A few months ago, I tackled the idea of women and their constant competition with one another. We love to make sure that we are doing okay by comparing ourselves and our abilities to others. We do the silent smile and size up while making hasty judgments of women we don’t know anything about.
Since writing this post, I have discovered that there is something more dangerous, hazardous and even more toxic than our competition with one another, and most of us deal with it every day.
I read a blog bio of a famous New York Times Best-selling author today. In it, she appeared well accomplished and relatable. Her words had the love of Jesus infused into them, and even her biography was encouraging. Above all, she was witty. As I read through her page and some of her posts, I found myself saying, “She has done it. This is what a godly woman is supposed to be like.
They are not supposed to fight with their husbands or lose their cool. Not even when their husbands buy expensive deer feeders. They aren’t supposed to get angry, or fussy, or show any lack of love. Godly wives are supposed to rise early, make meals, tend the home and be light hearted and joyful even when their bodies are exhausted. Godly wives are basically just supposed to be awesome. I wish I was awesome.”
And then it hit me. I was suddenly aware of my bad case of the “supposed tos.”
You know… Good mommas are supposed to ______. Godly wives are supposed to _______. Faithful friends are always supposed to _______.
We each have our own lists. They are our own mental criteria of what we believe makes a successful woman of God. They are self-written guidelines, and they are very dangerous.
In reality, sometimes Jesus-loving, God-fearing women get angry. They lose their cool. They say things they don’t mean. They aren’t patient with their kids. They get it wrong. They stomp around, and steal the covers and purposefully don’t hang up the towel so their husband has to get out of the shower cold and wet and find his own. It’s real. It’s life. It’s honest.
But in those moments when I find that I am not acting the way I think a godly woman is supposed to, my enemy whispers that I am not who I say I am or who I want to be. My enemy loves to point out my failures. It’s funny. Sometimes his voice sounds an awful like my own.
I have a hearty list of “supposed tos” for almost every area of my life: Wife, Mother, Daughter, Friend, Writer, Hostess, House Keeper and the list goes on. But each set, each measure, each self-written expectation is toxic to my soul.
This is what is even more dangerous than our competition with each other. Our competition with ourselves for who we are and who we think we are supposed to be will always keep us from feeling like we are enough.
I continue to jump to meet standards that I have set for myself, and then feel even worse when I cannot reach them. The truth is, the more I focus on the way I think I am supposed to act, the less time I spend recognizing all of the things I do well and right and wonderful.
God has so much more for us.
Even godly women are trapped in sometimes whiney, often fussy flesh suits. As a result, there will always be a contradiction between how we want to act and how we find ourselves behaving. The most dangerous thing we can do is live in constant critique of ourselves.
The good news is that God knows that we are going to mess up. He even knows that we think this way. He has grace for us. It is time that we have a little grace for ourselves.
I know that my kids needed me to be patient when they got up from their beds for the 5th time before going to sleep, but instead I hollered for them to climb back into their beds…. I am still a good mom.
I know that my husband didn’t have any clean socks when he needed them and took out his frustrations on me. I yelled back… I still am a wonderful wife.
I have grace for myself to be real. I have grace to recognize that even in my weakest moments, God stills sees me as more than enough. While desiring to grow in my walk with the Lord is healthy, I have grace to realize that who I am in this moment is just fine.
It is a brave thing to let go of all of our expectations. It is a brave thing to admit that we are okay. It takes boldness to live as though who you are in Christ Jesus is enough, but it is exactly where we need to be.
The sickness of “supposed to” can be deadly, but the good news is there’s a cure – a full dose of grace.
