of yesterday. We always try to make time to spend together at night after our son goes to bed. Even if it’s just sitting on the couch watching TV and holding hands. I do not always make time for this awake because I often fall asleep on the couch but I really enjoyed your post and I will try to remember this when I get frustrated. Thank you!!

  • Christina Wiebe says:

    You’re dead on!!! My baby is 5 months old and things between the daddy and I are already starting to go weird:( yes we are married! This will really help to get our fire burning again :-)

  • Emptynester says:

    This is a great post and wish I could have read it when our children were small. We are now at the stage of life that it is “Just the Two Of Us” again. It is rather nice. I do remember, all too well, the times our children came before my husband. It was only by the grace of God that he stuck with me. We did go out on dates occasionally when they were small, but it wasn’t consistent. Once the children left, we had to rediscover how to be a couple and it wasn’t easy for me. I am grateful that we are still together. I could not imagine life without my husband. More importantly, I couldn’t imagine life without God!

  • Reyna says:

    Sorry but after 11yrs of marriage and 7 beautiful babies I can honestly say this does not ring true at all.My husband is and has always been my very best friend.When he walks through the door he is greeted with a smile,kiss and hello every time.I have never gone a day without showering and am never wearing food or poop!That’s pure laziness!I adore my husband and our lives together and give 100% at all times.I awake every morning in his arms and fall asleep in those same arms every night.I value him and he values me and there is nothing that could change that.

  • TAF says:

    I know that God put this on my timeline. I have been struggling with this for so long — My husband & I have two kids (2yrs & 9 mos) things are extremely hectic. Our intimacy is basically non-existent at this point & a few days ago I even broke down and told him I felt like all we were was two adults living together and raising kids.. He’s tired, I’m tired.. We have no time alone.. We have nothing together anymore.. This post has truly touched my heard today..

  • Such a wonderful post. I am so glad that it was posted on the Salt & Light Link up party. (http://becomingagodlywife.com/2014/01/27/salt-light-link-up-4/#more-1530)

  • Melody Helmes says:

    Thank you so much for posting this. I’m sitting here typing through my tears, so I apologize for typos. My husband and I are being blessed with a little girl very soon – about a week, in fact. Even though she is not here yet, I can already feel our attention slipping from each other to “the baby”. Preparation for our daughter seems to be the only topic these days, and I’ve been getting so frustrated and overwhelmed lately that I’ve nearly forgotten to be a wife. So, thank you again for posting; I’ll hold this message with me forever.

  • Kari says:

    Thank you for this. After 10 years and 4 kids I still experience this. My husband will come in from work and I will be washing dishes or vacuuming or whatever is in demand at the moment and just yell hey. Somedays he has been home for 10 minutes before we get the chance to speak. Life gets hectic and unfortunately sometimes we forget to slow down and just look at each other, actually see each other. The days when we finally do slow down we are both exhausted and don’t want to do anything but sit and watch a movie with each other. Things do eventually get easier :-) But while they are hard, hold on tight to your spouse, boyfriend, significant other because at the end of the day they are the one you can lean on.

  • Amber says:

    THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS!!

  • Dana says:

    Last week I felt God put this very topic on my heart, and I’ve been working hard to remember my best friend as I consider all the things I take on. It is so easy to put everyone else first and forget to put him there as I consider us a “team” and we put everyone else first together. We have definitely gotten off-balance with time for us, and I’m taking it back.

  • Hilary says:

    I actually DO teach prenatal class, and I love this. I am definitely going to add this to my list of things to talk about. Most of the couples, I would guess, aren’t married but it’s still true that their relationship needs to come first before there is hope for those babies. Lovely.

  • Bill says:

    My ex-wife and I focused our efforts and energies in parenthood. We ended up neglecting one another physically and emotionally. We made (and still make) a great parenting team, but by failing to prioritize our relationship we allowed our marriage to crumble. Remember your partner as a friend and lover first. Please learn from our mistake.

  • Laura Hawkins says:

    Wow, excellent message! A must read for moms and dads! I’ve been a mom for almost 11 years and while my two(11 & 8 in March)are old enough not to need me every second of the day, it can still be somewhat overwhelming. I can’t even type this without being stopped, lol. This hit home for even me. You really don’t realize how often you get caught up in the everyday hussle and bussle. Never take each other for granted!! Thank you!

  • Linsey says:

    I really needed this today. Thank you for the gentle reminder.

  • Stacy says:

    I’m 27. I’m not married nor do I have children, and I am not sure if I want either of those things, although I am getting to more of a place where I feel inclined at least toward finding a marriage partner. Having kids, though is still a thought that’s hard for me to stomach, and after reading this article I feel all the more terrified of the prospect of ever having children. This made it sound like hell! Who would want this for themselves?

    I know this is your own experience and probably the experience of many other people too, and I imagine that it is a pretty common thing to go through. But, does it have to be so hard? Are other parents out there (maybe more experienced ones) living in more peace and happiness and balance with family life, or is this just the way it is?

    I personally grew up in a home with parents who had a rather unhealthy, very emotionally draining relationship, and I’ve not had a good model for a balanced family life. It’s just discouraging to hear of my peers having similar issues. Hopefully it gets better??

  • shelly says:

    Lovely post! I’m a new Mommy to a 3 month old and right now I can relate a little to your words (with the food/poop on me and not showering) but I’m thankful to have read this now to keep your words in my mind when things get crazy! <3

  • Pamela Riffle says:

    What a blessing to read your article,wishing I had this advice when I was the Mother of two boys 13months apart, I have e-mailed your Article to my Sister in Australia whom I’m sure will pass it on to her Daughter in Newzealand!

  • Regina says:

    Beautifully written! Our children are 22,18,15. We have been married for almost 23 years and we agreed from the very beginning that our lives were going to focus on the children. We have great children, but our children are growing up and leaving (goal achieved) and we are trying to find our way back to each other. We made a mistake and there have been many situations that almost broke our family. If it weren’t for our commitment to God and our vows, I don’t think we would have lasted past 5 years. I praise the Lord for bringing us through and I hope I can serve young mothers by encouraging them to love their husbands and providing an occassional break for them during the day so they have some energy to love and be loved on by their man. A couple of years ago, I sat our children down and told them, “You have always had all of me, it hasn’t been fair to your Dad. I need to figure out what it means to put him before you and that means some things are going to change around here.”
    I will be sharing your post! Thank you for taking the time to find words for what so many feel and don’t understand until later in life. God bless you!

  • Elise says:

    Wow. Perfectly put, and I needed every word of it right now!!!!!!! Praise Jesus!

  • Lisa says:

    Would you believe this touched the heart of a woman who has been married almost 28 years and had 5 children with the man of her dreams? I haven’t been very good at putting this into practice and now my years of being “Mommy” are coming to a close with the last one getting ready to go off to college in 2 years and my husband has patiently waited to get me back full time. But I’m looking around at collateral damage and how I’ve let myself go – taken care of everything and everyone else, but me and us and I’ve got so much ground to reclaim physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It’s been wonderful years, but I wish I had clued into the realization along the way that mommy and wife aren’t melded roles, they are distinct and require different actions, and so it would be easier to slip back into this almost exclusively-wife role now. I’m just glad he’s still there and waiting. Most men don’t.

  • Jecelyn says:

    I can’t thank you enough for writing this. It is written so perfectly. Exactly what every new Mommy and Daddy need to hear. My husband and I have two daughters, ages 3 and 1. He left this up on our computer for me to read this morning. Absolutely exactly what he and I needed to hear. Thank you so much!!!

  • Linda says:

    I cried when I read this because it is so true. I feel so guilty so much when so many times my husband comes home from a long day at work and wants to be with me and spend time with me (amongst other things) and I am still busy with the little one and after she goes to bed, I either try to do my work (I have a part-time business in which I work from home) or I just want to go to bed. I need to think about him more. Thanks for the reminder.

  • Kellianne says:

    My son has been grown and gone almost 10yrs now. I loved reading this post so much…..the visual descriptions took me back to when he was a toddler, something I think about fondly now (yes ladies, you too will remember these frantic days with love – later). I stumbled upon this thru a FB posting, but I will an avid follower from this point forward. Congratulations on the success of this blog, and may more successes be in your future!

  • Amber says:

    I read this and tears streamed down my face! I have never needed a reminder of something so bad and at such perfect timing! I feel like God lead me to your blog at just the right moment!

  • Karen says:

    Beautifully written! Children are all gone now. I could have used guidance like this 35 years ago.its not that I didn’t know what the right thing to do was, but, your gentle reminder is like a godsend! I am going to pass this along. God bless you.

  • Sarah says:

    Thank you! This was so beautifully written and expressed!

  • Ruth says:

    Beautiful – thank you for those very wise words! After 20 years and 7 kids I still need that reminder to fall in love with my sweetheart again and to let him love me!

  • Jennifer Gross says:

    When I read this post, I started to cry. I felt like I was reading about my own life. Mi am a stay at home Mommy to a 20 months old and a 3 month old. I had my husband read this and he was amazed at how it describes us so well. Thank you for reminding us to never forget each other. Beautifully written!

  • Harry says:

    Thank you so much for this. I have never felt anything this strong before. I can now strongly say when the time comes for me to be married, I will always love with all my heart. And today, I have to enjoy in a good way. Not to just let it all be, I might get used to it and when I’m married, I might miss that feeling. I don’t want to be immature anymore. Marriage is a lifetime commitment.

  • As the mother of 4… ages 27, 25, 10 and nearly 8 (yes you read that right), I just want you to know that this too shall pass. The day will come again that you will be enjoying Saturday mornings drinking coffee in a quiet house, paging through the paper and watching the travel channel dreaming of all the trips you plan to take together. OK, yeah, when they’re teens that will periodically be interupted by 10 kids shouting running in the door, eating everything in the house and then leaving again just as abruptly, leaving behind a tornado like trail of ruins. And then, when they are really gone you’ll realize that the entire parenting experience felt just like that. Too much. All at once. And then gone. Too fast. All at once.

  • Travis says:

    Bless you and your family. Bless you for listening to our Father’s heart and sharing this revelation

    Brother in Christ

    Travis

  • Rachel Schulze says:

    I just discovered your blog.

    YOU ARE FABULOUS!

    Thank you for taking the time to share your words of wisdom and insight!

    I too, am a stay-at-home mommy and your blog is just what I need to keep my sanity and my spiritual life in check.

    :o)

  • Julie says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. You cannot imagine how much I needed to hear this, at this exact moment in time. I have never been more exhausted by my children than tonight(note that it is 2:45am when I am writing this!) after several weeks of culmination. My husband and I love each other very much but have had absolutely no time or energy to feed it. I feel awful about it. I beg for his help with the kids at every turn and he helps me as much as he can. We are both so worn out and have no time to even get a good night’s sleep, forget romantic dates or a night of fun together. Anytime I see a happy couple expecting their first baby, I want to take them by the shoulders and shake them and try to make them understand that although this is a happy event, you will never have this again(until the kids are grown). But then again, they probably wouldn’t listen. I didn’t, when I was in that position! Anyway, just having someone else put it into words for me is amazing. Thank you so much for this!

  • New Bride says:

    Love your sweet blog. My fiance and I are getting married in just a few weeks and since we both know we want to start a family soon, we’ve been talking about this subject for a while. My childhood wasn’t perfect (no ones is!) so I find myself having huge anxiety about balancing it all and keeping all the “balls in the air” on a consistent basis. This post’s subject is something I’ve thought about a lot. I am SO excited to be able to bring a little version of me and him into this world, but I don’t want being parents to change the awesome dynamic we have. Maybe that’s selfish, or maybe I’m not as ready as I think I am, but this post shows me that it can be done! There’s hope for finding happy balances. Thank you for that! Keep the great posts coming!

  • Amber says:

    When I read this, I cried. This is beautifully written and such strong words. I felt like I needed to hear, well technically read this. My husband and I have 3 children… 6 years, 4 years (today is her birthday), and 3 weeks. Tomorrow my husband and I will be together for 8 years. We will be married for 5 years on April 4th. I love this post and thank you for writing it! :)

  • Kim Gutierrez says:

    Thanks, very on point!!

  • Marissa says:

    Thank you for this. Our 1st baby is 6 months old. I have adjusted to being a mommy, but have struggled being a wife too. Work in progress. It is always helpful to know others experience this transition

  • kim says:

    These words are so touching & fitting to my current situation. I’m currently on maternity leave with my second child and feeling like I’m 100% mommy. My husband has repeatedly told me that I’m a great mom, but he wants me to show him some love & affection too. Although I know that the crazy hustle & bustle is temporary & doesn’t mean I love him any less, he strugles thinking I feel less for him today then I did on our wedding day. And although I have repeatedly told him that things will settle down in the comming months, he seems to forget that they willl. We went through this with our first child & after a few months & on to our son’s first birthday, things slowly got easier on the mommy front & better for us as a couple.

    You’re completely right about the parenting class…I wish someone would have told me, you’re life is about to completely change…you’re going to feel love that you’ve never before experienced…your marriage will change due to circumstance…be prepared & have faith…the day to day struggles and hustle & bustle will take over, over consume ever ounce of energy you have…remember your rock, your first love & the one you share this journey with; praise him…this may not make sense to you now, but remember it when things get tough during your journey of parenthood. I think that would’ve helped for sure. I know my husband still doesn’t understand all I do as a mommy & why there’s less time for him. It makes me feel terrible. I think that if someone would’ve had this conversation with him back then, he would see things a bit more clearly. I plan on sharing this with him in hopes that someone else’s feelings help him to see where I’m coming from, as well as reassure him that we’re not the only couple expreriencing this chaotic, yet amazing lifestyle.

  • Vanessa says:

    Thank you so much for this. We just had baby number 3 in September and I caught myself thinking in a panic, “Oh no! My marriage is growing cold! It’s struggling.” because of the simple things that you described in this article. I’m glad to know that its normal and thankful for the encouragement to do better. Thank you!

  • Bonita says:

    I wish every couple with children, expecting children or may ever consider having children would read this. You are a beautiful writer and have a lot of insight. I normally do not comment on things that I read but I had to on this. I hope both of my sons and their wives will read this because it is so true. This is something that we all know and realize but forget or cannot put into words but you did a more than excellent job of it. Thank you for your words and sacrifice of your time to do this.

  • quawana ashton says:

    This is absolutely beautiful. Thank you so much for this.

  • hope says:

    Thank You. It gave me gouse bumps made me cry and lifed me up.

    6 ten hr day mom of One 6yr old son. Two 4 yr old daughters.

  • Heather says:

    Loved this. This is something that my husband and I were taught in our premarital counseling, and although it felt weird at the time talking about babies and being parents, it rang true. It’s not something that comes easy just because someone has already taught it to you, and there are times that I need to remind myself that my husband is here too, and should really be my first priority! We were taught that the order of a woman’s priorities should be God, her husband, her children, and then everything else. I’ve been married 3.5 years now, and there are times that I mess that up. I will put my husband, my son, or both before God, or I’ll put my son before my husband. Things only work out right when I do things in the right order! I’ve learned that it’s just as tough for a mom to remember that her husband needs love and attention too, as it is for her husband to remember that she is still working all day, when she’s at home with the kids. But communication, love, and putting the kids to bed on time (in their own beds) can help you keep that order. As long as God is there helping guide you along the way!

  • mom of 2 says:

    I have to disagree with this. Although this may be true within some parents, me and my husband still have time for each other, we still cuddle on the couch and watch tv, it may be cartoons but we wouldn’t have it any other way, we still greet each other with a kiss when he comes home from work. We still sit and talk to each other about things on our minds, all these things that were mentioned that were negative about everything isn’t true, everyone make parenting sound hard, it isn’t, time consuming and putting little hands/hearts/children before yourself. We have two children a boy who is 2 and wilder & smarter than any two year old should be, and a 2 month baby girl, we love our life and God holds us all 4 in his hands, but like I said before I disagree with this. We all have opinions, this is mine.

  • Robyn Williams says:

    Well put! I have been married for 11 years and have 2 little people. I take for granted my husband. Thank you for sharing, it has touched my heart.

  • Eric says:

    Beautiful article and an excellent point. The other night my wife and I were talking about how, when our daughter is 5, we will have spent most of our marriage with a child. This is not an insignificant point when you consider that she will be our daughter for the rest of our lives. At the end of which, our marriage will have known only 4, short years without children when you take pregnancy into account. This was not a revelation for me, it was something I considered very seriously when I decided to go to one knee and ask her to become my wife. I knew then and still know today that children can’t make us drift apart as long as I make every step of the journey standing by her side…or maybe slightly apart and connected through two little hands linking us together forever.

  • […] To Wives: Before You Were “Mommy” » Scissortail SILK. […]

  • Alicia says:

    I love reading this. Thank you for the good read and the realness of it all :)

  • Rheostat says:

    This post brought my to tears. We are expecting our fifth child with a deployment on the horizon. I’m so glad I read this now, when I could work harder at showing my husband how much I love HIM before he leaves. Thank you. Thank you!!!

  • Danielle says:

    This was such a perfect thing to read today!!! I really needed this thank you!!!

  • Sad for my kids... says:

    I know how true this article is … My ex husband couldn’t accept or deal with the fact that my role as “mommy” had to supersede my role as “wife” by necessity. He worked long hours in the car business, while I was a busy stay at home mom to our 7 and 2 year old. Shortly after I got pregnant with our third child, he bolted. Had an affair with a co-worker and left us all for someone who could give him more attention. Wish he would have been man enough to understand the reality this article speaks to. Wish he understood that when you have kids, your wants and needs become secondary to theirs. Someday, I hope he will grow up and be man enough to be a real father.

  • Kim Guilmette says:

    So very true! As a mother of 4 I constantly find myself forgetting about my husband and our love! This really hit home and certainly reminded me that I need to remember my husband too! Thank you for posting this!

  • Sam A says:

    I absolutely love this post! Thank you so much for the wise words! I hope to remember this when my husband and I have kids. :)

  • Cindy Dacey says:

    I have been married for almost 30 years, our children are adults – 26 and 23 and I loved your post – this is so very true! Thank you!

  • Audrey says:

    Truer words have never been spoken!

  • pams hermens says:

    Maybe you should go back to that class and offer her your very wise words of wisdom. Maybe even offer to have a discussion during one of the classes. What you are saying is so true and all new parents need to know it

  • Thank you so much for writing this, I need encouragement like this daily. I need such a reminder of how much I truly love my husband and how much I should lean on him, not just be frustrated with him and demand help when he walks in the door.

  • Great post! I often fell into this way of thinking. Now 4 and a half years into parenthood I’ve been more focused on prioritizing her. No more yelling “mommy” across the house when I want her attention. I call her by her name. Just one subtle reminder that she is still her. She is not “just” MOMMY.

    Awesome stuff!

  • Nick says:

    Sorry I loved the end of this post but the beginning I didn’t like. You made it out to be miserable and almost depressing after you have children. If I didn’t have children and I read those paragraphs I would say to myself “why would someone ever want kids if that’s the case” my husband and I still make more than enough time for one another. He walks through the door, I give him the same loving kiss I always have just now I get the second kiss :) baby girl comes first. I think it’s a great post but not necessarily true to all families. It is what you make of it

  • Heather says:

    Beautifully said! I think we all needed to attend a class with such a warning.

  • I LOVE this! So very true. Thank you for taking the time to list all the wonderful and hard qualities it takes to be a mom and a wife!

  • Earlene says:

    I Love this!
    I’m a mother of 3 soon to be 4 and this definitely hit home! I’m so glad I took the time to read it. This was perfectly written.
    God Bless you!

  • IF ONLY says:

    If only someone had shared this with me 30 years ago, what a difference it would have made to my ‘back then’ family :-(

  • I definitely needed to read these beautiful words. As a mommy of 5 young children, the days do seem never-ending at times! Thanks so much for this reminder.

    Blessings!

  • Pamela says:

    I just want to say thank you so much for posting this! My husband and I are going through this right now and this post made us both read it and truly understand what is happening and the love is still there! Thank you so much!

  • M says:

    Why do all these article imply the norm is the mother staying home. A lot of women have careers not just the men

  • Erin says:

    Thank you! I loved this post and sent it to my husband to read thinking he would just skim and discard it but it actually started a wonderful conversation and he enjoyed it to.

  • Christy says:

    This is the perspective that I needed today. I am a full-time teacher and mom of 21-month-old twins. My husband travels Mon-Fri for work, so I am on my own for 4 or 5 days of the week. This can create a lot of resentment. I feel exhausted and need time to myself when he gets home on Friday, but he is tired from work and frustrated b/c he misses out on so much. Both of our frustrations have been coming to a head lately… I sent him this link. THANK YOU

  • danyelle says:

    What a great remi der. Every expecting parent and patents of kids need to read this. Definitely sharing!

  • Boss lady says:

    Very well said. I try to stay on top of things but it sometimes hies forgotten and unsaid. I will have to show this to my husband and maybe he will hear it out coming from someone else.

  • Angela says:

    I’m sitting here crying. This is exactly what I needed to have imprinted on my heart today. I’m a mother of two and pregnant with our third. My emotions are running high and this just hit home…tears are streaming! I also wish our instructor would have mentioned something like this….it is all so true. I feel encouraged by your words. I want to have many more moments cherishing each other.
    Thank you. So much.

  • Pat Parrish says:

    This is so precious!

  • Kristi says:

    As I wipe the tears streaming down my cheeks I want to thank you for writing this beautiful post. I pray for new parents out there, and seasoned ones too. I wish I would have been able to read it a year ago. I was too busy trying to be a perfect mommy, that I became an awful wife and lost my husband. I never thought tying to be an awesome parent would ruin my once great marriage. So many lessons are currently being learned, but I would go back in a heartbeat and try to change things so that my beautiful babies would grow up in a home with both their parents.
    This is very wise advice!!!

  • MoreMadlyInlove says:

    Most of the things I’ve read here are right on the money. But one thing that I want to point out as a wife is that I am more madly in love with my husband now with three kids than the first time I realized I loved him. By becoming a mother, I became a better wife. His selfless acts after he comes home from work to help me out at the end of the day, are the reason I love him even more.

  • Tinnie says:

    The truthfulness of your entry made me weep.

  • Victoria says:

    This was a brilliant read and so true. We had a 25 month old when our twins arrived so life was hectic but we made a conscious decision to have a date night once a month. Rules are: No discussions about the kids. No work stuff either. We were also lucky we had great babysitters. Happens so quickly that you start living passed each other. My girls are now 8 and twins 6 and we have had to work at our relationship. But it has been great fun.

  • Jim says:

    Typical biased, one sided blog entry. It is still very important to make time for each other and me and my wife always do. We have not lost anything for each other and cherish the time we have together, even when our kids are present. We even do choirs together and I would be in the bathroom with her not as “an extra pair of hands, but as a partner and we smile and enjoy the time. If a stay at home dad had written this, women would be up in arms.

  • Ann Lance says:

    I want to thank you for putting this together. I married my bes friend 16 years ago. We have a 12 year old son, 8 year old daughter, and were blessed 10 weeks ago with another beautiful baby boy. There are many days that I don’t even know if my husband and I have even spoke & I often long for just 5 minutes to cuddle like we used to, but fail to find the time. I read this between tears & have vowed to remember it every day.

  • Wise advice, beautifully written.

  • JA says:

    As a woman and mother of two, I find this post incredibly derogatory and bordering offensive. It implies that women completely lose their identity when they become mothers and that men aren’t capable of the equal parenting capabilities or skills. It’s this exact mindset that holds women back in the grand scheme of things.

  • Sherry says:

    This is great advice and well written. Most of the comments are great too, but as I scrolled through them I couldn’t help but notice a few negative ones and thought, ” why in the world are these folks who so clearly don’t get it even reading this blog.” I mean you are very clearly a Christian, so why someone who thinks the Lord is “fictitious” or someone who doesn’t have children and sees this as “a reason not to have kids” feels the need to post their opinions here is beyond me. Then I thought about how we just never know what avenues the Lord will use to bring a person to salvation and how that is also…. beyond me. I hope those folks keep reading your blog and find some of the love that is beyond human understanding in it. I am a first time reader as well. Keep up the good work.

  • Amber says:

    This is amazing, very true and very very well written. Thank you!

  • Stephanie says:

    To those of you who are commenting, why would you want to have kids after reading this posts, it is because not every day is like this. Kids are wonderful, amazing, funny creatures that just make you smile. Is it hard sometimes? Heck yeah, but what is life isn’t? Don’t you ever have a day at work that just makes you want to cry when you get home? Haven’t you ever gotten up to go to work in the morning, and it was the absolute last place you wanted to be heading? Parenthood is like that sometimes.

    To those of you with a 2 month old saying you cuddle your spouse every single day, and just don’t get it. Wait until you have multiple toddlers, or a preschooler and a toddler. It gets plain hard. If you truly have grown or teenage children and you have truly NEVER had a day like this, please come to my house and teach me. Seriously! I have an 11 yo, 8 yo, and 4 yo, and some days are just plain hard. If you can teach me how to make it easier, I absolutely will welcome the lesson. The lady who said her children practice quietly sitting on the couch, so that when the phone rings, her children know how to behave–BRILLIANT!!! Why have I never thought of that?

    This idea that we need to pour ourselves into our children is insane, and certainly contributes to why so many people find this post resonating with themselves, and is a large reason why many marriages end in divorce. I’ve watched too many friends get into extremely HUGE arguments over things involving kids because they forgot to put their spouse first (or sometimes even to put them in the picture at all). The first time I was leaving my oldest with my parents to take a vacation with my spouse, I was terrified to leave him. My pediatrician looked me square in the eye and gave me the best advice ever. “Honey, you made a promise to your husband till death do you part. You made a promise to this child to raise him to adulthood. He can’t ever learn to depend on other people in the world, and be a functioning adult, if you don’t let him spend time away from you. And your marriage will not last till death, if you don’t spend time loving your husband and enjoying time with just him.” He had 6 kids, with his oldest away at college–he was speaking from experience, and I took it to heart.

    My husband MUST come first before my kids. He loved me first and he will love me the most last. My kids will grow up and get married and have their own spouses. He will still be by my side. Best advice ever.

  • annonymous says:

    I am not a first time mom but am a new mom none the less. I just gave birth to my second beautiful baby boy a week and a half ago. His older brother will be three in August and hi older sister will be two in September. I dont typically click on these links to readings such as this but today when I saw yours something intrigued me. I toothpick those prenatal classes and my husband and I made every decision together and continue to do so regarding the children. From the simplest of things to anything big. I agree with you that you can get as intellectually prepared as you like but nothing can prepare you for the emotional side of things after having children. Essentially your life as you knew it is over and you are thrown in this new and amazing life that seems to be a never ending roller coaster. Just when you think you get the hang of it your climbing a new hill or rounding a new bend. You tend to lose sight of the things that were important to you before as you are consumed by this new ride.

    I found myself reading this with tears running down my face thinking “that is exactly right!!!” I couldn’t have said it better myself. That is exactly how things have been in my house and how I feel and I am sure my husband feels. Its the things I already knew on some level but needed someone to put into perspective for me. Your message has ultimately opened my eyes and helped me to see how to make things better for me and my family. You have a gift! Thankyou for sharing it!!!

  • Arj says:

    I have fead a lo of mommy b logs/ articles and most have been inspiring and have moved me deeply, but for some reason, this is the first that made me cry…I guess because you werent trying to make your readers cry (i.e. Pile on excessive sentimentality), but have truthfully shown the joys and hardship of being a parent.

  • Joy says:

    This truly, truly touched me and moved me to tears. Thank you for reminding me that, first and foremost, I am a wife. Thank you very much.

  • katie says:

    Wow-what an amazingly written blog post. I’m due in just 8 weeks and keep reminding my husband to enjoy all of the time we have together as just husband and wife because it will forever be changed once our little guy is in the picture. He blows off my comments, so I’m sending him here to read this. It hits home and gives me a glimpse of what my “new life” will entail, and of course reminds me that I will still need to put my husband at top priority.

  • LaTifa Jamal says:

    Very nice article!

  • Sheena says:

    Thank you! My husband and I are expecting our first baby and your message was loud and clear. Today I make the pledge to remember who we are as a couple before our family grew. Again, thank you!

  • Lisa Hutson says:

    Absolutely true.
    But I would go just a little further And express to both of them, that there will be plenty of days when you don’t even care about yourself, much less each other.
    Those days do pass.
    Not only do they pass, but it happens so fast. So much faster than you will believe.
    Commit to each other. No matter what. Just commit. Have faith. Know that the ”other side” is very different. But you both will know what you have gone thru to get there. You will know what you passed up. What you missed out on. And it will be so worth it.
    And then you get to have grandchildren. 😉

  • Karen says:

    I cried from beginning to end. This is exactly where we are in my marriage. I wish I could undo it, guess I can only start from today. I know my husband feels like my kids are more important than him. I don’t mean for it to be that way. It just kinda happens.

  • Ali Gilbert says:

    I love, love, love this article! Thanks for sharing!!!

  • […] To Wives: Before You were “Mommy”: “So, to my friends, a reminder. Something for you to hold onto. A cue to look into the aged eyes of the one you love and see the one for whom your heart fell. May our words be sweet. May our heart be received. And may we remember the love of our youth.” […]

  • Jacqui says:

    A note to Dustin.
    My husband is amazing. He provides for our family, parents our children and is a partner to me. But when the kids were little, there were some things he just didn’t get, and I see the same thing in your post. It is not just that your wife might feel guilty about taking a nap, it is often just not possible. When mine were tiny either I needed to be awake for their safety or they were climbing on my head while I tried to sleep. By the time hubby got home in the afternoon I had had twelve hours of constant touch. I didn’t want to fall into anothers arms, I wanted to have my body to me for five minutes. I was physically overstimulated while emotionally exhausted. My hubby was great, but even his wanting me to be his wife and partner at times felt like just another demand. Even your saying to your wife that she should make time for herself to have a nap can feel like a demand or criticism at the time – even though your intention is only to love and support her. It is a difficult and exhausting time, but it does pass. My baby is now five and at school and finally I am starting to re-find myself and redefine myself as something other than mother. Hubby and I are still in love and still supporting one another. We both did our best while the babies were young, and now we are able to relax more and enjoy the ride – together.

  • Mrspk3 says:

    VERY well said!! It’s very true, and if only more men could comprehend this.

  • Jackie says:

    you make having a family sound awful. Also, it is not a woman’s responsibility to spend all day with the kids-why don’t you get a job, put them in daycare and maybe you would all be happier! Or, your husband could stay home.

  • AMM says:

    I love that the assumption in this post is that the woman is at home with the child. Life is a little more complicated these days than a woman being preoccupied solely with raising her children, while her husband exhausts himself at his job. I may not be covered in “other people’s food and poop on my clothing,” but I may be tired from working 9 hours outside the home. I find it all just a little too “cutesy” and “mad men-esque” to assume a man will lose his unshowered bride to the rigors of parenting. Give me a break.

  • Jaimie says:

    I was brought to tears reading this. Thank you for putting it into such beautiful words, laced with grace and love. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for three, and 7 months pregnant with our first baby… a boy :-) We are so grateful to God for bringing us together, and this article was so encouraging to my heart! Blessings!

  • Samantha Farkas says:

    Thank u for that. It’s so true! Couldn’t reflect my husband and I more! Kids change everything and we lose ourselves as a couple in them.

  • […] To Wives: Before You Were Mummy – With my daughter just over a year old this post brings up some good points about parenting and marriage. […]

  • Michele says:

    Thank u for putting my exact feelings of guilt into words that make sense. I literally burst into tears as read this holding my son. I don’t mean to be at edge and exhausted when his dad comes home, but i know he feels like he no longer exists. I’m glad I’m not the only one to make this mistake.

  • Cheryl says:

    Thank you for this post! 17 years married, 3 kids aged 8-2 and this rang so true for me. I could go on and tell you how God is working in my heart right now to try and restore a marriage overwhelmed by kids and career but suffice it to say this was a gentle and loving reminder to me today of what God has been teaching me.

  • Maria Cruz says:

    Well said.

  • I must say that with, 2 beautiful, intelligent and very respectful sons of my own, that my heart has nvr been so touched and completely understood . I hv nvr thought of my life & how it was 20 yrs ago without them. Raising 2, compl!etely helpless and innocent babies to become pillars to our future is sooo horrifying but yet extremely fullfilling that the second ur eyes open & u c their unbelievable pretty little eyes, pretty little toes, pretty little fingers and pretty little nose ? The only thing I cld do was and is to thank “our gracious Lord &Father” every second I possibly can and always will .
    thank u to the “anonymous” and ever so loving & truly touching soul whome I love so dearly (congratulations by the way for another great niece to add to my gratefullness) love to u all.

  • Michael says:

    Before you were Mommy;

    My wife just asked me to read this and it brought me to tears….every husband should read this and bless and worship their wife. It really makes you appreciate your special lady, the love of my life
    Thankyou

  • Rose-Marie says:

    very well said and thank you

  • Jennifer says:

    This is one if the reasons why we chose not to have children. We married at 31/33, dual military, moving constantly – how to fit a child? Now at 40/42, our lives have been crafted into a very deep friendship and romance that we could never have with children. I see this with my parents after raising 3-kids; they tolerate one another after 40- yrs of marriage.

    I would love to see more parents have stronger self-esteem and relationships for one another,a s you’re the role-model for your children. This isn’t about you being selfish, you’re still doing it for your children, family.

  • Brian W says:

    As a father-to-be, I appreciate the sentiments expressed here. And while this may sound like a quibble, there are some usage issues here (that I often see elsewhere as well):

    My bride is who I married; my wife is who I’m married to.

    Her groom is who she married; her husband is who she’s married to.

    These terms are not interchangeable because neither of us is the same person we were when we married. We’re much different, much better, much *more* now.

  • Monna Aaron says:

    Your article is very interesting and true.

    Thank you

    Monna

  • miranda says:

    What a great blog It is sad when this happens to couples I have been married for 16 yrs and we have 6 great kids who know exactly who mom and dad loved first and it was not them. My husband and I still snuggle on the coach,I work night shift and my husband always walks with me to the car to say goodbye and give me a kiss.We know that when our children are grown it will be just us again so we keep the spark going.

  • Doug says:

    Excellent!! From a husband of 23 years and six kids; Men, continue to fight for your wife, be a warrior. Continue to win her heart over and over again. When she knows you are fighting for her time, her attention, her love, you will never lose it. She will never have to seek affirmation anywhere but from you. Our families need real warriors to protect them and prepare the next generaion.

  • Bobbie says:

    I really needed this. Thank you!

  • Andrea says:

    This is very true, but always make time for each other because one day you can wake up after 16 years of marriage with a 13 year old, an 11 year old and a 6 year old. And your husband that has always been there will fall down and not get up, except to go to the Lord, so no matter how tired you are always embrace your spouse with love when they get home, because you never know when it may be the last one. It is possible because I can honestly say that my husband and I always made that time for each other and I am thankful for that piece of mind.

  • Kira says:

    Wow. God put you into my life today in such a powerful way! Thank you for wisdom and your words. I am a new mom (6 months) and can see how parenthood can spiral right out of control. What a great reminder to keep one another above our children. You are so right about the Lord being the center of marriage. It’s only through his unconditional love that we can experience His way of marriage and parenthood. I once heard a pastor give this advice at a wedding. Husbands-always always continue to court your wife. Wives- always always continue to flirt with your husband.
    I have always remembered this! Anyways..thank you again for your words! They are so greatly appreciated!

  • And remember, too, that someday those kids that fill your every waking moment now will be grown and gone, and it will be just the two of you again. If you don’t make the time to nourish your relationship now, you’ll have nothing to say to each other then but “Who are you?”

  • Jean Newgard says:

    WOW that was the most beautiful piece of truth that I have read in a long time. thanks for sharing

  • ash says:

    While I did truly enjoy this blog post and I thought u had a lot of truthful and heartfelt sentiments, I was a little disheartened at the “traditional roles” that you portray mom and dad in– the mom could be the second one home, the dad could be the one overseeing the children’s activities, etc. I get the point, but it all felt a little 1940’s to me (not to say that I don’t realize that people are still stay-at-home caregivers, but the majority of us aren’t or won’t be).

  • AB says:

    I would also like to add that when the kids get older it changes again. I have 4 kids, now ages 12-18. 4 small kids was very busy and as teenagers it’s all carpooling, going to sports training/games/races/performances. However, it is amazing to watch them grow and find their passion even more so when you and your partner do it together. We married and had kids very young but I feel we are more in love with each other and with the life and kids we have created. It’s hard work to keep it working but it’s worth the effort. Life is a journey and it’s who you travel with that makes it such a joy.

  • Kathy Haan says:

    I’m so glad I came across this–thank you!!

  • Elizabeth says:

    This is exactly why my husband and I do not want children. We have been happily married 14 years with minimal (close to none) stress. We have grown together without the nagging or neediness of children or any religion. We have many close friends yet we live for each other and that is all that will ever matter. Not everyone needs a child or a god.

  • Michelle says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    I’m transitioning in two ways with the birth of my second (now 5 months old) – for one, transitioning from Mommy of one to Mommy of two. Secondly, I’m transitioning from single mommy to partnered mommy. For me, these twin transitions have been hard – but transitioning from his wife to their mommy is easily the more difficult. Thank you for this blog. Thank you for this post. Thank you for voicing what I could not. Thank you. I will be sharing this with my husband.

    <3

  • […] Scissortail Silk :: To Wives, Before You Were “Mommy” […]

  • Mummy Chinggay says:

    God is really good ‘coz He has lead me to your blog and made me realize a lot of things. I am a newlywed of 2 years and had a 1 yr old adorable baby boy, we’re expecting another one in 3 months. We’re both working also and this has aggravated the situation more. This post is so timely because I felt all of it is about us. I have, in one way or another, has neglected my husband. It just made me miss him so much. Though we see each other everyday, the hustle and bustle of taking care of a lively toddler and trying to meet both ends at work and at home, has drained us of our desire to be together in the real sense of the word. I just pray that everything will be all right and that we’ll be able to make it trough somehow. Thanks a lot for sharing this! God bless and more power! :)

  • laura says:

    Yes. To all of it. No one said that the hardest part about parenting would be our marriage! We constantly have to remind ourselves 1) we love each other, 2) we have good intentions, and 3) GRACE. Marriage as parents is hard work. So glad we have God to help us – his power is made perfect in our weakness!

  • Sonia says:

    Thank you for these inspiring words! I printed this off for my husband to read as well. We’re coming up to our 2nd wedding anniversary — unlike you, we married quite late in life! (I was 33 when we got married).
    We’ve been trying for a baby for over a year now without success and I was just recently diagnosed with endometriosis. Over the last year+ we (I especially) have been so focused on trying to become a “mommy” that I know that I’ve lost my way as a wife now and then. I printed off your words, and also saved them to my hard drive so that I can be reminded in the future!
    I have been praying for a baby now for a long time. Could I ask for your favor to add us to your prayers? I turn 35 this February, so I know my “time” to be a mommy is nearly up, and I think that your kindness and your prayers added to ours can only help.
    Please keep writing, your words are inspirational,
    Sonia
    (I’m originally from Arlington, Texas, but now living in a small town in Australia where my husband is from)

  • Beth says:

    I needed to hear this. I’m 27 and my husband and I have been married for 8 years, and have 5 kids. I homeschool our oldest 3 (all boys) while chasing a strong willed 3 year old girl and 1 year old adventure seeking boy! I think you wrote this for me!
    Thank you for being so open, and sharing the live of our Father :) Without him nothing is possible!

  • […] read this article this morning and fell in love.   Something so simple and so meaningful.  With four […]

  • iamsweetbie says:

    This is exactly what I wanted to read as of this moment. Sometimes I feel like there’s something wrong with me after I got pregnant and gave birth. I feel like the “wife” was neglected and I did jump to the “mommy” mode. But after reading your thoughts about it, I was enlighten. Thank you so much for this words.

  • I was so encouraged by your blog, thank you! I am a 26 year old South African artist with 2 very busy little boys. I have recently expanded my artist brand by creating a website where I showcase my work and share snippets of my life though my blog. Balancing being a mom, wife, housekeeper, friend and business owner is quite an extraordinary task.I have been neglecting my wonderful hubby for the past 2 weeks and am now inspired to go to some extra effort with our marriage!

    Go have a peek at my blog at
    http://www.sammysheppard.com/blog/

    I would really love to get your feedback!!

  • […] week, I sat down at my computer and wrote a few thoughts about my life after having children. I shared my heart based on our own experiences as a family. I didn’t know the number of people […]

  • Rose says:

    I absolutely love your article. This could be any more correct. I lost my husband in June with two little kids and a baby on the way. We waited to have our kids until we had been married almost five years. We love our children and knew that the best way to raise them was as a team, but we also realized that we needed to stay connected to be that team. My advice to new parents is to make sure you make time for each other. Make a date night several times a month. And don’t ever take anything for granted…….because you never know when tomorrow with them will never come. My biggest regret is I don’t know if he realized how much I cherished our partnership and team work or if he really knew that he was truly my best friend..

  • Wanda says:

    Enjoyed your post and great advice for couples. I have to remind myself I married my husband and not my children or granchildren. I am a very involved Mom and Grandma. Grandpa still works so he doesn’t have as much time to spend with family. We are now spending our winters in Florida. I miss my 10 grandchildren during the winter so much but I know my time with my husband comes first. He works as a nurse here so we have a few days together here just hanging out together and it is great. We just celebrated 40 years together on Jan. 1st. He is the love of my life and a great provider. We both follow God’s plans for our lives together.(it wasn’t always that way). The kids know Mom and Dad are inseparable but will always be there for them and the grandkids no matter what. We both love God first and try to live by the Fruit of the Spirit. Galations 5:22-23. Hard to live by at times but we keep going. :)

  • Sophia says:

    Thank you for this post. I am so glad I came across your blog. To a mom of a busy 9-month-old boy, I hugged my husband last night and reminded him of how much I love him …Maybe something I should be doing more often than I do.

  • Barbara says:

    This is an amazing post! It truly captures so many real thing about being married and parenting. I have shared this everywhere possible. So glad I saw this. I will be reading your blog regularly now. Great work! Be blessed!

  • Diana says:

    Wonderful thoughts!! Thank you for sharing!!

  • Summer says:

    This is amazing accurate. I am so glad you wrote and posted this. I know I will be re-reading this as a reminder for years to come. We all need to realize that it has to be God, Husband, Kids. That is so hard to do at times and doesn’t mean that we neglect one or the other just means that we have to make time for them all. There is a happy medium and we has Christians, Wives, and mothers have to find it.

  • Dana says:

    Thanks for the wonderful reminder! We’re struggling with this now with three little girls vying for our attention (ages 3 1/2, 22 months, and 6 months).

  • Katrina Dunphy says:

    In my case we have been married for sixteen years and spent a good proportion of it trying desperately to have children. Its a life stage that passes that I would love to be able to experience

  • Katrina says:

    You have touched my heart tonight. My husband and I had a long break between kids (8 years) and with the addition of a new baby (4 months) we are having a little trouble remembering the role we play to each other. Thanks so much for the reminder! :)
    Be blessed!

  • Michael Fister says:

    Good Evening Becky,

    My fiance and I just read this together (she found it so I will give all the credit to her). We are very blessed with where we are in our relationship in spite of the road that brought us to today. We, by the grace of God, have overcome many hurtles with an unexpected pregnancy, tough conversations with parents, and making sure that we are re-focusing on what is most important our relationship with God and this new life that will be entering the world.

    First, we both want to let you know that this post has touched us in ways that I am sure that we don’t quite understand at this moment and we thank you for sharing your heart with the world. We have come so far from where we were and we know that we have a long way to go.

    We are just entering into the 3rd trimester, home stretch! As part of our story God has shown us that He has a plan for us in the midst of our mistakes not in the absence of them. Our friendship and love for one another has grown exponentially with the focal point being our growing relationship with God.

    Thank you again for this advice about remembering what brought us together in the first place.

    Please keep us in your prayers that God will continue to work in both of our lives individually as well as a couple.

    Blessings,
    Michael & Andrea

    PS off to give Andrea a back rub….

  • Win says:

    Wow. Just…WOW. Spot On Sister. I hope this reaches the millions of people out there that need to see it. You have a beautiful gift, your writing.

  • l manka says:

    I have been married 25 years with 2 grown daughters. I now help with my neices (5&6months). We were told this to an extent when we took lamaze classes. I was so thankful to her for that. My husband and I make it a point to have a date night and sometimes a surprise weekend getaway. Thank you for sharing this with other parents. Children need to see their parents happy and in love.

  • Christine says:

    Wow, are you sure you aren’t a fly on the wall at my house??? Exact feelings as a stay at hole mom with 3 energetic boys. I know this is a stage but your message is so spot on and a reason why so many men start having affairs. Thank you!

  • “She will need to hear that she is beautiful, but she won’t listen to you.” I’ve been married 26 years. Last night I discovered my husband had thanked me for dinner 3 times and I hadn’t heard him once. And I was sad.

    Yes. Our ears get full of other people. I was reviewing my son’s homework to help him. Being a good mommy.

    Fortunately, my husband and I have talked about our selective hearing. We had a good laugh when my ears finally became unclogged.

    I’m so glad you are realizing this when your children are young because you will tend you marriage. And love needs tending. It’s so worth it. So, so worth it.

    Great piece!

  • You are such an inspiration to all momma’s out there. I have raised most of my six kids and have lived a lot of what you have and are going through in your life. I wished I had some of your knowledgeable points way back then. I now have 3 married children, 2 of them with kids (one is expecting her second in two months). I am going to pass this blog along to them and anyone else I feel can use your inspiring thoughts and insights.

    Thank-you, Lorelei

  • Kendra says:

    Abba Father’s timing is impeccable! You saved my life tonight with this one. Thank you for being obedient to the Spirit’s leading and writing this! To God be the glory! One more saved from the snare of the enemy!

  • Krystal says:

    Thank you for the much needed reminder

  • […] weeks featured post from me is called To Wives: Before You Were “Mommy” . This was such a great reminder to us moms that even though we are moms and that is super […]

  • Melanie says:

    This is a very nice post. I am a mom of three ages 12, 11, and 2. I will be married 10 years in October. Yes we had our children 11 12 months apart and waited to get married. We wanted to be sure that the pressures of parenthood and marriage did not overwhelm us and it was the best thing we had ever done. We started out almost right away with kid. I was living in a new city with my family and friends thousands of miles away. All I had was my other half. Yes we had many days where we did not have time with each other but I always looked forward to him coming home from work. We always kiss goodbye whether we are in a rush or mad at each other. I think that looking at him like he is just someone else that needs attention actually can be healthy if you think about that in the right way. I give my husband his attention whether it is cooking his favorite meal, or having his laundry done and folded and put away, or laying with him watching some show that I hate before bed. Sometimes I just sit and listen to what he had to do at work all day. Those are the things that show him that I care. We don’t get date night very often but make it a point to laugh at the simple things and enjoy what our lives are at the moment instead of what they could be.

  • Jen C says:

    Thank you for this post. I am yet to become a Mum myself, but I hope to one of these days. This post is actually one of the things I fear the most about becoming a mother; not having time to make sure my wonderful man knows how much I love him. I will keep this very much in mind in the years to come.

  • Tim says:

    Thank you so much for reminding me once again about how amazingly lucky I am to be married to the woman of my dreams! I can completely relate to the step by step baby-prep stage you described! However, I never could have prepared myself enough for the love and joy I feel to have added a precious little boy to our family! And I most definitely couldn’t have prepared myself for the “warm fuzzies” I get when I come home to see my wife and son excited to see me! Being a dad really is so much more amazing than anyone could have ever prepared me for!!

  • Kandra S says:

    Thank you so much for this. I cant help but cry as I sit here, trying to take a quick break from my stay at home mom job, hair is a mess, wearing the same thing I have been wearing for days, hiding from my demanding 2.5 year old and my wailing 1 year old. The other night, the loss of that connection with my husband kept me awake until 4am, until I finally silently cried myself to sleep while looking at the back of his head on the other side of two children. I know someday I may get it back, but having kids has taken away the time I once had to be the person my husband fell in love with. We were the same as you, we were a super team, we were SO READY to rock this parenting thing. now, 2 and a half years later, I couldn’t be more humbled. I am frightened by the future, though I try not to dwell. He thinks I am no longer the person he thought I was when we married, I tell him I am, but I do not have the freedom to show him. planning out a few getaways with him soon, but its a heavy burden to bare <3

  • […] was on top a foundation of Child of God. (A wonderful reminder of this foundation can be found in this post at Scissortail […]

  • I am truely blessed by the message you have shared.

    Thank you indeed.

  • Misty says:

    Thank you! Such a great post. I’m a mum of 4 boys (10,7,5,2) so it’s always crazy at my house and I do feel like this most days when my hubby gets home. It’s a nice reminder

  • mj says:

    I absolutely believe in what you’ve said 100%!! I just want to add that NOW is the time to make sure you are spending enough time on your marriage- spending time just as a wife. We never know when the chance to do so will be taken from us. I am tge river of an 8 & 10 year old. I became so focused on the kids, thinking that my husband and I would gave our time once they were older. Since my husband has recently passed away, I’ve realized that there is no more time for us. So, in addition to your lovely words, I would add take the time NOW.

  • JJ Wong says:

    Sincere thanks for the great writing Becky Thompson! Relationship is an important lesson that we need to learn everyday, sharing more care, love to each other, and learn to understand each other, from greatness to weakness.

    It’s a life lesson we had towards our partner, the one we choose.

  • Rhona says:

    This is a great article, however, I do believe BOTH parents need to be on board in terms of putting each other first. It is not a one-way street and not just one sided. Yes, this is true that many women get caught up in the role of mother BUT men can also just as easily get caught up in their careers/jobs/ventures etc and not have anything left to give to their spouse. In our 10 year marriage we have experienced both. I have 3 young children to care for, am nearly 8 months pregnant with my fourth child and my husband has recently embarked on starting his own business so I completely understand the pressures. I would recommend couples BOTH TOGETHER read this post and BOTH decide in their hearts how this will work for them. Patience, patience and more patience is required by both husband and wife, lots of grace, forgiveness, a fierce commitment to one another and sheer determination to make it work.

  • Elizabeth says:

    Thank you for this post. I have a 2.5 year old a 2 month old. I also work as a labor and delivery nurse at night two nights a week. I am beyond exhausted and sometimes I feel like I neglect my husband. If I feel that way I can only imagine how he feels sometimes. Thank you for the reminder! May God bless you and your family!

  • What a great article, thank you :)

  • Nicole says:

    Read this because someone shared it on facebook. It is nicely written and I get the message is that you can’t forget about your significant other, but just hearing the description of that day made me not want to have children.

  • […] To wives: before you were mommy […]

  • Eddy says:

    Wonderfully written! My wife seems to be obsessed with our first baby and her possessiveness even keeps me away from being equally participative in our child’s care. It doesn’t allow me the flexibility to even handle things at times my way. I have become so frustrated and irritated with her imposing behaviour, and ignorance towards me that I feel a permanent wedge has come between us.

  • Angela says:

    I’m not a mom, I’m not even married, but this post spoke to me. I am a hopeless romantic, and I am determined to keep my love with my husband (to-be) fiery and strong til the end of our lives. I still believe we can do it. I just have to remember it won’t be as easy as I think.

    Thank you so much =’)

  • […] to read a beautiful blog shared to me by an officemate/friend/fellow mom.  The link from this blog which she shared to me is entitled, To Wives: Before You Were “Mommy.”  I have also read a […]

  • Sharmista says:

    Wow! Just Wow!
    I so love every word written in this article.
    I am a proud mommy of lovely munchkin girl who is going to turn 2 this March.
    Felt so good reading this! We have had our tough times post natal and with my depression to cope up..was a big thing…
    The best part is when your spouse puts your arms around you and says things will be fine :) I am definitely going to share this article with him once he is back from office today…
    you made my day!

  • Thank you so much for this… I feel like I had forgotten this while we have a 5 year hold and an 11 month old… thank you for reminding me.

  • Breanna says:

    I’m sorry, but I couldn’t agree with most of this post. If that’s what my life boils down to, then I don’t want children. You make it sound like letting yourself go is acceptable. That lack of intimacy and communication is healthy. This sounds so very wrong. Yes, having children is going to cut back the number of intimate moments. However, your hygiene shouldn’t change because of children. You shouldn’t stop trying.

    I may not have children yet, but the happiest couples I have ever seen, are the couples who keep dating, who keep TRYING after children and after being married for what seems like forever. Not only that, but I am not “his” and he is not “mine”. We aren’t possessions that belong to each other. We share ourselves with each other, that is true, but we are not things. The only things I agreed with in this post were that the Lord’s guidance and remembering to be a team are the things that will get you through it.

    I may not dress myself to feel like a super star every day after children, but I can sure as hell guarantee you, I’m not going to stay in clothes that have feces on them. And I will not go “days” without showering. That’s disgusting. Thanks, but no thanks.

  • […] stumbled upon a blog post entitled “To Wives: Before You Were Mommy” a week ago or so. When I read it, I was like, “This is me! This is my […]

  • Shubha says:

    Lovely article. As a mother of 2, I can totally relate to every word written here. Wish my husband and I could take out more time for each other amongst all the chaos :-(

  • Ram Chan says:

    The Proposal makes a bride and her groom,the wedding makes them husband and his wife,and their first born makes the Father-Mother a fusion parents.So the Hind Sight suggests that in order to be born this little mischievous thing planned you coming together! In other words Falling in Love leads one into Parentage.

  • Prerna says:

    That was a wonderfull expression of what togetherness mean for a couple.

  • Vanitha says:

    Thanks for the wonderful message. This is really thoughtful and we all moms need to know the most. I will definitely share it with my husband. Thanks again.

  • Sharon says:

    thank you.. love the way you wrote it..

  • […] 1. “To wives: before you were ‘Mommy’” by Scissortail Silk Great reminder. A must read. […]

  • Thank you for this much needed reminder.

  • […] To Wives: Before You Were “Mommy” :: So much of this rings true. If you have kids, this is a worthwhile read. […]

  • […] Before You Were Mommy. […]

  • Shannon K. says:

    I’m an atheist, but the message was heard loud and clear. This post made me laugh out loud and tear up at the same time. It was like you saw right inside my head and heart. Thanks for that.

  • Lyndaloper says:

    I think every expectant couple should be required to read this. It’s also good for us in-laws. We sometimes forget those days and think or say the wrong thing to our “child” about their spouse. We must pray each day all day for us to set the right example for our entire family. All we have to do is trust in our Lord and ask.

  • Melody says:

    Wow! Thank you. My husband and I are going through some of these struggles right now. It’s always nice to know that this is “normal” and others have dealt with the same things. It’s reassuring that there is something positive to look forward to. Thank you.

  • Brianne says:

    My wife just shared this post with me. I’m sitting at work and it ripped my heart out of my chest, slapped it around, then shoved it back in – thank you! We have a 7 month old at home, our first. I wouldn’t have understood this if I had read it 7 months and 1 day ago. Beautiful post, beautifully written, and much appreciated. PS – I never comment on blogs I read; this one moved me to do so. Thanks!

  • Carol Paul says:

    I love your post! It’s so true!! I have been married for more than 27 wonderful years and have 4 kids (aged 17-26) My husband and I started a weekly family tradition 14 plus years ago in our house that has kept us connected as a couple and as a family…we have yet to fall into separate, traditional roles. We are a TEAM always! I still feel like we are the couple we were when we were dating :)

  • kenneth says:

    I is sad to say that even some grandmothers who take over
    the respinsibility of parenting can forget about being a wife first.
    After 33 years not going anywhere but would like to have my wife back. Just neede a place to vent.

  • Sara says:

    I love this. I just want to let you know that I am quoting the whole italic section of this post and layering it over a beautiful photo I got this summer of my husband and I walking hand in hand on the beach at sunset. I am having it printed and giving it to my husband as a valentines day gift.

    We have 3 kids 7, 4, and 2 and your words are absolutely true and speak directly to my heart. Thank you for putting into words something so important to remember. So inspiring! Thank you.

  • […] Posts constantly pull at my heart string. The Post that hit home lately was Before you Were Mommy. (Read it HERE) As a Mom of two and having to work Full time to support our family while my husband finishes up […]

  • Awesome words of encouragement. Thanks.

  • Christy says:

    Thank you for this. I wanted to tell you that I am going to be starting my first childbirth education class this weekend, and I have every intention of using your letter, whether word-for-word or in my own words, as a final farewell to my students when they finish their last class. I had already felt burdened to put a greater emphasis on marriage in my class than I feel most birthing classes do, as the husband and wife’s relationship can be so enriched and benefited by their learning to work together during pregnancy to actively prepare for birth, and I want to dispel the myth that the husband’s job in the pregnancy and birth process begins and ends at conception. He can be her greatest coach, cheerleader, and support through all the highs and lows if they commit to being real and deliberate through the preparation. After a 12-week class with this emphasis, I can’t wait to include this beautiful message as the icing on the cake. Again, thank you!

  • rachel says:

    this is so ture.

  • […] found a new blog to follow, Scissortail Silk. In January, she posted an entry titled “To Wives: Before You Were ‘Mommy’” and it made me […]

  • Lil says:

    Thank you for sharing your post! I have been married for 10 months and look forward to becoming a mommy in the next few years. It is great to have this kind of advice beforehand where no books can teach it to us. I just recently started my own blogand decided to write about the impact of your post, so thanks for the little note of inspiration. : )

  • Cheryl says:

    Nicely written. This article, though, presupposes that Mommies get to stay at home and daddies go off to work. If only it were that simple.

  • Debbie Hughes says:

    This is a great read! I am the mother of 8 children, all grown now, but I could see myself in your post. I wish there was a way to respond to some comments as I would like to try to explain to Dustin what you meant by saying your husband becomes “just one more person who needs you”. I remember the days when I would wake up at 5:00 in the morning to get my husband off to work, to then wake my children up to get them to school, then spend all day with the ones not in school. My youngest was very clingy and there were days when my husband would come home from work and I would have to say, please don’t touch me, my skin is burning from all the grabbing and touching and poking (and I don’t mean hugging or hand holding) For wives who stay at home and it is their “job” (though I considered it a privilege just as much) to take care of everyone, there comes a time when you feel that if you have to do one more thing for one more person that you just might explode. That person would be your husband when he walks in the door. It was not meant as a slap to any husband, just the truth. The mom has given and given to the child all day (or to those at work) and when the husband comes in there is a certain amount of, oh Lord, what is he gonna want from me now… dinner? (I haven’t even had lunch)… sex? (I haven’t showered or slept in 3 days)… is he actually going to want me to listen to him complain about his day when I have horror stories of my own? She was saying that these are the thoughts that we need to put behind us and remember what brought about that precious little life in the first place…our love for one another. When we become parents, our first priority becomes the life that God entrusted to us, because that little person can’t take care of itself. We must do everything for it. Every situation is an emergency! But after all those emergencies are over, we need to fall into each other, together fall into God, and remember who we were first; A husband, a wife, a lover, a friend. This is a lesson well learned!

  • Jo Kralicek says:

    We have triplet boys, now 14. This blog was a great reminder of life before the boys and you can’t do it by yourselves, even with a helpful husband like mine. God gives me strength and patience every day for our kids and I couldn’t do it without Him. Not that long ago I suffered a blood clot and it put my life into focus with God. After recovery, I came to the stark realization that I am really nothing without Him. He carried me through the blood clot and I’m still living for Him and able to care for our family. In having a better relationship with Him, I have a better relationship with my hubby. :)this post went sideways I should have honored my hubby but there you go!

  • Anonymous says:

    This was a great article that I wished I has read when our daughter was small. She is twenty now but this applies even after the kids are grown and you are taking care of aging parents. Life is a cycle and this same type of exhaustion comes about taking care of everyone. We cannot forget each other at this time either as we should be enjoying each other now but life threw us another challenge similar to raising children. Thanks for listening.

  • Linda says:

    Lovely reminder for us. I must admit I have been truly blessed. There hasn’t been very many days in 37 years that I haven’t been told I’m pretty. Even when I KNOW I look or smell gross. My husband has been so supportive and patient with me. This has been a wonderful example for my children, too. Remember, they are watching and can see all the hugs and kisses. That is a reminder of the security of their family. I am truly blessed.

  • Ali says:

    This kind of makes me not want to have kids

  • Gemma says:

    Oh Jenny, thank you for this beautiful, beautiful post. I resonated with me (and my husband after I emailed it to him!) so so much. I feel as if you’ve been looking into our world and ever so eloquently put everything into words. Brought a tear to my eye and made me remember what really is important. Thank you! X

  • Gemma says:

    **Oh Becky. Not Jenny. Sorry!

  • Kitee says:

    I’m so grateful for the mothers who blog…they’ve made me realise how demanding and exhausting children are- they seem to consume entire identities and aspirations. Reading about mothers’ experiences has made me so very appreciative of the time and energy my own parents have expended on my siblings and I. It has also made me realise that I never want to become a mother…I’ll be more than happy just to be the welcomed aunty, giving my family a break from their offspring when needed!

  • Loretta says:

    Hello;)
    This was beautiful! Absolutely loved it. And needed it tonight, as my husband and I tackle each other for one single moment of peace and quiet –with our phones (ha!) yes—our phones. On the one night where we are kid free–thanks to grandma—we are excited to see our phones! Not each other. :(
    This post! This is what I came to—on my phone. Very needed. Thank you tons!!! Phone now going OFF…(lol)

    Btw–how long have you been blogging?
    Did you take any writing courses/ instruction?
    Your really good at it.
    ~Loretta

  • Erica Waymaster says:

    This is beautiful. Thank you for the reminder.

  • Anonymous says:

    This brought me to tears. Only a few hours earlier my frustrated husband asked why I was crying and I wasn’t able to give him an answer. This post is the answer. Baby #2 is due any day and #1 takes so much attention. I wish I could have gotten your certificate before I had birthed any children. I definitely wasn’t prepared to be Mommy. Thank you so much for writing this. What a true and heartfelt post.

  • […] Before You Were Mommy – Great post on who you were before you were Mommy. […]

  • Chantel says:

    So beautiful and true. Thank you and may God bless!

  • Deb says:

    This is an excellent article – I am a Mentor Mom for Mops and will be sharing it on our Facebook page. I am sure that these precious young mommies will be able to relate. The greatest gift you can give your hubby is respect – they need to know that. Thank You again for these “pearls” of truth! Bless ya

  • Anisha says:

    I stumbled upon your blog after following a link on Facebook and what a delight!

    I’m not a mummy but I am a wife and my husband and I have just started talking about starting a family. Thank you for your insight and candour. I’m going to try and remember these words as we start our journey.

    Looking forward to reading more from you!

  • Michelle McKoin says:

    I am glad you posted this. I was recently at a lingerie shower and this was my contribution to her. Just remember that if/when you decide to have a family “y’all came before they did and when they are grown and gone, y’all will remain together, so make that alone time happen”. My husband works shift work and as of right now, I am a full-time mom of 3, one of which is an infant, so it’s definitely a struggle for alone time. This is definitely my heartbeat/heart cry though, because I so desire just me and my husband together not talking about what bills lie ahead or what needs to be done at our house, but truly enjoying each other and reminiscing of all the wonderful moments we’ve had together! Thank you again!!!

  • Lisa says:

    What a beautifully true statement !!

    I am now a grandmother of 6 and your words have so much truth in them. Words I wished I had heard so many years ago. To those reading this, those 1st time mommy’s & daddy’s print this and reference back to it often, never take each other for granted !!

  • Krystal says:

    Thank you for sharing this! It is beautiful, and I couldn’t have put it better myself!

  • Insightful post. Thanks for sharing. This portion really stood out.

    “Ladies, before you were Mommy, you were his. Men, before you were Daddy, you were hers. Remember this. Hold on to this. Keep these words precious to you.”

    As a fairly new mom, my husband and I are well aware of this and we’e established a weekly date night.

  • […] can’t really understand fully what you’re going through, but be patient with him. Read this wonderful blog post about […]

  • Jessica says:

    The woman teaching our birth/baby class (our first child is due July 1) read this during our last session and it made me cry. This was so beautifully written and I could really relate — just imagining how even life’s most amazing blessing might present a challenge to even the most wonderful marriage. You’re right — it’s not something people talk about much. Thank you for these important reminders as we get ready to start this incredible journey — together. xoxoxo

  • Stacy Entin says:

    Beautiful. I am a PA in ob/gyn and I often give a talk to my soon to be new parents on the art of not losing each other. Brilliant that you have achieved a much larger audience!!!

  • Tracey says:

    This couldn’t have come at a better time. I needed this. The feeling I have bouncing through my body is exactly what you wrote. Thanks for finding the words for me.

  • Ross says:

    I am not married yet but my fiance and I have talked about kids. This reminds me that I still love her and need to show her that more!

  • Scott says:

    This is a great piece, very well written and totally needed. I get a lot of guys who want to talk about their marriage, but are afraid to ask more of their wives because she is a good mom. http://choosetotrust.com/2012/07/but-shes-a-good-mom

    It is also dangerous to let the marital relationship atrophy to the point where kids are the glue holding the house together. http://choosetotrust.com/2013/10/when-kids-are-the-glue

  • very well written..touched my heart, and it definitely touched my wife’s too, because she was the one who recommended me reading this post. a good reminder for a newly-wed like us. more so when majority of our time at the very moment is spent apart from each other, due to our work commitments. thank you so much for the beautiful post..

  • Lindsay says:

    Never read this blog before but this was a GREAT post to start with. Thank you. Needed to read this today! Thankful for God’s grace in our marriages. I was just thinking today about how I love to make everything about ME and how if there is anything going wrong it’s not MY fault. Help. This was such a great reminder to remember I am my hot man’s wife. And to extend grace to HIM because it’s NOT all about me. Yes, yes, yes.

  • acdc1221 says:

    Thanks so much for posting this. I was a mommy before I was married, but this still rings so true in my situation and was an important message for me to receive. Sometimes just the business of everyday life can take us away from our spouses.

  • Synnoveah says:

    I am now over 60 with three girls, ages 40, 30, and 16. Yes, quite a spread and the youngest will be with us always as she has Down Syndrome and Autism. So I still am dealing with a lot of what you are saying. It keeps me young.

  • Synnoveah says:

    Beautifully said. I am over 60, with three daughters ages 40, 30, and 16. Yes they are spread over decades. Keeps me young. The youngest will be with us always as she has Down Syndrome and Autism. So, I am and will ever always be dealing with those small kid issues that much younger mums deal with.

  • Sarah says:

    I am not yet “mommy”. I’m not even pregnant or married yet. But this is such a good thing to hear before it ever happens. I read it out loud to my significant other, and we both agreed that it was a good reminder for us to hang onto as we are starting that part of our chapter together soon.
    Thank you for that

  • Philana says:

    In the next week or I will begin packing up our home to move to meet my husband where he has started his new job two months ago. As I read this I literally could see my self doing these things as the story went on, even more so these last two months when he only comes home one night a week to see the boys:/ it’s like you wrote my story!
    But although the truth isn’t pretty sometimes, u need to hear it, and I guess today as I wait for him to come home and have picked up toys for the tenth time trying to keep the house tidy for when he gets home I feel reading this was meant for me:) something I didn’t want to hear but need to!
    So thanks for taking the time to share something so beautifully written , this I think will be frame in my kitchen at our new home, so I can see it daily and be reminded “to remember to the love of our
    Youth”.

  • Erin says:

    This post just scared the shit out of me. None of that sounds like a good time.

  • Stephanie Bishop says:

    Oh my gosh!! This has just touched my heart so-so much; I had to share it with my husband and we both were just so touched by your words. It would have been so perfect to have received these words as a new mommy 16 years ago, or even 4 years ago when I became a step mommy, and even 3 years ago when I became a new mommy again :)but hearing them now is so completely perfect for us right now. Thank you for reminding us how simple it could be to just be together in this journey of life and love; rather than as 2 separate people loving the same life.
    Keeping our hearts together, our minds engaged and our bodies ready to catch the other when we need to fall out for a few minutes…and our eyes on the prize; when our little monsters head out on their own journey of life and love and it’s just the 2 of us again. 😉

  • Steph says:

    Simply, thank you. I had tears in my eyes reading this and I have never commented on anything before. Our daughter is just over a year old, our first, and there have been those days that are harder than others. I never took any of those classes, but if I knew you would be there to say that I would have. That sums up the last year of my life and I never had the words to describe it, until I read this. Thank you very much & God bless!

  • Jessica says:

    Thank you for putting into words what I could not. This is beautiful, honest, and true.

  • Kay says:

    We’ve been married for 35 years. Had 4 daughters and 3 grandchildren thus far .This touched my heart and made me cry. It was so very good.So true. Thank You for sharing this.

  • Erica says:

    This was a wonderful article to read. After 18 months and two dates, I needed to read this. It made me cry but in a way that helped me to realize some things I need to be doing as a wife. I needed this, thank you :)

  • Cathi says:

    What you will find when you get to the other side of parenthood is that if the love is true and strong…you will become his again. AND, although you might not be able to think its possible, you will love each other even more. Because all the rough times, exhausting days, sleepless nights, hours of worrying- all the joys and bumps of parenting-makes for the most intimate relationship with your spouse.

  • Lauren says:

    Thank you. You have literally just described how I have been feeling and what our married life has turned into. I have been trying to explain to my husband that its not him. I am just so emotionally and physically exhausted by the end of the day two boys will do that to you. We are working towards fixing this though. We want things the way they were before.thank you for putting everything into words. It makes me feel so much Better that others feel the same way.

  • N.Dover says:

    I would add a couple of things. 1.Make sure that you do not ever place yourself in the position of being his Mommy. As in, don’t be the wife who says “you are NOT doing that/going there/buying that” (whatever) to your husband. Don’t do that. Mommy does that. If you want him to be a man–treat him like one. If you do that–you will feel like his momma and there is a subtle change. It is ok for a man to “cheat” on his momma. 2. Beginning in your own head…build him up. Don’t tear him down. A foolish woman destroys her house with her own hands. There is a temptation to vent to friends and family about his shortcomings and failures. Instead….start numbering the things about him that you especially appreciate. Build him up…build the children up….when you need to vent–take it to God.

  • This is an excellent article!! Thank you so much for the reminder! Hubby and I teach marriage retreats within the Army system and this is a truth we try to drive home during the sessions. It is so easy to become overwhelmed…believe me, we have 5 children! I am so thankful that my husband reminds me routinely that I am his, first and always. It is a blessing to be part of a team that cling together and cling to Him!

  • Kylie says:

    I can relate to a lot of this however as a mother who also works fulltime (as does husband) I find it difficult to relate to in a lot of ways. Advice for those of us who work and are trying to balance it all?

  • Rebecca Croley says:

    I have never read something more true then this. As a mother of 10 and 6 year old sons everyday is a challenge. There’s work, school, homework, laundry, practice or games and somewhere in there the expectation of food lol. But I am like you had I heard these words in that child birth class 11 years ago I would have thought that woman was crazy. Thank you for your beautiful words that’s touched so close to home.

  • Kathryn Walker says:

    This is all so very true. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how old your kids are. As a matter of fact I think it may be even more important as kids get older and we get even busier with the hustle and bustle of this GS they want to do. And God bless the men such as mine who love us enough to take on a ready made family. It is even harder for them not having been there from conception and having those biological ties. I have the most amazing husband in the world, and it’s when times are the roughest that I try and make sure he knows how much I love and appreciate him.

  • teri says:

    This is probably the most important advice any new or even tenured parents can receive. Well written and a touching read.

  • Heather says:

    This is spot on except that it assumes all women are SAHMs. Many of us are not. The article focuses on the idea of the man being away from the home and tackling the realities of work and then coming home at the end of the day, but so, so, so many of us ladies do the same. We work all day, then come home to be mommy all night, and it is freaking HARD. But I wouldn’t want anything else.

  • Angela says:

    Thank you for this reminder. We so easily forget – too easily. I am sharing this with all the mommies I know :)

  • Mars says:

    After a recent fight I just want to remind all that it’s not just the sippy cups and diapers that take your attention away – its the High School Graduation, trying to keep up with where the kids are, when there next activity is and what their work schedule is so you can plan vacations. It’s keeping the house and the laundry and managing the chores and responsibilities of each child. I have 4, 1 who just graduated, and as I am making the effort to remain relevant in my teenagers lives, I have to also remember to make the effort to tune my husband in.

  • Amber says:

    I needed this today. We have 5 children under 9. Need I say more? :)

  • Becki Dahmer says:

    I just wanted to say that this could not be a more appropriate post at this moment in my life. My husband and I got married last weekend and announced at the wedding the impending addition to our family this December. We did plan on the pregnancy, but in this honeymoon stage where we are so in love, its important to remember this when baby comes that we are so happy together!

  • WyoMom86 says:

    I LOVED this piece! I must say to all who read this….it’s temporary; this, too, shall pass.” I’m now a grandmother, but SO vividly remember the days you describe. I was so blessed to be a stay-at-home Mom when my three oldest were little! You are wise beyond your years and I want to be sure that my daughters and their hubbies read your words of wisdom! Life is much crazier for you young parents than it was for us in the 80’s and even 90’s. ‘Kids’ unplug yourselves and “BE WHERE YOU ARE” put down the electronics and pay attention to those you LOVE THE MOST – they won’t always be there! Very, very soon they will be grown and gone. You, SS, have an obvious relationship with Christ and in the end (and there WILL be an End) THAT relationship will be the ONLY thing that matters! Those who are lost, the time is now to learn of His unconditional love, His grace and His mercy, because only by that are we even able to draw a breath.

  • Toni says:

    Thank you so much for writing this. I currently am blessed to have 3 children under the age of 5 with 1 on the way and every word that you wrote resonated to my soul. I will remember these words. God is faithful! Thank you for using your gift to speak to so many that needed to hear this!

  • Ashley Lisenba says:

    Seriously brought tears to my eyes with how beautifully written this post is, and how much it spoke to my heart. My daughter and my husband are my two favorite people in this world, and he is without a doubt, my very BEST friend. He is such an amazing father, and sometimes I do long for the nights that we just got to be goofy us, with no bed time, and this thirst for one another. Now we are so busy with tea parties and bubble baths that any few minutes in between are left for a full sink of dishes, or the mountain of laundry that needs to be sorted and put away… and then I do catch myself sometimes ignoring his need for ME, his long for my touch, and the intimacy that was such a magical part of our relationship. This post was a nice reminder to make his need for me a little higher on my priority list.

    I value him, and I don’t want him to forget how we came to get this wonderful family in the first place.

    Thank you for this!

  • Lisa whitehead says:

    I found this article very familiar. My children are grown but I was diagnosed with cancer about two years ago and I find mysel tired all the time especially at bedtime. I don’t think my husband finds me attractive any more. I don’t have much hair and I have a port in my upper right chest, soI don’t blame him for this. He has been wonderful ever since I was diagnosed. I’m just saying it happens at other times in life.

  • lisa says:

    I hope that one day I will be able to read a wonderful piece on “After the Children”. I am a empty nester and life as I knew it for 30 years is gone. I still jump high for my kids, but they don’t react the same. I raised them to leave the nest and not to come back. I have succeeded, but I failed to teach them that I do want to know what is going on in their life and that they are still my babies.

  • I know this was written the beginning of this year, but I’m just now seeing it. Man, so true what you said! More need to see this & remember this after mommyhood. Thank you for sharing this! :)

  • Gloria Nigh says:

    This is so very, very true. My grand-daughter shared this with her very loving, handsome husband, and I read it. They have two beautiful daughters, that r the apples of there eyes!!! So proud of each of them and my great-grand-daughters. To bad i didnt have a understanding willing husband to help when our children were little. We may still b together, but I doubt it. Just wanted to say thank u for writing this!!!!

  • elena says:

    Hi I was wondering where I could get this in Spanish????? Think you I love this so much my husband would like to read this also but he does not read English….we have been married 11 years and have 4 kid’s one on the way..we got married young 16 but hes my best friend sometimes I fill like we are falling out of love but I hope when he reads this he will see we are meet to be….again think you so much

  • M says:

    Your words are so wonderful& true. I wish I had heard them many years ago & more so my husband. My kids are grown & we have divorced but I can help wondering if someone had told us this if it would have made a difference. Unfortunately I have always felt that the switch in our marriage from him being my focus to him having to share me with the kids was the beginning of the end. Tja

    Thanks again!

  • Amanda says:

    Thank you so much for these words! Just last night my fiancé and I had a “fight” just after getting into bed. We were both very tired (I more than usual because I’m expecting our second child and go to school full time) and all he wanted was some attention and love from me. Usually I can deal with his playing around to hold me, but last night I snapped and cried myself to sleep after his next words (“you’re right it’s not funny. What’s this relationship for anyway?)broke my heart. I’m not sure if he knew that I heard those words or that I was silently crying into my pillow. But I do know that there was an icy presence in that room with us holding us apart. He is my best friend and forever will be and I know I’m his. I’m going to share this with him so he can understand not only that I still love him deeply but that even when I’m at my worst he only makes me better. Thank you again for your inspiring words. They couldn’t have come at a better time!

  • AMPK says:

    Thank you.

  • Emily says:

    Beautifully said. Thank you. I am 5 months pregnant with mine n my husbands first child and this really touched me. We are 26 yrs old and so in love. I adore my husband and this is just a great reminder to not lose that in the craziness this little munchkin an future munchkins will bring<3

  • Carol says:

    What a beautiful post! I was blessed to have a woman tell me, “Your husband was a part of your life before your children came into it and he will be there when they are grown. Don’t ever forget to cherish and nourish that relationship.” Our children are now 21 and 19. While we live them dearly and miss them when they are away, we cherish the time we have together once again. Treasure each moment you have as a wife and mother. The blessings just continue to multiply!

  • Chelsea says:

    I’m a new mom of two under two, with my oldest son being 16 months and my youngest two weeks. I pretty much cried through this whole post. It all hits home to me. I hate that it does. My husband and I haven’t hit our 3rd anniversary yet and we have been through so much and this is where we are. This post reminds me of so many great moments but makes me overwhelmingly sad for the ones we never have. Our marriage has taken a back seat to our children, our number one priorities. As they should stay that way our marriage could still use a fire lit underneath it. From deployments to deaths, we have lost the sense of dating each other. We have many intimate moments that are the only times we get to be close to each other or feel any sort. My husband leaves tomorrow for three weeks and I’m sure my life will be nuts! As I have read this, I’m going to strive to report good things to my husband and complain less while he’s gone. I want to be his Proverbs 31 wife. No I’m not perfect, but your post has extremely opened my mind to working on our marriage as a team. Thank you so much for your true, humble, outspoken post.

  • Rachel says:

    My tears leave me speechless. Thank you for this wonderful post.

  • JB says:

    I cried when I read this. All of it is so true. A few things I would add from my own experience is that as a mom if you have a child plagued with an illness, you also as a mom are frequently wearing puke and snot. My daughter gets tubes in her ears in 2 days and I couldn’t be happier for a solution. For the past 6 months I have been puked on and used as a Kleenex millions of times. I will add tho, for the health of my child, I am happy to wear all of it. My husband have fought about everything from money to what was causing our daughters mysterious sickness for the last 6 months. Some days I really hated him. Sometimes it was for his indescretions in spending money, some days it was because he never picks up after himself. Some days it was because he prodded me for sex after very trying days at work or days home sick for my daughter. Kids definitely get in the way of the love for a husband and wife and why we even got together in the first place. BUT, when recently faced with the reality that he might not be around for a while, I realized that I NEEDED HIM. Not for his paycheck, or for help with family life, but because I needed my spouse. It was the reminder I needed that we do love each other on a visceral level. He is my best friend and soulmate and without him, I am less of a person – a lesser woman, a lesser mother, a lesser employer, a lesser everything. So thank you for an additional reminder of what a wonderful blessing my husband is to my life.

  • after 4 kids, all now grown.., I sure wish I had read this may moons ago.. I am trying desperately to reconnect with my husband… This was inspirational to remind me that I did at one time live only to please him, to pleasurably await his arrival home.. Thank you for the gentle reminder ♥

  • Susan says:

    So true; so sweetly stated. I don’t have time to read the other 300 comments but I’d just like to confess the day I realized I loved my son more than my husband. How? I afforded more grace to our son because he’s still learning, while I fumed at my husband for things he did or didn’t do and he should know better! I don’t want to be treated like that. We’re all God’s kids still learning till the day we die. I want and need grace! It isn’t just for ages 1-17. Grace broke through!

  • Edwina says:

    Absolutely fantastic! Its sooo true, Im about to hit print and give it to my hubby to read!

  • Rob Cortes says:

    Thank you for making me cry.
    Your words touched me deeply inside and reaffirmed the significant importance of remembering not to take each other for granted and how much I love and am in love with my family – my team.
    My wife and I are now the very proud parents of our beautiful 4 month old daughter – Sienna. She is our gift, our present, our world. Sadly, after a recent miscarriage we were informed that their was less than a 5% chance of falling pregnant ever again. What a sublime moment it is when I look at my 2 girls (my wife and Sienna) and they both smile lovingly at me. I could not be more happy, in love and blessed.

    Thank you once again,
    Take care and be safe,

    Rob Cortes

  • Peggue says:

    I’ve been married to the same man for 28 years! I wish some one had told us both this, it is so true! He deafantly was there before kid and will be there after they move out need to remember that to.

  • Amber says:

    Thank you so much for this! Its such a good reminder! My husband and I are in our early twenties and have 2 precious babies, both under 2, so its a bit of a challenge, but amazing at the same time, we get grumpy,impatient and aggravated with each other, but this article reminded me to focus on the positive! Even in almost 3 years of marriage its hard!

  • Rosalia says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you soooo much for this!!! You’re words I know are not only support but words from experience. It’s amazing how we feel like we stand alone when we feel alone, lost, and unloved, but then we have guiding lights, such as yourself, who remind us, we are NOT alone. We are not the first, and we will probably not be the last to feel this way. You’re words have reached me at such an overwhelming time in my life. It gives me hope and reminds me of my purpose to provide love, laughter, guidance and that the same time to accept these things for others. So thank you again, I feel as if you are a best friend I have never met but who supports me, and I know I support you. Though miles away and only through words on a website, know I support you and you are an amazing person. I can’t wait to read more of your blogs and others responses.

  • Sam says:

    I cried when I read this. I have an 18th month old, we’re living in a tiny apartment while we renovate our house and work has been busy for both of us. I’ve been feeling unappreciated but I’m sure hubby is too. I need to remember to take refuge in “us” instead of looking at it as one more responsibility. Thank you for your wonderful words.

  • Just sent this to both my son and daughter in law. They have twins coming in 9 wks.. I wish someone had said this to my hubby and myself. We’ve made thru 35 yrs this yr, but they may have been smoother for both of us, if we’d had something like this to have read to get us through those tougher times, with less bumps. You have written a wonderful piece that I think all first time parents should read. Thank you and GOD bless you! :)

  • Linda young says:

    This is wonderful advice and I counselled my infertility couples with the exact same advice. They struggle so that they lose sight of each other and their love. Then when they do achieve that longed for baby – they are in danger again of losing sight of their love and each other.

    Thank you for this much needed advice.

  • Oh so touching, what a beautiful read – and a very timely and important reminder for myself and many of my loved ones. Thank you for sharing!

  • As a wife and mother of five, I think I am having a midlife crisis and this post was here exactly when I needed it. I have put so much time and energy into my children that I have forgotten the man who I married. I struggle to find myself, let alone find him too. I do wish someone had explained to me before having children that I needed to not forget myself and my spouse. He was my universe and most of the time now, I wish he were anywhere but near me. After reading this post, I know I need to lean on God and reopen my heart to the man who started this journey with me. It frightens me to think of losing him. Thank you for this post…it has opened my eyes and heart to what I could possibly lose.

  • Justine Gutierrez says:

    I read this article in the most perfect timing! With a sick 4yo boy without anyone else’s help, juggling work and housechores, I can say this article perfectly describes our current situation now. I feel like it was written for me.

    Thank you.

  • Kait says:

    I needed this. My husband and I recently have been going through tough times due to exhaustion, little time spent together, and 100% time spent on our children and daily grind household stuff. He works the overnight shift, sleeps a good part of the day and then goes back to work. I’m home with the kids all day and night, and we are both tired. We are both needing each other, but each of us doesn’t see that in the other. We both need to read this, and I thank you deeply for writing it.

  • Rhonda Quintana says:

    I really enjoyed this post and can agree with it wholeheartedly. I never had the time of just the 2 of us because I had a child from a previous marriage butI am at the opposite end of this time in my life. My youngest just graduated high school. My daughter was away at Bible College for a year and has decided to come back home to finish her degree. I am happy to say that my husband and I are very excited about the next aspect of our life. We are looking forward to some just the 2 of us time and vacations. Thank you for your encouragement.

  • Meghan says:

    I am grateful because I received great advice before marriage and motherhood regarding the changes that couples experience after kids. My husband and I resolved early on to make our relationship a priority. I can safely say that, while we are very involved parents, we have never grown ambivalent about our marriage. I think this is good advice and, if more couples remembered the importance of maintaining a strong relationship, we would see fewer hurting marriages.

  • Jessica says:

    I am so thankful that you posted this to share on facebook. My husband and I are expecting our first child and I have already been thinking about this exact thing happening. I don’t want us to lose each other. Thank you again for this great story.

  • Hannah says:

    This made me cry. It is so true! Every day I have to remind myself to tell my husband how much I love him. The time goes by so fast and we have to be sure to cling to our love for each other.

  • VS says:

    this just touched my emotional heart-strings right now :) We just recently had our fourth baby, and this was all too true for me! Hence the tears flowed. (my excess hormones and lack of sleep didn’t help me stay composed either, haha) I got my husband to read it too, as it explains everything of what I’ve felt in the last years, that I don’t always know how to communicate to him
    Wonderfully written. Thank you!

  • anonymous says:

    A friend sent this to me today, knowing what my husband and I are going through right now. I really needed this. Every word hit home with me. I need to remember this when I have days of struggle. I am so exhausted by the end of the day, that when my husband needs me at the end of day, to be close to me, and be a couple again (and not just mommy and daddy), I just want to be alone and relax/sleep. Thank you so much for this! I kind of want to print it out and hang it on the fridge so that I am reminded every day that it’s a work in progress :)

  • Crystal says:

    Thank you for this brief moment of complete insight. Our first child is four, we recently received partial custody of his six year old son, and I am pregnant again. Joy was shortlived and it took me a month to figure out why because I honestly love all diaper changes, toe counting, nose wiping, and house readying.
    However, it has come to my attention that I do feel as if my husband is just bone more that needs me. I never asked him for an extra set of hands (I enjoy being overwhelmed as strange as that sounds). But when he looks at me I’m no longer a wife. Since I found out I was pregnant it has been hard to call him my husband.
    We have a complete laundry list of bother issues but these article encourages me since I am not alone.

  • Nicole Fletcher says:

    Tears in my eyes… just beautiful!

  • Courtney says:

    WOW…..Great message!!!!

  • Tanika says:

    Thank you so much for this. I am an new mom of twins ( only 9 weeks) and this entry hits perfectly at home. Thank you again!

  • Three boys within 14 months, I was thrust into motherhood myself. This post was wonderful! So articulate and perfect. So weird I just wrote about almost the same thing @ waitingforbedtime.com :)

  • jeris says:

    This was outstanding and oh so real. My three are big now 16, 18. And 21 but I remember those years when they were new too well. Great advice.

  • Tasha says:

    You have an amazing way with words. I love it! Thank you for this great reminder. I am now hoping to stay updated on your posts through Instagram.

  • Soraya Lane says:

    Wow, what a beautiful post. We have two boys & I love my husband so much still, but yes… it’s easy to forget what it was like to just be his. Thank you for sharing.

    Sometimes we start to take our husbands/wives for granted and not realize how much they do for us.

  • Tiffany says:

    I can’t believe how beautiful and touching this was when i read it. Everything in it is so true down to last wrd and it just makes me appreciate my husband and my beautiful children that much more;) Thankyou

  • Amber Butler says:

    This was really awesome! I needed to read this! We already have one son and I’m pregnant with our 2nd son. My hubby posted this link on my facebook wall and i cried reading it. hehe Thanks for writing this!

  • Yannin Harris says:

    This is a great article. It made me laugh and cry. I will always remember those words. Before I was Mommy, I was his.

  • Ammie says:

    I feel like you took a page from my life. I have a 3yr old and 2 yr old (10 months 2 days apart) and this is so my life. We also took that class and we also are living just as you mentioned. When he gets home I’m just ready for help, and forget about anything after the kids fall asleep lol. I just want to thank you for this read, and I am now following you on FB for more inspirational advice :)

  • Ashley says:

    Thank you so much for this post! As a mother of 3 under 3, my oldest will be 3 on the 20th, my second is 18 months, and my youngest is 2 months; my husband and I are very busy to say the least. This came right on time…again, thank you.

  • Linda says:

    I have been mommy for almost 13yrs now and I completely understand the need for us time. I have spent so much time on kids that I have almost let go of my husband completely. We have ha a few date nights but nothing that basically was just us. The talk was of kids or plans for the weekend with kids or something similar. I know I have neglected him on many occasions and in many ways. I almost do not know how to be both mommy and wife separately. 6 months ago we just had our last child and although I want more I know me physically having 4 is enough on us and my poor body at this point. I want and need time with my husband and am tired of the thoughts of him with someone else because I have neglected him. Not only has it been thoughts but fights because of this. I’ve never been anything other than a mommy and that’s all my mindset is, it’s time for mommy and daddy.

  • Thomas says:

    After reading this I couldn’t agree more. Every word is amazing, but I only had one concern and that was the part about remember that you love her. My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years and our son is about 15 months. Not one day goes by that I’m not thinking of her and how much I love her and how she is the greatest mother to my son I could ever ask for. But yes, my son has definitely taken plenty of time from our relationship and it honestly has only made us stronger. I loved the part about being on the phone and giving commands. I also was 100% sure that you were going to end blog with something like, “ok, baby’s asleep and I’m tired.” Lol, thank you for this though and congrats on the baby!

  • Rowena says:

    OK, so this is where I am right now. Crying and wondering what happened with us. I love my husband and daughter so much, but I miss “US” as a couple. Thankyoi for your beautiful words of hope.

  • Niki says:

    True true

  • Carrie says:

    Wish we heard these words. All we had for each other at the end of our marriage was contempt. We forgot we were husband and wife. We are now just mommy and daddy.

  • Cathy says:

    I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for this post.
    It was shared on FB by a friend of mine. I hardly ever read shared articles. I did with this one. I read it at exactly the right time and it shook me to the core. I read it again and again. Its so True. Thank you for giving me perspective again.

  • Brittany says:

    Ken Rowe, I couldn’t disagree more. If someone needs help, that is fine. But you can’t make a blanket statement and speak for others. I don’t need outside help, I don’t struggle, I don’t let people babysit, I don’t want my kids exposed tons of influence. It is fine if you feel differently but you can’t tell me what is important or how I should raise my kids. With all due respect. Blanket statements like that are never true for everyone. Of course family has a place but raising iour kids is our job alone, and it’s a privilege I’m very grateful for and don’t have to share with anyone. If it were up to our families, they would be taught things we feel very strongly against, like racism. I’m not offended or trying to offend, just offering a different perspective.

  • […] Seems like it has been a while since we had our picture taken, just the two of us. I read this article . It was […]

  • Joy says:

    All of this is very true. Parenting is tough, sometimes way tougher than you imagine it might be. Maybe I should say, usually tougher than you imagine.
    We have two children, ages 4 and 1, and there are definitely days my husband feels like one more person needing or wanting something from me. As a mother our personal boundaries are so stretched by children; we allow them to be stretched and we sacrifice our desires because we know our children are too young to understand that Mommy needs some alone time. However, when our husbands come home, we feel like, hallelujah, someone who is old enough to take care of their own needs for once!
    I saw one comment that made me laugh in disbelief— the mother of 5 who said she never had poop or food on her clothes and never went a day without showering. And said it was pure laziness for anyone who did. All I have to say about that is, she is either rich and has live-in help, or she has all her kids in daycare.
    To the ones who read this and said it made them nervous about having kids, I would say, if you feel that way, then maybe you should re-evaluate whether you really want kids at all, or at the very least, wait until your desire for kids is stronger than your fear of having them.

  • Lisa says:

    Beautiful words and couldn’t,t be more true! Thank you for this post it really hits home for me!

  • […] As I write this, we are well on our way to having a child. God has met us with great grace and has blessed me and Apple immensely in our marriage. Tonight, I read a very inspiring entry that my wife shared with me. Please read it here. […]

  • Joy says:

    I’m not a mommy yet, hopefully someday soon…. But these thoughts are amazing ones to keep in mind. Well said :)

  • […] Beautiful message to married couples with children. Don’t forget each other. […]

  • Andrea says:

    We have 3 children (ages 2, 6 and 8) and tomorrow is our anniversary. I almost forgot it because I was so busy taking care of my family, I forgot to take care of the person who helped me create this wonderful piece of heaven (that drives me out of my mind … daily, and then makes me happy to be alive in the next breath). Thank you for this. To my amazing husband. I love you.

  • Olivia says:

    What an amazing read! I am mommy to a 1 and 4 year old baby boy and sometimes you just forget. It’s really easy to forget when you are tag teaming the children into pajamas or cleaning the kitchen after someone got into the flour!! Like many of your other readers I am so glad to know I’m not alone and this!!

  • Elizabeth Sleigh says:

    Thank you for this! My husband and I are working on expanding our little family. And I am scared to the core…scared that I am going to forget him and our relationship. I tend to be consumed with whatever project I am working on so the thought of throwing a kid in the mix really scares me. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I now know that it is up to us to make it work.

  • Big D says:

    Very nice words about the effort needed to keep a marriage strong and healthy. It’s too bad the writer lost me and presumably many other non-religious folk in attaching success to holy guidance. Without “His” help you can’t expect to be successful. An unfortunate insertion of unnecessary wishful thinking to throw off an otherwise nice article.

  • […] To Wives: Before You Were Mommmy “Remember each other. Remember the two that made the family. Let the Lord lead you both […]

  • Diana says:

    I LOVED reading this article!! It was great to see that this Mommy of 3 is not alone in how I feel about being overwhelmed with the kids and trying to be a wife to my husband. Date nights are so rare (due to the cost of babysitting and crazy schedules with kids activities) but when we do have them, it is time that we treasure and enjoy our time catching up and being a “couple”. I feel like these words were written just for me! Thank you!! :)

  • Chari says:

    With a 4 week old newborn in the house and our 3rd year anniversary tomorrow, this really hit home! We are both so exhausted and have nothing planned. I know I have been distant lately, but I am just so darn tired lol! I am so glad to read that another woman know what I am going through. I will be praying about this because it has been on my mind a lot. Thank you so much for sharing. I have shared & will continue to share! God bless you and yours!

  • […] hers. Remember this. Hold on to this. Keep these words precious to you.” – Becky Thompson, To wives: Before you were mummy, Scissortail Silk Just read it, […]

  • Allison says:

    I just found your site a little while ago and I can’t tell you the impact it is already having on me. I thought so many things that I think on a daily basis was just me. I am in tears reading some of the posts because they are so true.

    Thank you for creating this site. Thank you for the posts. I wish I would have found this a few years ago when my husband and I were almost walking down the divorce path (we are still happily married, just celebrated our 9th anniversary).

    You have a new follower and I’m sure many more once I share your site.

  • Tammy says:

    This is amazing and wish I had this article about a year ago. My life revolved around my kids and like my now ex husband would say…I eat, sleep and breath our kid and never made time for him. I beat myself up over this everyday, he now lives with the women he cheated on me with. I ask myself everyday if I would of just given him a little more attention at night, would we be here today? It sickens me that I broke up our family and nowmy babies have to suffer from my mistake. Just wish I read this sooner so I could of realized how important he was too.

  • Cindy says:

    Ummm… did you listen in on mine and my husband’s phone conversation? I’m pretty sure you took those paragraphs straight out of my head. That is exactly our norm!

  • Excellent post, Becky and sounds like it has encouraged and moved a lot of people around the world – I don’t have children but I have a lot of friends who do and can see how powerfully these words will resonate with them.

    This feels like just the kind of piece that needs to go alongside some I have in a ‘Taboo Topic’ piece on my blog aimed at parents of young children when it hasn’t been all that easy [http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2013/05/07/taboo-topics-parents-of-young-children-intro] which shares some stories of new parents who didn’t find it all that easy… but there is also an amazing link there for parents of young children from a number of parents who have found inspiring ways to raise their children as world changers which i would love to share with you [some simple, some time-consuming] http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2013/08/18/how-to-raise-your-children-as-world-changersintro

    Thank you for this piece and may you be inspired and encouraged by your own words when necessary.

    Strength and love
    Brett Fish

  • […] To wives before you were ‘Mommy’ – an important reminder to both new moms and dads, by Becky Thompson […]

  • […] article To Wives: Before You Were Mommy on Scissortail Silk is 100% TRUE!!  I have always tried to keep James first but that has not always happened.  I […]

  • christine says:

    I could just cry. Right now I am juggling 3 little ones and trying to be a wife to. Some days I get so frustrated with my man cuz he demands of me when I NEED him. He doesn’t understand that I am still the same just harder to communicate it to him. I am confused myself sometimes as to what I feel. This article put it all in perspective for me, and I don’t feel so alone!!! Thanks for sharing and being real!!

  • Kim says:

    Thank you for posting this. My husband and I as well took the prenatal classes before our first child was born and you are definitely right, we need that reminder that we both need each other and need to make sure to reconnect with each other.

    I as well am going to save this for my husband to see and read :) :).

    Thank you :)

  • Valerie says:

    Thank you. At 6 months pregnant with our first child, I know these words are something that I need to hear, as well as remember.

  • Caitlin says:

    Thank you so much for this post!! I needed this so much!!

  • […] June 1: this blog post. It actually made me cry. It was so needed at this exact moment. http://www.scissortailsilk.com/2014/01/24/before-you-were-mommy/ […]

  • […] other day, I came across this blog post. It struck a cord with me because from time to time, hubby and I discuss how our marriage changed […]

  • Thank you for this after my son and a set of twin girls, it is sometimes hard to remember this…even after it’s been 9 years of marriage and our kids are getting older and none of the work is any less!! But thank you again for this I didn’t know that I needed to read this but I’m grateful that I did!!

  • Ryan says:

    I read this today and it instantly made me think of my wife and I. We have a 2 year old daughter and a new 10 week old daughter. My wife and I both work full time in jobs that require us to travel. We must toggle our schedules in order to make things work. When one of us is home alone, it definitely is a lot of work. Take the kids to day care, work all day, pick the kids up, make dinner, do baths, get them to bed. I related to the article. I shared it with my wife and the result was not good. She went on about how hard she works and how exhausting it is for her to do this when I am gone out of town for work. I tell her how much I appreciate what she does but, like in the article, it falls on deaf ears. It seems everything I do is wrong. I work full time, I cheat with my job and stay in town a lot so that I am not gone, I do the laundry and all of the yard work and half of the cooking. I am busy as well but you do not see me breaking down. She also went on about how the article only apples to a man that works and his stay at home wife. I explain how that is not the point at all. It is about remembering this is also about us, as a couple and how we need to always remember each other. But still she is upset. Just seems like she is never happy anymore and no matter what I do, I am always making it worse.

  • […] another note, I saw this message in a blogpost I read recently here. It struck me hard because this is the exact principle that I always keep in mind and always want […]

  • Angela McCarroll says:

    Add in a full time high stress job and this is especially true.

  • Kevin Greer says:

    Thank you for this. My mother sent this to both me and my wife while I am delpoyed. Ypr words cannot ring more true. God bless!

  • soke rabie says:

    ..and grandparents are bearing the result and evidence!

  • Justine says:

    Brought tears to my eyes. I have forgotten this and now to find my way back.

  • amber says:

    tears! thank you! 15 yrs, 3 kids, 1 husband.

  • Joanna says:

    What a well written, important article to write! I am fortunate enough to teach prenatal classes and will pass your words of wisdom along, as you wished. Thank you!

  • Emily says:

    I saw this come across my news feed from a friend and had to read it. It brought tears to my eyes as I knew every single word you wrote. My husband and I are the lucky ones. We have my mom in our home who demands we take time for ourselves. Our journey to parenthood has been a torturous one but has blessed us with two beautiful children and hopefully a third will come soon. I always preach to friends about focusing not just on the kids and the home, but your husband is one who needs you too, even if it’s cuddling on the couch zoning out to tv :) thank you for reminding ME that even in the trials of the everyday and the battles the devil tries to wage that we are stronger together than alone. Thank you.

  • KID NUMBER 7 says:

    After 6 kids our relationship has become All about the kids! My wife has all but forgotten what a husband is,. After gaining 15-20lbs after every kid her appearance is a mess. Forget about nice nails, make up or styling your hair.

    Ladies, I Know it is Very difficult!! And we try to help out, honestly we do. We work 50-60 hrs a week at our jobs and come home to a place where we are unwanted, except to clean, and bring home a paycheck!!

    I could not be More Frustrated..

    :(

  • Sy Hsu says:

    After 28 years of marriage and 4 children, my wife and I totally lost touch with each other. We looked for ways to steal time for ourselves rather than together. After I got sick with cancer for tge second time she left me…she got tired of having to care for someone that she was looking for ways to be away from. So during my year on chemotherapy, she sued for divorce, sold the house and took half the profit, took my entire 401k in place of the alimony for that year, I couldn’t keep paying since I was too sick to work, and stuck me with all the bills which bankrupt me since I couldn’t pay being only on disability…This all left me spiritually, emotionally, physically, and financially depressed while she enrolled in college to finally complete her degree.
    I said all that to say this, take this article to heart for the alternative is a broken heart by the one you fell in love with… don’t go there.

  • Sara says:

    My husband and I have just started trying to have our first bundle of joy. I cannot express to you my gratitude for sharing this post. I know we are embarking on a difficult but worthy journey. You have expressed perfectly all the fears I have with regards to our relationship, but with this expression, you have given me hope. Hope that We can do this; hope that Our love will grow. Times will get tough and we will take each other for granted, but We are what built this family. We promised each other we would be a team. I thank you greatly for your beautiful words. I will go back to them time and time again.

  • Heidi says:

    I cried as I got to the end of this because it is so true. In my case its a little different because my 2 oldest have an amazing soon to be stepfather and I am pregnant with our son. So often I take for granted what this man does for me and my children. The kids call him daddy because he has been here for us. So many times I could have broken, but he has always been by my side. I know I will end up taking him for granted every now and then, but thanks to this I will try and remember the man that I fell in love with.

  • Tricia says:

    LOVE THIS!!

  • Mandy V says:

    I do not have kids yet so this all hit really hard. Thank you for this!

  • Wow! This could be one particular of the most helpful blogs We’ve ever arrive across on this subject. Basically Fantastic. I am also a specialist in this topic so I can understand your effort.

  • Pat Brown says:

    YOU PUT INTO WORDS. WHAT SO MANY OF US COULD NOT. AND YOU ARE SO VERY RIGHT. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER. THANK YOU FOR HAVING THE WAY TO WRITER THEM DOWN. WHEN SO MANY OF US COULD NOT FIND THE WORDS TO SAY WHAT YOU DID. MAY GOD BLESS EACH PARENT, SOON TO BE PARENTS, PARENTS WITHE GROWN KIDS ECT. GOD BLESS AND I PRAY FOR GOOD HEALTH TO ALL. AND THANK YOU FOR THE ENCOUNTER WORDS TO ALWAYS REMEMBER. GOD BLESS US ALL.

  • Hi my loved one! I wish to say that this post is awesome, nice written and include almost all significant infos. I would like to look more posts like this .

  • Heidi Neil says:

    Thank you for your beautifully written words! You have hit home in so many ways!I’m greatful to you and your talent. May God give you a special blessing today! :)

  • Heidi Neil says:

    Beautifully written! Thank you!!

  • crystal says:

    Thank you for the reminder. Having 3 kids makes you forget the important things. God bless bless.

  • Sabrina says:

    After giving birth to 3 children and raising 2 more that in my heart are mine as well I have to say this is absolutely true! You have to put God at the center of your marriage and not forget about your spouse. Don’t get lost on the mundane routine. Don’t wake up one day and realize the kids have grown up, moved out, and you don’t know the man/woman sitting at the breakfast table. Take
    Take time for yourselves, your kids will thank you!

  • Krystle says:

    As a woman who has been married for almost 3 years and beginning to discuss starting a family this is an amazing post for both myself and my husband to read. I really appreciate you sharing this and have saved this post to re-read in the future. You have a wonderful blog and I look forward to reading more!

  • my anniversary is this Saturday and we just had our second baby two months ago. first is 3 years old. this post could not be any truer for me. sometimes i wonder if love is still there bc we are so tired and trying to just make sure the kids are in bed and or fed and clean. we don’t think to take care of our marriage as easily as we once did. but i love these words and will recite them to my hubby this weekend. it’s beautiful From one writer to another, thank you!

  • Rebecca Selenke says:

    I wish someone had told my husband and I this before we had our kids!! This needs to be on a canvas

  • Kari says:

    Hello, I just ran across your site and I love it already. This particular post is the reason the Lord led me here today. I needed to hear this oh so bad. Fell to tears as I was reading. Thank You for these sweet reminders!

  • Jane Purdy says:

    Thank you for this timeless reminder! I have 8 withing 11 years (now 7-18), and never truer words were written (except the Bible, and they deal with this issue, too!).
    I am studying to become a childbirth instructor, and I do believe I will incorporate this wisdom.
    Thanks again!

  • MysticMermaid says:

    Thisis so depressing. I am really glad I’m never having kids so I’ll never be second to my husband, or the “once beautiful bride.” I also never want my husband to be second to anyone else. Child free for me.

  • Cynthia says:

    Homerun. I feel like you just read my diary entry and wrote this to respond it. Made me cry to the point I couldn’t read anymore. Really hit home. Thank you for this. You are my blessing. <3

  • Jeff says:

    Holy Crap that was a great write up. Thank you. My wife and I have 2 boys (10 and 6). It’s challenging because my wife has a few diseases like fibromyalgia and depression, and that, well let’s say, can get in the way of doing things in the day. Over time I’ve learned how to deal with this better. Regardless of all this, your blog was helpful to always remember who I married, why I married her and even though it can get frustrating at times, to be as kind as possible even if she isn’t for whatever reason. In the end, hopefully the boys will have seen a good example and will become good Dad’s and Gentlemen. Thank you again and loved this write up.

  • I am 54 years old and it would have been a major change in my life if this advice would have been out during my child bearing years. I am two husbands since and maybe, just maybe I would have stayed and been more contented with the outcome to three children. But these wise words were not and I wonder just how much my life would have changed if they had been….Hmmmm Food for Thought.

  • Joanie says:

    Thank you so much for this article. Wow! It tells everything about my life it seems, and I only have one child however, both my husband and I had to work. He worked nights nights I worked days and I raised baby. It was mostly baby and me and now baby is 29, we are really close and I want that so much for my husband and him. They are close just not as much as we are. What a wonderful story and all couples should read it before their children are born. You have a talent!

    Again, Thank you so much!
    Joanie

  • Miranda says:

    Thank u!! Thank u!! Thank u!! It’s comforting knowing I am not alone including my amazing husband and daughters!!! I am a mommy of 3 daughters ages 13, 2 & 1…with our first child we felt this but only somewhat…but with the births of our two youngest daughters we r experiencing everything..word for word..I couldn’t help but get so very very emotional (boohooing like a baby) while reading this!! It’s like u have been a fly on my wall and r describing what u c!! And u r oh so right about nobody preparing u for all this…I mean it’s the little things that people take for granted like the daily hellos and goodbyes!!! We always say them but now it’s recognized how truly significant something as simple this really is!! I’m not gonna go on and on…trust me I could lol) but I am needed again and it’s now 1:15am!! I never understood when my mommy would say “a man works dusk til dawn but a woman’s work is NEVER done”. I do now….your words r remarkable!!! Thank u!! Thank u!!! Thank u!!!! (By the way…this took me three hrs to complete). :-)

  • Brandie says:

    I loved this post and shared it on my own wall. It was well written. I also read it outloud to my husband. Thank you for inspiring us.

  • Angel R. says:

    Absolutely beautiful! A pertinent reminder for us all.

  • garysgirl says:

    LOVE!!

  • Mackenzie says:

    My husband and I have been TTC for almost a year now and throughout we have been reading “how to’s”, “what should’s” and “don’t do’s” but this is truly the best article I feel that we have come along. My husband is without a doubt the most important person in my life and he and I have both had our fears of losing the lust and undying romance we have when we do finally welcome a sweet bundle of joy. We have made it our personal goal when we do conceive and there after to make sure that our passion and laughs do not fade because we are now a bit more chaotic and maybe a little tired. Thank you so very much for this blog, it brought tears to my eyes!

  • Alissa says:

    I just wanted to take the time to thank you for these words. They definitely made me think and also shed a few tears!

  • Jo says:

    I read this and got teary eyed. The poignancy of this bit of truth sliced into my heart and opened my eyes to what is to come. My husband and I want a child together- he has two older girls from a previous marriage… But I have never been a parent. This is beautiful, romantic and I feel the truth as not many people tell it… And it’s sad and speaks of commitment beyond selfish ambition and shows the challenge- and reward- when sticking together through it all. Thank you for sharing… Wow… Now I know- and maybe? Maybe we can wait a little bit before children…

  • Meli says:

    I´m not a mommy yet, but we have plans…
    I´m always wondering about how is going to transformed the couldnt-be-better relationship that i have with my hubby when we became parents
    This words was all i was looking for. It made me cry and, like i already said, im not even a mom!! haha
    Thanks for taking time to write this great blog, im a fan now!
    Greetings from Argentina,
    Meli

  • Tabitha says:

    Simply beautiful and so very true, thank you!

  • Fellma Panjaitan says:

    This is so beautiful. So relatable!! A very good reminder for all of wives and husbands❤️

  • That was simply beautiful. My husband and I were parents for a brief two months. When we lost our baby, the pain was unbearable. But when we held each other in tears, I realized that my husband means so much more to me than any pregnancy. Thank you for this beautiful piece.

  • Natasha says:

    when It feels like your soul has been ripped out of your body, everything inside around or before you seems dead. this is what I have been experiencing for many years in my marriage cause of my husbands addiction. God has been gracious and kept me strong not to walk away.
    is love enough ….

  • Wendy says:

    This is.one.of the best marriage articles I have ever read. Day to day things keep us preoccupied, and we forget to bring it back to basics. I could not have scrolled across this site at a better time and I’m so happy I did. Thank you and I intend on really more from you.

  • leilanue rossouw says:

    Your post was a confirmation on what God pressed on my heart for a while. My responsibility towards my kids is greate for i am responsible to them. But if it is nor for my husband i will not be able to take them through life as God indend it to be. Thank you

  • Tammy Greene says:

    Really love this. So easy to forget that what created the beautiful being in your arms is the love you have for each other.

  • Katie says:

    I’m not really sure how I stumbled onto your site but these words are exactly what I needed to see and hear right now. I am about 35 weeks pregnant and terrified of having this little baby. Not that I am not soooo excited about meeting him and seeing his beautiful little face, I really am excited. I am just so nervous about the change that it will bring to my life, especially my marriage. Thank you for the reminder! I am going to print this and keep it in a safe place to read over the next few months.
    Thank you!!

  • Chrissy says:

    I read this a year ago and came across it again today, it touched me all over again! Maybe I need to just put it on my calendar to re-read every year so I really can remember my ‘before I was mommy’. 😉 Thank you for this.

  • Whitney says:

    i just wanna say thank you for this post. As a mom of three children I sometimes forget to take a few moments to remember the “us” before we became mom and dad. This made me tear up a little. Just a reminder that I needed. So thank you❤️

  • Rachel says:

    Great article!
    Dustin, I appreciated reading your comments, however, it is VERY different to have just one child vs multiple. Once you’ve been a parent for 5 years or so, you will appreciate the authors words more. It’s like someone who has been married two years asking how marriage can be hard. Ask the person who has been doing it and when they give you words of wisdom, don’t question it, but just thankfully accept it and hold it in your heart. I’ve been a parent almost 14 years, and I can almost laugh now at how easy I had it when I just had one. By the time he was 5 and a half, we had three and life was much more chaotic. I seek wisdom from parents who have been doing it longer than I have and their reassurance is humbling.

  • Emily says:

    My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years now. We have been badgered and asked countless times when we are having children. We talk about our plans for children all the time, and I’d like to think that we will be fully prepared when the time comes in a few years.
    I stumbled across this article on Pinterest. Truly brought tears to my eyes. This is SO important and so critical. I haven’t been put in this spot, but I already know how true it will ring.
    Thank you, greatly, for the beautiful reminder of marriage. Thank you for reminding me what a loving husband I have. Thank you for reminding me to treasure this time when it is just the two of us.

    Absolutely wonderful <3

  • Alisha DeHart says:

    Wow!!! This is so real to me. It seems like now that the baby is one and my oldest is about to turn 10 that I can’t hardly remember what it was like to be able to lose ourselves in each other’s eyes or in one other’s smile. Those days just seem so far away, like it was another lifetime ago. These words have definitely been inspirational for me and I hope they are for my other half. I think we needed to hear this, or in this case read it. Thanks for posting!

  • Erin says:

    I needed this today. I am 9 months pregnant with our 3rd child. Our daughter will be 3 next week, and our son just turned 1 last month. I needed this today. Thank you. <3

  • Donna says:

    Not gonna lie, this made me a tad bit scared to have kids. Maybe we will put them off a few years more…

  • Mickey says:

    Thank YOu for that reminder.. i really needed it.. i have been married 13 year and we have four children and i know exactly what you mean. its so easy to get caught up in everything else and forget to pay attention to each other. i know many couple who after their kids leave home they have no idea what to do with each other..its so important that we stay connected with our spouse..
    i will deffinitely try harder to show appreciation and love for my husband…

  • Justin says:

    This is so true. My wife and I have forgotten this for way too long. We have forgotten each other so much we are now in the midst of Divorce. This is not where I pictured my marriage, and I know my wife didn’t either. So make each other a priority even with kids. Even if it is late at night or even if you are tired.

  • Sue Adams says:

    So very true. All children should be taught whole in school. Do you have any quotes for after kids are gone?

  • Naomi Kisner says:

    This is absolutely wonderful. I am a mother of four daughters very close in age and the last two are twins. My husband was so good that he let me sleep Friday and Saturday nights and he got up with the babies. I loved him dearly for that. He also took them out every Saturday so I could have some “alone” time. What a great daddy and husband. He passed away 2 years ago after 44 years of marriage. We had the marriage described in your blog. He passed away with all four of his little girls sitting around his bed singing for him. Your blog brought back such happy memories for me and I am sitting here now with tears running down my face. Love, love love your blog. All new parents should read it and take it all to heart. You have described a happy family. Thank you

  • Katie says:

    I don’t have children yet, but understand where these words are coming from after seeing how the lives of my friends have changed after they’ve had their babies. My husband and I are young, and trying to decide whether or not to have children. After reading these words (words that I know are often very true and thankfully not sugar-coated), I have really been having my doubts. Why have children if it affects one’s relationship so much?

  • Kasia says:

    Wow, this is beautiful and so real.
    Im from South Africa by the way.
    And I felt the same about the pregnancy class.
    They teach you alot…but dont prepare you for
    what comes after the baby.

    I really needed this what you said. It spoke to my heart.
    And believe it’s God talking to me.

    You can get lost so easily in life, parenthood, work etc.
    I know im there, and were both working hard to find that spark
    again.

    Keep on writing!

  • Nate says:

    Agreed with an addendum: there’s no excuse for a lack of intimacy; men, putting yourself entirely into your jobs at the expense of your wife isn’t one; women, putting yourselves entirely into the kids at the expense of your husband isn’t one. The husband/wife intimacy should be at the same level as the kids/job, if not higher. Where else are kids going to learn what a relationship based in Christ looks like? And when the days get long and hard, and time for intimacy seems impossible; it’s time to turn to the One who created the heavens and earth, and raised men from the dead. With Him, anything is possible!

  • Inette Fourie says:

    Really needed to read this! Thank you for taking the time to write it!

  • Leanne says:

    Such true words. My marriage just ended because of not preparing properly for the onslaught of having a family. Sad but true. Brought tears to me eyes.

  • mbrj says:

    Now that I’m 63 and a grandmother of 12, almost 13 (with G-D’s help!), I can tell you that my story was more harrowing. My husband had just begun his medical internship in June (we married a few months before he started medical school) which was enough to break up a marriage (and many do!). Our first daughter was due three months later in September, but came a month early in August. Two months after her birth, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with a fatal disease which would take her life 18 months later and her intern son was all encompassed with trying to save her life, although he knew that he couldn’t. So our marriage didn’t just survive a new baby, which is both a blessing and a huge strain/stress on a marriage…but also a residency and then a dying mother. Three huge stresses within four months. My husband completed two residences in six years and three daughters were born during those six years. We are happily married now for 41 years and enjoying the quiet of our home and being with each other…except when our kids/grandkids come over or we take some of our grandkids to do things…like Disney World or other things….as we weather my cancer. The best way to cement a marriage is to get through the difficult times and remember how much you love one another. Communication and a sense of humor are the most important things. And to love the other more than you love yourself.

  • Sam says:

    As a new parent I found this post really touching. There is so much they dont tell you about pregnancy. Such a rollercoaster. But all so worthwhile when I look at my son.

  • Glenda Yanchuk says:

    This is so true. Children are God’s gifts and He will sustain your love and send you so many blessings as a family. Take time out to renew your feelings for each other.
    God knows that you love your children. Your beauty comes from within. Teach your children by example and they in turn will develop good values.

  • Haley says:

    I came across this on Facebook twice. I’ve read this post twice. And even though I have no children yet, this touches my heart and brings tears to my eyes. I want to thank you for posting this and I truly hope that more people who don’t have children yet (and those who do!) get to see this at least once in their life. This is absolutely something that all moms and mommies to be should see.

  • brooke says:

    My first marriage fell apart during my pregnancy with my daughter and then completely dissolved during my second pregnancy and we are no longer together and I am with my new husband now and pregnant with OUR first (my 3rd his 4th) so i pray I can remember to remind him I love him even in the days I’m going crazy with baby and kids :)

  • Leslie Wagner says:

    As a mother of five, who has just celebrated her 30th wedding anniversary and her youngest child is 20 years old, these words are just as relevant today as they were when I delivered my first baby in 1987! My husband and I are almost empty nesters, and every day I try to remind myself we started out with two, God has blessed us immeasurably, and we continue to be a couple devoted to God and to each other. We hope to begin the next phase of our life serving Him in far-reaching places. Time goes soooo fast!

  • Darlene says:

    Wow.. What a good read… I wish I would have seen this when I was having my babies…!✋💗💗

  • Julie says:

    Amen! Thank you so much for sharing this! Your words moved me to tears. My husband and I had no idea how having children would impact our relationship with each other. These words are so important and not spoken enough! I wish we would have read this before children. It may have saved us from a lot of troubles and heartaches.

  • […] browsing Pinterest today I came across an article titled “To Wives: Before you were “Mommy””  by Becky Thompson. As I was reading through it I realized that in a short 6 months this party of two will be a party […]

  • Jennifer says:

    Thank you. You spoke what has been on my heart lately. After the birth of our second a year and a half ago and since then I feel lost. Like I’ve lost my identity. And now that I’ve gotten past the fogginess of the little baby stage I’ve awoken to see that my marriage, while we are committed isn’t what it used to be. We are missing that spark in our eyes, that in live stage. We have come to s great place of comfort and knowing each other well but i miss that new love part. So this article speaks to me as I feel this has happened to us. So my question is where do I start? How do we rekindle our love with two kids in tow? How do I find that fun, passionate, care-free girl I used to be?

  • Sharon says:

    Am now a grandmother and watching my 4 children going thru what we experienced as new parents. It is wonderful that you are all focused on being the best that you can be as parents, because your children need excactely that from you in those early early years. But Moms and Dads always remember that you were a couple before you were Mommy and Daddy and your children need to see that as well. A strong foundation as a family requires you to have couple time to preserve your very special relationship as well. So don’t be afraid to have baby sitters to assist you in that area as well.

    Preserve your relationship and your children will thrive as a result!

  • Amanda says:

    My husband left right when we found out I was pregnant with our first. Sometimes I think back and the only reason I can see for him leaving is because I would no longer be just his. That being a Dad would completely change our lives, and he didn’t want that.

    Thank you for this encouraging post!

  • ashley says:

    This is a great read. I loved it. Me and my husband have been together for 2 years now and we have a 4year old and a almost 6month old. Ever since I’ve had my daughter things just haven’t been the same. I do everything from cleaning to cooking to taking care of both children and playing with them. I DO EVERYTHING I feed everyone, I bathe the kids, I get up in the middle of the night with the baby (he never once has gotten up with the baby)I feel like I need bout 10 of me. I don’t get me time, I don’t get to get dressed up and go out, I hardly get time to wash my hair, I stay up late with the baby. So just like dads I have a full time job also my job as a mommy and wife is never ending. I’m stressed to the max cuz I get no extra hands in my house it’s only me I should just live alone right? Nope cuz I love my husband and I try to remember the good and it takes reading something like this for me to even think bout the good times. so ladies and mommies don’t for get bout your loved ones,your other half,your best friend cuz that’s what I’m going through but I’m not letting it get our love away.

  • Jan says:

    This is incredibly beautiful and well written. Thank you!

  • Jessica Camden says:

    I absolutely love this. As I read it, it made me cry. As mother’s we often do forget that we were first a wife. We forget that it’s even more important to build your relationship when you do have kids.

  • Kari Bell says:

    I’ve read this before, but I needed to read it again today. There is so much truth in your words. Just a few weeks ago I made the comment that my husband gets the scraps of what’s left of me at the end of the day. It is so important for women to remember they still have to focus on their marriage and give their husband’s the love and affection they need… even when there are tiny humans who are needing our attention too! Thank you so much for sharing this.

  • Roberta says:

    This couldn’t be more true!!! As mothers we get lost in everything that the title of ‘Mommy’ represents. It’s not intentional that by the end of the day we have nothing left. I know myself, if it weren’t for my husband, I wouldn’t be blessed with the privilege of being a ‘Mommy’.

  • Liz says:

    Love, love, love this post! My husband is about to return home from a year long deployment and this is my focus… to remember why we fell in love with each other. To rekindle that flame. So glad to stumble upon this link at The Crafty Christian today! Blessings!

  • Tricia Prues says:

    Thanks for sharing this. Too often we forget in the chaos that we deeply need to fill each others’ cups. We prepare so carefully for baby, yet don’t always consider how baby will effect our marriage.

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