To My Husband Now That I’m Mommy

Maybe I should have said this a long time ago. Maybe this is the heart behind many of my other writings. Maybe I should have just found a few minutes to put into words what my heart has wanted to say for a while now.

So, to my sweet husband, a few things I want NEED you to know now that I’m Mommy.

to my husband now that I'm mommy

 

I need you to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of the times that it was easier to just pay attention to the kids. I’m sorry for all of the days and weeks that I didn’t invest into us. I’m sorry that I set our relationship to the side while I figured out how to care for sweet babies and then tiny toddlers… and now growing preschoolers.

I don’t know when I thought I would have enough time. I don’t know when I thought that everything would settle down, and I could invest into us again. But I can see now that it won’t.

There will always be children who need me – who need us. I am sorry for not understanding this sooner. I am sincerely sorry for all of times that I took for granted your love and your presence.

I want you to know that now that I’ve realized this, I will remember these words daily.

After all this time, I need to know that you remember me. Not this person who feels overwhelmed – like she is doing so much wrong and constantly letting someone down.

I need to know that you remember who I was before I was Mommy – because some days, I don’t.

I need to know that you look past the tired eyes and frazzled hair and see the girl you fell for so many years ago.

There are days when I look in the mirror and cannot see her anymore. I need you to remind me that when you look at me, you haven’t forgotten her. She is still in there somewhere. She just doesn’t always have time for makeup and well… showering… like she used to. Remind me that I’m beautiful – even if I don’t believe you right away.

I need you to know that I wish I was more fun. I used to be fun. I worry that you think I’m not very fun anymore. We used to laugh a lot. Didn’t we? Sure, there is laughter now, but I know that the stress that comes with being Mommy has made me a little less care-free. Some days, I wish that you would just arrange a sitter and take me away. I wish that you would help me remember what being care-free feels like… even for just a few hours.

I need you to call me by my name – or sweetheart or honey or any of the other precious words that show me you care. But please don’t call me Mommy. I need to know that at least to you – I’m still Becky.

And if I haven’t said it in a while, I love you. No, really. Not like I say it when we’re getting off of the phone, or when you’re rushing out the door to work. I really do love you.

I am proud to say that you are my husband. I am proud of the man that you are and the father that you have become. I don’t tell you enough how much I appreciate all that you do for us. Thank you for your hard work, your dedication and your patience. You are so important to me – and I’m going to do my very best to remind you just how much I love being your wife.

Most of all, I need you to know that I will do all that I can to keep these words fresh in my heart… because I realize that before I was Mommy, I was yours, and I never want to forget that again.

 

 

 

 

Do you ever struggle to maintain your marriage in the midst of motherhood? Do you feel like your husband gets put on the backburner while you care for everyone and everything else? This is the book for you.

Love Unending: Rediscovering Your Marriage in the Midst of Motherhood is a 21 journey to find your way back to when your relationship with your husband was your focus.

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love unending

 

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Comments

  • Tara says:

    This letter hit the nail right on my head tonight! Its crazy, but I was thinking and feeling the EXACT same way tonight after a discussion/argument with my hubby. Wishing he could understand. I may have to steal some or all of this…lol…or atleast just let him read it! Thanks for sharing!!

  • Jess says:

    Couldn’t agree more!! I am also struggling(still-my oldest is 3.5) to find that middle of being a stay at home mommy and being a wife….I have no idea where that girl is I used to be. I once read somewhere to put your marriage first then children….but seriously, how are you suppose to do that when you have your toddlers needing you for everything? It’s like you’re in FULL mommy mode 24/7…there is no shut off button. When I wake up in the morning, I’ll think “ok today I’ll be more affectionate towards my husband and make more time for him” but something always comes up…..always or we get too busy.

    Thanks for posting this! I’ll glad I’m not the only one trying to find balance!

  • Geneva says:

    AMAZING!!!!! This was perfect… I feel like no one is ever talking about this but it is a HUGE part of being married with kids. I am so thankful for your blog. It is an awesome inspiration!!!! Thank you!

  • Erin says:

    I am new to your blog but I wish I found it sooner! I am married but we do not have kids yet. You have been such an inspiration and you give me guidance that I can use now and in the (hopefully near) future. I can only imagine how you feel some days, but from a young wife, thank you for sticking it out and making your marriage a priority. In this world where people just give up on their marriage, it’s refreshing to see someone who makes God the center of their marriage and takes the time to address the good and the bad with their husband. Thank you for the encouragement!

  • steph says:

    Thanks for this and all your wise posts! I’m a new mama and still trying to find balance…

  • […] like this post. And I really like this […]

  • This is a lovely letter. I think/hope my wife feels the same.

  • Brad says:

    This popped up in a post by a friend on my Facebook page and I thought it was a very good article. It is good to see things from the wife/mother’s perspective and great reminder for the husband/dad to be extra sensitive and giving, especially in those early years of motherhood when the emotional effect of transition is most intense. Disclaimer: I am a single dad so not married and certainly not perfect, having made my share of mistakes. But I think I can add a couple thoughts from my perspective and experience. Husbands become fathers at the same time wives become mothers. We aren’t spectators, even though it may seem that way at first. No, we should be full on participants who understand that roles change with children. We should admit that “It isn’t about us, any more (was it ever really?)”. A woman’s heart grows when children enter the picture; nothing is displaced – more is just added. The love she expresses grows and expands in size and in ways she probably never thought possible. A husband needs to understand this and be there to gently remind her that she is more than enough and she remains all he has ever wanted. She’s the same woman we fell in love with in the beginning but she is also becoming much, much more. So much more, in fact, that her husband (by the grace of God) gets to share in the blessings. I think if a husband acknowledges this, he will blessed beyond his wildest expectations.

  • Christina says:

    Beautiful.

  • June says:

    Oh my… this made me cry. It was like you were in my brain. oh.. wow. Thank you for putting words to my emotions so beautifully!

  • Jenna says:

    Well said. Thank you. My husband and I had a rough day today and I couldn’t totally figure out why I was so upset with him until reading your post. Thanks for bringing me back to earth so I can stop being so crabby with him!

  • Andrea Boyle says:

    You always know just what to say! I read this aloud to my husband and we both cried.

  • Sarah says:

    I was thinking about many of these same things just the other day as my husband played a few songs from when we were just dating, while we were in the car. As I was reminiscing about how we met etc. I realized how easily all of those feelings and memories can be forgotten. I don’t ever want to forget again why or how we fell in love either or let anything over shadow our need to go on dates and spend one on one time with each other, not even our sweet boys.
    Thank you for sharing this!!!

  • Erin says:

    Becky, I just have to tell you that you are a bright spot in my day! I am so thankful that I have found your blog and I swear you are my best friend that I’ve never met :) Your words speak directly to my heart and you get what all of us christian mommies are going through. Thank you so much for your writing, your encouragement. God has given you such a beautiful gift and I am so grateful that you share it with us! As a young wife and a mother as well I am trying to take on this world and most days I feel as if I fall short in every department but you remind me that I’m not alone. We can do this! :)

  • Rachel says:

    My boyfriend and I are not married, and have no children, but this made me tear up. It is so sweet and so heartfelt. Thank you for posting this. These will be thing for me to remember when we have a family of our own.

  • Jessica says:

    I bawled reading this! It’s so so true. I feel a lot of times being a mom of an almost 3 year old that I don’t know which way is up and I feel that I’m failing as a wife and mom. It’s good to know there are others out there like me!

  • Trisha says:

    I love this! It’s like you read my mind and it is somewhat of a relief to know that others struggle to find the balance between wife / mommy. Thank you for sharing.

  • Holly says:

    Kids should never be an excuse not to make time for your husband. I have four kids 6 and under and life is busy, hard, tiring, exhausting, chaotic, crazy, hectic and everything in between but I ALWAYS make time for my husband. I loved him first. Our marriage comes first. I think it’s a huge teaching lesson for our kids on what they should expect out of their significant other. My husband is 150% involved in our kids lives as am I and they never go without. At the same time my husband and I set out a chunk of time for just us!! You can go out once a month, once a week, whenever just as long as you do it!! We go out once a week even if it’s just dinner and ice cream. We laugh, we giggle, we hold hands. Then through out the rest of the week we are mom and dad but those few hours we are us. Husband and wife! Then we talk about what fun we had during the week until the following date. When my kids leave the nest I will know my husband. He will still be the man I fell in love with and married!!

  • Brooke says:

    Whoa! Brought tears to my eyes. I’ve not read any words more pertinent to my life in a long time. Unfortunately, I’m now divorced. I couldn’t express what was written here. I couldn’t explain what I needed in a way my husband could respond to. And he, because men can be guilty of this too, put every ounce of his time and energy into our children and our home- but not me. I felt like I got lost. Very lost. All I wanted was to be Brooke. Now I’m Brooke, but with a broken family. There are a thousand things I’d do differently. Mainly trying to explain what this author so eloquently does and recognizing my own worth and beauty back then. I can’t force him to understand his role, and I can’t undo the past. But I’ve chosen to go forward with the understanding that I need to be Brooke in my relationships. Not only a mommy, although that’s by far one of my most precious gifts, but unapologetically being me…. a tee shirt wearing, ponytail, flip flops kind of woman who loves to laugh and wants to hear she’s beautiful from a man that sees all of her, not just a momma.

  • Natalee says:

    Yes. Exactly this. Especially now as I’m coming close to the end expecting baby number 2 and things have gotten very NOT about him.

  • ryann says:

    Beautiful. Very touching and inspiring. I think I’ll go write my own husband a letter. …

  • grace says:

    U just took the words right out of my mouth I’m glad I just read this I have been trying to figure out ways how to be better with my man and to give him the attention I used to give him.. I will be following ur blog now and use some of your words to fill in my empty ones. Thank you!

  • Gee says:

    I broke down when I read this.

  • Cato Younger says:

    I am glad this wife remembered this. Its a beautiful piece of writing and understanding. On a sidenote, some dads don’t help enough or understand enough, but…please understand that a lot of you moms are “gatekeeping” your husbands away without realizing it. You are upset he doesn’t do enough and then upset that he doesn’t do everything the “right” way (meaning exactly like you would). Here’s a hint – he’s never going to do it exactly as you would, he’s a man. That’s why its good for kids to have both parents if possible. And its also nice for the dad to know you still think he’s Jack and not Dad, and that he’s good for more than running to the store or “talking to the kids” when they misbehave or listening to your problems every day. He’s still your boyfriend… who’s just also now your husband and the father of your children together. And if he’s still hanging around through all this – he loves you and he loves your children together.

  • Chris says:

    As a Dad our role in the family is as demanding if not different. I like the post alot and perhaps if my wife, sorry, ex wife had said half the things in here I may well still be with her. That said we too are not to be forgotten. We are not just Dad. For me I was the grafter. Up before the kids home after they were in bed out providing for my family who I loved dearly. Yet I lost who I was as a person, as a husband and as a friend because we too can be taken for granted. You may wish to be reminded of your identity but don’t forget we need it too sometimes. I suppose, in the end you have to talk and have to make time for each other but this in itslef is not always enough. Life is tough but it’s better together so all the best.

  • I love your site and reading all your inspirational posts! This one brought me to tears, as I feel the same exact way :) I want my hubby to know that I love him dearly, especially as a daddy to our 2 little girls. There is nothing sweeter than to see your husband kiss your little girls 😉
    Thank you for writing this…I plan to pass along to my hubby so he knows I haven’t forgotten about him!

    Blessings!

  • Alicia says:

    Amazing!

  • Bekah says:

    Holy wow. I’m sitting in my office in tears right now. This spoke directly to my heart, and the words I’ve been searching for for so long now. Thank you. Thank you for have the courage to speak your heart as the rest of us try to find healing.

  • Sonja Banks says:

    Thank you! Beautiful!

  • Paula says:

    This is so true.. too late for me!

    I wish I knew how to say it – great reminder for all the young moms out there!!

  • dancingcrane says:

    Loved this! This is what my husband and I had to learn over time. But after 34 years and five kids, I can say that treating our relationship as priority one, was the best thing we ever did for ourselves, and for our kids. They had a chance to see that these grown ups weren’t just mommy and daddy, but two people who had lives that belonged to each other, and not just to them. Your kids need to see that, too, not just your spouse.

    We finally insisted on weekly date nights, and other assorted appointments with each other. Even if all we had was a half hour, or even a solid 15 minutes, to ourselves that day, the time was priceless. And people who saw us on a date would sometimes ask if we were newlyweds. At a wedding dinner, we were once mistaken for the happy couple – because we looked the part! Don’t ever lose that…and if you have, you can find it again. It just takes communication, and forgiveness. When you have that, you’ll find a way to make time for each other.

  • Kim says:

    Very well said. I tried to explain something similar to this to my husband when our relationship changed after we had a child. Unfortunately it was too late for me. I urge all moms to read this and understand how important this really is so other’s marriages don’t end like mine did.

  • cute_labo says:

    God bless you.

  • Audreya says:

    I cried as I read this. Your words blew me away! I have 2 crazy kids here and I could relate to every word. I wish I could give u a hug. Your website is now in my favorites and I believe that you just may be the inspiration I have been searching for. You truly have a gift with words. The lady I was before mommy was a lot like you. Thank you…. And bless you…

  • Katrina suits says:

    It amazes me how talented you are. Thoughts that enter your mind are so eloquently put in writing for all to see. You have a great gift. Thank you for sharing.

  • Serena Fortenberry says:

    Love it!!!

  • Connie Robinson says:

    I whole heartedly agree. But reverse the roles. I am always trying to get my husband to understand that the kids don’t always have to come before us, and that we need to make more “us” time. His go to comeback is always “we have kids this is just how it is for now”. We used to be avid movie goers sometimes 4 in a weekend. In the last 10 years I don’t think I have been to the theatre more than 10 times and about 6 of the 10 I can guarantee were kid films. What was your revelation ?

    Connie
    Frustrated mom of 3

  • Jack says:

    13 lines only talk about feelings and gratitude to her husband… the rest of the letter it’s only a request for him, about beauty and love. Please be sure give to him, all you asking!…

    Regards… One Husband

  • Leslie says:

    I love this.. touched my heart so bad.. I cried! my heart hurt while reading this.. thank you

  • Lin says:

    Loved your post more than words can say! I came across it after a friend shared on FB and I’m so glad. As a new first time mom who’s being told by her husband that he’s ‘being somewhat left behind ‘,it’s exactly what I needed to read. I’ve been having a really difficult time making time for him since our baby was born 3 months ago so thank you for being brave enough to write this and share your experience.

  • Alesia says:

    This was such a great post! I just happened to stumble upon it and it brought tears to my eyes! Like I didn’t even realize how much I needed this until I read it. How much I want to sometimes go back to who I was before I had a 5, 3 and 2 year old. Thank you so much for this post. I’m going to send it to my husband to remind him how much I love him and want to be taken back to who we were before kids…even if it’s just once in a while :)

  • Ali says:

    Thank you for this. As I sit here trying to get our toddler to sleep reading this almost hurts. My health isn’t the greatest and the tiny but precious ones do take over. I wonder sometimes why he still loves me? I’m not the same… tired, stressed, sick, homeschooling, mommy, etc and he works like crazy to provide for us. I miss him, I miss what we were. I LOVE my kids to the moon but we need to get back “US”. Bless you and thanks!

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