I Never Thought I’d Be Here Again

Hope in the Midst of Transition

“I have been in seasons of my life when it seems like the sun will never rise, when the darkness lingers, and when the warmth of the morning light seems unreachable. There have been seasons of my life when I believed the darkness and fear boasted of its success.
But those seasons do not last forever– no matter what the darkness whispers, no matter what our circumstances say. Even when fear promises that you will always feel this way– that you are never going to be truly happy again– the darkness cannot last forever because the sun always rises.
Always.”

You can find that quote on page 64 of my book, Hope Unfolding: Grace-Filled Truth for the Momma’s Heart.

It’s a good word. It’s a God word. It’s encouragement that I didn’t think I’d personally need again. I thought I was writing for everyone else still trapped in a season of endless nights. But here I am. I find myself feeling like I’m standing in the dark, reminding myself that I have felt the warmth of the sun and I will feel it again.

About six months ago, Jared and I and our three kids left everything we knew in Oklahoma and moved to Los Angeles, CA  because the Lord called us here. He didn’t explain fully how we’d be able to afford such a crazy move. He didn’t exactly lay out the full plan and ask us to weigh our options before we carefully calculated our best choice.

With the full plan held closely to His chest, the Lord simply extended His hand and said, “Come.” And so we did. We packed up our lives and came to serve alongside friends doing incredible Kingdom work in this city.

We were beyond excited. It was a full faith adventure. My husband and I said things to each other like, “This is what the brave prophets and teachers and evangelists and patriarchs of the faith did all throughout Scripture. We are leaving our lives behind. We are following the Lord! God is good and we will not fail because He is with us. This is the adventure of a lifetime!”

Six months into this journey, I want to be 100% transparent.

The last few months have been hard. Super hard. Painfully hard. Some days, I can hardly catch my breath hard. I feel sad. I feel worried. I feel anxious about the future. And I physically mourn my old life. I miss my family, my friends, and what was familiar. I miss the confidence I had in the path I could see in front of me. I miss what I thought would always be…

I am uncertain about what is to come, and I grieve for what was left behind.

I think we often overlook these valley moments when we survey the landscape of a Spirit-led life. Or perhaps we just don’t talk about them enough. The truth is, the promise of a Spirit-led life does not mean there won’t be heartache or hardships or trials or what-are-You-doing-GOD moments. Far from it. A Spirit-led life does not mean there won’t be valleys.

The promise of a Spirit-led life is the guarantee of God’s presence in the process. It’s the promise that the Lord won’t lead us anywhere that He isn’t intending to go with us… right through every joy and sadness.

I wonder if we (as Christians) don’t rush sadness sometimes. I wonder if we feel like sadness is an obstacle we should overcome, when really even Jesus took time to weep for what was lost.

There’s an opportunity in the process of mourning to worship God and trust Him in a way that we aren’t able when everything is going well.

So, I’m not ashamed to say that I have been grieving. I’m not embarrassed to say that I have been allowing my heart to lament the loss.

But I also know that praise is my weapon against deep sorrow. It’s my weapon against fear. It’s my weapon against anxiety and worry and everything else that would try and bar my access to hope.

So, I’m going to tell you how I have felt recently.

I have felt sad.

I have felt worried.

I have felt anxious. So so so anxious. Chest crushingly anxious some days.

But deep within me… deeper than any of my feelings… there is the resounding voice of Truth echoing off the chamber walls of my heart saying again and again, “I am with you. I am for you. I am all that you need.”

And despite my feelings, my spirit continues to respond, “I will trust You. I will hold onto You. I will keep walking even when I can’t see.”

I didn’t think I’d ever be here again… Not after putting on the full armor of God and wielding my weapons and shouting, “I KNOW WHO I AM AND I KNOW WHO GOD IS AND I HAVE BEEN SET FREE FROM PANIC AND ANXIETY!”

But I can tell you this… The Lord is so close in this season just as He has been in every season like it.

I can see the face of my Jesus even as the seas swirl around me. I can see the face of the One who is stripping away every last bit of all that would keep me from fully trusting Him. I can hear His voice reminding me of the Truth I have known all along– the Truth that He is good and able.

And I can feel hope rising like the sun after a very dark night.

In case you out here with me in your own season of sorrow or loss or worry or anxiety or uncertainty… remember this with me. This is just sentence of the story that God is writing in our lives.

God will provide. He has not forgotten about us. He will supply every need… and not just the financial ones. He will supply our emotional needs — the heartache menders, the community builders, the joy in the midst of all that was lost.

Because every story He writes is one of restoration, reconciliation and relationship.

Can you see it, too? That first sign of light? The promised rays of a sun ready to rise?

I can. We’re on the cusp of dawn. And there are people waiting to hear how we made it through the night.

Comments

  • Steph says:

    I have spent a lot of time in that place, and now that I’m on the other side of it, I know it’s because I could not keep going until I gave up on myself. You read that right; I had to surrender. You wrote something during that time… a story about Peter and being called out on to the water and I cried because it was God talking to me. I kept feeling like I was drowning, and I was, because I was relying too much on myself to get through it. I was drowning because I cannot walk on water. I do not have that power, strength, or ability. Jesus does. When I stopped lying to myself that I could do this on my own, that I am strong enough to walk on that water (which, is what your writing did for me, in that moment), I felt the sunshine again. Together, hand in hand and sometimes carried, Jesus got me to where I needed to be.

    I go out into the world and face evil for a living. I know now that there is no way to do that, daily, without the armor of God. People say they cannot imagine doing what I do. I can only imagine, because I know God is working through me, and He made me a warrior. Just like you!

    There is so much you have to offer to California. They have never seen the likes of you (& I lived there, so I know). You’ve got this because He’s got YOU.

  • Jenn says:

    I was wondering where you’ve been lately. Thank you for saying YES to what the Lord has called you to do!

  • Sue Buza says:

    Seen many a season like this one Becky, one thing is for certain I have learned through them all – you are being prepared for greater ministry, fitted for heavier armour, stripped down to only absolute essentials…faith in nothing but our Savior.

    Though I can feel your chest pain and aching sorrow, when I read this today I was excited for you. God is on the move, my friend. And yes, don’t rush it. Take time with Him as He is drawing close to you.

  • Krissy says:

    Thank you so much. I needed a message like this right now.

  • Stephanie A Wood says:

    amazing… I am in the midst of a season that feels very dark… several things happening with my children. I decided a couple of weeks ago.. that I didn’t want to stay “there” anymore… in the deep dark despair and decided to make myself enjoy the life I have. Your writing confirms what I already knew.. It’s a season, and God will walk through it with me!!! Thank you for sharing!!

  • Debra says:

    I needed this today. My husband of 35 years left me and filed for divorce on January 11 of this year. I have been a mess and I search for good in each day. Some days are harder than others. I know God is here with me but I long for my old life back. I pray each day for guidance. Thank you for this message.

  • Brandi Matthews says:

    Your words and posts always seem to come at the right time for me. I know that’s God whispering peace and hope to me. Thank you for that❤️

  • K says:

    I don’t think I’ve ever been to your site before, but I noticed a friend had commented on your Facebook post, so I clicked through. It certainly seems providential because I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of a valley.
    My husband wants us to move a few states away to where his family lives. My family lives about an hour from us, but he feels like that’s too far to be from family, so he wants to take us even farther from mine so we can be close to his. There are more reasons besides just family – financial, goal related, work-related… but we wouldn’t have to move if we didn’t want to (and I really don’t want to!).
    I love where we are right now. We’ve been in this area for over 10 years. We started our family here, we’re in a small group that feels like family, our kids have great friends, and my oldest is thriving in a wonderful school. And the timing is just so hard. There are several really positive transitions that are happening here – things I’m looking forward to in our neighborhood, our family, and our church.
    My husband doesn’t seem to understand why I don’t trust him with the big picture – he is certain it’ll be the best for our family in the long term. He’ll probably be happier, but I’m fairly positive I’ll be miserable at first. It may only be a few states away, but it would be a complete cultural change for me. If we do this, and I feel like ultimately I’ll have no choice, I’m going to lose my tribe, my support system. Just the thought of it hurts so much…
    I know God often uses these valleys to draw us closer to himself, and that staying in our comfort zones can be the worst thing for our spiritual walk…
    It would be so much easier if I felt confident that God was calling us there. But seeing what you have written here, even then it would probably not be all sunshine and roses.
    I’m sorry that you’re going through this difficult valley. Thank you for your encouragement, and thank you for being real and honest with your struggles.

  • Jennifer says:

    Thank you for being brave and posting this. I believe it is inspired and I truly needed to hear that someone else in Ministry feels EXACTLY the same as I do. Like copy and paste – left our home and all we had dreamed of to go do kingdom work in a foreign place. I felt so brave and full of faith at first! Later, I thought it was wrong to feel scared and anxious. I thought people would judge me for not having enough faith. I could hear my friends at home laughing at my failure. Such lies the Enemy whispers to us! He twists even what is intended for good. Thank God for the victory! Thank God for people who love you no matter what. Thank God for counselors who teach you discernment and how to trust God in those moments of doubt. Thank you. Thank you.

  • Traci says:

    This post came at the perfect time for me. I’m a foster mama who is losing a son we’ve raised for the past 7 months of his 9 month life. He’s leaving us in heart wrenching fashion. You described the anxiety I feel so perfectly. It’s debilitating. Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone. I pray the sun lights up your world today.

  • Jenn Kish says:

    I am right here with you in this season and I have never heard anyone else talk about grieving your former life. I recently had a moment where I realized that’s is right where I am, in a season of mourning. While I am excited about this journey and what God is doing I am definitely mourning the plans I made and trading them for the plans He made. Thank you for sharing your heart and putting words to my feelings!

  • Faith says:

    Oh Becky! I have been living in the parallel of your words, only opposite situation. We moved from the strange land that had become home over 4 years to “home”, near family and friends from “before”. Home is now a lonely, somber place with everyone’s lives shifting or not, to fit us in. It’s a struggle on both sides. I’ve recently, after 6 months of all the feelings of loneliness, strife, and anxiety that only One can sustain me. The Lord is good isn’t he? Refining for sure, but good.

  • Mary says:

    Oh Becky! My heart aches for you all. I know what it’s like to leave everything and everyone behind and move across the country! It is so hard. God’s grace will carry you. It definitely takes a lot of time. And you are right – you have to mourn what is lost. Because youe life won’t ever be the same again. It will be good again and yes you will be and are blessed but it won’t ever look the same as it did before your move. I will pray for you all. God is GOOD and HE has a plan though. Be good to yourselves and give lots of grace and mercy to yourself and those around you. This too shall pass and you will know the Father’s love in a new way!

  • NLS says:

    This one hit right on the nail!!! I have been feeling like this for a while and I cant seem to get out!! I know God is there and he is with me, I feel him. I need to let him do his work on me, I cant be stubborn.

  • Doris Keen says:

    Beautiful. I have had trials over my 81 years of life but not the kind you experienced, but Jesus walked me through everyone. Sometimes I did not trust the way my earthly Father had taught me but I knew God was near even when I tried to solve things my way. I thank God daily because both my husband & I are healthy & able to work for the Lord with first graders & many friends.
    Keep writing. You express yourself beautifully!!!

  • Chelsea says:

    Becky, yes! My husband took a job in Salina last year moving us from our beautiful Pacific Northwest to… Well, Kansas. God was telling us “go. I need you there” and that has been my truth for a year. I keep going back to that, and trusting that he really does need me here even if i don’t get why yet. Thank you for your continued transparency.

  • Carrie Turansky says:

    Tears in my eyes as I read your honest, heart-tugging post. I am in a good place now, but I remember the anxious days in the past and can relate to those painful feelings. These are challenging times that test our faith and show us He gives grace and is with us in our weakness. I will pray for you, Becky. You have important gifts, words of encouragement to share, and good works God has planned for you and your husband. May you sense His love and comfort today as you continue to settle into your new home and ministry in CA. Love and blessings, Carrie

  • Shannon says:

    Yes!!! To all of this! Yes to rushing sadness. Yes to thinking I would never be here again! Yes to God doing more in our lives in these seasons than when things are going well. Praying for you!

  • Wendy sampon says:

    Before every TESTimony…there is a TEST. You have stepped out in faith and that is always scary and uncomfortable. But, The Lord called you. That, in of itself, is extremely precious. Empathy is what makes you so powerful in your writings. Find joy in the hardships knowing He has your back. He’s riding shotgun…because you are up against the enemy. You are a front line warrior for the Lord. Few can set aside their comfortable lives and truly serve the Lord. You are doing great! You are a daughter of the most high God. You will win the war❤️

  • Heather says:

    I am so glad you wrote this. We live here in LA and my family is back in OK. I miss OK and my family and find days of just wanting a storm or two. The small things in life that people here are missing. I am not sure why God brought you out to LA, but I am glad to have a fellow Okie in this city. I will think of you and pray for you when I am missing home.

  • Renee says:

    Thank you for sharing the trials, anxiousness, and torment you have felt in making your move. Yes, your sharing God’s. Truth of standing by, working, with you through all the upheaval will be helpful as God’s infinite wisdom of comfort. God bless you.

  • Rebecca Watson says:

    In 2003 we left a church of 2500 people and our home with 5 bedrooms & 3 baths to follow God’s leading to a place where I knew NO one and lived in a teeny apartment. It felt like a camper to me. Talk about mourning my loss. Just 10 months later I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. I was deep into that dark night of the soul. I went through anger, despair, hopelessness, but through it all I was able to maintain my trust in God. I love reading God’s word, even tho “I am the God who heals all your diseases” still sounds like a lie to my natural self. My spirit says I trust your perfect timing on that. I actually feel better than I did for many years and have a lot more fruits of the Spirit working in my life—which is the point of suffering.

  • Karin Glowski says:

    I am very very glad you shared this!!! I am going through a very similar grieving and have not seen the out yet. I’m hurting in many leavels. The Lord is digging so deep I am finding things I thought I dealt w r still alive and not healed. I thought I was such. Strong woman of God and now I see what I am. I am broken. Hoping to b restored and new. I feel very blessed u r out there. Please write me. I’ll share more if need b.🙏
    Bless u sister in Christ.

  • Lauren says:

    My best friend, shared your blog with me. Because, I have been feeling down, anxious, and so so afraid. God is calling me into a direction, of a career change. And this said career, is a huge pay cut for me. I’ve been so worried. But, I keep hearing the same things God is saying to you. ‘I will provide’, ‘Be not afraid, only believe.’ ‘Take this step in faith.’ And, reading your words tonight, thank you. Thank you for putting your story out there. I feel so encouraged by your blunt honesty!! With the 100% transparency. There will be rough times, but I agree, let’s tell them how we made it through the darkness. I pray the Lord blesses you. Thank you again for sharing!! (And I apologize for the novel of a comment) lol.

    Sincerely,
    Lauren

  • Mackenzie says:

    Dearest Becky. You are so brave to share. And I have noticed your quiet absence lately. You’re not alone. You remind your readers often, but now I’m reminding you. Keep trusting in the Lord. I’m in a painful season of life too. Waiting for the corner, the turn of the page. It is so exhausting when we keep looking ahead for it to be over. BUT like you said, what lies here in this frame that we can learn from in this pain. How much more can our faith grow within this process of refining? I have a little picture hanging over my kitchen sink from a wise woman who once said “let praise become your weapon.” 😉 carry on Sister. ❤️

  • Lauren says:

    Thank you so much for writing this. I can relate on such a personal level. The Lord called my husband and I to move from Connecticut to San Diego for ministry 2.5 years ago. Since then, we have both experienced incredible sadness and loneliness, struggling to make friends and feeling so homesick. Then, God encouraged me to leave the ministry we moved here to serve. My husband has been in and out of the hospital with unexplained illnesses and we have no idea what our life here will look like. But we are trusting the Lord. He is good, he is faithful and he has never left us. He will see our lives to completion and carry out the work he has called us to, even if we don’t know it yet! 2.5 years in, we are still struggling a bit but we have had tremendous highs in the midst of low lows and I will never regret following the Lord into the unknown. It has stretched and grown our faith more than anything else we have ever experienced! Thank you for being so vulnerable and real, I appreciate it so much!

  • Kristan says:

    This is so beautiful! Have you heard the song weep with me by rend collective? It’s besutiful and one of my favorites when I’m feeling sad about something. I will be praying for your heart to be encouraged and for your mourning to be full and completed when it is time to lift your chin and settle fully into your new life – cherish the old, embrace the new, but we never need to separate the two! ❤️

  • Melissa says:

    I feel like this is so much my story too, we recently moved to a new town… opposite of you, larger town to town with almost nothjng. I have tried so hard to lean in to God and not push threw the sadness, but with active kiddos, not in school, I was the caregiver, entertainer, scheduler of life, and somehow trying to find balance while my husband traveled our first 6 months and I had to navigate being a SAHM after being a working mom for so long.
    Thank you for being transparent, honest, and willing to talk about your feelings.

  • LAURA COX says:

    Your words of wisdom always leave me awe♥️
    This testimony brought me to Maththew 14:22-31. Just like Matthew and his friends at sea, Jesus reached out his hand and called you out onto the water .They were terrified as the storm thrashed and crashed them against their boat and feared for their lives and the future. Doubt and fear almost caused them to fall betheath the current . But as you know they weren’t alone! When I let fear and anxiety control me it exhauasts me mentally and weakens me emotionally. Which hinders me spiritually and almost drowns me beneath the waves until I am reminded of my faith with story’s like yours . I love that you’re faith screams “GOD I TRUST YOU NO MATTER WHAT!” Just like you said He doesn’t lead you anywhere that he doesn’t intend to go too! Thank you for always pointing us back to him👆🏼

  • Christina Barrera says:

    Hi, I’m so sorry this is very random but I just listened to you on Focus on the Family and broke down crying. I thought I was the only one who dealt with the guilt of feeling overwhelmed with little ones and not giving enough attention to my partner. I really needed to hear that and want you to know that hearing that has really made me change my way of thinking and to show more grace towards my spouse. Thank you so much for sharing your words!

  • Em says:

    Needed to read this tonight…
    Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your hope. Hang in there!

  • Brenna Gregor says:

    I feel very inspired by your prayers and how truthful you are about things you go through like the rest of us. Thank you for being their for us mamas that sometimes just need someone to relate to.

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