“Mommy….”
“Just a second baby.”
“Mommy…”
“Hang on… mommy is almost done.”
“Mommy, do you have a pocket?”
“What?” I barely look up from my phone to see what trinket my tiny 2 year old wants me to store for her.
“Do you have a pocket, mommy?”
“Yes, baby. I have a pocket. What do you want me to hold?”
I scroll through my email hurriedly knowing I can make a quick reply before taking her out to play on the swings…
“Put your phone in your pocket, mommy. Will you please put your phone in your pocket?”
She has my attention.
I click the lock button and slide it into my pocket as my heart drops into my stomach.
“Sure, baby girl. I will put it away.”
And as I sit on the floor of her bright pink bedroom, I let the realization of what I have done wash over me. I have traded time on my phone for memories.
Worst of all… I have taught my sweet girl that she must ask for her momma’s attention. I have shown her with distracted answers and preoccupied play that she must be prioritized. Despite all of my best intentions to teach her about worth and how valuable she is… I have demonstrated just the opposite. I have taught my baby girl that she must contest to be seen and heard.
“Which princess do you want, mommy?”
“Hmmm… let me play with Belle.”
“Here you go. You can be Belle.”
“Thank you. I sure love your beautiful dress, Ariel.”
“I sure love your beautiful dress, Belle.”
I know all of the lines. I know all of the expected responses of playing the role of Belle – just like I know all of the lines of playing the character of mommy. “Look, Mom!” my son shouts, and I tell him how cool and wonderful I think his latest Lego creation is without ever turning to see…
There are some days that are more like this than others. Days when I am always “just one more second,” away from actually sitting and playing or looking or celebrating or enjoying their quickly passing childhoods. Not too long ago I said “just one second… hang on… just a minute…” until I laid my daughter down to sleep in her bed for the night. And as I stood there and watched her sleep peacefully, I realized I was out….
My seconds were all gone.
I had spent them on a million things that didn’t matter.
How did I become this mom?
The same mom that I shook my head at last week at Chick-fil-a… The mom whose daughter continued to beg for her attention from across the booth while she ignored her and browsed facebook. I was so quick to judge.
I am reminded again of my need for grace!
I am reminded yet again that I am no different from the woman in the restaurant. Because we all need grace in our lives, and yet we are hoarders of it. We have more than enough for ourselves… and none to pass out to others.
“I love playing princess with you, sissy.”
And she squeezes my neck, pulls me back, and stares right into my eyes. “I wuv YOU, mommy.”
Because that is all she wants. Me. It isn’t the playing that she loves. She loves me.. her mommy… and all she wants is my attention. My full attention. Not my attention in just a minute or three minutes or an hour and a half from now when I get done with whatever else is so important…. She wants to know that I see her. So she looks me square in the eyes and tells me…
“I just wuv you so much.”
How many moments like these have I missed because of something that was less important? How many moments will she remember looking up at me hoping to find my eyes lit with pride and instead see my face lit with the screen of my phone? The seconds will pass no matter how I decide to use them. But someday, I will look around and realize that I have spent them all. Not just the ones I was given for the day.
All of them.
So, Lord, my prayer today is one of repentance. I ask for your assistance just like my sweet babies ask for mine. I thank you for the sweet little lives that you have given me. I thank you that you that you picked ME to be their momma. Help me to be more like You. Help me to stop choosing all of the other things that will make no difference at the end of the day. I thank you that you are a God who loves us. You love us unconditionally, and are eager to not only teach us, but rush to our aid. I thank you for helping me realize the importance of the time I have been given. Now, I ask that you would bless me with the assurance that I am doing okay. I ask that you would remind me of your grace for me so that I might be more eager to pass it out to others. That I might be confident that my children know they are loved, and reminded that today is a great day to start over…
It is in Jesus’ name I ask these things.
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