I have never been a big planner. I’m not one of those overly organized types. Those people are awesome. I’m just not one of them. I can make a decent plan, but I find that if I do, rarely do things go according to it. So, my eagerness to meet the man that I would marry or know what my future looked like had very little to do with how much I wanted a plan.
It had everything to do with how much I dislike surprises. Don’t get me wrong. I want to be surprised if I don’t see it coming. I want to get flowers at the door for no reason. I want to get asked to dinner by my husband when I wasn’t expecting a date night. But if there is a surprise that I can ruin? I’m all over that.
I open Christmas presents early. I still do it, but it started when I was little. This little girl wanted the board game grabbin’ grasshoppers and made sure to look any place momma and daddy might have hid it. I still remember the day that I found it, opened it and played it right there on the floor of my parent’s closet while momma made dinner.
I wish that I could say I stopped this behavior. I wish that I could say that as an adult I don’t snoop and try to figure out what my husband is getting me for my birthday or Christmas. I wish that I could say that every decently planned surprise that I knew about wasn’t ruined by my sleuthing. But I just can’t help it. I like to be in on what’s coming next.
That is what fueled far too many days and nights of pushing God for answers about my future.
I have diaries, journals, notepads full of prayers and questions pleading with God for answers. Who will I marry? What will our future look like? What kind of ministry will we lead together? How will I know him when I find him? What if I already missed him? How am I supposed to know what to do next if I don’t know what my life will look like in the end?
It felt like every day God woke up and laid out more track for my life. I would chug down the track peering into the distance while waiting for some recognizable sign of where we were headed.
But I know now that He didn’t wake up and lay out more track. He didn’t plan as we went and say, “You tell me! I have no idea what comes next.” He simply held out His hand and asked me to follow Him a little further. And each day I would.
Honestly, I was frustrated. I was frustrated with God for not answering me. I was frustrated with Him for somehow withholding information that I felt like I deserved to know. It was exhausting trying to get Him to tell me anything. “Okay, God, I don’t have to know his name, but can you at least tell me if we have met yet?!” And all the while, God seemed silent.
But if He had answered? If I had known that this was where life would lead me? If I could have seen these moments coming, I might have questioned more than just His silence. I would have questioned His plan. I might have even tried to change it.
Because what He was teaching me was far more important than any insight about thee destination that we would eventually reach. He was teaching me to trust His heart. He was teaching me to follow His voice. He was teaching me what it meant to live completely surrendered to His day by day guidance. He was teaching me the importance of staying close to Him. He was teaching me that He is good and trustworthy and only has my best intentions at heart. And these are truths that would carry me beyond just who I would marry. They would shape my relationship with the Lord forever.
If only I could tell that girl desperate for answers that she didn’t really want them. If only I could tell her that the time that she spent learning the heart of the Father and the sound of His voice was so much more important than finding out where she would end up.
If only I had spent that time soaking in His presence. If only I had spent that time storing up hope for the days to come when marriage and kids would take over, and I would go days without finding a minute to spend in His Word. If only I hadn’t taken for granted those years of growth and maturity when my time wasn’t as demanded of me and there weren’t as many requests for my attention.
So sweet friend, listen to my heart. You will end up somewhere. I know that’s not the answer you were looking for, but it is true. God is good. He has all of the answers, but the good news is that you have Him. You don’t need to know what’s coming next. You don’t have to worry about what it will look like. You simply have to trust that the One who leads you loves you.
I found these words just a few days ago in an old journal. “God has shown me the past couple days that the plans I make will never be as perfect as His. I need to stop. Stop planning, plotting, trying to figure out what happens next. Stop looking for the next step, moving on my own, and trying to move Him. Stop getting ahead of myself, stop getting ahead of Him. Stop looking to others for answers, stop filling in the blanks before He does, stop inferring, stop making hasty conclusions, stop acting prematurely… to just stop…. and to wait. Whatever comes, whatever goes, whatever changes, I can rest in knowing that He will never let me fall. He will never turn His back. He has no plan B. And I am living in the open hand and divine will of God. He is so much more than amazing.”
Hang on, sweet sister. Hold tight, single friend. You might not have all the answers, but you have the One with the answers holding your hand.
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