How My Dad’s 40 Year Old Secret Saved My Marriage

Space. You can feel it. That space in between you and your husband… You’re not quite sure where it came from, but you know it’s there. And some days it seems like it is growing.

Things used to be different. Before kids became a part of your story, things were so very different. There was time. There was energy. There was extra life and love left over at the end of the day.

But today, he comes home from work, or you get home from work, and you’re too preoccupied with homework or highchair feedings that you don’t even turn to greet one another. You might shout it over your shoulder, but the longing that you once felt to engage with his heart may have been replaced with the longing for help.

You can tell he’s frustrated. You are too. You feel like neither one of you are really seeing or hearing each other anymore… at least… not like you used to.

You fight sometimes. About plenty of things. You’re normal. You know that plenty of couples fight, but there seem to be some topics that aren’t ever fully resolved. It’s as if there’s this unsettled list of rights and wrongs. You get past it… but maybe never fully past it. It’s preventing deep connection. It’s adding to the space.

“If only he would”… you say to yourself.

And you know your husband feels the same way about you. You know there are things he wishes you would do too.

So what, then?

What do we do with all of that space?

When you’re so busy with your role as mom that you cannot even begin to think about how to be an okay(ish) wife… how do you get rid of all of that space?

I used to wish that someone had told me sooner. Before kids, even. Like a warning.

“Someday, your words will get shorter. Your heart will feel spread-thin. The spark will fade. And hope will seem all but lost some nights. But there’s a way to prevent that from happening. There’s a way to stay close.”

Maybe we wouldn’t be here now if they had warned us to cling to one another in the beginning.

But what do we do now that we are here? How do we turn back toward our husbands and remove that distance? How do we rekindle that spark? How do we keep love from ending in the middle of everything else going on in our lives?

Late one night a couple of years ago, I had a conversation with my dad that changed my life. He had the answer I was looking for.

I was overwhelmed, discouraged, desperate for the next step. I had read blog posts. I had looked into different books. I had talked to friends. But I didn’t have a strategy. I didn’t know how to just wake up and make my marriage better. If I had known, I would have done it.

Sitting across from me in his wingback chair with a late-night cup of coffee in his hands and with the only light coming from the lamp over his shoulder, my dad leaned in as if to tell me a secret. He looked to make sure my mom wasn’t listening and then told me what he hadn’t told another soul. His forty-year-old secret…

“Becky, just do what I do.”

He leaned a little closer and lowered his voice. “Every day I wake up, I tell myself that it’s the first day I am married to your mom.”

I sat there for a minute. What would that even look like? What would that even mean?

The first day you were married? How would I treat my husband if this was our wedding day?

I suppose on my wedding day, I didn’t bark at my husband, “Get up and come help me!” I was kind. I didn’t avoid touching him, because I was “touched out” by my little kids. I was his bride! I didn’t tune him out when he spoke because I just couldn’t handle one more story and was desperate for some mental space. I tuned in.

Could someone really live like that every day?

I decided to find out. I began to think and write down all of the ways my marriage had changed since day one. I wrote down how I had changed. And then I set out on this journey. (Yeah. It’s cheesy. I get it. But that’s what it was. A journey.)

It was a journey to go back to the beginning. Back before kids. Back before the space. All the way back to even before we got married. Back to the days of our first love. And then I decided to go there. I started down the road back to the beginning of our relationship taking notes along the way.

And I created a map for others to follow too, because I know for certain that there are other wives who want a fresh start. I am positive there are women who feel just like me and who need a plan.

So here is my plan. Sometimes, the best way forward is to go back to the beginning. This is the journey of Love Unending. It is twenty-one days to falling back in love with the person you have already chosen for life.

It is rediscovering your marriage in the midst of motherhood.

And we are going to do it together.

YOU CAN START THIS SECOND. HERE’S HOW.

Love Unending releases January 3, 2017, but you can get the FIRST FIVE DAYS that will absolutely transform your marriage RIGHT NOW.