So you’re parenting in the middle of a pandemic. Gah. None of us planned for this. Did we? It’s the worst.

Being a mom on a regular Thursday was hard enough. Mom in the middle of a global crisis with civil unrest on a Thursday halfway through a year that has been nothing except uncertain as we plan for school in 2020-21?!? Yup. Bizarro. Overwhelming. Crazy. To the edge. Wish we could just get off this ride. Bye.

I mean, no one taught us how to mom in the first place. We just sort of absorbed it from the people around us, our own childhoods, instincts, the Holy Spirit… and we figured it out.

And then 2020 happened. And everything we felt good about before… we had to take and throw like confetti at the worst party ever. So long goodbye everything I was certain of.

That’s parenting in 2020.
That’s being a mom this year.

And it’s a lot. It’s a lot for all of us. It’s new and scary and weird and who even knows what we are supposed to do anymore?

But I need to say this. Listen close. All of those things you’re feeling? We are all feeling them. All of those things you’re worried about? We are all worried about them. All of the ways you are just trying your hardest to figure it out and keep your kids safe? Yup. That’s us too.

But just in case in the middle of all the crazy you haven’t paused to address the toll this is all taking on your mental and emotional health? That’s what this space is for right now.

If your heart needs a minute for someone to say, “WHAT JUST HAPPENED AND ARE YOU OKAY?!” This is your cue. This is where you take a minute to say to yourself and your momma friends, “We’ve been through a lot. Haven’t we? This has been rough, but we are figuring it out like we always do. Cuz that’s just what moms do. We figure it out.”

Here’s the best news, friends.
Ready? We get to the other side of this thing, God has seen the other side of this season and walks us as someone who knows the way forward… and loves us.

You’ve got Him. And You’ve got us.

Cheers, momma. Deep breath.

“If God is good, why is this happening?” “If God knew, why didn’t He tell us?”
In the wake of the global pandemic, hard questions are rising to the surface of hearts across the world. On social media, those within our faith and those looking from the outside in are asking, “Where is God now?” “How did this happen?” “How is He good even when this is our reality?”

I have some thoughts I’d like to share in hopes of settling some of these big questions. I know some people reading won’t agree. I’m prepared for that. However, I fully believe there is someone who desperately needs these answers. I am praying you can use this post as a resource to share with your friends who are wrestling with uncertainty in times like these.

The first question I’d like to address is:

If God is good, why is this happening?
The answer is both simple and complex. God is good, and the world we live in wasn’t ever supposed be this way. To answer this quesiton, we have to go back to the Garden of Eden. Genesis 2:7-17 details the creation of man.

“Then the Lord God formed man of dust from the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.”

 (God breathed His life into us. Wow!)

“The Lord God planted a garden toward the east, in Eden; and there He placed the man whom He had formed. Out of the ground the Lord God caused to grow every tree that is pleasing to the sight and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.”

“Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it. The Lord God commanded the man, saying, “From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.”

 Pay attention to this part…

“From any tree of the garden you may eat freely, but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat.”

If you’re new to faith, let me offer a quick explanation. God isn’t warning that man would die a physical death on the day that he ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, but rather an immediate spiritual death where he would no longer have the same relationship with God that he had before. Additionally, if man were to eat from the forbidden tree, man would begin to die a physical death caused by this separation from God. Whereas before, man would simply live forever with God.

So, let’s talk about what we just read. God said that man could eat from any tree in the garden except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. But in the description of the garden, God mentions another tree – the tree of life.

Go back and read verse again.

“The tree of life also in the midst of the garden…”

If you’re familiar with this story at all, you know that God goes on to create a woman, and then man and woman both eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

They did exactly what God told them NOT to do, and the moment they disobeyed God, they changed their relationship with Him. They had been perfect reflections of God’s glory up to this point, only doing what He taught them to do. But when they disobeyed Him, they stopped being like Him. This meant that God could no longer look at them and only see Himself. This changed everything.

After they ate from the forbidden fruit, God said to Himself in Genesis 3:22-23,

“Behold, the man has become like one of Us, knowing good and evil; and now, he might stretch out his hand, and take also from the tree of life, and eat, and live forever”— therefore the Lord God sent him out from the garden of Eden, to cultivate the ground from which he was taken.”

The first time I read this, I believed that God was punishing man and woman for their disobedience by removing them from His presence. I think of how I discipline my own children sometimes, “You didn’t do what I asked and now you have to go sit in time out.” However, just like we have a reason for putting our children in timeout, God’s true motives for requiring Adam and Eve to leave the garden are far more loving than I first. I understand now that God removed man and woman from the garden in order to protect them.

According to verse 22, access to the tree of life meant access to eternal life.

“he might stretch out his hand, and take also from the tree of life, and eat, and live forever…”

If man and woman ate from the tree of life after they spiritually separated themselves from God, they would continue to live forever separated from Him. They would never again have the relationship with God that He intended.

God loved us too much to allow us to live forever separated from Him.
Go back and read Genesis 3:22-23, again.

“Behold, the man has become like one of Us, knowing good and evil; and now, he might stretch out his hand, and take also from the tree of life, and eat, and live forever”— therefore the Lord God sent him out from the garden of Eden, to cultivate the ground from which he was taken.”

God loved us too much to allow us to live foreve separated from Him. He wanted the opportunity to redeem mankind through Jesus. It’s the kindness of God that led His children out of the Garden so He could lead them to repentance and reconciliation later on.

Here’s the thing. When sin entered the world, everything broke. Our relationship with God broke. Our bodies broke and now die. Our world broke. Plagues, wars, sickness and death entered our story. But God still desired to be with us in this broken world. He still wanted us back as it had once been.

So, He made it possible for a holy and perfect God to have a relationship with a sinful and broken people by sending His Son, Jesus, as a sacrifice, redeeming all who would believe.

God made a way for us to have access to Him… access we wouldn’t have had without Jesus… even in the midst of darkness and pain and suffering. That is the full evidence of His goodness.

Access to God does not mean the lack of trial, or pain or even death. It simply means, our good God sent His Son, Jesus, so we wouldn’t have to face any of it alone.
He could have just left us all, but He didn’t. He could have said, “This isn’t worth it. They aren’t worth it,” and started over. But from the beginning of time, since He created the world, He has been working to bring us back to Him.

The evidence of God’s goodness isn’t revealed by the absence of brokenness and pain, but in the presence of God who enters our brokenness and pain and refuses to abandon us in it.
Why doesn’t God stop it all? Because until Jesus returns to this earth, which Scripture says will happen one day, we will all walk a very dark and broken world… a version of the world that God never intended for us to live in. Our mission as Christians? Is to tell the world they never have to spend a day of their lives alone.

The next question is:

If God knew this was coming, why didn’t He tell us or prepare us?

He did. He told us in John 16:33 that we would have troubles. But He doesn’t always tell us when big trials will come because He loves us. He spares us the weight of knowing more than our hearts can handle.

When Jesus was telling His disciples goodbye, He said to them in John 16,

“I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.”

The Truth is, Jesus was fully aware of everything they were about to witness. He knew that they would watch as He was wrongly accused, tortured, and unjustly crucified. He knew that they would watch Him hang on a gory cross with a crown of two-inch thorns pressed into his brow. He knew that He would be mocked, ridiculed, and eventually impaled and placed in a borrowed tomb.

Jesus knew that His followers needed to be prepared for what was coming, but He knew that they couldn’t handle the weight of the details. He also knew what was coming for each of them eventually. He knew that many of them would die horrible deaths as well.

But He knew that when they saw Him come back from the dead, when they witnessed not only His death, but His resurrection, they would be able to face anything.

There are some things that Jesus doesn’t tell us because He knows it is too much for us, but He doesn’t leave us without counsel during this time. He sends His Holy Spirit to guide us.
This is still one of the jobs of the Holy Spirit in our lives today. He reveals the Truth to us in ways that we can handle, strengthens us for the journey ahead, and equips us to face what is still coming.

I know that sometimes we want answers, and we want answers now. We want to know exactly how it all plays out. We want to know not just want to do next, but how to prepare for the years ahead. And sometimes, we wonder why if God is good and if He really loves us, He won’t tell us. But sometimes the proof of His love is in His withholding of details.

Sometimes, Jesus says to us, “It’s too much for you to bear, daughter. It’s too much for you to know right now, son. Because I do know what is coming, I’m asking you to trust me right here. I’m asking you to trust me with what I have told you already. I’m asking you to wait for the Holy Spirit to reveal what’s next in a way that you can process and move forward safely. Just because I’m not telling you, doesn’t mean that I don’t know. I know enough– and I know you enough to know that it would be too much.”

In these moments, the best response of our hearts isn’t to beg for details, but praise the Lord for His merciful silence that leads us steadily on.
There is hope in the midst of all of this, and that is in knowing we have a good God who never leaves us. He never stops paying attention to us. He never grows tired of hearing from us. He paid the ultimate price just to be with us. Ask Him to sit with you awhile. I promise that He would love nothing more.

My prayer for you, friends, is that you would find hope and comfort in some of these answers. Pray, read your Bible, ask God to speak directly to you. If you have more questions, feel free to reach out or contact your local church leadership. Share to pass this on, and then tell me your thoughts in the comments.

So much love,
Becky

Note: Some of this text comes from my book, Truth Unchanging: Hearing God Daily in the Midst of Motherhood. Find out more here.

Me: Okay, God, here’s the thing. I’m scared. I’m trying not to be, but I am.

God: I know. Want to talk about it?

Me: Do we need to? I mean, you already know.

God: Let’s talk about it anyway… We’ve done this before.

Me: I know, I just feel like I should be bigger or stronger of something by now.

God: *waiting patiently, unhurried, undistracted, never annoyed.

Me: Okay. So, I’m afraid I’ll do everything I can to protect my family and it won’t be enough. I’m afraid of someone I love dying. I’m afraid the world won’t go back to what it was before. I’m afraid my life is always going to feel a little bit unsettled.

God: Anything else?

Me: EVERYTHING ELSE.

God: Remember how Jaxton woke up the other night and came running down the hall to your bedroom?

Me: Yes.

God: You were still awake, so when you heard him running, you started calling out to him before he even got to you… remember? Do you remember what you called out to him?

Me: I said, “You’re okay! You’re okay! You’re okay!”

God: Why did you call to him? Why didn’t you just wait for him to get to your room?

Me: Because I wanted him to know that I was awake, and I heard him, and he didn’t have to be afraid until he reached the end of the dark hallway.

God: Exactly. I hear you, daughter. I hear your thoughts racing like feet down the dark hallway. There’s an other side to all of this. I’m there already. I’ve seen the end of it. And I want you to know right here as you walk through it all, you’re okay. I haven’t gone to sleep, and I won’t.

Me: *crying. Can we sit together awhile? Can we just sit here a minute before I go back to facing it all?

God: There’s nothing I’d love more.

 

You may have seen this post floating around the internet. Yes, I’m the original author. I’m so glad it brough so many people comfort. When the pandemic began, there was so much uncertainty. I was so afraid. This short conversation with the Lord recentered my heart on truth and reminded me of His presence. I believe it did the same for many.

What is Normal Anymore?

All three of my kids had confirmed cases of Influenza A the week before the coronavirus (COVID-19) was diagnosed in our area. All three of them were running 103-104 fevers for nearly five days. I scrubbed my hands raw from the endless washing, and I wore my shirt over my face when I was near them (masks were already out of stock). I bought Lysol and Purell and gloves. I did everything I possibly could to not get sick. As someone with high-functioning anxiety and OCD, my mind, emotions, and body were all exhausted by the end of the week.

That’s when I got the call. The first case of this coronavirus was positive in our area and the district was closing the schools for “deep cleaning.” We’d be out for two days – a Friday and the following Monday. Monday afternoon, as we were preparing to go back to school the next day, they called again to tell us school would be out on Tuesday. Tuesday they called to let us know school would be out on Wednesday… I think you know where this is going.

I shake my head in disbelief now, but I vividly remember calling my mom three weeks ago and asking her if she’d heard how the CDC was recommending all schools prepare for remote/online educating. I said something along the lines of… “Can you believe they are even recommending schools prepare? I don’t think it will ever come to that.”

In my mind, they were just being overly cautious. Yet here we are. This week has been the longest year of my life. You read that right. Everything about everything changed in the last seven days. At least, that’s how it feels at my house. I wonder if it feels that way in your home, too?

School has changed. Work has changed. Being near family and friends has changed. Entertainment has changed. Safety has changed. The future has changed. Simple trips to Target… the grocery store… the available goods… life as we know it… all changed.

And it seems like it changed… as it changed. Here’s what I mean.

We didn’t just wake up with strict new guidelines. The guidelines changed day by day… sometimes hour by hour… and I don’t know about you, but my feelings changed with each press conference from the White House.

I started out thinking: “Well, this outbreak of the virus is bad over there. That area of far enough away. We are still okay.”

And then they said the virus was near us, and I thought, “Well, it’s okay because those people are quarantined and they quarantined all the people who were near that person and we are okay.”

And then they said the virus was probably more widespread than we realized because we couldn’t test for it and I thought, ‘Well, that’s not good, but we will wash our hands and we will be okay.”

And then Italy told us HOW BAD it was, and the same people who told us to prepare to online educate our kids told us it could easily be THAT BAD here… and suddenly there wasn’t any toilet paper and the President said we should meet in groups of no more than 250 people… and then churches cancelled and schools went on extended break, and movie theaters closed and stores closed and we all wondered, “Are any of us okay???”
Soon they said don’t gather in groups of more than 50, and then in groups of more than 10, and then they said…

AND IT FELT LIKE NO ONE WAS GOING TO BE OKAY EVER AGAIN.

As moms, we often carry the mental load for our families, keeping track of everything for everyone. We mentally process all the possible outcomes in real-time… all the time… and this is true in our normal day to day life. But this week?

It’s just so much.

We are worried about our health and our kids and our immunocompromised children or friends or family members. We are worried about basic needs running out in the store, or money running out so we can buy the basic needs, or being stuck in our houses and not being able to go get basic needs.

We are worried about keeping our children safe and happy and educated and trauma-free while isolated from friends and their normal activities.

We are worried about those we love who work in the health-care industry, or food management industry, or shipping, or public service, or my goodness every other industry.

We are worried about the future – one that we just cannot see into yet. One that changes by the hour. One full of so much uncertainty.

We are worried about collapse – collapse of our nation’s economy, and life as we know it, and our own mental and emotional health.

We are worried about our jobs, and our finances, and where the money is going to come from.

Momma, it’s bizarre, and it’s scary, and it’s heavy, and it feels close. But I need to tell you something I told some good friends of mine last night. God isn’t so busy taking care of all the big things in the world that He for even a moment will overlook you. He’s not the dad who is taking care of something “really important right now” so come back and ask Him when He’s done. He’s the opposite. There is no one He loves more than you. There is no one He is more concerned about than you. There is no one He is listening to, or helping, or paying attention to more than you.

So, tell Him. Tell Him all your big feelings. Tell Him what you’re carrying and ask Him to help. He already knows, but it feels good to say it. Tell Him how you need His help specifically. And then? Expect Him to be the same constant, never-changing, ever-present God in your life that He was two weeks ago.

He’s seen the other side of this. He knows each step you need to take. And He doesn’t just wait for you on the other side, hoping you make it safely. He walks with you, leading, loving, and comforting as you go together.

This has been a big week. I have a feeling there are going to be more changes and we are going to have to keep figuring it out as we go. But I take great comfort in this important truth.

The good God who loves us, leads us. And if that’s all that stays certain in these ever-changing days… we have a steady anchor for our soul.

Father, we have called ourselves a nation under Your authority, God. As Your children and as people called by Your name, we believe Your Word. You told Your children in 2 Coronicles 14:7 (KJV), “If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.” So we do that now. Across the United States of America today, we humble ourselves, pray, and seek Your face. We turn from wickedness, and we trust that You hear us.

Today we are asking You, Lord, to move on our behalf. Heal our land. You are the God who healed in Scripture, and You do not change. We ask that You would bring healing to those who are suffering from COVID-19. The blood of Jesus has paid the price for those who are sick, and we ask that You would intervene now on their behalf.

Lord, we ask for strength, wisdom, and protection for health care professionals. You see each person working in hospitals, clinics, offices and laboratories right now. Help each one become aware of Your presence as You strengthen and protect them.

We ask You to give patience to those who are in quarantine. They might feel isolated or scared or disconnected, but You haven’t and won’t leave them. Be a friend and comforter to those in quarantine even now. Give them supernatural patience.

We ask You to give wisdom to our leaders. Give wisdom to our President and the heads of our national government. Give wisdom to our governors and the heads of our state and local goverments. Show them strategies outlined in Heaven for such a time as this to bring order and peace to our nation.

We ask You to give divine strategies and supernatural insight to those searching for cures and preventative processes. You have all the answers, Lord, and Your Word says You give wisdom generously to those who ask. We seek Your counsel and ask that You’d give insight to those who can bring relief.

We ask for peace to settle on each home in the United States and across the world. Grant peace for those who are afraid. Peace for those who are unsure. Peace for those who feel unsettled mentally, spritually, or emotionally. You are the God of Peace. Be with each of us.

We ask You to help us feel compassion for our friends, family, and neighbors. Give us compassion to act out of love and not fear.

We ask for provision for our families. Your Word says are the God who provides. Thank You for providing for each family. There is not one need that is hidden from You. So, we pause to praise You for continuing to meet our needs as only You can.

We ask for You to help us prepare rather than panic. Give wisdom to each family as we do our best to follow the wisdom of those in leadership over us. Help us not to hoard. Help us to stay rooted in love. Give us peace as we make all of our preparations.

We ask for Your courage to fill us so we can do what must be done. We love You and trust You, God.

Lord, we pray for supernatural faith to rise in the hearts of Your children across the United States of America and the world. Give us faith to believe You are turning the tide and pushing back darkness on our behalf. Give us faith to continue to pray bold prayers. In faith we believe that COVID-19 will dissipate and become eradicated from the earth.

You are able. You are good. We trust You, and we ask all of these things in the name of Your Son, Jesus, who taught us to pray:

“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
    on earth as it is in heaven.
 Give us today our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
    as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
    but deliver us from the evil one.”

AMEN.

 

Thank You for praying with us.

We invite you to continue to pray this prayer with us daily until COVID-19 is no more. Save this post and share it so others can join. After all, there is no distance in prayer. We might be separated in our homes, but we are united in spirit. Powerful things happen with God’s people pray. Let’s commit to praying.

 

This afternoon, I asked my three young children to sit down on the rug in our living room, and I positioned myself across from them. They were diagnosed with Influenza A last week, and the dark circles under their eyes reminded me that their bodies were still recovering.

These sweet children of mine haven’t stepped foot outside of our house in seven days. They haven’t seen friends or family or really even gone much farther than the backyard for some sunshine (on the days the sun finally peeks out from behind the clouds here in Middle Tennessee). They have been quarantined, but until this afternoon they wouldn’t have been able to tell you what that word meant.

Ten, eight and five years old — they barely know where Italy and China are on a globe. They don’t understand closed borders or restricted air travel. They don’t understand shortages or runs on toilet paper and cleaning supplies. They don’t know what they don’t know…

…part of me envies their childlike ignorance of what’s happening in the world around all of us.

Yet as their momma it’s up to me to not only know the facts, but to know how to present them to my family and deal with those facts in the most responsible way. It’s up to their father and me to decide how we will move forward and prepare and go about our lives while entire countries are overwhelmed by this global pandemic.

“What is it, momma?”

“What do you want to tell us?”

“Why are we sitting here?”

I took a deep breath, and changed the way they’d see the world forever.

Just as I had broken crackers into mushable crumbs on their highchair trays when they were little, I broke facts and information into child-sized bites. I fed them stories about how the world works and why people are sick and how we are going to do our best to be okay. I told them why we were going to get extra groceries and they might hear their daddy and I talk about a new virus called CoVid-19. I told them why churches are cancelling services and why we aren’t going to be going out into big crowds of people for awhile. I taught them about the virus, and then I taught them the importance of ending conversations like these with hope.

I told them what each of us so desperately wants to be reassured of right now… I told them we are all going to be okay.

I wonder if that’s how you feel. I know it doesn’t seem like it. We read opinion articles, and stories from friends overseas, and reports from the CDC and World Health Organization, and we wonder, How is any of this going to be okay?

We wonder who has the right facts, who we should trust, who is under-preparing for this, and who is blowing it out of proportion, and we ask ourselves, What if it isn’t okay? What if it’s never okay ever again?

Schools are cancelling, churches are cancelling, gatherings, sporting events, concerts all cancelling… and they tell us they are just trying to “flatten the curve.”

They say that the wave will hit the United States as it has hit so many other parts of the world, but they are trying to keep the healthcare system from becoming overwhelmed. They are trying to make sure that if a person needs a bed in ICU and a respirator, there is a bed and a respirator. They are trying to make sure thousands don’t need life-saving measures at once. 

And so we nod our heads and say, “We understand.” And we wash our hands (like we have for our entire lives but with purpose now)

…and fear tries it’s hardest to spread like CoVid-19.

It tries to spread, and we try to stop it, but we cannot just wash away fear like we wash germs off of our hands. So we try to stop the spread of fear other ways.

Some try to make themselves feel better by saying, “At least this isn’t as bad as x, y, or z.” 

Some try to make themselves feel safer by buying extra necessities so they don’t have to go back out into public for awhile.

Some people try to make themselves feel safer by diving into the statistics.

And others try to make themselves feel better by wearing gloves and masks and goggles in public.

But all of us no matter how we are handling this pandemic are simply doing everything we can to quiet the fear that says, “You’re not okay.”

We scroll the internet and read story after story and see memes and gifs poking fun at the way others are handling this, and we laugh because laughter is healing. But we laugh at each other because we are convinced that the way we tell ourselves we are okay is the only right way to tell yourself you’re okay.

The truth is?

All of the people who are doing all of those things that might seem ridiculous to you are scared in their own way.

They’re scared and they’re trying just as hard as you are to figure it all out. They don’t want to be wrong. They don’t want to get sick or die. They don’t want the people they love to get sick or to die either. And it’s new and it’s scary. And we are all just the kids sitting across from people with more information than us asking, “What is it? What do you need to tell us?”

All hoping that at the end we are reassured that eventually the world will go back to whatever normal looked like for us before.

I have a feeling there’s more that we don’t know. I have a feeling we don’t even know what we don’t know yet.

But there is one thing I’m sure of. 

We can do everything in our power to not catch CoVid-19, but we must be equally vigilant about not allowing fear to spread like a virus inside of us.

We must cling to the truth that the Lord is with us and gives wisdom to those who ask for it. And we must cling (metaphorically) to each other. Because the way we get to the other side of this thing is by loving our neighbors well. By remembering that we are all trying to make it out of this thing alive.

So, my plea is to be compassionate, friends.

Be compassionate toward the woman with medical trauma who is fully triggered by this global event.

Be compassionate toward the momma of children with underlying medical conditions.

Be compassionate toward the aging couple who is being told not to travel to see their grandchildren.

Be compassionate toward the medically fragile and the mentally fragile and the emotionally fragile.

Be compassionate toward that person who seems so misguided. 

Be compassionate with one another.

In hours like these the church has the opportunity to show compassion and show the world that there is hope. Because there is. There is hope. There is hope. There is hope.

Even here there is hope.

This afternoon after my conversation with my kids, we all went out onto the back porch to color as the sun went down. I looked around at how normal the moment felt wondering what life will be like in just a matter of weeks. They are building houses just across the greenbelt and the hammering of nails and electric tools reminded me that while the world feels as if it’s crashing down, there are still good things being built. I think even in the midst of this world-wide crisis we have the opportunity to do just that.

We have the opportunity to build a more compassionate humanity.

Deep breath. Let’s pray together.

Father, we pray for our families and our neighbors. We pray the blessing found in Scripture over those we love and ask that You would bless us and keep us, make Your face shine on us and give us peace. We ask You to be our shield and our strength. We ask You to remove fear that would plague our hearts. Show us what to do. Give us compassion for one another. Give us wisdom because You love us and because we earnestly seek it. Aid the medical professionals. Give strength to the doctors and scientists. Heal those who are sick. Stop the spread of infection. Help us, God, as only You can. We ask all these things in Jesus’s name. Amen.

 

A CONVERSATION ON COMPARISON

Me: “I’m having trouble.”

God: “Tell me more…”

 

He didn’t know he was marrying someone with a mental illness… Mostly because we had only known each other for about five months when we got engaged. I was eighteen when he put that ring onto my finger and asked if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I didn’t even know I had a mental illness back then.

But I do now. I used to try and use language that made sure it sounded to others as though I had overcome some situational stress or anxiety.

“Oh yeah, I had anxiety. Somtimes I struggle with anxiety. I used to feel anxious sometimes.”

But I guess I am tired of being embarrassed about it. The truth is, every day that I am not anxious is a miracle. I live in a broken body just like you do. And while my brokenness affects my emotions, it doesn’t define my faith. (Say it louder for the people in the back, Becky!)

I have anxiety, and I am a Christian woman full of faith.

These are two independent facts about me.

I’ve written an entire book about it that will release September of this year. But I need to say something before it hits shelves this year.

As I sit here on the floor of my daughter’s room waiting for her to fall asleep… while my heart races about nothing at all and I search my mind for what has triggered this fleeting fear… the Holy Spirit is with me.

While I’m panicking, wanting to hide and avoid everything that must be done, while I try and intentionally calm my breathing, while I do everything I know to reduce the anxiety I am experiencing, He is reminding me that I am not my emotions. I am not my chemical imbalances or physical deficiencies. I’m not my hormonal issues. I am not my diagnosis. I am not my nutritional sensitivities or broken DNA.

I am a loved daughter. A cherished wife. An amazing mom. A good friend. And a powerful voice for hope in the midst of all seasons and situations.

I’m seen. I’m held. And I’m found in the eyes of those hwo love me and the One who lives in me… and so are you.

That’s the powerful promise of peace. He walks across relentless waves. He stands steady in the midst of the storm. We focus on Him calming and calling out for the winds and waves to obey… and they do. But peace remains steady all the while. That’s peace in us. HE’s steady even when storms are raging around us or within us. He’s with us both even now, friend. Even now.

I was on the phone with my mom telling her about my day.

“It sounds like you got a lot done,” she said.

But I didn’t feel like her words were true.

I wander around my house and there is continual proof that I can’t keep up. I can’t always keep up with the dishes. I can’t keep up with the laundry-covered guest bed (even when I promise myself I’ll do one load a day.) I can’t keep up with the kids’ bathroom that looks like a truck stop by the end of the day occasionally. I can’t keep up with my creative projects or the discipline/instruction of my children or the maintenance of my marriage or the bathroom counter clutter or the refrigerator that keeps emptying or the mail pile that might have a pink reminder to pay something.

I can’t keep up with what I promise the kids we will do or what I promise myself I will finish or what I started when I had motivation and gave up on when motivation took a lunch break and then called it a day. These little memorials of my inability to keep up feel like mile markers on a marathon that I just can’t finish.

My husband wonders why occasionally I will snap or fuss or bark about something that seems so trivial… and it’s usually because these daily reminders of all I have to do add up, shouting from each corner of my life, “You don’t have it figured out.”

When I add to it this desire to not only be the woman who has it all together, but the woman who can photograph her all-togetherness so that the internet has record of her success…

Can we just not?

Can there be some sort of official club for the women doing their stinkin’ best with laundry everywhere? Can there be a support group where we stand next to one another, look at the work and say “Man, you’re in charge of a lot… I bet that’s hard.” And then can this imaginary everyone’s welcome group make it our official mission to say to each other, “You’re not a failure. You’re not falling behind. You’re not a disappointment. You’re not the only one.”

Because there’s this book called Hope Unfolding where the author (oh that’s me ?) reminds the members of this come as you are motherhood club, “Jesus is there with you. See him take the guilt and the frustration in the feelings of inadequacy. And then in a beautiful exchange, see him replace all of the heaviness with hope.” And that’s some Truth strong enough to silence the lies that we will never be enough. Right?