Back when my husband and I were first dating, and the world still had a rose-colored tint, I remember walking into the mall with him one day. We were hand in hand as we passed another couple having a very heated disagreement. I looked up at my (then boyfriend) and said, “Do you think we will ever fight?” Yes. Yes, those words actually came out of my mouth.
Since waking up from my love coma, I have learned that we would not only disagree, but there would rarely be a time when we would easily agree about anything.
When children were added to our family, this just intensified. So, I’m going to be honest for a second, because that is kind of what I do best. I try to point out truths from my relationship with my husband and my short time as a mother that I think will help other young families. And this… well, this is important stuff.
As always, I’m preaching to myself… Here are some ground rules for disagreeing with your spouse. We can call this the young parents edition.
Rule #1.) Remember that you are a team. Always. There are no sides, imaginary lines or final death rounds. In order to prove your point, you don’t have to defeat your spouse. Winning looks like reaching a mutual agreement – not trampling over your opponent. You must always remember that you are working towards the same goal – creating a healthy and happy home for your family. Keep these words close to your heart when you can recognize that you and your spouse have two different opinions.
Rule #2.) Give yourself permission to not be perfect. You must allow your spouse the opportunity to recommend change without taking offense. Again – they are not attempting to defeat you. As you work together to build up one another, you will become stronger as a team. Welcome kind correction. You are not perfect.
Rule #3.) Give your spouse permission to not be perfect. You did not marry Jesus. Your husband or wife might love Jesus a lot, but they are flawed and will no doubt make mistakes. Good news. So will you. Offer your spouse the same grace that you extend to yourself. If you do not offer yourself much grace, see rule number 2…
Rule #4.) Respect each other always. This rule must never be broken in front of the children. If they believe that it is okay for you to disrespect each other, they will learn that it is okay to disrespect both of you and others in authority. Show your children that you are a team by honoring one another even in the middle of a disagreement. No name calling, bullying, or harsh remarks.
Rule #5.) Never (under any circumstances) speak down to one another in front of the children. Honoring your husband’s role as father is more important than proving your point. Hold these words sacred. Husbands, the same is true for your wife. Do not compromise how your children view your wife for the sake of “winning” your argument. If you tear down one another, then you both lose. Remember, you can only win when acting as a team.
Rule #6.) As often as possible, wait until little ones are not around before talking through your issues. While it is healthy for children to see their parents compromise and come to a healthy agreement, often, little ears pick up on tension and unspoken stress. Until the rest of the rules can be mastered, it is safest to wait until little ears are not listening before beginning a potentially heated discussion.
Rule #7.) Do not ever bring your children into the disagreement. When fighting for peace in your family, it is dangerous to include little hearts in conversations where they do not belong. Children are not a game piece that can be used to take down the other team. Say it one last time, “We are a team. When I tear down my spouse, we both lose.” …. Further, when you bring your children into the disagreement, everyone loses.
Rule #8.) Finally, remember the permanence of your words. You may be able to clarify your words, add to them, and explain them… but you will never be able to unsay them. The words that you say to your spouse today will become the foundation that you stand on when communicating tomorrow. Choose each word wisely.
Building healthy communication is critical for the overall well-being of a family. It just might be useful to share this with your spouse, go over the rules together, and try to apply them in every future disagreement. Are there any rules that you would add?
