I read an article a few days ago called, “How to Put a Toddler to Bed in 100 Easy Steps.” I laughed so hard that I cried. It got me thinking about all of the other things that were so simple to accomplish before I had two littles (plus another coming in September.) Things like leaving the house… were so… easy. Pick up keys, open door, leave the house.
And now, well… it takes a little more planning. So, here is my new “simple” list.
How to Leave the House with a Toddler in 100 Easy Steps
1.) Determine travel time to destination.
2.) Add 45 minutes.
3.) Give yourself a pep talk/pray.
4.) Prepare snacks.
5.) Prepare drinks with secure lids.
6.) Locate everything necessary to take a 5 day vacation. Cram into one bag.
7.) Consider the weather and day’s activities.
8.) Select appropriate outfits for your toddler(s).
9.) Present outfit choices to child.
10.) Listen as child disapproves outfit.
11.) Wait for child to finish rolling/wallowing/sulking.
12.) Explain that favorite shirt still has yesterday’s dinner on it.
13.) Promise child that favorite shirt will be ready to wear tomorrow.
14.) Explain that tomorrow is not today.
15.) Attempt to put the horrible outfit on child.
16.) Avoid getting kicked.
17.) Beg/Petition/Bargain with child to put clothing on their body.
18.) Come to an agreement.
19.) Make note to buy stickers.
20.) Watch as child attempts to “do it themselves.”
21.) Attempt to help child.
22.) Avoid getting kicked.
23.) Explain that child’s head will in fact not go into the arm hole of the shirt.
24.) Wait for child to finish rolling/wallowing/flailing with shirt stuck on their head.
25.) Help child put their head through the head hole.
26.) Put remaining clothing on child.
27.) Select an entire second outfit for the day to bring along.
28.) Throw in a bonus pair of underwear.
29.) Repeat steps 8-28 for each child in the home.
30.) Consider the weather, and locate appropriate shoes for toddler(s).
31.) Search for match to selected shoe.
32.) Look in close proximity to first shoe.
33.) Look in child’s bedroom.
34.) Look in your bedroom.
35.) Find matching shoe in toy box.
36.) Repeat steps 30-35 for each child in the home.
37.) Present children with selected shoes.
38.) Explain why we must always wear shoes.
39.) Explain that we cannot wear our ballet shoes in the rain/sandals in the snow/last year’s boots that simply do not fit anymore.
40.) Reason with child as to why the selected shoes are in fact the necessary shoes for the day.
41.) Wait for screaming/begging/petitioning to end.
42.) Attempt to put the most reasonable shoes on child.
43.) Avoid getting kicked.
44.) Beg/Petition/Bargain with child to put shoes on their feet.
45.) Come to an agreement.
46.) Make note to buy candy.
47.) Watch as toddler attempts to put on shoes without first un-zipping/velcroing/tying.
48.) Attempt to help child put shoes on their feet.
49.) Avoid getting kicked.
50.) Calm child.
51.) Beg/Petition/Bargain with child to accept help.
52.) Put shoes on child.
53.) Repeat steps 37-52 for each child in the home.
54.) Turn off Disney Jr.
55.) Announce that it is time to leave the house.
56.) Wait for screaming/begging/petitioning for five more minutes to end.
57.) Watch as toddler gathers each toy that has been touched that day.
58.) Explain that we cannot bring them all in the car.
59.) Wait for screaming/begging/petitioning to end.
60.) Present child with option of bringing one toy.
61.) Wait for screaming/begging/petitioning to end.
62.) Present child with option of bringing two toys.
63.) Watch at toddler painfully removes one toy from the pile.
64.) Accept progress.
65.) Repeat steps 57-64 for each child in the home.
66.) Announce that we must each go potty before leaving the house.
67.) Explain that it is so much better to go potty at home than at the store.
68.) Concede that, “Yes, there WILL be a potty at the store, but it will be better to go at home.”
69.) Watch child move slowly towards the bathroom.
70.) Help child onto stool.
71.) Agree to leave.
72.) Wait a minute and check on child.
73.) Find that child has completely undresses his/herself.
74.) Child still cannot go potty.
75.) Help child off of potty.
76.) Determine that clothing was somehow soiled despite child not being able to potty.
77.) Help child wash hands.
78.) Select another wrong outfit for child. Avoid mentioning favorite shirt.
79.) Repeat steps… well, all of them.
80.) Move towards the door.
81.) Attempt to locate cell-phone/purse/keys.
82.) Look on the kitchen counter, bedroom dresser, entry table…
83.) Locate purse and keys on front seat of car.
84.) Locate cell phone in couch cushions.
85.) Announce again that it is time to leave.
86.) Carry 50 lb bag of essentials while managing to hold onto child(ren) and toys.
87.) Load everything/everyone into vehicle.
88.) Beg/plead/petition child to get into carseat/torture device.
89.) Wait for flailing/wallowing/sulking to end.
90.) Come to an agreement.
91.) Make note to buy suckers.
92.) Wait as child attempts to buckle carseat by themselves.
93.) Offer help.
94.) Wait as child continues to struggle.
95.) Buckle child just in time for them to announce that they really “have to go.”
96.) Unbuckle child(ren) & take child(ren) back into the house to potty.
97.) Wait for child to finish.
98.) Wipe/flush/wash.
99.) Return everyone to vehicle and remember 10 things you forgot inside.
100.) Leave them & drive away.
After all, you’re only going to the grocery store…
