Husbands, I need to tell you a secret. It’s important… really important.

Ready?

Your wife? She wants your help, but she doesn’t know how… or really want to have to ask you for it.

It’s not a specific task she wants your help with. It’s life.

She doesn’t just want you to wash the dishes, or pick up your own laundry, or decide to help the kids with their homework tonight (even though she probably wouldn’t tell you to stop if you did any of those things… unless of course you were doing them wrong ?)

She wants you to see the world as she sees it. She wants you to see all of the moving parts of your life together… and her in the middle of it.

And then… she wants you to rescue her.

I can hear the comments already. I can hear some women saying, “Stop. I don’t need to be rescued.”

So hear me. I’m not talking rescue like a princess saved from a fire-breathing dragon. Alright?

I’m taking about rescue like, “I could have done it myself, but you stepped in when you didn’t have to and now everything feels a little less overwhelming.”

I’m talking rescue like you saw her blind spot, the area where she didn’t even know she needed help… and you were there at just the right time to make her life easier.

Wouldn’t it be nice if she just asked? Yes.

We get it. Wives know that you don’t want to play mind games and you just want us to tell you what we need. (Even though we all know we’d probably have to nag you a bit about it. Kidding. Mostly.)

But, buddy…

Romance doesn’t look like doing the things she asks you to do.

The babysitter she paid to help with the kids can take out the trash or fold that load of laundry because she asked.

No. The help she needs from you that will mean the most to her will be the things she doesn’t ask you to do… but that you do on your own… because you saw it.

Because you saw… her.

The truth is, husbands, the heart of the issue isn’t your lack of help. We KNOW how hard you work and how much you love and how hard you’re trying to help out. We’re partners after all

The heart of the issue is this…

Deep down she feels unseen.

And the most painful part of this truth… is that  she hopes deep down you don’t feel the same way.

Because we can’t watch for any more blind spots. We feel like we can’t look for any more that you might need from us because are already operating at max capacity. We are already spread thin from thinking about and taking care of everyone else.

So…
If I may, husbands, let me offer this simple bit of advice.

Surprise her not just by what you took from her plate that she could have taken care of herself…

Surprise her by taking care of that one thing…  that one thing you see her struggling with that only you can help her with because you are her husband.

I think you might be surprised by the way your simple gesture… your unprovoked kindness… your knight in shining armor moment of ordinary valor… changes the climate of love in your home.

After all, you wouldn’t be loving first. Scripture says we love because Christ first loved us. You’re actually just loving Jesus back by loving your wife.

And when He’s involved, and when you begin to see things from His perspective, well… that’s when your marriage will change.

Does she want your help? Yes. But does she want to be seen? Absolutely.

And when the two collide, you just might love your wife in the very way she needs to be loved the most.

And that? Well, that’s some good advice for a Thursday.

(PS Husbands: If you think for a second that I’m putting this all on you?

I’d like to point out that I wrote an entire book on how wives can rediscover their marriage in the midst of motherhood.

No. This isn’t an attack. Far from it. This is a gift – an opportunity – a chance to have a peek into the inner workings of your wife’s heart.

And an opportunity to do something about it.

It’s entirely up to you what you decide to do from here.)

Let me know if this sounds familiar – the end of the day comes and you’re exhausted. You know that sex is important, but really… so is sleep. Right?

I could tell a relatable story here about how sex has changed since my husband and I got married nearly eleven years ago and we had our three kids, but let’s be honest… we don’t know each other that well yet. So let’s just say that I get it.

I get that making time for and being intentional about connecting intimately with our husbands can feel like one more thing on our to-do lists at any point of motherhood. But I think that the early years especially can create significant space between husbands and wives.

Not only are we exhausted, but we often have other people in bed with us – babies who are nursing or littles who are sleeping with us. Even families who enforce strict independent sleep routines might still have a child who has a bad dream and crawls in between mommy and daddy.

In addition to this, many of us have to come to terms with our post baby bodies. And as we wrestle with our own feelings concerning our new bodies, we also have to work through what we think our husbands are thinking of our new bodies. (Even if they say they’re still very much attracted to us). We might not be less confident, but there is often some sort of a shift in how we feel about how we look.

And if we can get past all these challenges, we know what happens on the nights we say yes and go for it. We have to be quiet because the baby is sleeping in the next room or in the bassinet. And we have to be quick in case someone wakes up and needs us (and kills the mood forever). Or we wonder if our older kids are really asleep.

Look, we all know that what happens on the other side of your bedroom door matters in your marriage. We know that sex is important, but we also know that children have a way of remaking the marriage bed.

So what’s the secret to having great sex despite all of those challenges? How is connecting intimately at the “end of the day” even possible if we are exhausted and would rather just watch Netflix and… actually chill?

Lean in close, sister, the answer is simple and yet profound. Are you ready? The key to great sex after your names become mom and dad is this…

Connect during the day.

What do I mean by that? Well, think back to the beginning when you first fell in love. There wasn’t just attraction, there was time spent talking with each other, holding hands, touching before any sort of intimate touching took place. (Is this conversation making anyone else uncomfortable?)

There was romance.

It makes sense, but we often forget that all of the little things that take place before we ever reach our bedroom door make anything on the other side of it feel possible.

The truth is, ladies, romance today might look like paying attention when your husband tells you about his day. It might look like focusing on what he’s saying even if your kids are demanding your attention at the same time. It might look like placing your hand on his back or reaching out for physical connection just because. It might look like being genuinely happy to see him and not just happy to have someone else around to care for the kids.

Husbands, romance might look like helping her with whatever she is capable of doing herself… without her having to ask you to do it. It might mean recognizing her exhaustion and doing something about it (even though you are beyond tired too). It might look like seeing her as your bride and not just the woman who keeps your family going. It might look like telling her that you still see and love her.

The key to great sex now that we are parents is connecting as husband and wife in the middle of everything else… before we are ever alone. And that is something we can do right now in order to prepare for later tonight.

I know that it is possible to rediscover our marriages in the middle of being mom and dad. It takes intentional effort… but, friend, it’s always always worth it.

Who knew the key to great sex was right in front of us?

Portions of the article above have been adapted from my book, Love Unending: Rediscovering Your Marriage in the Midst of Motherhood. You can find your copy at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Target, or any Christian bookstore.

It felt nice to be noticed.

It felt nice to be complimented.

It felt nice to be appreciated.

It felt nice to be respected.

It felt nice to laugh with them.

It felt nice to get along without fighting.

It felt nice to be seen as a person and not just as a parent.

That felt nice.

What a person does with that thought determines what happens next.

One year ago, I wrote an article that went viral for two reasons – a ton of people loved it and nearly an equal number of people hated it. (You can click here to read the full article before continuing if you’d like.)

In that article, I shared how I called my husband at work, and he didn’t have time to talk. Later that day, I went to a store where a man not only paused to say hello, but voiced that he hoped my day got better. The guy had no motive other than kindness. He wasn’t hitting on me. He wasn’t flirting, and his words weren’t bad.

But Satan used that moment to whisper, “Your husband doesn’t notice you like that.” And that was the danger. Because while I had no intentions of wanting a relationship with that man in the store, the moment we entertain the thought that someone other than our spouse could notice us, or appreciate us, or see us in ways our spouse cannot, we have put our relationship at risk.

In the article I went on to say, “The most dangerous threats to our marriage don’t always look like a steep drop off. They don’t look like a place that is obviously hazardous that we can easily avoid. Sometimes, the most dangerous threats to our marriage look like a friendship with a coworker, or church member, or that nice single dad in the car-line at school.”

That is where those who read the article either started cheering or laughing. Where they said, “She’s right,” or, “She’s crazy.”

The truth is, many didn’t understand because as a whole we have wrongly defined infidelity. We have decided that infidelity is sexual intimacy or an obviously inappropriate emotional relationship. But an affair doesn’t just begin when two people sleep together. An affair doesn’t start when the first physical boundary is crossed. Infidelity doesn’t even begin with the first text, or call, or meet up. Unfaithfulness begins when a person wonders what a relationship with someone other than their spouse would be like.

Yeah. That needs to be said. We need to talk about that. We need to redefine the word affair. We need to make very clear what it means to be faithful and what it means to be unfaithful.

Unfaithfulness is giving any part of our heart to someone other than our spouse, and it begins the moment we even wonder what that would be like.

It begins the day that you decide to get dressed nicer than usual because you know that coworker is going to be there too. Unfaithfulness begins the day you decide to stay an extra few minutes at the park just in case that one dad drops by with his kids like last week. The infidelity begins the moment you decide to send the extra text message because you don’t want the conversation to end just yet. The betrayal begins the moment you think that person just understands you better than your spouse does. It begins when you want to talk, touch, or be with someone other than your spouse.

Unfaithfulness begins in our heads long before it progresses to anything else. Jesus even talks about this in Matthew 5:28 saying, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.“ He understood the power of our thoughts to impact our hearts.

And THAT is why the thought, “That felt nice,” can be so dangerous. Whether you believe in Jesus or not, the truth is the threat to a relationship begins right there at that tiny flash of a second… before the text, call, conversation, lunch, hotel, or weekend away is a thought something like, “That felt nice.” And it is quicksand.

We can either step out onto it and wonder, “What else is out there?” Or we can keep our footing and ask ourselves, “How can I make these feelings happen with my spouse?”

Faithfulness begins right here. We have to be willing to identify quicksand and call it dangerous. If we’re going to remain faithful spouses, we need to be honest with ourselves and others about what it means to be unfaithful… and if we’re going to be faithful friends we need to be ready to point out danger in the lives of those we love.

A reminder for us to watch our footing and make adjustments where necessary…

So much love,
Becky

He’s kind and brave and steady. He’s gentle and loving and intentional. He’s everything I ever wanted him to be and so much more…

I thought about this guy for many years in my early married life. Truthfully, I began thinking about him long before I ever met my husband.

If you’ve been around for awhile, you know that I was married young. My husband, Jared, and I met when I was just eighteen and were married shortly after my nineteenth birthday. Sometimes, I shake my head thinking about how much I didn’t know back then. As you might imagine, there are plenty of opportunities to struggle as a couple when you’re married so young. We lived through many of those opportunities.

But by God’s grace alone, this year my husband and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary. It’s a miracle, really, because in those early years, when I wasn’t feeling loved by my husband, I would think of this other guy. Now, don’t get confused. He wasn’t anyone I knew, he was just a thought… an idea. He was just someone I made up “out there” who could love me better or understand me more than my husband could. 

When we were struggling, I would wonder, “Maybe I married the wrong guy. Maybe we were too young. Maybe this will never work. Maybe there is someone who will make me feel more loved.“

Those thoughts were dangerous. The idea of an imaginary guy who was just waiting to love me better than my husband could was perhaps the most threatening thing to our marriage. It could be the most threatening thing to any marriage, because essentially it is an emotional affair with a person who doesn’t really exist. We turn our hearts away from our spouses and wonder what could be with someone else… even if the other person is just an idea. It’s like asking our husbands to measure up to a fictitious character and being disappointed when they don’t love us as well as our imaginary boyfriends.

Worse, the idea of someone else “out there” doesn’t just put unfair expectations on our spouses, it can open the door to real emotional or physical affairs. It lowers the defense of our hearts from the threat of outside pursuit. Truthfully, the idea that someone else will make us feel more fulfilled is one of the most dangerous threats to any marriage, because it sets our hearts down a path they were never designed to go.

Our hearts are programed to love in response to love. We are designed to love back. But how are we supposed to continue to show love when we don’t feel loved? And how do we keep our hearts from wandering toward the idea that someone else could love us better?

Listen, I don’t know where your marriage is right now. I don’t know if you’re struggling like I was in my early days of marriage, wondering if you made the right choice. I don’t know if you have thought someone else could love you better, or if the guy has an actual name and you’ve let your heart go down a path it never should have gone.

But I do know this for certain.

The Word of God says in 1 John 4:19, “We love because He first loved us.” Stop. Replay that. We love because He first loved us.

We were created to love in response to Love. We were created to love back, but it was never supposed to be in response to the love we feel from others… our spouses included. God asks us to love each other in response to His Love. And if we love our husband in response to God’s unfailing love for us, then the love we show our husbands should be unchanging no matter the circumstances of our marriages... and whether or not we feeling loved well by them.

The same is true for our husbands…

God doesn’t want you to dream about replacing your marriage. He wants you to trust Him to restore it. He wants to be the other man… the one who will love you perfectly. The only one who can actually fulfill every need in your heart. And when we choose to love our husbands in response to His Love, everything changes.

Because He is kind and brave and steady. He’s gentle and loving and intentional. He’s everything we ever wanted Him to be and so much more…

My new book, Love Unending: Rediscovering Your Marriage in the Midst of Motherhood is a 21 day journey to love your husband in response to God’s love for you. It is 21 days of intentionally loving first. Click the image below to find out more and to get the first five days with an immediate download. Join thousands of women who have already experienced transformation in their homes… before the book even releases January 3rd!

Please note: The advice on this blog is not intended to replace professional advice. If you’re in an abusive relationship, please go to a safe place and seek counsel. You do not have to remain in an abusive relationship.

Hey. I’m going to jump right in here, because we don’t have much time. I’ve got a great gift for our husbands this Christmas, and I’m SO EXCITED ABOUT IT! This is the one time I am endorsing keeping a secret from your husband. Ha!

Husbands, if you clicked (shame on you) now is your chance to make a good choice, and get out of here. I mean it… As a matter of fact, I’m giving you a second chance to do the right thing.

Ladies, follow this link to our super top secret page. Trust me. It’s worth it. Knock three times. Someone will let you in. (Just kidding about the knocking. Just go ahead and click.)

Husbands, don’t you know it’s not nice to peek at your Christmas presents?! I’m trying to help you out here!

I LOVE SURPRISES!! LADIES! SERIOUSLY. CLICK THE LINK ABOVE TO REACH THE REAL POST. THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!

I need to say something. I’m a little nervous about how to say it. I’ve started and restarted over and over, trying to find just the right string of words to make plain the message of my heart. We’re talking about marriage, specifically about saving our marriages. We’re talking about making it past Divorce Day. Yes. That’s a real day. Let me explain.

Sometime back, I read an article about how divorce rates spike after the holidays. It makes sense, I suppose.  A person might think, “Perhaps we can make it. Perhaps we can work this out. We could try harder. I don’t want to be alone this Christmas. And even though I don’t want to be with them, I don’t want to do put our kids through a divorce at Christmas time. We’ll just wait until January.

So, the first Monday of the New Year, lawyers prepare for the massive surge of clients filing for divorce. As a matter of fact, it is such a common thing, some lawyers have a name for it, “Divorce Monday.”

1 in 5 couples consider divorce at some point over the holiday season. 1 in 5. I think it’s because the holidays are amplifiers of every preexisting condition. The stresses of family, finances, communication and lack of intentional love are brought to the front of the relationship and magnified. Marriages are often forced to face every issue head on during the holiday season. So what do we do?

Look, I planned on sitting down and writing a fun survival guide to get through the holiday season with your spouse. I was going to include practical steps and funny one-liners about how hard marriage really can be, and I was going to include ways to reconnect in the middle of the mad rush. I still might post that later. I don’t know. I haven’t decided.

But as I sat down to really share my heart, something changed. See, sometimes, we read articles hoping for a strategy. We hope a few tips or tricks can rekindle the passion or lead us toward healing. We look for ways to gain peace in our homes and find joy in our marriages. But what we really need is Jesus. We need the only answer that will actually transform our families. We need His perfect love to see us right where we are… either in the middle of a marriage struggling to hang on or a marriage that seems to be steadily marching on. We need Him to show us how to love each other like He loves us. (No matter how impossible that seems.) And we need to let His love and the hope found in Him anchor us through everything that would rip us and our families apart… every argument, every unspoken offense, every forgotten unforgiveness, and every wall that is slowly built by the lack of communication or intentional love.

There are some things I know for certain about marriage. Marriage is hard and wonderful and trying and overwhelming. It requires sacrifice and intentionality and lots and lots of forgiveness. It is a gift, and it requires grace. Marriage is the heartbeat of our homes, and it needs our attention to remain healthy. But rarely do we share where our marriage really is with the world around us. Rarely do we say, “We need help.” Rarely do we talk about the places that need healing. And that’s because rarely do we remember that the purpose of salvation has always been reconciliation, and we serve a God who has been in the business of bringing hearts back together since the beginning of time. I think if we remembered that restoration was in God’s nature, we would look to Him sooner for the hope that we need in every area of our life.

Last year, I sat on the edge of my dad’s couch and asked him how to walk my marriage back from the edge. I asked him how I could rediscover what it meant to be a wife when I was so caught up with being a mom. His answer literally changed my life, and is already changing marriages around the world.

I wrote a book called, Love Unending: Rediscovering Your Marriage in the Midst of Motherhood. Based on my dad’s advice, Love Unending is a 21 day journey to fall back in love with your spouse… and do you know when it releases? The publishing house set its release for Tuesday, January 3^rd, 2017…the day after Divorce Day. (Before we knew the significance of that date.)

But now that I know the date… now that I know there will be this surge of people who rush to the lawyer’s office right after Christmas, I have this urgency in my heart. If the full book won’t be available until after the day notoriously known for the highest divorce filings of year, how do I get this information to the marriages that need it most right now?! How do I share the life-changing truths found in that book with those who are making decisions right now whether or not to keep trying?

Thousands of women have already preordered the book and have received the first five days as a special gift. Now their testimonies are pouring in. Their homes and marriages are changing by simple steps full of intentional love. The climate of their homes is changing dramatically. I have never felt more determined to get the hope contained in this book into the hands of women.

I don’t know where your marriages is this holiday season. I don’t know if you are the 1 in 5 or if you have secretly been planning your trip to the lawyer’s office on Monday, January 2^nd. I don’t know if you feel like everything is okay or will somehow mend itself before the New Year. I don’t know you, and I don’t know your marriage. But I do know this.

I know there’s hope. I know that God’s love can change everything. And I know that the advice my dad shared late one night might be the strategy you didn’t even know you needed.

Let’s get through the holidays together. Let’s get to the New Year with a renewed hope. Let’s give ourselves and our spouse and our children something that will ripple through every generation that follows us. Let’s find the Truth and Hope of Love Unending.

If you are curious, or want the first five days of Love Unending, click here for more information. If you want to strengthen your already healthy marriage, this is for you too. And if you want to help the marriage of every person you know, please consider sharing this article.

What if you were able to save one marriage that you didn’t even know was in trouble?

Jared! Jared! Are you listening to me?! He was holding his smart phone reading something not nearly as important as whatever it was I was trying to tell him. The kids were fussing in the background, dinner was on the stove, and I was so frustrated that he wasn’t paying any attention to what I had to say. He just wouldn’t look up from his phone.

It had been a long day for both of us. He was at work while I was at home with our three kids. But now that he was home, I expected him to jump in and help. I expected him to participate in the parenting. I expected more attention than his phone.

Truthfully, I needed his help, but what I craved from him was some acknowledgement of my heart.

I needed connection.

Motherhood is hard. Parenting is hard. I might not look like it, I might not ever say it, but there are plenty of days when I feel like I’m drowning, continually dipping my head just below the water as I do everything I can to keep from sinking.

And I want my husband to notice. I want my husband to notice, and then I want my husband to jump in and save the day. I want him to put down his phone and care about helping me.

But I suppose my husband craves the same attention from me. I suppose he wants me to notice all that he does to help me already. I suppose he wants me to want to engage with his heart and not just look for his help. I suppose he wants me to pay as close attention to him as I do my children.

Let’s have a little bit of real talk about this. Wives should never have to wish they were phones to get more attention from their husbands, and husbands should never have to wish they were our children to get more attention from us.

Deep down, we are both desperate for more connection. But when did we get so disconnected? When did all of the space come in?

Two words. Early parenthood. As a new mom, I was so distracted with my babies that I had to divide the time I gave to my husband and children. I would be nursing, rocking and putting the baby to sleep, and while my husband did everything he could to help, when he couldn’t do any more, he would pick up his phone and read the news or check in on social media.

As our kids grew, homework, ballgames, drs appointments, and special class projects have replaced the dirty diapers and teething and constant bottle washing. My time and my attention are still limited, but the space between us has grown.

If we don’t do something about it, all of that space between a husband and wife will just grow along with our children. All of the disengaging with each other will only become more of a habit until we look around and realize we were too busy with the kids to notice that our husbands had pulled back. That we had both pulled back.

Our situation might not match every home perfectly. The roles might be switched in your home. Perhaps  the mom is just as prone to picking up her phone and finding connection and community to replace the connection she doesn’t feel from her husband.

But what I’m guessing is true in most homes with children, is that we must work as husband and wife to remain connected in the middle of everything else once we become mom and dad… no matter what is taking our attention.

So what’s the next step?

My friend, Seth Dahl, spent 30 days reconnecting with his wife and kids. He lived for 30 days without the Internet at home to see the impact it would have on his relationships with his family. He recorded his journey and has turned it into a podcast called The Disconnected Dad now available on iTunes. What he has to share will absolutely change your family.

You might recognize his first guest in episode one. I went on a similar journey to reconnect with my husband in the midst of motherhood. I didn’t disconnect from the internet, but I discovered the secret to purposefully reconnecting with my husband. As I talked with Seth, we realized that husbands and wives were desperate for reconnection for many reasons.

I created a 21 day strategy to turn my heart and attention back toward my husband so I could engage with him like I did when we first fell in love… back before children became a part of our story. The simple steps I took changed my heart and marriage, and I want to share them with you. You can preorder Love Unending here and get the first five days right now.

It might take some work to reconnect, but the first step is simply deciding we’re ready to make the effort. It’s a decision our children will hopefully thank us for someday.

I sat on the floor of my bedroom closet. “Why doesn’t he just get it!?” I cried to myself. We were fighting about something so simple, but my heart was overwhelmed by the list I had been keeping for nine years. Everything I wanted him to do differently, every attitude of his I wished that I could change, every perspective that I felt he needed to shift… I was certain that if I could just get him to understand why he needed to make these adjustments, he would… and everything would be better. The funny thing is, he felt the same way about me.

I had tried explaining my heart. I had remained calm and conversed. I had become frustrated and yelled.  I had used every avenue I could think of to convince him why he needed to change, but nothing worked.

But something happened a year ago after a conversation with my dad. I’ve talked about that conversation before, but what I realized… what I took away from that conversation were these two things.

1. I can’t change my husband.
2. Attempting to change my husband in order to see a shift in my marriage is the wrong approach.

The truth is, I am only able to control my own attitudes and behaviors. That’s it. I’m only responsible for me. I can’t change my husband. Never. Not able to do it. Will not happen. But if I become so caught up in what I want to change about him, then I will miss what I can control – myself.

So if trying to change our husbands is the wrong approach, then what is the correct approach to experiencing a better marriage? Here’s my secret. If we want to see a shift in our marriages, then we need to break the cycle of who is loving who first.

We naturally love in response to feeling loved. It’s why love came so easy in the beginning of the relationship. No one was withholding anything. There wasn’t any bitterness or any frustration or any “I don’t feel loved so I’m not going to show love today moments. Love flowed freely.

But when space comes in and disagreements arise and life just sort of happens, we face moments where we might make the choice to stop loving so freely. If we don’t feel loved, then we don’t show love as easily. The other person in the relationship responds by withholding love also. And so we get caught in this cycle… a very unhealthy and very common cycle. This is especially true in parenthood, although it is true across most relationships.

But what would happen if someone decided to love first? What would happen in a relationship if we chose to love the other person even if they weren’t showing us love? The moment that we choose to love in an unloving situation, we win. We all win. We choose “us” over whatever else there is. We choose “us” over feeling hurt or offended. We choose “us” over proving a point. We choose “us” over the bitterness. We simply choose “us.”

But someone has to break the cycle. Someone has to love first.

1 John 4:19 says, “We love because He first loved us.” As Christians, we understand that we can love other people not because they are showing us love, but because God is. We can love others (our spouses included) because we aren’t responding to their love. We are responding to God’s. But we forget this powerful truth.

I wanted to see a change in my husband. I wanted him to appreciate me more and help around the house more and show me love in the way I wanted to be loved more, but something incredible happened the day I decided to love my husband and break the cycle of frustration for both of us. God began to soften the ground of my marriage. He completely shifted my perspective. And I saw how much simply loving my husband well and on purpose could transform our entire home. The reality is?

We can’t change them. But we can change our marriages by changing us… even if we are certain they are the ones who need the work. Because the truth is, we all need a little bit of help when it comes to this.

This is my book Love Unending that releases in January with 21 days to help you love first and break the cycle. But I don’t want you to have to wait until January to experience this shift in your home. You can get the first five days for instant download by preordering and claiming your preorder gift here.

If you commit to the first five days… you will absolutely see a change. It might not look like a change in him… it might just look like a change in your heart and home. The stories of women who have taken this challenge already are powerful. I would LOVE for you to join us.

Space. You can feel it. That space in between you and your husband… You’re not quite sure where it came from, but you know it’s there. And some days it seems like it is growing.

Things used to be different. Before kids became a part of your story, things were so very different. There was time. There was energy. There was extra life and love left over at the end of the day.

But today, he comes home from work, or you get home from work, and you’re too preoccupied with homework or highchair feedings that you don’t even turn to greet one another. You might shout it over your shoulder, but the longing that you once felt to engage with his heart may have been replaced with the longing for help.

You can tell he’s frustrated. You are too.  You feel like neither one of you are really seeing or hearing each other anymore… at least… not like you used to.

You fight sometimes. About plenty of things. You’re normal. You know that plenty of couples fight, but there seem to be some topics that aren’t ever fully resolved. It’s as if there’s this unsettled list of rights and wrongs. You get past it… but maybe never fully past it. It’s preventing deep connection. It’s adding to the space.

“If only he would”… you say to yourself.

And you know your husband feels the same way about you. You know there are things he wishes you would do too.

So what, then?

What do we do with all of that space?

When you’re so busy with your role as mom that you cannot even begin to think about how to be an okay(ish) wife… how do you get rid of all of that space?

I used to wish that someone had told me sooner. Before kids, even. Like a warning.

“Someday, your words will get shorter. Your heart will feel spread-thin. The spark will fade. And hope will seem all but lost some nights. But there’s a way to prevent that from happening. There’s a way to stay close.”

Maybe we wouldn’t be here now if they had warned us to cling to one another in the beginning.

But what do we do now that we are here? How do we turn back toward our husbands and remove that distance? How do we rekindle that spark? How do we keep love from ending in the middle of everything else going on in our lives?

Late one night a couple of years ago, I had a conversation with my dad that changed my life. He had the answer I was looking for.

I was overwhelmed, discouraged, desperate for the next step. I had read blog posts. I had looked into different books. I had talked to friends. But I didn’t have a strategy. I didn’t know how to just wake up and make my marriage better. If I had known, I would have done it.

Sitting across from me in his wingback chair with a late-night cup of coffee in his hands and with the only light coming from the lamp over his shoulder, my dad leaned in as if to tell me a secret. He looked to make sure my mom wasn’t listening and then told me what he hadn’t told another soul. His forty-year-old secret…

“Becky, just do what I do.”

He leaned a little closer and lowered his voice. “Every day I wake up, I tell myself that it’s the first day I am married to your mom.”

I sat there for a minute. What would that even look like? What would that even mean?

The first day you were married? How would I treat my husband if this was our wedding day?

I suppose on my wedding day, I didn’t bark at my husband, “Get up and come help me!” I was kind. I didn’t avoid touching him, because I was “touched out” by my little kids. I was his bride! I didn’t tune him out when he spoke because I just couldn’t handle one more story and was desperate for some mental space. I tuned in.

Could someone really live like that every day?

I decided to find out. I began to think and write down all of the ways my marriage had changed since day one. I wrote down how I had changed. And then I set out on this journey. (Yeah. It’s cheesy. I get it. But that’s what it was. A journey.)

It was a journey to go back to the beginning. Back before kids. Back before the space. All the way back to even before we got married. Back to the days of our first love. And then I decided to go there. I started down the road back to the beginning of our relationship taking notes along the way.

And I created a map for others to follow too, because I know for certain that there are other wives who want a fresh start. I am positive there are women who feel just like me and who need a plan.

So here is my plan. Sometimes, the best way forward is to go back to the beginning. This is the journey of Love Unending. It is twenty-one days to falling back in love with the person you have already chosen for life.

It is rediscovering your marriage in the midst of motherhood.

And we are going to do it together.

YOU CAN START THIS SECOND. HERE’S HOW.

Love Unending releases January 3, 2017, but you can get the FIRST FIVE DAYS  that will absolutely transform your marriage RIGHT NOW.

STEP 1: Preorder Here

STEP 2: Claim Your Preorder Gifts

Valid through January 2

Fill out the form below to claim your gifts!

*The first five chapters of Love Unending

*Becky’s Ebook – Guilt to Grace: A Mom’s Guide to Crushing Guilt

*Access to a Live Launch Day Web Event with Becky

*An invitation to be on Becky’s exclusive ground team creating to share the word about this book

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THAT’S IT! I CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR HOW THIS BOOK IMPACTS YOUR MARRIAGE!

WHICH FRIENDS ARE YOU GOING TO INVITE ON THIS JOURNEY WITH YOU?!