Jared! Jared! Something is wrong with Jaxton! I heard him make a noise like he was going to throw up, and when I went in there, he was just lying there with his eyes open. I picked him up and he keeps falling over in my arms. Jared, I can’t get him to wake up all the way. I think we need to go to the ER right now.

It was early in the morning on July 1^st two years ago, and my nearly one-year-old was suddenly non-responsive. I panicked.

It wasn’t uncommon for me to panic about our children and their health. I can detect an ear infection before they pull at their ears, and I can sense a temperature rise of half a degree with just my cheek pressed against their foreheads. I watch the health of my children closely.

But something inside of me that morning didn’t just confirm that it was okay to worry. It yelled, “Get help now!”

I remember racing the mile down the street to our local small-town hospital terrified that no one would believe that this was serious. I was afraid of being unheard. I worried that they would say he just had some stomach virus, and I needed to go home. I knew in my heart this was much much worse.

On that morning, it turned out that my instincts were correct. Jaxton had a severe case of intussusception. His intestines had telescoped… (imagine the way a tall sock rolls over on itself when you take it off). The blood was cut off. He looked like he had the stomach flu, but really… he was dying. The doctors at Children’s Hospital told us he wouldn’t have made it 24 hours.

But between the moments I pulled my son from his crib and he was rushed into emergency surgery, many old feelings resurfaced.

It wasn’t the first time I was afraid that the doctors would move too slowly and something terrible would happen. It wasn’t the first time that I felt completely helpless waiting to hear the diagnosis. It wasn’t the first time that everything felt outside of my control and all I could do was pray.

All of these feelings happened for the first time nearly ten years ago when I experienced my first miscarriage. I remember lying in living room on my couch desperately waiting for the OB/GYN to call me back with instructions on how to stop the bleeding. I remember calling their offices multiple times a day, praying they would hear my desperation and be able to do something about it. I remember feeling completely helpless as I waited to see what would unfold for my child and myself.

And when that sweet baby slipped from my body, I remember feeling like I was somehow responsible.

In the days following my son, Jaxton’s, surgery, I began to process my emotions. I realized the root of my fears. I wasn’t just afraid that the doctor’s wouldn’t be able to figure out his sickness. I wasn’t just afraid that he wouldn’t get well. I was reliving the loss of my first child, the one I wasn’t able to save.

There are many support groups now for women who have had miscarriages. We process through our grief and we encourage each other as we work toward healing. But something that often goes unaddressed is how the effects of miscarriage have this way of showing up later in our lives.

Often we don’t even realize it, but things like a loss that goes unmourned by others, or a sense of responsibility that we somehow failed someone we love, or a fear that no one will be able to help us in situations of crisis or emergency can all be traced back to those days of sudden and painful loss.

I took my daughter to the dentist last week for a possible cavity and her own anxieties prevented her from being able to complete the exam. When I got home, I told my husband that I was afraid. I couldn’t stop worrying about her tooth. But I paused, and I asked myself what I was really afraid of…

And I realized this. I wasn’t just afraid that she wouldn’t ever be brave enough to get her tooth fixed. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to help her in a way that prevented her from experiencing additional fear or emotional damage. I was afraid that some how I was responsible for the cavity. I was afraid that it was my fault and I wouldn’t be able to fix it without causing my daughter pain.

And in something as simple as a dentist appointment, that old wound exposed itself again.

But this time was different. I paused, and I thanked the Lord for showing me the areas in my heart that still need healing. I asked Him to begin the work of mending that pain. And I stepped out of from living in fear without realizing its root.

Friend, I don’t know where you are in your journey of loss. I don’t know how far your heart has come with healing. I don’t know if you’ve noticed the feelings I have mentioned here in your own life, but I do know just as the Lord continues to mend the pain, he will heal the fear. His Love will continue to work in our hearts, and it is His delight to help us recognize the places that still need to be touched by His Love.

And when we recognize our need for it, when we expose the wound, they can begin to heal.

I’m praying that the Lord would continue to heal your heart as only He can, and I’m praying that He would reveal the areas that still need to be mended, friend.

I recognize your loss, I see the pain, and I understand the fear – and not only have I been there, but the Lord is with each of us now… the same arms that hold our babies continue to hold onto us… even after all this time.

SO much love,
Becky

You can read my story of Hope After Miscarriage Here

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“I’m sorry this is so frustrating, Mom,” my seven year old son said as he hugged me.

I should have thanked him, but instead I tried to correct him.

“I’m not frustrated. I’m fine.”

But even I didn’t believe my short tense words. I wasn’t fooling anyone.

He paused and then asked, “Then what are you?”

***

The truth is… he was right. I was frustrated. I didn’t feel happy. And even though I should have been proud of his kind heart, I hated that he noticed.

I always pictured myself as this fun, happy mom who never ran out of ways to make the days spectacular with her kids.

When my kids were younger, I was better at it. I would do things like pull out rolls of wrapping paper and tape them to the kitchen floor. I’d pour out some finger paints and let my kids make art while wearing only their diapers. They’d make these huge messes. There would be paint on the wrapping paper and their hands and feet and bodies. After, I’d put them into the bath and wash them clean.

There was prep work, and clean up, and baths required, but they had so much fun and I didn’t care about the mess or the work.

I don’t know where that mom went.

She got busier, I guess. Or maybe she just got more impatient. More easily frustrated. Maybe she’s lived long enough with the mess and just tries to maintain order now. I don’t know exactly.

I know that now I weigh my decision whether or not to say yes to something against things like cleanliness, or time or effort. I say no because it would take too long to get the dried glue off of the kitchen table, or the park would take time away from the things I have to get done, or another round of Go Fish would push dinner and baths and bedtime back an extra fifteen minutes.

Where did that happy finger painting mom go? Ya know? Why is she gone so often that my kids can identify my frustrated feelings?

Do you know what I mean? Maybe you too. Maybe you feel like you’re getting everything done, but your heart or attitude aren’t what you want your kids to remember about you.

Friend, I think I know what happened to both of us.

Scripture says that the joy of the Lord is your strength, but I think we got busy trying to do it all in our own strength. We knew we needed His help. We tried to give it over to Him, but deep down we just kept doing it ourselves. We’re tired. Run down. And maybe getting most of what we need to get done accomplished…

But we’re missing that the joy of the Lord isn’t just strength… it is joy too. We’re missing the joy part

So what do we do?

I think the mistake we could make would be to go looking for joy we lost. Perhaps the biggest mistake we could make here might be adding “be happier” to our to-do lists.

The truth is, the Lord has everything we need in His presence. It’s all found in Him.

SO we could try and make our own happiness, or find our own joy, or just decide to be better… But I think we would find ourselves right where we started.

Because feeling frustrated or less happy or not so fun doesn’t mean we are bad moms. It doesn’t mean that we can’t do it all. Perhaps it means we’re doing too much on our own.

These things actually say less about what kind of moms we are… and more about the condition of our hearts.

Sister, if we’re going to be the moms we want to be, we don’t need to search for joy. We don’t need to try to be happier.

The answer is Jesus. It’s always been Jesus. It’ll always be Jesus.

And when we seek His Spirit… and set our hearts on finding Him… and recognize His Presence in our day… I think we’ll both find the joy we’ve been looking for… and we’ll realize that joy is necessary for strength.

So I’m sorry this is so frustrating, mom. I know it is at times. I know you don’t want to feel this way. I know you don’t want to be this mom.

But I know something else. Just one moment with Jesus was enough to change many people’s lives throughout history. And tonight? You might be one more person added to that list.

Deep breath. So much love.

Becky

I was standing in our kitchen after tucking all three of my kids into bed for the night when my oldest son, now seven, came out of his room. I knew the moment his brother and sister heard him out of bed they would follow.

“Perfect,” I thought.

I had just gotten them all quiet in their rooms. I had just decided to work on the dishes. I had just “finished” for the day.

He grabbed me tight around my waist and looked up at me.

“Momma? I just wanted to give you one last hug.”

I could tell that it wasn’t a trick to push bedtime back a few more minutes. It was honest. It was just a little boy who wanted one minute alone with his momma that he didn’t have to share with anyone else.

And as we stood there with his little brown eyes looking up at me, I heard this voice from deep inside my heart whisper… “You’ll wish you had hugged him longer.”

I motioned to a chair nearby, and he climbed up. Standing face to face, he wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his head in my shoulder

… and I held him until he decided to let go.

That voice has good advice if I will just stop and listen for her.

She’s not in the middle of it. She’s not overwhelmed from all of the little years, or the trying years, or the “will this ever end” years. She has the wisdom of a woman looking back, the wisdom of someone standing at the end of childhood who would do anything to do it again, play it over, and make different choices.

Ten years from now I’ll meet her in the mirror. Her children will be nearly grown, driving, and planning for college. Her boy, nearly eighteen, will be a breath away from becoming a man.

And the day she watches him drive off away from home, she’ll remember the night she watched him walk back to his room… and she’ll finally see it. She’ll wish she could go back and tell herself what to do that night. She’ll wish she could grab her younger self by the shoulders and say, “Hold on longer! None of it’s as important as they are. NONE of it.” 

So I try to listen for her words now. I try to listen for the places where ten years from now I will wish that I had made the other decision – hugged them more, played more, been more present.

And I do my very best to take her advice from this side of it… knowing I will never regret one moment that I did.

Lean close, friend. I have a feeling that I know what’s happening at your house right now… and it’s only because it’s happening at mine.

We are five days away from Valentine’s Day, and my guess is you have spent more time thinking about what your kids are going to take as gifts/treats for their class parties than you have spent securing a sitter or thinking about your own romantic gesture for your husband.

Am I right? If not, this is where we stop and slow clap for you.

*Clap….. Clap…. Clap…*

You thought I was just saying that? Nope. We don’t miss a good slow clap around here.

Truth is, for many of us, Valentine’s Day just doesn’t look like it did when we first fell in love… because most days don’t look like they did when we first fell in love. SO MUCH HAS CHANGED!

My husband and I have pictures saved on our computer from our first Valentine’s together. We had a picnic… at sunset… in a garden… with chocolate covered strawberries. I mean, come on.

Picnic.

Sunset.

Garden.

Chocolate & Strawberries.

Even if I didn’t have the whole setup, each one of those things on their own would feel special today. You’ve got memories like that. Maybe not picnics, but they’re something sweet. You probably didn’t see Valentine’s Day looking like this back then, did you? Yeah. Me either.

Now, romance looks like my husband offering to put my kids to bed so I can be alone for five minutes.

Wait. What? Wasn’t it five more minutes together in the beginning that conveyed intimacy? SO MUCH HAS CHANGED! (I said that already, didn’t I?)

Look, here’s the plan. If I hadn’t written this book about how to fall back in love in the middle of motherhood, I could write here online a step by step strategy to feeling and acting like you did when you first fell in love with your husband. A strategy that actually works. I know because I lived it… and now thousands and thousands have too.

But back to why I can’t post your strategy. I put it all in a book, and the publishing house probably wouldn’t love it if I posted it online. Actually, it would be called copyright infringement, and I would be in massive trouble.

So… here’s the thing…  I want you to have this information. YOU NEED THIS INFORMATION BECAUSE SO MUCH HAS CHANGED! You need it because of the investment and impact it will make in your marriage. (And when I say investment, don’t hear expensive. This book is less than $9 at many online sites. And that is a pretty stinkin’ cheap Valentine’s gift.)

Look. This Valentine’s Day has the potential to be the most romantic in years… YEARS… and not because your husband is going to send you away for a massage or time to yourself. This Valentine’s Day is going to be the best one since you had kids, because you’re going to do one simple challenge a day beginning today, laying the groundwork for romance on the 14^th.

Because, sister, you have no idea how much these simple things add up to serious change.

So, how do you order online and get the book now so you can go through it before Valentine’s Day and lay the groundwork for whatever romance I’m talking about over here?

Funny you should ask.

When you order at any retail site like Amazon, ChristianBooks.com, or Barnes & Noble and then you fill out the form here, you get the first five chapters for immediate download. YAY!!

So you’re covered. No more worrying about what you’re Valentine’s plans are… no more feeling guilty because you haven’t bought a card yet (This isn’t about overachievers right now)… and no more looking around going, “It’s just another day. Why celebrate?”

This year, you get your romance back. This year, you remember what it was like in the beginning. This year you start something that won’t deflate like a balloon, or melt like a chocolate, or get tucked into a file/pile like a card. You rediscover your marriage in the midst of motherhood… and you fall back in love with the guy you’ve already chosen for life.
Okay, go grab your copy, then click here to claim your chapters…  Ready?

Recently, the internet feels like a really big crowded room where everyone is shouting. “This is what I think!” “You’re wrong!” “How can you think that way?!” “What are we going to do?!” “What are you so worried about?!” “How are you not worried?! This is a disaster!”

Social media used to feel like a high school reunion where we all showed up well-dressed, trying to present our best selves, listing our accomplishments, passing around photos of our ridiculously adorable children, and making sure our lives looked fantastic.

It has felt more like a family reunion gone wrong in the last few weeks. All of the pleasantries have been thrown out the window. Filters are gone, everyone is talking at once, and no one is really listening anymore. As a matter of fact, everyone is just ready to go home and not speak again for six months… or ever again.

There’s no doubt that the issues being discussed are important. They’re very important. It’s why we’re so passionate about them. Refugees, women’s rights, abortion, religious profiling, giant walls, executive orders… these aren’t small issues. They’re important.

But do you know what they’re talking about in my tiny town right now? There’s a sign on Main Street that says there will be a men’s pancake dinner on Groundhog Day with admission by donation. That’s the big news here. That’s what made the sign.

When I’m online, the world is ending and there are scary things happening, and everyone is upset and angry and ready to fight for justice. And when I’m driving down Main Street? Pancakes.

Does that mean all of those directly impacted by the bigger issues don’t matter? No. Does that mean we are ignoring the bigger issues in our tiny town? No. Absolutely not.

But that regular old sign reveals a powerful truth. It shows that in the middle of everything else happening – there are still communities living life alongside each other.

I think we forget that online sometimes. We forget the power of remembering community… and I don’t mean online community.

Lean in close, friend. There’s something we need address if we’re going to keep arguing and choosing sides online. Ready?

While the internet is wonderful for sharing information far and wide, we have to remember that minds aren’t often changed by an argument in a comment section. I don’t know anyone that has said, “Wow, random acquaintance on Facebook. I’m so glad you said this. I will now change my 35 years of thinking because of your 40 word comment.” Ya know? I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. I’m just saying… It’s probably not the norm.

Our hearts are more likely understood in face to face conversations with people we know. And if we believe passionately about all of those big issues, we might need to remember the importance of those face to face interactions. We might need to use the power of our authentic relationships where we can take the time to discuss the deeper issues and work together to hear each other out.

So, Becky, are you saying we should stop posting about all of these major issues online? Is that what you’re saying?  Because I think these things deserve attention, and if we don’t talk about them, it’s like we’re ignoring them. I cannot be a part of the silence.

I’m not asking you to. I’m not saying we need to stop talking online about what’s going on. What I am saying is that we need to remember there will always be a difference between online community and the community outside our front door.

Look, I know how I feel… and maybe how you feel this way too. I know that you’re probably mad and sad. I know you feel small in the middle of huge issues. I know you wonder how we’re all going to get on the same page… and I know you might have felt a little bit like, “I’m going to just log off and come back when everyone hasn’t lost their ever-lovin’ minds.” I get it. Really. I think many of us feel that way right now.

But what are we going to do about it? How are we going to start to hear each other? How are we going to make any progress in the middle of all of this noise online?

We’re going to go eat pancakes. (Well… I’m not but the men in my town are.) So… figuratively we’re all going to go eat pancakes.

We’re going to deepen relationships within our communities, neighborhoods, and families, realizing that these are the places where change takes places. These are the places where we are known and heard and understood. These are the places where we are more likely to come together and bring change.

It’s a simple concept. More pancakes. Less internet politics. More face to face interactions. Less online noise. But it might just be crazy enough to change the world.

I don’t know what it is about that mirror, but she’s always sassier when she stands in front of it. She gets this new sort of confidence.

I have to admit though… there is something about it. Because a few nights ago, I found myself sitting in front of that mirror waiting for my daughter to fall asleep when something crazy happened to me.

It was one of those nights when my daughter was, “ABSOLUTELY NOT TIRED. SHE WAS NOT GOING TO SLEEP. SHE WAS GOING TO GET UP AND PLAY!”

And so I prayed silently, “Lord. Show me what to do. Help me teach her. Help me correct quickly so we can all go to sleep with peace in our hearts.” Okay, that’s the internet version of the prayer. It’s what I meant, but I think I just said, “HELP!” (Praise the Lord that’s always a good enough prayer for the Lord to answer.)

And then… He showed me what to do. He spoke to my heart, and He showed me exactly how to help her calm down, apologize, and make the right decisions.

I had asked Him for help, and He helped.

He answered me, and I listened and did what He said.

This was its own miracle. Praise the Lord for a God who continues to speak to our hearts and lead us!

But then, something else happened. As I sat on the floor of my daughter’s bedroom waiting to make sure she was actually asleep, I looked at myself in that giant mirror in her bedroom and right out loud – Er, in a whisper so as not to wake anyone – I said, “I’m a D@#$ good mom.”

(I’ll leave that for you to fill in as you please – dang, dadgum, darn or… well, the word I might have actually said.)

But sitting there that night with the only light coming from the little pink lamp on my daughter’s dresser, I looked at my tired reflection. I looked exhausted. I looked like I could use a nap… or a hotel room to myself for a weekend. I had literally given all that I had to give – just like every other day.

But when I looked at myself that night, I didn’t see what I usually see at the end of the day. I didn’t pause to worry if I did good enough as I do most days. I didn’t replay all of my less than perfect moments. I didn’t melt into the usual puddle of mom guilt.

I looked in that mirror, and I think I saw what my daughter sees when she looks at herself.

I saw the truth.

I had made hard decisions. I had weighed options and chosen what I thought was best. I had breathed through two year old meltdowns, and seven year old and five year old sibling fights. I had corrected behavior and cheered good behavior.

I had thought about all three of my kids’ emotional, physical, spiritual and mental health, and I had done everything I could to help them grow, learn, develop and become.

I had prayed, and I had listened, and I did it. I did everything that needed to be done even if my “to do” list wasn’t all checked off. I have given it my all.

And that night, when I looked in the mirror, that’s what I saw. I saw how much I had given out, and suddenly that tired frame sitting on the floor of her daughter’s room, poured out like a sacrifice, wasn’t just a mom. She wasn’t even just a good mom. She was a D@#$ good mom.

Because every day she wakes up and tries her very hardest, often putting the needs of her children above her own.

Because every moment that she worries if she messed up is actually PROOF of how much she cares to succeed.

Because the measure of her worth as a woman and a mother doesn’t depend on how good she is or how good her kids are that day, but on how much she recognizes her need (and her children’s need) for a Savior to lead them both.

And if I’m a d@#$ good mom, then you are too.

Look, we spend too much time listening to the lies that point out how much we fail.

When my five year old looks at herself in the mirror, she doesn’t shrink back. She doesn’t point out her flaws or her fears or her insecurities. No one has taught her those terrible lies.

She doesn’t pick or scrutinize or get caught up in what’s wrong.

She puts her hands on her hips and SEES herself.

I know you’re probably exhausted most of the time from how hard you try. I know you give every bit to make sure everyone else is doing okay.

So I’d like to invite you to stand next to me for a moment and share a little glance into this mirror with me and see what I see.

I’d like to hold up this Truth so you can look at it and you can SEE what really is. You aren’t just an okay mom. You aren’t just a “I’ll do better tomorrow praise the Lord for new mercies in the morning” mom. You aren’t even just a good mom.

You are a D@#$ good mom… every blessed day.

And that includes this one. Say it out loud before you pass this on to every other dang good mom you know.

It feels pretty good… especially when you decide to believe it.

(If you still don’t believe me, you can check out my ebook Guilt to Grace: A Mom’s Guide to Crushing Guilt.)

Tell me if this sounds familiar.

You had a baby. Maybe a year ago, maybe a few years ago… maybe many years ago. And when “we” became “three,” something changed.

Okay, a lot changed.

Look, I don’t know the circumstances at your house, but I know baby likely meant you didn’t get to connect the way you did before baby.

Tired, stressed, deeply in love with these new roles and responsibilities (or maybe deep down not so in love), you worked to find a new normal. You figured it out the best you could. You tried so hard. And you told yourself, “Someday, when things aren’t so hectic and I’m not so focused on this baby, we’ll get back to us again. We’ll remember we pre three.”

And maybe you did! Or maybe you didn’t. Maybe you even had another baby. And then maybe when you were doing your best, your very stinkin’ best to be a good mom… or an okayish mom… you just needed your marriage to sort of figure it out on its own for five minutes. You needed everything else to be okay while you were busy taking care of the kids.

And then maybe one day you looked over at your husband and wondered, “Where did all of this space come from, and how on earth do we get back to the way things were?”

Eventually. That might have been what you told yourself. Eventually we’ll get time to connect like we did in the beginning. Eventually.

But two lines traveling side by side pointed even slightly away from each other will only get farther apart as time goes on. Draw it out if you don’t believe me.

Eventually is a dangerous word. It comes with space.

So, my challenge for you in 2017 is to replace eventually with today, right now, in the middle of everything else.

I have a plan. A strategy. An actual, practical, you can do it, 21 day guide that really works. As a matter of fact, I fully believe if you complete just the first five days, you’ll see a change in your own heart and consequently in your marriage.

So, what do you think? Are you in? And what other moms do you want to walk this journey with you? After all, hope is best when shared! Click here to order your copy and rediscover your marriage in the midst of motherhood!

Friends! To celebrate the release of Love Unending: Rediscovering Your Marriage in the Midst of Motherhood, my publishing house is giving away the Ultimate Date Night! When we were dreaming up what we wanted to give you, I said, “Let’s send them on a date!” And then we wondered, “What would your ideal date night look like?! Would it be two tickets to a basketball game with a concession stand dinner? Would it be a fancy dinner and a movie with a rented limousine for the night? Would it be an overnight stay away from home?”

We wanted to cover it all! A new outfit, money for movie tickets, dinner, dessert… and money for a babysitter too! So, we are giving away a $250 Visa Giftcard for you and your husband to remember your we pre three!

Here’s how to enter!

1.) Take a photo with a copy of Love Unending, and post it to your Facebook, Instagram or Twitter Newsfeed.

2.) Use the entry form below to tell me where you shared your photo.
Example: If you shared it to Facebook, type the word “Facebook.”

To claim prize, the winner will need to produce a screenshot or similar proof of the photo posted to social media between 07:00 PM (ET) on January 3, 2017 and 12:00 AM (ET) on January 13, 2017. (Original post stated January 10th. This post has been updated to reflect the official terms of this giveaway found here.)

There are two additional opportunities to earn entries as well! Winner will be selected in a random drawing on or about January 13, 2017 from all eligible entries received by the entry deadline.

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