I Had a Miscarriage

It was a simple picture posted to social media.

A man sitting behind his wife with his arms wrapped around her… hands gently resting on the sides of her tummy. She wore the world’s brightest smile and a shirt that read, “Momma-To-Be.” It was how they would announce… We are expecting!

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It had only been a few days since the test confirmed the pregnancy, but they weren’t shy about sharing the news.

Like after like… and comments full of congratulations… People they hadn’t talked to in years all giving them digital hugs and slaps on the back.

But less than a month later, the picture had been deleted. The closest friends and family notified.

…When their greatest joy turned into their deepest sorrow in the most suffocating silence.

It has been nearly seven years since that day. I have told and retold and written the story of our loss. I have processed what happened, and shared to inspire healing and hope in others… but one thing I wish that I had done when we lost our baby was say…

“I had a miscarriage.”

I wish that I had been able to say the words out loud. I wish that I freed myself from the pain of suffering silently. It was easily one of the most significant events in my life. Everything had changed. The baby that I had been preparing for… the life that I had planned… the dreams that had been dreamt… were just gone.

And I didn’t know how to say it.

I didn’t want sympathy. I wanted my baby.

But more than anything, I didn’t want the memory of my baby to die too. Like it never happened.

Like they never happened.

As if they weren’t people.

So, today… in the middle of this month that they say is for remembering the ones we lost too soon… I will say what I wish I had said all those years ago…

I lost a baby.

And then six months later, I lost another baby.

And even if the world never got a chance to know them, I want it to be known that they were loved.

#ihadamiscarriage

And I will proudly and loudly stand alongside my friends who refuse to let their precious babies be forgotten as well.

As always, With love.

Comments

  • Ariel says:

    Thank you for sharing… I am so, so sorry for your losses. We are recovering from a miscarriage less than a month ago. All the media coverage on miscarriages right now has been helpful. While we told our immediate families and close friends, some times i wonder if we should make it public knowledge. Our baby was alive and loved! Forever I will remember my little Sparrow… my baby that flew away before we could meet her! Thankful that one day we will be reunited in glory!

  • Amanda says:

    Thank you for sharing those 4 words. Some of the most horrible words a mother could have to say. I am with you in the pain. Thank you for remembering your babies and for helping others know its okay for them to speak of their angel babies.

  • Heather says:

    Thank you for sharing these words. I’ve also lost 2 babies. This month marks 4 years that we’ve lost our first baby. I was days away from my second trimester. The “safe” zone, right? After we lost our first baby, I found my voice. I experienced the peace and heart of God in such a raw way. It changed me forever.

  • Ashley Fonseca says:

    I have been there, too, on multiple occasions. I applaud you for writing this and sharing what so many people feel like they have to keep quiet. It’s so important.

  • […] I Had a Miscarriage […]

  • Becca says:

    The hardest thing I ever did was announce my miscarriages. I was terrified when I decided to write about my miscarriage on my blog just over a year ago. I was amazed at the support and love that we were shown. We had the occasional weird comment, mostly because it’s hard for people to know what to say. But I learned it opened the door for other women to talk to me about their own struggles. I don’t regret talking about our three miscarriages. I feel like I was able to help others know they weren’t alone. I also wanted everyone to know that I got pregnant (three times) and I had a baby I loved so much each time that I lost too soon. I will never regret sharing.

  • Erika M says:

    Thank you for sharing. I lost our first one to miscarriage. I remember telling my husband “I had a miscarriage” but it meant so much more when I said “Our baby died today”. A miscarriage is what happened, but it doesn’t seem to really stay what happened. I gave ours a name so it could have an identity and not be forgotten. God bless you for sharing.

  • Lisa Hunter says:

    I had five…over thirty years ago, and my heart still aches. However, God has used my experience to be a help to others. I long for the day when I see them in my Heavenly home. I like to believe there will be a rocking chair on my mansion’s porch where I will be able to rock the days away praising God for His vast love and seeing my little ones faces.

  • Janis says:

    My daughter also had her first two pregnancies end in miscarriage. As she awaits her first baby after three pregnancies,I wonder how to commemorate those other two babes while celebrating this one.

  • Anastasia Ivy says:

    You are very brave. I understand what you went through and are going through. Thank you very much for sharing those moments with us.

  • Kylee says:

    thank you so much for this! I had a miscarriage 4 months ago, and I have such a hard time with the “hush-hush” surrounding miscarriage! #ihadamiscarriage and I’m so thankful to find women such as yourself who are willing to speak out about it!!

  • Leaota says:

    Prayers of comfort for you and your family.

  • Heather says:

    Thank you for sharing these words. I’ve also lost 2 babies. This month marks 4 years that we’ve lost our first baby. I was days away from my second trimester. The “safe” zone, right? After we lost our first baby, I found my voice. I experienced the peace and heart of God in such a raw way. It changed me forever. <3

  • Tara says:

    Becky, thank you for being so honest & open. Thank you for being strong, for those of us who are weak.
    Praying God blesses your ministry beyond what you can imagine, ask or think.

  • Viola says:

    Becky, thank you for this. My first miscarried as soon as I found out I was pregnant. The medical people called it “spontaneous abortion.” No, I lost a baby, I didn’t abort. I never really had time to process it all. Since reading your story, today and previous, I’ve realized how significant it was. I became pregnant again 6 months after this one, she made it!😊 My husband had a dream a few months ago with a girl he believes was our lost one. It was awesome to hear about! I look forward to someday meeting my lost baby.

    • Sarah says:

      After we lost our baby I had to go in multiple times for HCG tests, as I assume most do. I cannot tell you the amount of anger that came over me every time I had to look at the paper work that read “spontaneous abortion”. No I did not abort my baby, I wanted my baby, I prayed for my baby daily. Abort is not at all what happened. Still to this day the fact that they use that terminology is infuriating to me.

      • Esther says:

        I too wish the medical community chose verbiage that had a softer impact at such a painful time. Their medical term is too easily misunderstood. Perhaps it will take the sting from the word “abortion” to know it simply means to come to an end as in “abort mission” in the military which means bring the mission to an end. Their use of the word “spontaneous” acknowledges you did not initiate the end of your pregnancy. May God bring you comfort in your loss.

  • kristen ballou says:

    its just so hard losing a baby. not relatable and engaging as expecting. its a ‘don’t talk about it’ sort of thing. so you do it on your own, quietly. Don’t hurt anyone’s day by talking about it. I lost a baby and it was so much harder than just “oh, you had a miscarriage”, like that’s a normal thing sometimes. No, it’s not, not to me. and it hurts your soul. Having cancer is easier to talk about (how weird is that?!)
    My baby is in heaven and I have to wait to meet him/her. That is my saving grace. And i think about it, quietly and to myself. thank you for a sweet post.

  • Elizabeth Brulc says:

    I also miscarried two babies in a row. I’m determined not to keep silent about my losses. When I was ready, I announced our losses on Facebook. I heard from a number of friends who had also lost children through miscarriages and stillbirths. It encouraged me greatly and I think it has helped them as well. Reading your post made me see I’m not alone in speaking up. Thank you, Becky!

  • Amber says:

    Yes!! I had a loss in 2010, followed by a healthy pregnancy. Then a loss in 2014. It’s part of me…part of my life story. I don’t want to “get over it”. I loved my babies & still do!

  • Amber Hess says:

    They will never be forgotten… the lives lost, the time lost.
    A tree was planted at a family home in remembrance

  • Tiffany Joy Murphy says:

    You are a miricle for helping mothers who are in your shoes. Thank you and God will bless you for it!

  • Amy Deskins says:

    I have lost three babies in a row all in the second trimester. It was the hardest thing I have been through. I think about them everyday and I still remember when each one would have been born and how old they would be now. I will never forget them.

  • Sherry Wood says:

    James Logan Wood in 6th month, 1-21-1984

  • Suzanne Villanueva says:

    This was a beautifully written piece. I had a miscarriage too, after a long fertility struggle. My story ended happily, with my husband and I having healthy twins that turned two a couple weeks ago. But we don’t forget in my house that our boys have an older brother or sister that we loved but lost. When I shared the news of the miscarriage with coworkers (who had been a part of the fertility journey and had known the happy news that we were expecting), I got such a wonderful outpouring of support. I also got woman after woman telling me that her own family journey had included at least one miscarriage along the way.

  • Melissa Disney James says:

    I’ve lost 4 now. I’m just about to put my 1st blog post “out there” and I’m totally scared. Not sure why. I think the things we keep in the dark seem so scary and once we let them into the light- they can breathe and letting others know helps to lift the burden from our souls. I know this. And yet it’s still hard to be transparent.
    I’ve had visions and dreams of my kids in heaven. So I’ve titled my blog “Our Kids In Heaven”- hoping others will share their hearts as well and it will lead to more healing and more courage for me to speak out about this secret M word that needs to breathe in some healthy light.
    Thanks for sharing your heart Becky. I appreciate it. Lots of love, Melissa

  • Emily Hicks says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so sorry that you had to experience this traumatic loss two times. I experienced a very similar situation. I announced my pregnancy two days after I found out I was pregnant and exactly one month later I was devastated when I lost my precious baby. It has been 6 months and I still don’t go a day without missing that baby and thinking about who s/he would’ve been. I think it does help talking about it. I know talking about it like it was an event that happened, because it was, instead of acting like it didn’t happen helped a lot. I pray this post gave you some peace. <3 Again, I am so sorry your losses. :(

  • Beth Petersen says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story, and God bless you and your family. I am so sorry for your losses. I too had a miscarriage two days shy of Christmas, the day we were going to announce it to the world (or our world). I am still grieving, and I am so fearful that the validation of my pregnancy, the fact that I made life inside me will be forgotten. I constantly talk about it to my husband, and perhaps it’s because I am in somewhat of denial. We are strong women who should have never experienced this type of grief, losing a child. Hugs to you, and thank you for pouring your heart out. -Beth P, Burnsville, MN

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