Christian Women and Christian Grey

Here is my disclaimer, friends. This article is not PG rated. It might make you blush. It will probably stir some feelings of either strong agreement, or perhaps strong defense, but no matter how you feel by the end of this, I need you to know one thing going in… If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t say it. If I wasn’t honestly deeply concerned, I wouldn’t take my very valuable time to talk about it. And if I didn’t love the people that I know will read these words, then there would be no point in discussing it. But because I care, and I’m concerned, and I love you, I cannot leave these words unsaid. So, here we go…

I was scrolling through Facebook a few years ago, when I began to hear talk of a new book, 50 Shades of Grey. Friends of mine from high school, college and even church were all raving about finishing the first and eagerly anticipating the next in the series. I was intrigued, (and out of the loop.) So, I Googled it.

From Amazon if you have no previous knowledge of it, “When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms.

Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires.”

I didn’t have any desire to read it, so I moved along and didn’t think much more about it. But soon, the books began to create a buzz. People became divided about whether or not to read them, and articles and posts were written from those on all sides of the argument. And honestly? I felt like everything had been said that needed to be said about it. Minds were made up. Hearts were sure. People were going to do what people were going to do when it came to reading or not reading. And so, I stayed (mostly) quiet.

But with the resurrection of the books now in movie form, I feel absolutely obligated to say this to the Christian women who read these words and plan to see the movie.

Please, sweet friend. Don’t. Just… don’t.

I hear from young wives and mothers all of the time who are struggling in their marriages. Who desperately need help finding hope in the day to day tasks that are asked of them. Who feel as though their marriages are falling apart because they don’t know how to balance being a wife and a mother and everything else, and who need help remembering what it feels like to be deeply in love with their husbands again.

And yet, I hear so many Christian women argue that going to see this movie is simply entertainment and may even help their marriage.

But friend? I must say this. It is a complete lie that going to see the movie will help your marriage. And an even bigger lie is that it won’t affect you it all. Because it will. The things that you see cannot be unseen. The feelings that you experience from being entertained by those scenes cannot be unfelt. And if marriages aren’t under enough pressure already, going to watch pornography is only throwing gasoline on relationships experiencing fire from all directions.

It’s destruction. And you are walking to the door, and inviting it into your life.

You want to spice up your marriage? You want to save your relationship from being stagnant, or save the passion from slipping away in the day in and day out expectations of you and your husband? Don’t ask Christian Grey for help. Don’t watch Christian Grey do whatever he would like to Anastasia Steele and expect it to heal that deep hurt and need for intimacy in your own heart.

Only Jesus can do that. Only Jesus can speak to the places in our hearts that need to feel alive and loved again.

I have thought a lot about whether or not Jesus would speak about this if He lived today. And I decided this. No. He probably wouldn’t. He wouldn’t waste one breath on seeing this particular movie.

But do you know what He would have done? He would have addressed the bigger heart issue that our society is facing which is the lack of respect and honor for our spouse in a culture that is saturated with pride and selfishness.

Jesus would have spoken to the greater hurt so many wives experience as they feel unseen and unloved in their own marriages. And He would have addressed the men who feel as though they aren’t respected in their own homes. He would have said this,

“Wives honor your husbands. Husbands, love your wives.”

He would have reminded us that our marriages are designed as a reflection of Christ’s love for the Church (us.)

SO that’s what I want to do. I want to remind us of the bigger issue here, but I want to do so by saying this. If we are going to honor Christ with our marriages, then we need to leave Christian Grey out of our minds.

We need to honor our husbands by keeping our sexual desires and (arousal) for them only. Because, friend, the place where families are torn apart is not at the dinner table or in the living room. The place where families fall apart is in the bedroom. The words that we say to each other outside of the walls of our bedrooms are simply a reflection of the level of intimacy AND RESPECT that takes place when we are alone and vulnerable with our spouse.

And personally, if my marriage is sacred and holy and the foundation on which my family and children stand? Then the last thing I’m going to do is invite the imagery of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey to play in my mind while I’m alone with my husband. My heart and my mind should be his alone when it comes to sexual intimacy.

Wanna know what’s really sexy? I’m going to begin to spice up my marriage by talking highly of my husband to my children and to others. I’m going to show him that I love him by respecting him as a man. And then? On top of all of that? I’m going to love him intimately. Yes. Intimately. Because sex was designed by God as a gift for me and my husband. It’s not taboo. It’s a gift that has been stolen, twisted, and turned into something that is the opposite of safe and beautiful. Which is exactly what this movie has done. It has taken the vulnerable and beautiful thing that is married sex and entertained the world with a man who uses sex to control, manipulate and introduce pain.

And yet we say, “No big deal.”

So, here’s my challenge. (My apparently long-winded challenge.) Let’s take back sex. No. Seriously. Instead of watching Christian Grey have sex with Anastasia Steele? Try this. Have sex with your own husband. Spend the evening in your own bedroom remembering what being in love felt like when you first got married. Yup. Sex is good and important.

And friend? Your husband and your marriage are worth honoring… and you know what? I think deep down… you agree with me.

As always,

 

Agree? Share this post to pass it on, and then come find me on Facebook! I try and stay in touch with my readers on a personal level through social media!

Hey all! I just a quick update. I am sad to say that I have had to disable the comments on this post. While my heart was shared in love and without judgement, many have misunderstood and are choosing to be very hurtful with their words. I understand that everyone has a right to their own opinion, and I would encourage you to voice yours! I just simply cannot moderate the thousands of comments pouring in. So, I would encourage you to begin your own discussions with those who know you and your heart. Discuss with those around you who won’t feel as though your words are coming across as judgmental, but presented in sincere love. Thanks for understanding!

Comments

  • Corrine Carr says:

    Beautifuly put.just spoke at my church about moral issues. The world is “black”, they don’t deny it. The church is “white” because of the blood
    Of Christ. “Grey” is the compromise and unsurrendered areas of a Christian. God bless, Jesus took flack too, but He was, is and always will be 100’/, right!

  • Janelle Boddy says:

    Well said and written Becky, you have confirmed all I believe and we must pray for all the woman who feel differently as it’s very heartbreaking when they try to justify why there’s nothing wrong with it. Human nature to justify much and take responsibility for little! Xxx

  • Sarah says:

    I’m sorry to hear that people misunderstood or were posting nasty comments to your lovely blog. I read what you wrote, and they are beautiful words. I also ready those books a couple of years ago. I understand the place where you are coming from. But, I absolutely loved the books. They books are not simply pornography. I can see why people who have not read them think so. There is actually a story line to the books, and yes, there is sex, a lot of sex. But there is a psychology to these books. Men are mysterious creatures sometimes, and these books draw on that and make you want to figure out the why’s and how’s for all the questions you ask when you read the books. Not why’s and how’s for the sex, but for the characters in the book. Why does he do this? How did this start? What led to this path Christian Grey chose to take? I’m not telling you to read this, or even asking you to read this. I’m just giving you my perception of the books. I believe you have good intentions with this blog post. I think that any one who felt judged when reading it, those are the gals who do go to church and probably think you are being judgmental. You’re not. I haven’t decided if I will see the movie or not. But I will heed your words of advice while pondering it. Your post was very eloquently worded and was from the heart. Please continue writing that way. Thank you!

  • Jewel Adams says:

    Thank you so much for your post. It was thoughtful and very true, and I appreciate your efforts in warning of the dangers of seeing this movie and reading the books.

  • Jewel Adams says:

    Thanks so much for your thought-provoking email. I appreciate your efforts in warning others of the dangers of seeing this movie or reading the books.

  • Mark Gieschen says:

    Thank you for this article. I found it on my sister’s facebook page. You are bold and brave in writing what you did. I wonder what your readers would say if you had quoted Ephesians 5: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord…Husbands, love your wives just as Christ love the church and gave himself up for her.” I have a wonderful relationship with my wife, having been married to her for 34 years. I am glad that she puts up with me. I am able to love her because of Christ’s love for me, and for all of us.

  • Yvonne Moss says:

    Very well said. So good to see other women talking about that which too many think is taboo to talk about. As a pastor’s wife who just hit the big 6 0 (darn, hard to even type) and one who talks to women who have been violated in the past, it’s no wonder that previously abused, 3 out 5 women and 1 out of 6 men bring bad stuff into marriages. It’s way beyond the sex. It’s about bad body memory, lack of trust, and so many other things that don’t resolve themselves without investment. Thank God for his mercy towards me. He gave me a great church where people were more than superficial friends, an amazing husband who had all the right motives towards me and most importantly, the Holy spirit, who wanted me whole more than even I wanted it back then. Books and movies that glorify the wrong in relationships like this just set the bar so low for women who are really looking to find hope and not just ‘misery loves company’ as a mind-set. ,

  • Priscilla says:

    I thought your words were very sincere and from God.

  • Thank you fortaking the time to write. I also compiled my thoughts on the matter, a little different angle, but same heart. I am sorry for the negative feedback you have received, it is a sad reminder of the realities we are facing as a culture. They hated Jesus when He said those things… But, my sister in Christ, be encouraged in continuing to stand in truth. You are not alone! I send my love and thanks to you.

    In His Grip,
    Brianne Bryant
    Pastors Wife, Calvary Chapel Burns

  • Anna S says:

    Pornography has destroyed more then many, many relationships and marriages! In my own heart I believe that is one of the reasons our country has fallen so far into the destructive state it is in now!

  • Steve O'Brien says:

    Outstanding understanding of the union between husband and wife. That union professes in scripture to be the model of the Father’s relationship with the Son and the Son’s relationship with His church.

  • Mary says:

    Thank you for speaking truth!

  • Melissa lockett says:

    Thank you sweet lady for being vulnerable, sharing your heart and speaking truth. People who say hurtful things are only feeling the conviction of the Lord. They don’t like the mirror being ever so gently shown to them so they have to lash out instead. Hiding behind their computers is cowardess because it’s easy to say mean things when you don’t know the persons heart your throwing daggers at. I say bravo to you and your article. Don’t quit speaking truth. God’s reward is bigger than man’s opinion. You are touching lives and the fact that you are touching allot of nerves on this matter just proves your ticking the devil off. Lol! Shake it off. Dontet those cowards comments get to you and keep on writing. You have allot to say. :-) from one Godly woman to the next. I am proud of you for standing up against a horrible epidemic in this world. There are allot more for you sister than whose against you. :-) Melissa Lockett

  • Shaleen says:

    christian women need to read their Bible and consult with the Lord before accusing others of being judgmental on a subject they know nothing about. The truth should never be considered judgmental.

  • Ange says:

    Thank you soooo much for this you are totally 100% right. So thank you for standing up for what you believe in ( or don’t believe in). Keep up the good work!

  • J says:

    Your awesome!!! I get it!!

  • Karen Woodard says:

    I agree with you completely! Thank you for sharing!

  • Brilliantly said. The mind is powerful and what we allow to take up space in it affects so much. Husbands are gifts and I have a good thing.

  • Kirstin Nephew says:

    Becky,
    Thank you for being willing to share your heart and the love God’s given you for people. It takes a lot of courage to share God’s truth in the times we are living in. I just wanted to encourage you and let you know that your speaking out has positively impacted me!
    I have been struggling with reading romance novels. I’ve struggled to understand why I’m so addicted to them and why they aren’t good for me. I’m a believer in God and should know better, but you know how deceptive the Evil One is. I’ve heard all the excitement about Fifty Shades and I have to admit I’ve grown curious. When I first heard about it I said I would never read ten books. I draw the line at BDSM. But with all the hype about the movie and the fact that I’ve continued to expose myself to the world of novels, I’ve really been wrestling with my decision about Fifty Shades.
    I saw your post on Facebook shared by one of my friends and had to read it cause I needed to hear a voice of reason! Well thank God for your courage to share because what you said definitely spoke to my heart and made clear what my decision needs to be. It also helped me understand my struggle with novels in general and I hope that with God’s help I can surrender that addiction. I’m not even married yet but I plan to be some day and this is not something I want to bring to my marriage.
    Again thank you for letting God use you!
    Kirstin

  • Esmarié le Roux says:

    I am touched about what you said about this movie. I have never read the book 50 shades of grey and so many people have told me it’s a MUST to spice up my intimate /bedroom life in my marriage. But it was as if I always felt unsure and uneasy about it, therefore I never read it.
    Now I know that the movie is really a disgrace, an insult to a marriage which is so sacred in God’s grace, and sex being included to make our souls one and to enjoy one another, to cherish and respect each other.
    I am happy that I know what the movie is about, that I can tell fellow-Cristians, even non-believers….one never knows? And I can tell my 17 and 20year old children about it,warning them to see through things of the “world” / -led by satan without people most of the time even realising it – and that they should go through life knowing that the “world” wants to swallow them,brainwash them,take them away from the only Truth, Jesus Christ.

  • Janie Nelson says:

    The only LASTING effect of pornography is complete destruction of the foundations–of marriages, of families, of homes, and ultimately, of society. Satan’s goal is to rob, to kill, and to destroy, not exclusively in secular homes, but ESPECIALLY in Christian homes–he uses pornography in pervasive ways to achieve his goal. If we become complacent in this important area, satan has already won the battle for the hearts and minds of the family of God. If anyone questions whether this battle is being waged today, your marriage and your family is in imminent danger.

  • Sharon says:

    Thank you for lifting up God’s Word on this subject. It may be surprising but I’m just finding out what the book and movie are about. As a pastor’s wife I’m sad to hear that some Christian women are going to see this movie. The Lord tells us to guard our hearts. We talk about and think about what is in our hearts. Then we may act on it. We need to keep our guard up and protect our minds, hearts and marriages!

  • Christa Post says:

    Thank you SO much for writing about this. You express my feelings exactly. This has been such a burden on my heart since it first came out and every time I see something like what you’ve written it encourages me. I can’t believe how mainstream this has become – Walmart, Target, Costco, Oprah, Dr. Phil, it has kind of blown my mind, but I guess it’s where we’ve been headed for a long time. Anway, keep up the good work! Thank you for lending a voice for truth – for truth based in the amazing Word of God!!

  • Anastasia says:

    Thanks for reminding us brides of Christ that we should really be censoring what we take into our minds a lot more. The scary thing about porn (soft or otherwise), is that we can easily become addicted, since our brain releases endorphins while we watch. It gets worse when we are in the act with our spouses and those images creep into our minds. It creates an addiction, but it also disconnects us … and that goes for both genders. So again, thank you for writing this.

    -Anastasia Ivy

    http://ivyoverjoyed.blogspot.com/

  • Jacky says:

    Everything you wrote on here is exactly what’s been on my mind!

  • I’m NOT going to see this movie!! I didn’t read the book…didn’t want to.I don’t even want to know what is in the book.They can burn the book for all I care.I can only live the way God wants me to live.God’s will be done!? :-)

  • Mary Anne Piaget says:

    Thanks for a post that’s so beautifully worded, expressing what a lot of us would like to say!

    Blessings in Christ,
    MA Piaget, Switzerland

  • Patricia Fraijo says:

    You are a very strong young women…you are in my prayers…I respect all that you shared. Keep strong in the Lord

  • Keisha Pitts says:

    Thank you! I am so glad that Christians are speaking out against this movie! My pastor, Bo Turner also spoke to our church about the dangers of this movie! We must protect our marriage, what God intended to be sacred! Again thank you and God bless!

  • Barbara Wyrick says:

    I started reading the book and then quit. I have no desire to go back to the library and see what I missed.

  • Jamie Kent says:

    I’ve never read your blog before and I’m not sure how I stumbled across it while getting lost on the internet this morning, but I just had to let you know how much I love and appreciate your post. It’s so sad how the important, God sanctioned things in our life have been twisted and perverted in the world we live in today. Marriages are taken for granted, marriage is no longer important or necessary, sex is thrown around for the taking, families are ripped apart, children are denied the right to a father and mother, and the list goes on and on. It’s so refreshing to hear someone standing up for what’s right and taking a stand for Christianity. Sometimes I feel like good Christians are dwindling in numbers, but it’s my hope that we are still the majority and we can help inspire positive change in this world. Anyone who took your post wrong must have demons they are facing and are being defensive. Stay strong in the fight and thank you for your courage!

  • Pat Hooks says:

    our Baptist minister has ask us to not see the movie. Looking at NBC ET show the states who had high ticket sales, and us in Miss. Showed 4 times in sales over any other state! Are we in the Bible Belt?!!

  • Janet says:

    Amen! And thank you for voicing your opinion with which I wholeheartedly agree. I do not need to say any more as you have covered it completely. Thank you and God bless you and your marriage! :)

  • Becky B says:

    Well said! May God bless you and your family. Thank you for these wise and Godly words!

  • Nancy Nelson says:

    Great truth and insight. Respect and honor top sex for sex’s sake.

  • Lucinda says:

    You spoke clearly and I absolutely love, respect and agree with your perspective.

  • Patricia Castle says:

    I have been married 57 years and my heart was stirred by this
    article. How true and this is what is needed for us as well as
    young marrieds. So many today get married with the idea if it does not work we can always get a divorce. Thus we see so many
    young parents alone, trying to work and care foe their children and all suffer. If there was respect and love to begin with and
    the Third person was in control, marriages would be so much better off. Thank you for your honesty with this article.

  • Hal Christensen says:

    Very good article. I may lose my man card for saying this but I think there is too much focus (for men) put on sports and hunting. I like both of these, but somewhere in a broken marriage, intimacy is replaced b thought of shame or not a righteous act! Then men start to look at other avenues of entertainment apart from their wives. No no no, just like you said, sex was designed by God to be a sacred and special thing between a husband and wife. The very instant that a woman or man decides that it is not right to have sex other than for procreation, they have blasphemed God and His creation of this beautiful act. My wife and I have been happily married for 35 years and yes we still have sex. I think I can attribute a healthy sexual experience with my wife as a big part of that successful marriage. Extreme honesty and trust is a must.

  • ram says:

    i agree with most all of this, but dare I ask…why wait until this movie to voice this? romantic novels are offered at safeway next to the magazines (which are basic pornography) everyday, as well as shows and movies. I get the whole “this movie is sin, a hurt marriage wont benefit from anything ugly as I.E. this, being degraded isn’t love….i could go on and on” but I feel that your readers are looking at you as a bandwagon just as all the other dozens of articles that come up, rather than a legit sincere voice on these issues. btw….i have neither read the book or have seen the movie :)

  • Chris says:

    you are so right but unfortunately people just don’t respect marriage enough anymore and it’s very hurtful!

  • Seth says:

    Seriously Becky! I truly enjoyed reading this! It’s my first time on your page & I’m so glad I visited! We need more people speaking out & warning our brothers & sisters about the dangers of submitting to the nonsense put out by a world that underplays ‘the evils of evil’ & wickedness (although you used words more gracious!). So from one servant to another, thank you & may the Lord reward you for your good work. Grace & Peace to you! Seth

  • April Kyle says:

    Absolutely right on. Well spoken.

  • Ramona says:

    I agree completely with the article.

  • Jesse May says:

    Great post! AMEN! I’d heard a bit about Shades of Grey, and was kind of horrified when I looked it up, too. Definitely not something Christians should even consider. Thank you for speaking out words of truth and encouragement to women.

  • maia says:

    thanks for your thoughts. i do agree with you, too. i was in the same position with many friends urging me to read it. My time is important and when I learned about the plot, I knew other things are much more important than spending time reading these novels or watching the movie.

    You are indeed “a salt of the earth”…by trying to preserve marriage as God intends it to be. God bless you.

  • Natalie Durr says:

    Absolutely agree with you!

  • Tim Grounds says:

    Thank you Becky, for the words of wisdom and truth. Living a life of holiness is such a challenge in this day and age. Pornography is running rampant and is not just accepted; it is promoted! The movie is advertised and publicized on every corner. My 9 year old daughter watches doll videos online. At the top left of the screen was an advertisement for 50 Shades! It is encouraging to know that there are others out there like yourself who are taking a stand and saying the words that need to be said. God bless you my dear sister.
    Tim

  • Jane Thornton says:

    I agree with you. A friend sent this to me. I have no desire to read the books or see the movie. i did read the Pulling Back the Shades of Grey. I understand you having to turn off the comments. i think that those who are seeing it know deep in their hearts that something is not right about it and that is why they are so defensive. I wonder if those same women would find it ok for their spouse to be viewing pornography. I’m not even sure how to counter it in the culture. I agree that the church needs to take back sex. It is a gift from God and we have perverted it. Thank you for voicing your thoughts.

  • leslie ryan says:

    I completely agree with this. Its so nice to hear another woman talking about this movie in the since of GOD instead of their sexual desires like I hear all day at work. I’m sharing this and thank you…

  • joyce says:

    Thank you for pointing out the bigger picture

  • joyce says:

    Thank you for pointing out the bigger picture.

  • Shelly Moulyn says:

    I want to thank you for your post about the movie “50 shades of Grey”! I was able to share it with my 20 year old daughter who was about to go see the movie with some of her girlffriends. I am so happy to say that she chose not to go see it, in fact, they all went and saw a different movie instead. So, from this mama’s heart, thank you again!!!!!
    ~Shelly

  • Well said Becky ! I have said for 46 years,that if Anyone
    Should talk about sex,it should be Christians! For I firmly
    believe this is a gift from God who made all things for our
    good pleasure. After all if He did not make it a pleasant
    we would not want to “be fruitful & multiply.”.

  • Dwayne says:

    What happened to the comments on this page? I wrote out a big comment the other day and it wasn’t in line with the authors way of thinking and now they are all gone… hmmmm internet censorship at its finest!!!!

  • AMEN!

    I may not have agreed w/ this a couple of years ago when I was lost in a deceivingly calm sea of separating from the Catholic Church, attributing all of my successes to the universe, and deciding which man-made rules to follow. I was lost, but now I am found.

    I thank Jesus and the Father every day for saving me, saving my spirit, saving my soul, and for teaching me what love is. I love my boyfriend of 12yrs. and he loves me so much that he sent me this posting to read. We plan on marrying. We have been living together for two years this March and have come to the tough but appropriate decision to backtrack and do things the way God intended. We plan on living separately until we are finally married and can share the same bed w/ God’s blessing.

    Thank you for sharing this. Thank you especially for handling the negative comments w/ such decorum, grace, and love. May God bless you and your lucky husband.

    Ciao,

    Patricia Fructuoso

  • Saushan says:

    Every single word. Completely agree. Well written and thoughtful!

  • Lisa says:

    Great post! Continue to speak His truth!

  • Kelly says:

    Beautiful post. It saddens (and sickens) me to hear of so many woman even Christian woman raving about this book series and now movie. Another example of love and intimacy being twisted into something perverse. Thank you for having the courage to write about this and your opinion so boldly. You are inspiring!

  • Vanessa says:

    I cannot begin to express to you the way I feel to read an article that says everything I want to say. This article is honest, straight foward, and just perfect.

  • You said you wondered what Jesus would say if He was alive. He is.

  • Faith says:

    Very well said and very true! You hit the nail on the head and I couldn’t have said it any better myself. Thank you for sharing this! Keep up the good work. You’re articles are very inspiring and really hit home.

  • Rebekah Finch says:

    Thank you for sharing these thoughts I agree with what you said. It is something that does distort our feelings on love and what is safe and intimate. Why cause more problems to your relationship there is enough challenges on Christian marriages without adding to it. Thank you again

  • Lauren says:

    Thanks for the message! This has really made me think.

  • mary stafford says:

    I read this seriers of books. At firsty I thought nothing bad at all. When i was on the second book. I had a Drs appt. When the nurse noticed my book. She pointed out what was wrong.
    I had lived threw this abuse,and more. You would be surprized what you will do for love. This showed me how abusive my life had actually been. So in my case,,,these helped,,sad to say. Im now on my own, happy and safe. Thank you God

  • Agree says:

    Becky,
    I totally agree w/ what you said……our LORD said in the last days people would have itching ears not wanting to hear truth. Many want to only hear what is soft & pleasing……it takes much care, concern, & love of GOD for people to write as you did …..putting yourself out there……may GOD richly bless you & may there be fruit for your efforts!!!!! May there be healing, restoration, & yes, perhaps rekindling of love in many marriages as men & women become the partners GOD intended us to be to each other! GOD bless!

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