I guess I just didn’t understand how someone could never be alone and yet still feel so… lonely.
I remember the day that I quit my job. It was in the back of my heart, but I wasn’t quite sure that that I would go through with it. When my son was born, there was no doubt in my mind. I just wasn’t going to be able to leave him… Ever.
I brought my new baby in to see the rest of my coworkers and Daddy who happened to work at the same University. I showed him off in his little orange and blue puppy dog onesie – my sweet boy.
Honestly, I remember more about what my son wore and how precious everyone said he was than the actual conversation I had with my boss. I think he saw it coming before I did.
So, I went home, and I stayed at home.
I was still at home 9 months later when I found out that I was expecting again.
I was still at home 4 years later when I found out that I was expecting our third.
I am still at home today.
I know that this isn’t a choice that fits all families. I know that this isn’t an option for many. I have been given one of life’s greatest blessings – to be constantly present in the lives of my children from the moment they were born.
But what I didn’t understand 4 years ago when I decided to go home, was how lonely the life of a stay at home momma can be.
No one tells you that part.
As a matter of fact, most people don’t ever talk about it.
But some days, are just lonely.
It was especially difficult in the beginning. I had two babies under the age of 18 months. I was constantly busy giving them my full attention with absolutely no break. Neither of my children could have a conversation with me. I didn’t have time to talk on the phone except shortly. Play dates were more stress and struggle than they seemed to be worth, and at the end of the day, I had no energy to see friends (who seemed more like a nice idea than a reality.)
As my children got older, friends became more of a parenting support system. I would get together with girl friends, and we would talk about our children. We would talk about our struggles and our triumphs. We would encourage one another, and then, we would go back home.
Yes, I had been around other people, but it didn’t feel like anyone really saw “me.”
As a matter of fact, “me” seemed more like a nice idea than someone I really knew anymore… and that… That is where the loneliness lived.
I was just the mommy pushing the grocery cart. I was just the mommy driving the van. I was just the mommy carrying the sweet little baby or holding the toddler’s hand. No one paid me much attention except to ask about my kids. I gave all of my attention to my children, and it seemed like everyone else did too.
I felt guilty about feeling so alone when I got to spend all day with the sweetest children in the world. I felt guilty for just not wanting to be in charge for a minute… to have someone call me “Becky” instead of “Mommy.” I felt guilty for feeling sad when there are so many mommas out there who would love to spend all day with their babies.
But the truth is, I don’t think I’m the only one who feels this way.
I know I don’t speak for all, but I think if I sat down a room full of stay at home mommas the majority would say, “There are days when I just feel lonely.”
Sometimes, knowing that we aren’t the only one that feels this way can bring a little hope.
So, to the tired momma who might not hear this often,
You’re not alone. It’s okay to not be okay some days. It is okay to say that you miss friendship. It’s okay to say that there are some days you don’t love your job. It’s okay to say that you’re not always happy.
It doesn’t make you a bad momma. It doesn’t make you any less. You’re going to be okay, because even on the days when you feel the loneliest… the Lord never leaves your side.
His eyes never leave you. His presence never leaves you. His love never leaves you.
He sees you – not just the mommy, but His daughter. He sees the hours of endless love you pour out. He sees the weeks of sleepless nights. He knows the worries. He knows the fears. He hears your heart, and He loves you still.
And my prayer for you, sweet friend, is that you would feel His love surround you. I pray that you would experience hope overtake you. Where you might have run dry, I pray that He would fill your heart with peace. I pray that you would never doubt the continual love of your Heavenly Father, who sees and knows and cherishes you just as you are.
It is okay to feel lonely some days. But the truth is, even on our loneliest days, the Lord never leaves our side…
