I have known that you were missing for a while now. I would look around the table at dinner and even though the chairs were all full, my heart would whisper, “Someone isn’t here yet.”
When people would ask if we were done having kids after your brother and sister were born, I would stop and think.
I would think about how tired I was. I would think about how there were toys strewn across the house. I would think about how much I miss spending time with Daddy. I would think maybe our house isn’t big enough, or maybe it would be difficult to adjust to having a third baby, but none of that mattered. Because every time I was asked, I would answer, “No. We’re not done yet. There is still someone missing.”
When we told everyone that you were coming, they were so excited. But they were also so scared. You have a brother and a sister waiting to meet you here with us, but there are two more who are waiting to meet all of us in Heaven someday.
We think of them often, and we miss them like crazy.
But even though there were times in the beginning when I was scared too… the fear of losing you and having to wait to meet you in Heaven didn’t outweigh the longing of my heart to get to hold you on this earth.
And so, even when it was suggested that it was too dangerous to have another baby, and even when some questioned why we would go through the possible pain again…
We prayed. And God sent you to us.
He has formed you inside of me for the last 7 months. He has helped me take care of you as He carefully shaped each tiny part of you. He has protected you. And with each day that passes, I get that much closer to holding you in my arms and seeing your sweet face.
Oh, little boy, I have thought about your face for a long time – before I even knew you were on your way, I imagined you. I have seen your sweet profile through the wonder of ultrasounds, but sweet boy, the clearest image that I have of you is in my heart.
Because I haven’t just imagined your nose and your eyes or the curve of your chin, I have imagined a lifetime for you, my son. I have dreamt and prayed and asked God to make you great. Not for your own sake, but for His. I have asked God to give you the desire to serve Him, the love of His Son, and a love for everyone you will meet – so that through all of this many will come to know Him as the One True King.
This world will be a better place with you in it, because you have a purpose, little one. You have a destiny that only you can fulfill.
And that is why long before you came into this world, God placed the desire to meet you in my heart.
He has called you. He knows your future, because He already stands there waiting.
And so we will trust Him. We will hold onto the hope that is in the Lord, together. Because we know that He is only good, and love is His only motivation.
Keep growing, little one. Keep getting stronger. Because as much as I cannot wait to meet you, I will do everything in my power to keep you from coming a day too soon. And until then, I will look for you in my dreams.
Just a few weeks left, my love… and then a lifetime more.
You are already so loved.
Mommy
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