Hi. I’m Becky, and before I had kids, I was…
Well, I will just be honest. I was kind of awesome. We would have been friends.
I was funny. Like – “Man, she’s funny!” funny. Maybe I wasn’t that funny – but at least I had time to laugh. I was very outgoing. There really wasn’t anyone that I found too intimidating to approach, and I LOOOVED meeting new people. I often offered advice to strangers considering their options while shopping. “Hi! I’d go with the green one!” …Wait? Who are you?
I was light-hearted. It took work to make me feel discouraged. I could have carried a sign that said, “Hey! It’s going to be okay! Let’s be friends!” And angry? Who has time to be angry or upset?! Life is too good to spend time fussing about how bad things are. On top of all of this, I was confident. I was sure. I was unstoppable.
(I was also 21.)
I don’t know how, but motherhood changes us. Well, it changed me. There are moments when I get a few seconds to myself, and I remember Becky. I remember who I was before I was Mommy, and I realize that there are days when I feel like a (much less awesome) shadow of who I used to be.
Mommy doesn’t seem to have enough time to be funny. Mommy is too busy keeping things moving and keeping people alive, fed, clothed and clean to be silly. Mommy doesn’t get to chat with strangers in the store unless it is to ask a manager to bring a mop to the spaghetti sauce isle.
And Light-hearted? Confident? Sure? I vaguely remember feeling that way… but when it comes to being Mommy, those are not the first adjectives I would use to describe myself. Mommy spends way too much time being frustrated that no one is listening, worried that I’m getting it all wrong, and feeling guilty for the things that I have or haven’t been able to do that day.
I don’t think Becky would have ever hollered at someone for not listening. I don’t think Becky would have ever wanted to hide in the bathroom. I could be wrong, but I don’t think Becky ever had a reason to count to three to make people do what she asked.
There are days when I wish my kids could have known Becky.
I wish they could see a young carefree version of their Mom. I wish they could have known me when I was light-hearted and confident. I wish they could have met the girl with the continual optimism and self-assuredness who had time to be funny and goofy.
And maybe motherhood does change us, but perhaps that is because we are all growing together. Maybe the person my children have for a Mommy is being refined into just what they need.
Because the more I consider what my children knew about who I used to be, the more I realize that this pales in comparison to the importance of who they see me become.
They might have a Mommy who is less sure of herself, but they also have a Mommy who demonstrates what it means to trust God.
They might have a Mommy who isn’t always silly, but they do have a Mommy who is secure in God’s love for them and for herself.
They might have a Mommy who gets frustrated, but they also have a Mommy who is seasoned with God’s grace and forgiveness.
So, while Becky was pretty awesome, I think Mommy might turn out to be so much better. Not because of the list of things that make me who I am… But because of the people who do.
