Why Did I Want to Be a Mommy?

Last week, I sat down at my computer and wrote a few thoughts about my life after having children. I shared my heart based on our own experiences as a family. I didn’t know the number of people those words would reach or the impact that they would have on the hearts of women and men across the country world.

I received hundreds of personal emails over the last week. Most, wrote that somehow my short article illuminated some of the most tender places in the lives of a young family. Others wondered why anyone would want to have children after reading about the struggles that come with beginning a family.

I have considered these messages and comments over the last few days. I have wondered how to find the words to respond to each. But most specifically, how do I put into words why anyone would want to have children? How do I explain that the struggles that come with parenthood don’t even come close to the joy that comes with being a mom or dad? How do I possibly explain that the beauty of parenthood is buried under mountains of life, but that each uncovered gem is worth the climb?

Why did I want to become a momma?

Last night, I sat up with my son. He was sick with a fever and a cough. We had already been to the emergency room for a breathing treatment, and I hadn’t gotten much rest the night before either. To be perfectly honest, I was exhausted. He struggled to get comfortable while I did my best to help him. When I finally felt him settle and his tense frame give under the weight of welcomed sleep, relief washed over me. It didn’t matter that my head was up against the hard headboard of his bed or that I couldn’t reach a pillow to support it without disturbing him. I wasn’t going to move.

A million ways I will try to make that child know that he is loved. A million times I will put his needs over my own. Holding him and letting him sleep on this night will not be the most uncomfortable thing that I do for him.

But as I lay there completely uncomfortable and completely exhausted, I looked down at my son.

Why did I want to be your momma?

Well, sweet love, it wasn’t for the hours of sleep I would lose, or the weight I would gain. It wasn’t so I could spend more time thinking and worrying and praying for you than I have ever spent considering myself. It wasn’t so that I could go to bed tired and wake up tired and live completely exhausted for the next 5 – 10 – 18 years. It wasn’t so I could lose the time that I would otherwise spend with friends, or my husband or myself… But all of that came with it.

It was because when I became a mommy, I got you.

The moment I knew that you were inside of me, I loved you. The moment they put you in my arms, I was yours. The moment you called my name, I would that I would never hear sweeter words. Every milestone you achieved, every step you took, every word, every recognized letter, every accomplishment… I was proud… Because you are the best part of me.

And even on the days that I question my sanity, the days that I pray bedtime comes a few minutes early, I adore you. I love you, and the five minutes extra that I get to spend alone are never worth the guilt I feel for wanting to be by myself for a minute.

The day you were born, you became mine… but I became yours too.

You have shown me how much I am capable of loving. You have opened my heart to the purest form of joy. Because of you, I am able to understand more deeply my Heavenly Father’s love for me.

And in this life, for me, there has been no greater blessing.

So, to my children, may you never question my love. May you never doubt my heart. May you always know that I cherish every moment that we get to spend together, and that you are worth every sacrifice… because you, my little loves, are exactly why I wanted to be a mommy.

Comments

  • Adrienne L says:

    Last weeks article and this has been very touching and very true! I enjoy your page and the upcoming posts from you. Thank you for touching so many.

  • Amy Swink says:

    Truer words and heartfelt emotion can’t be found! It is challenging to be a parent, but as you said, the love far outweighs the struggles! Thank you for posting from your heart!

  • Sharee I. says:

    All I can say is thank you for this note of love to your babies.

  • Heather says:

    Thank you for your words, I feel like you are speaking directly from my heart with a lot of your blogs!! There are times when I feel down or am arguing with my husband or just life and I look at my sweet boys and I think “Out of all the things I did wrong, at least I got you right!!” And I also feel the guilt that comes along with wanting some time alone and find myself thinking one day will come and they are grown, I will have alone time….so cherish it while they are young; as most things in life, it only last for a brief time!

  • tiffany says:

    Thank you for putting into words what so many momma’s feel! I am a new mommy and even through the exhaustion that comes with it there is indescribable joy in every moment (especially through those gum filled smiles!). I am new to your blog but appreciate so much your heart to share with women!

  • Heather says:

    I definatly didn’t become a mommy for the sretch marks or bags under my eyes. I think to myself though, The toddler years won’t last forever. One day I will have potty trained my last baby, I will have bathed my last child and I will no longer have to lug around that big ol’ diaper bag. I will have 4 new best friends. I love these days…most of the time, but I’m also looking forward to the years to come. I can’t wait to see the women they will become. Children are a blessing and a lesson from God. They teach you how to love, be patient, not be prideful or vain, how to put others before yourself and they give you a glimps of Gods love for his children. Being a Mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But its also the most rewarding.

  • Shae says:

    Perfect. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

  • Steve Taylor says:

    Becky — We are long time friends of your folks, and you and Beth attended church with us when you were very little. Just wanted to say that we have appreciated and enjoyed your blog writings. This particular one reminded me that having kids is one of the tools God uses to take us out of ourselves, to force us into the others-centeredness that we seem to naturally resist. At a point in our lives when we might otherwise be taken up entirely by ourselves, God may send us the very thing we need to learn to give completely and unconditionally. Thanks to God!
    Steve and Brenda Taylor

  • Cathy says:

    I just found your blog the other day and am so grateful to have stumbled on such a wise “young” woman who is ministering to me! I am an older mother not by choice, but now a single momma as I left my ex who had an affair and wouldn’t stop.

    Your wisdom has made me stop and think about how grateful I am to have a son who even tho has challenges with Asperger’s and ADHD, I wouldn’t trade him for anything!

  • Bonnie says:

    Beautiful!! I teared up reading this. I’m a new mom….our sweet boy is 6 months old….and both last week’s post and this one were SO perfect. Thank you!

  • Sara says:

    I am very new to your blog. I teared up reading this post. But, your words are exactly the way I feel. I am a new mom (my son is 5mo old) and it’s hard and wonderful and frustrating and tiring and hysterical and the absolute BEST decision my husband and I ever made. Thank you so much for your honesty.

  • JessV says:

    Absolutely beautiful and so so true.
    So glad I came across your blog last week! Love the way you write, and it tugs at my heart strings coz I know exactly what you’re saying.
    xx

  • Jana McLamb says:

    Love your posts

  • Kia says:

    I just wanted to let you know that the first blog I ever read of yours was “Before I was Mommy” and to tell you the truth it was a little scary to me. I am 22 and have a boyfriend with a child from a previous marriage. We have talked about marriage and kids because he is finally willing and able to enter into those things again. Ive always wanted to be a mother and I love my little step son. But “Before I was Mommy” really woke me up to what motherhood is like and what my life would be like. I then realized that I didn’t want to lose what him and I have by having a child and not wanting what happened his first time around to happen to us. But this blog has shown me that its worth it and we wont lose each other if we continue to do things that we love to do together, keep our eyes to God, and focus on our family. I am now a devoted reader!

  • Alicia says:

    You didn’t answer your question; the only thing this article says is that you love your kids. It does not answer why you wanted to be a mother.
    Why did you want to become a mother even before the pregnancy test? Was it religion? Was it just the ‘expected’ thing by a woman? Was it just on a whim?
    As somebody who is completely fascinated by people who have lived and currently live very different lives than me I feel the need to ask you this: Why did you want to become a mother?
    I have no desire for children and should I have any it would not be at 23 (like yourself) and nor do I feel marriage is necessary for a successful partnership. At 20 years old my future revolves around University, a career in a questionable field and travel.

    How would you explain why you would want children to a person whose lifestyle and personal ambition is contradictory to what children bring?

  • Marcy says:

    Well Alicia, I do not think think her purpose in the writing is to convince anyone to be a mother. I don’t mean to speak for her, but for me it was a desire I had that makes me feel fulfilled and complete, just something that is in me. I waited until I was older, after college and a career, that’s my perogative. Everyone is different. I was not as mature at a young age. You do not have that desire, so continue doing what makes you feel fulfilled. Going to school is sacrifice and work and not all fun and games, but that is what you want and choose, and I hope brings you fulfillment. I hardly think this blog is putting down anyone who doesn’t choose motherhood, she is writing truthfully and beautifully about her experience. If it isn’t your up of tea and doesn’t line up with your personal beliefs, then don’t read it.

  • I love your blog so much. Everything you write is beautifully and brutally honest and speaks to my soul.

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