How Abortion Has Changed the Discussion of Miscarriage

I was finally getting back to a normal routine. My miscarriage a few weeks earlier had taken more than just my baby. It had sapped my emotional reserves as well. I was exhausted, but began to force myself to continue the necessary day-to-day tasks.

I opened the growing pile of mail. A few bills and some unrequested catalogues were quickly set aside. But as I opened a letter from the hospital, I suddenly felt more than I had in days. I could feel my face turn red and my heart began to beat quickly.

The letter read something to the effect of:

“Dear Mrs. Thompson, Blah blah blah, your insurance company will not cover your elective abortion. Blah blah blah.”

Abortion?!?

It took a few times reading over the letter to understand that I needed to contact the hospital billing office. Surely there had been a mistake.

The conversation is still fuzzy in my mind, but basically, the hospital had “miscoded” my ER visit a few weeks before. While I had experienced what they considered a spontaneous abortion (my body had terminated the pregnancy on its own) the hospital had entered it as something similar to an elective abortion. (They said that I had made the decision to terminate the pregnancy.)

I had done everything in my power to keep my baby. Abortion was the word that described just the opposite.

It has taken me nearly 8 years to realize that abortion wasn’t just a word that was mistakenly used in place of my miscarriage; it is the word that has changed the discussion of miscarriage all together.

When I lost my baby, I was surrounded by family and friends who knew that we were expecting and wanted to support us during our time of loss. I was encouraged by those who knew for themselves the heartache we were experiencing…

But life just sort of… went on…

I joined some horrible silent club of women who have all had miscarriages yet no one really talks about the loss or acknowledges the baby.

There wasn’t a grave stone or a funeral or meals prepared for us for weeks. I wasn’t featured on the news or connected by the hospital to other mothers who had experienced similar heartache.

I was sent home to continue to live like my baby had never died – like there never was a baby.

But recently, I have realized that this response is an indicator of the state of our society.

After all, it is hard for a society to mourn the loss of WANTED unborn life when it is busy calling it “tissue” and discrediting its personhood.

It is hard for a society to embrace a mourning mother for her loss of tissue when it is busy defending another mother’s right to dispose of it.

But for a woman who prays ceaselessly for life to fill her womb, for a woman who has tried for years to finally have children of her own, for an expectant mother who suddenly finds herself frantically calling her OB after finding bright red blood…

The “material” in her tummy is anything but tissue.

It is life.

It is hopes and dreams and answered prayers. It is destiny and a future and a promise of another generation. It is bike riding and little league and ballet lessons and college and grandkids…

It is a baby.

But it can never be both. Society can never acknowledge that we lost a baby and with the same breath declare the rest to be tissue.

That is how the discussion of abortion has changed the discussion of miscarriage – it has only further silenced it.

Even though miscarriage affects millions of men and women each year, it won’t be featured on the news.

There will be no memorials for all of the WANTED unborn babies. There will be no moments of silence or Today Show features for women who are organizing support groups. Despite the huge number of families miscarriage impacts each year – it will not be discussed widely.

Because if they call ours babies…

Then all of the aborted ones… were babies too…

And the silence – more than anything – speaks the loudest.

It’s time to change the discussion of miscarriage – by starting one. It is time to acknowledge the loss of neonatal life as…life… It is time to stop expecting women and men who have experienced miscarriage to stay silent in their own pain.

They have lost a child.

They may not have ever held it in their arms, but they dreamt a lifetime for that baby in their hearts.

From my little corner of the internet, I dare to say that the silence has spread far enough. It is up to us to speak for the babies who have been lost and embrace the mothers and fathers who have endured the heartache of such tragedy.

Abortion may have changed the discussion of miscarriage – but we can change it again.

Because though they try to silence the lives of the aborted, they should not be able to silence the lives of the wanted as well.

You can read my story of miscarriage, here.

 

 

 

For those who do not know me, or haven’t read any of the rest of my articles, I would like to clarify a few things.

Am I against abortion? Yes.

Am I against those who have had an abortion? No.

Until my very last breath, I will love others to the best of my ability. I will encourage and talk and pray and walk out life with women who have had an abortion just as I would with those who have not. I am tired of the “us” vs “them.” I’m tired of the lines that divide women from loving and encouraging one another. My heart aches for those who will believe that because I’m pro-life, I am anti-women who have chosen abortion. I think that the women who have had an abortion are just as loveable as those who have not… if they aren’t… then I need to work on who I think is worthy of love. But just as I love women who have had an abortion, I will continue to pray for an end to it. They cannot be both babies and tissue, and I will forever know in my heart that each little life is a child.

May God give us grace as we work to heal wounds and save lives, as we speak for the unborn, and as we champion the cause for the sanctity of life at any stage.

Please consider passing this along.

Comments

  • kathy says:

    Our 1st misscarrage was followed by a surgical procdeure. Because abortions are presented as so easy, go back to work the next day, ect. I didn’t allow myself time to feel and grieve our lose but rushed right back to life. The rush of life led to illness and depression that forced me to take time for myself during the next few months. The 2nd one was much easier because I allowed myself time to heal before jumping back into our busy lifestyle. I realized that society and the abortion industry were wrong and God’s plan was for us to feel and grieve. Requiring us to take the time to allow Him to heal our hearts and my body.

  • JK says:

    Thanks you for attempting to give our angels voices. I have miscarried three babies at 6 weeks, 14 weeks and 16 weeks. I know the heartache that comes with it. I don’t think my heart will ever heal. I talk about them regardless of if it makes people feel comfortable or not. They lived. They were loved. They were ours and so wanted.

    In saying this, I have to just bring light to the fact that many women who have elective abortions do so not because they do not want their child (for what ever reasons), but because their own health is at critical risk. I know this to be fact as I have lived with severe and debilitating hyperemesis gravidarum (a pregnancy related disease that varies in intensity from woman to woman, and pregnancy to pregnancy), and I am part of a community of equally grieving mothers who’s hearts ache desperately for the babies they could never hold, due to their own medical condition.

    While I have not ever aborted a child, I can not imagine the immense grief a mother would face having to terminate a child to save her own life. These babies had life too, and also deserve to have a voice. And I feel that so often these poor Mama’s and their desperately wanted children are over looked and judged. Just because these babies were aborted doesn’t automatically class them as tissue.

    I have been in the position to hear my babies been described as tissue multiple times, I try to understand (as hard as it is), that this is the medical industries way of dealing with the hard and cruel facts.

    Abortion is a tragedy whatever the circumstances. As is miscarriage. Both are babies. Both are tissue. Both deserve a voice.

  • J.R. says:

    Thank you for writing this. One of my best friends just recently had a miscarriage, and I am at a loss for words. I’ve told her that I am here for her, and praying with and for her, and I am, but I am only now (at 30) realizing what you have written- a miscarriage is still a loss of a life. I think that I was oblivious to the deep hurt and feelings of loss that mothers who’ve miscarried feel, because I had an abortion when I was 15, and I had to think of that loss differently. I no longer feel the way that I told myself to when I was 15, but I can’t help but to regret the callousness that I have felt toward women who have miscarried. I know Mother’s Day was particularly hard for my dear friend, plus her sister-in-law and another good friend of ours are both pregnant, so there are reminders all around. Do you have any advice for people to support friends who have miscarried? What was something that someone did to reach out to you in your pain that sticks out to you? I want to love her well, and love her with Christ’s heart.

  • Marleen says:

    My daughter and daughter-in-law both had miscarriages. I bought a Willow Tree statue in memory of those sweet babies. I bought 2 for each baby. I gave one to each mother and kept the second one for me. Like you said, there is no tombstone or graveside to visit. Nothing but emptiness. So that was my way of giving them something tangible for their very short little lives. It has been 12 and 10 years since the loss of those precious babies and I still shed tears over them. I am blessed to have 8 beautiful grandchildren here on earth with us now, but I will never forget the 2 that are in heaven. I can’t help but wonder what they might have been like.

  • Theresa Walker says:

    Thank you for writing this. I am going to share it on facebook. I agree with you so much! I still grieve the loss of our 2 miscarriages-in 1993 & 1997. I never did like the term “spontaneous abortion”. There are no headstones, no pictures, no sweet baby smells. Empty arms and holes in the heart from their loss. For those that don’t know what to say-sometimes, just being held by a friend as you cry helps. You may not understand the exact grief we are/have felt, but you understand grief. You understand that your friend/family is in pain and nothing can take it away. I will say that as time has gone by, the pain has eased. It is still there, but not as harsh. God bless all of us.

  • Gladys Erikson says:

    Having had many miscarriages. I know firsthand what you went through. I am also against abortion and feel sad for those that are for it.

  • Thanks for this post. I think the blogging community has brought this topic slightly out of the silence. It’s nice to see so many moms bond together when people post about miscarriages letting them know they’re not alone. I think it’s a start at least.

  • In 1997 we were at the ob/gyn’s office to have an ultrasound to find out if we were having a girl or a boy. This would complete our family according to our plan. What we found out, that day, was there was no heartbeat. Our baby had died in the womb. A DNC was scheduled and we left, alone and hurting. We would return for the procedure a couple of days later. After the procedure we rode home. No words were spoken. We had been visited by death and devastation. Friends came and went. We were told God knows all things and all things work together for good. We were told that we were young and could have more. We were told we had three healthy children and we were blessed. We were told we had enough. All this while trying to sort through our own emotions. We hurt day and night. Words could not bring relief and silence left your mind to run rampant. Did I cause this? What could we have done differently? Had we been exposed to something that had caused our baby not to thrive? Did we work to hard? Did we rest enough? Was it my fault? All questions that came to mind. This was a wanted pregnancy. There was no mistake, no oops! We had planned our family since our engagement. How many kids, names, what gender we wanted. All the perfect plan set in place and in motion and now this. We had set sibling groups together and perfectly placed them apart to get one set of children out of college before the next set started. It was to take 8 years. Well meaning friends spoke their wisdoms. Others avoided us because anything might trigger these emotions, these outburst, privately or in public. We were hurting and no one seemed to know what to do or say to us or for us. We felt alone, grieving, abandoned, guilty, scared, and all alone. We got through this catastrophic event in our life. We never got over it. People mean well, but if they have never been through it, they don’t know how to minister to you. And don’t think for a minute it only affects the moms, as I am the dad, the husband. I was hurting and yet I had to be strong. I had to carry us through this. I had to pull myself together and go to work each day, not knowing if someone would say something and I would have to run for cover. Then I had to come home and take over for my wife, be with the kids and not grieve and upset them. Something would trigger a thought and off I would run for cover. A friend of mine put his arm around me one day, he knew I was struggling. He told me it was alright to cry, to get angry, to be hurt, to show emotions. He explained what I was feeling and let me know it was normal, that I was normal. Until then, I had not fully grieved and I was a mess. After that day of Bob ministering to me, God placed in my life some key people that had traveled my road. People that understood what we both were feeling. We eventually had another son, whom I can not imagine having never had him. We got to where we could talk about our baby. No gravesite, no funeral, no place to go to-that we shared, just the ultrasound picture of my baby exists now. I won’t say we ever got over it. My child is in heaven. I will meet them there. Seventeen years later as I watch the movie “Heaven is Real” the emotions came racing back. Tears were streaming down my face. As I write this, I have stopped to clean up and come back to finish. Several times. Currently we are almost finished with our home study to adopt two or three children from Eastern Europe. God has not finished with us yet. We are a blended family now and we still love children and want more. But I will never forget Jessie Erin. Thanks for sharing about this delicate subject in today’s society. John Q. Public needs to be challenged to “feel” again. It is not tissue. It is not a fetus. It is a baby. It was alive and now it is not. And most pro-abortionist never explain the hurt and anguish a mother and father feel when they finally realize they took innocent life. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day leave you thinking….what would my child look like? What would my child like to do? What kind of personality would my child have? They feel guilty and ashamed. Lastly, I beg any of you that see this. If you decide to not keep your child, please offer him/her up for adoption. They’re lovely couples, with large and small families. Some with no families. That will LOVE on your baby and treat them as their own. Your baby is LOVED.

  • Becky says:

    Thank you for being so open about miscarriage. One of the most comforting things I heard after losing our sweet little one at 9 weeks just 5 months ago was said to me by a friend – he said that as Catholics we believe that it was a life, a little baby and that he was sorry for our loss. It meant so much to me for someone I knew to acknowledge that we had a lost a baby with the words it was a baby, a life. After it happened I was not silent. I let our friends and family know via email and Facebook. I share statuses about how I’m feeling. I share other articles and blogs about miscarriage. It just feels right to me to be open and outspoken about our little angel baby. You’re right, society’s numbness to abortion has also put silence on miscarriage and this needs to change. We are grieving a real loss. And the same goes for abortion victims – they grieve. We need to acknowledge this and be there for anyone who has lost a baby no matter how it came about. We need to pray for healing for all of them. Thank you again for this post.

  • KJ says:

    I disagree with you completely. Abortion has not changed the voice of miscarriage, and is not to blame for the silence you so describe. Our society has history of hiding a woman’s “faults”, including miscarriages, from the public eye because a woman’s worth is largely measured by her ability to procreate. Changing this takes time and acceptance, not finger-pointing or blame.

    I think that both groups, women who have had miscarriages and abortions, would benefit from coming together and serving as a voice of those who are grieving a loss. After all, that is what both are, a loss of what could have been, the potential for life now unrealized. Do not think that because a pregnancy was unplanned or unwanted, there is no grief for that loss.

  • Janelle says:

    I really appreciate this post. It has put words to emotions I didn’t understand. I year ago I had a misscarriage. My 1st and, so far, only misscarriage. I had to have a D&C because my body didn’t recognize the misscarriage. After that I spent a lot of time angry. Angry with my body, angry at my husband for not being constantly sad like me, angry at my mother for not understanding, angry at my sister for getting pregnant and getting to keep her baby, angry at the world for not seeing my pain, angry at the world for continuing to turn, and angry at my Father in Heaven for letting it happen. I am ashamed of this, but it how I felt. Eventually, time has made it hurt less. On A

  • Janelle says:

    Sorry my last comment got cut off. I got pregnant again and spent my entire first trimester waiting for a misscarriage and I couldn’t get excited because I just knew it would happen again, but it didn’t. By 12 weeks when we saw a strong heartbeat and my beautiful little girl (this was past the point I had lost my previous baby) then I was able to get excited and share my news. On April 25, 2014 I gave birth to my sweet daughter, one day before the 1 year mark of my D&C (which was April 26, 2013). My Heavenly Father gave me a tender mercy and an angel in my life. So long story, but thank you. I know my healing could have been different if abortion hadn’t changed the way we see misscarriage, however, I am grateful for my pain and my experience. It has made me love and appricate my daughter because I know that she is a miracle and life is fragile. I am grateful for the loving arms of my Father in Heaven.

  • We lost our honeymoon baby at about 6 weeks. We were advised to forget it, and even to assume that it would have been severely disabled or something. We both grieved the loss of that baby separately for five years, thinking the other took the advice, until one day I’d had enough. I had always felt strongly that our baby was a girl, so I gave her a name; Esther Mari, meaning beautiful sorrow. When I told my husband, he revealed that he too was grieving her loss, and told me that he loved the name.

    We lost another baby 7 months later, at about 8 weeks. The doctor who checked me out told me it wasn’t “a big deal” and that I should stop crying. I hadn’t known that I was pregnant, and didn’t feel either way to gender, so we didn’t name that baby. But I still grieve the loss, as does my husband.

    We were blessed with our little Serenity 2 years ago, after 4 years of infertility and our 2 miscarriages. She has done much to heal our hearts, thanks to God. ♥

    But I find it strange, some days, realizing that she’s actually our 3rd child. I tried saying something about that once, and was met with confusion and dismissal. Nobody wants to think about the humanity of miscarried babies, even in Christian and pro-life circles. It’s disheartening.

    The fact is, I have 3 children. Serenity is here with me, and the other 2 are in heaven with Jesus.

  • Brittany Boeddeker says:

    My husband and I have been married since July 6, 2012. We wanted to wait a year start a family and just meld our marriage together before having children. We actually didn’t do much to prevent anything from happening in the beginning. In January of 2013 we started trying. We had our first pregnancy in April and lost our little Angel at 9 weeks in June. I found out in an ultra sound that their was no heartbeat. We were devastated to loose our first little blessing. I asked how long would she let me try to miscarry naturally, she said a week. One week to the day and praying non stop, I started my 12 hour miscarriage. I have never experienced anything like it before in all my life. A trial I know God chose for me for a reason. We wanted to try right away Dr. Said wait 3 cycles, again we didn’t do anything to stop getting pregnant. We got pregnant again in October again we were so ecstatic after our loss, but again lost baby #2 two days before Thanksgiving at 6 wks. The miscarriage was different I started bleeding and then went to the hospital. Had and ultra sound and they couldn’t find the baby. Again, we have a desire for children and God has diffwrt want plans and I just want His perfect will in all of this. Thanks for your great posts they are truly encouraging.

  • Paul Walker says:

    Dear Lady, my heart aches for you. My own dear daughter has walked in that path, once with miscarriage and once with loss at 8 days. I agree with you, but I would say that long before Roe v. Wade, miscarriage was wrongly handled. My own dear mom lost one at about 12 weeks (I think). I was only about 4 at the time. Mama was “sick” and had to go to the hospital. She wasn’t allowed to keep the body or bury it or know what it was (boy or girl). As she lay dying 40 years later, her one question was, “Will I get to see my baby?” Keep up the good work and keep comforting these dear women.

  • Jana Hunter says:

    Keep writing. Thank you for tenderly writing about issues no one else wants to acknowledge.

  • K. says:

    I have grieved 3 lost babies through miscarriage. The 3rd one happened very early, before the 6th week. Several months later I was pregnant again and during my prenatal appointment they were reviewing my pregnancy history. They confirmed 2 miscarriages. I told them I had actually had 3. They told me that if the miscarriage happened at 4 weeks or earlier, they did not consider it a miscarriage. I felt the blood drain from my face and hot tears spring to my eyes. I will always love my babies I have never met here on earth. Not many understand, probably only those who have experienced this type of loss. I still cry sometimes, 9 years later. God has blessed me with two miracles I get to hold and love and cuddle. And when we are all in heaven, our little family will grow from 4 to 7. Thank you for sharing, and opening the door for grieving mothers.

  • Jeanne says:

    I miscarried a twin. I never really thought about naming the baby as I didn’t know if it was a boy or girl. My surving twin who is now 30 says she speaks with a little girls that calls herseld Deserie which is the same name we were going to call my daughter then changed it at the last minute. After watching ‘Heaven is for real’ I believe she is in Heaven watching ove us.

  • Susan Davis says:

    I suffered a miscarriage with our first pregnancy and had to have a D&C. Hearing all the medical personnel say that I was having a spontaneous abortion was a slap in the face. My baby was only 7 weeks, but she/he was wanted, prayed for, and loved from the moment we saw her little heart beating on that ultrasound machine. I corrected everyone I heard say ‘abortion’ even to the point of one nurse rolling her eyes at me. Thank you, THANK YOU for writing this, for acknowledging that even though we never held them, they are still our babies even though we never met them face to face or got to hold them and rock them to sleep.

  • Jess says:

    I’ve been thinking about this post for a few hours after reading it this morning. I enjoy your posts and your heart, though you and I think very differently about many issues. I felt compelled to comment because I don’t believe that our national “conversation” (if you can call it that) about abortion has anything to do with the feelings of loneliness, loss, and anger around miscarriage. I think the parallel you draw here is damaging to your opposition to abortion and alienating toward those whose hearts you seek to change.
    Saying that we as a society must discount the miscarriages as “just tissue” in order to condemn abortion is a logical fallacy. We are able to hold far more complex views about life than that. As an example, I know your family eats meat, and therefore must at some level believe hunting is acceptable (in whatever form that is.) At the same time, I assume you’d find it abhorrent if someone killed a pet. The base act (killing an animal) is the same, but the value given to the pet by its owner is what makes killing the pet wrong. That is very simplistic, and I’m not arguing that mothers give their children value (as I believe they are inherently valuable), but what I’m saying is that the same act can be judged as morally different based on circumstances.
    Anyway, all of that is to say, I feel very deeply for women who have miscarriages. I can also see how deeply painful it must be to have a miscarriage coded/called a “spontaneous abortion” and would join with you in urging the medical community to change that. I am fortunate that that has not happened to me (at least, not yet), and I’m sure I would be devastated if it did. But to blame society’s “silence” on this issue on our conversation about abortion does little good. Let’s talk about real issues–the value of mothering, the social problems that lead many women to feel trapped into having an abortion, our “pull yourselves up by the bootstraps” mentality, and a myriad of other issues that do cause women who suffer miscarriages to feel alone.

  • Melissa says:

    That was beautiful. I completely agree. After my miscarriage I was sent home and after a few days I was expected to go on like nothing had existed. Even now 4 years later others don’t understand why I’m sad on April 2nd or every November and especially on mother’s day. I’m told well it’s not like you lost a baby. So thank you for your words. It gives me piece to know that someone does understand my sadness

  • Sonya says:

    This has brought tears to my eyes. As I read this I could relate so much. My little angel would of been 14 months now. I found out when I was 4 months along that we had lost the baby. My whole world crashed down. Some people cant relate to what all I went thru. I remember some people telling me I had to get over it and move on. That was something in my life I will NEVER get over. I tried my best to let my body miscarriage on its own but I couldn’t. They had to do a DNC cause I had a infection. I felt so yucky about myself knowing the same machine was what did abortions. I don’t know how any one could willingly go thru that. You are right tho. My baby wasn’t called my baby it was called the fetus. It was just tissue as you stated. I would correct the doctors every time. I don’t care what any one says that was and is my BABY.

  • Susan Pitts says:

    Society has fallen deeper than I thought if the rational for logical thinking on this issue can be compared to the killing of a pet versus the killing of livestock for food as a moral comparison. May God help us if that metaphor even comes to mind in such a discussion of the life of the unborn.

  • Jess says:

    Susan-
    I specifically stated that they were nowhere near the same; what I said was that we often think of the same act as morally different based on the circumstances surrounding it. I in no way equated them (the killing of an animal and abortion). I fear you judged me without reading completely. And that, after all, is the root of many of our difficulties in moral conversation. We often fail to listen completely.

    The relevant quote:
    That is very simplistic, and I’m not arguing that mothers give their children value (as I believe they are inherently valuable), but what I’m saying is that the same act can be judged as morally different based on circumstances.

  • Alicia says:

    Just to let you know, I have had a miscarriage. Now, I am a missionary in a foreign country and the French word for miscarriage is “abortion.” Medically speaking, I must claim I have had an “abortion.” Unfortunately, the Latin translates this way, hence the clerical error in mislabeling your “abortion.” It doesn’t make it easier and we do need to mourn our lost children. I highly recommend a book called “Honoring a Child Born Unto Heaven.” Even if you aren’t a believer, the principles are the same. You carried a baby who has died, you must honor its life and death and you need to heal through mourning. My first child would have been three today. We had a birthday party to celebrate her and her memory.

  • Jennifer Mull says:

    Thank you for speaking this so well! I have 8 children, but I also have had 5 miscarriages. I learned from each pregnancy and each child, and I learned the most from the babies that I miscarried… I don’t regret a single one, though I wish I did not miscarry ever. I can remember once, when I had my 4th miscarriage and I had 7 children, and I was weak and a little lightheaded… I had to email someone from my church and ask if she could possibly coordinate some meals for me… and only a few people would… I guess they were busy with other things… I remember telling this friend, that if I had delivered the baby full term or if one of my other children died, meals would’ve been delivered without me asking… I had both happen at the same time, but had to ask for this help. That is how it is in many churches, only many women do not even ask because it is so hard… I had learned from my previous losses to ask….

  • holly says:

    my heart breaks for anyone going though this. but for the record, i dont think the response to miscarriage has “changed” over time, womens sexuality, fertility and the loss of pregnancy have always been a silent topic. miscarriages are actually very common. it is suspected that many women miscarry every month without knowing about it. amongst women who do know they are pregnant, its an astonishing 20%. miscarriage is often a way of terminating a pregnancy that is or will be a problem, many times its a gift. so mothers repsonses to it are very very different, and there is no one way to respond. as someone who has both miscarried and had a still birth, they were radically different experiences to me. one was a zygote. one was a baby who could live outside of me. in one case, i was mourning a dream, in the other i was mourning a person. i actually encountered many many many groups and organizations that were willing to talk about it. i hope this author does as well. infertility difficulty having a baby are very painful issues. but they are all different. and im not sure abortion has single handedly changed the way we think about them. but i agree shedding more light on them is the right thing to do. and i thank the author for that.

  • Erika says:

    I had 4 miscarriages myself. At least 2 of them were “mis-coded” as elective abortions as well. My last miscarriage almost killed me. Then when I was pregnant within a couple months, I got my “mis-coded” bill from the hospital. I was so upset and my pregnancies were so fragile my OB decided I must take time off work. Later in that same pregnancy I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Again abortion was mentioned. Instead I had chemotherapy followed by the healthy delivery of my baby girl. She’s 4 and no one would ever guess her time in the womb was filled with chemotherapy.

    Thank you for sharing your experience. Your position on miscarriage is the same a mine. I’ve ‘met’ pro-abortion people who claim that there *is* a difference between a miscarried baby and aborted ’tissue’. Their arguments are invalid and illogical. These same people also say that women don’t experience emotional distress after an abortion, but women do if they miscarry. Again, illogical and invalid arguments are made. Babies are babies whether they’re newly conceived, wanted, unwanted, unhealthy, disabled, premature, or full-term. Pro-abortion people have to lie to themselves to live with themselves.

  • Marie says:

    I’ve never experienced a miscarriage or abortion. I can’t speak on what it must feel like and what y’all go through. I am open to being a surrogate though. The thought of a couple who wants children and can produce them but can’t carry them hurts me. I can’t imagine that pain. I would love to help though. Feel free to contact me of you have thought of this as am option. I have 1 healthy 8 year old daughter. I put an IUD after I had her because I don’t think I personally want anymore to raise, but I would love to be pregnant again and help another couple bring a life into this world.

  • Tamera Harrison-Patridge says:

    I love your blog! I wholeheartedly agree with what you have written and I want to encourage you to check out a group who work to help those who have lost children at any stage. Please consider checking out “A Heart to Hold” on Facebook or their website. I am part of this group who makes weighted hearts for children who are lost either during pregnancy or during early stages of life. You are right. We are robbing these families of their right and your right to grieve. But we don’t have to be silent and there are people who want to walk beside you and offer you you some small piece of comfort. Please check it out.

    Thanks,
    Tamera

  • Kate says:

    As a woman that has had 4 miscarriages and a ruptured ectopic pregnancy that almost killed me I disagree. Yes, it is heartbreaking, and terribly sad, but it is not the same as losing a partner, best friend, parent, or child. It just isn’t. It doesn’t even come close.

  • Rebecca says:

    This is such a perfect, much needed post. I have encountered so many stories (some fairly close to home) about miscarriages. Our church actually has a support group ministry for the mothers/parents of miscarried and stillborn babies called “Grieving the Child I Never Knew.” I personally think it is one of our most needed ministries!

  • Emilee says:

    Thanks for sharing! When we just had our miscarriage (or fetal demise – no symptoms), the doctor told us we could have the baby induced at home because it was still ‘a fetus” (19 wks 5 days) but if it had been at 20wks (JUST TWO MORE DAYS!) then she would have been considered a baby! I have to say, though I think its ridiculous and hypocritical , it allowed us to bury her at home and not have to go through the heartache of getting her a birth AND death certificate.

  • candace says:

    I have had a miacarriage a few years ago, it was terrifying as my husband and I were worried sick as to the sudden bright red blood that showed up. Both of us ended up in an emotional mess from the loss.

  • Jenny says:

    To clarify, spontaneous abortion is medical terminology for miscarriage; our use of the lay term abortion for elective abortion came later.
    I must ask if you have done any research on how miscarriages were viewed and treated by society before abortions were legalized?
    Miscarriage is heartbreaking and devestating-and an unfortunate aspect of being human. I feel deeply for women who I know to have miscarried. I just believe our lack of open discussion would be the same regardless of the legality of abortion..

  • Alexa says:

    When I had my miscarriage in Nov 2012 it was a “blighted ovum” and basically it gives me hormones like a healthy pregnancy and it takes a long time to naturally pass. There was nothing in the sac (but my hopes and dreams destroyed regardless)and so I waited a week but feeling pregnant and not being pregnant I decided to have a D&C (after many ultrasounds checking through the week that there was no baby). At the hospital they kept calling my D&C an abortion. I got looks from the nurses. I was NOT aborting my baby!! I very much wanted a sibling for my son. I had faced a loss of my daughter in 2010 (26 weeks pregnant) after fighting for her for 2 weeks until my life was in jeopardy. It was terrible to hear that word! I too didn’t allow myself to heal. I went straight back to work and life. (I did the same after my daughter). The silence and taboo that surrounds child loss is overwhelming.

  • Megan says:

    Amen. I will help you give voice to the silent.

  • Elissa says:

    This is a beautiful article, thank you so much for writing it. I miscarried at 15 weeks between my first two sons and I never knew how much it would hurt. I wad told at a regular checkup that there was no heartbeat and “sorry this isn’t a viable pregnancy” and when I went for my procedure they told me that it is “just like an abortion” no it isn’t! This baby was wanted! This baby is already missed! The comparison between the two and the shared name is just stuck a misnomer and so inappropriate and I wad actually offended that the word itself even appeared in my chart. My condolences to every woman who lost one of their angels. They are NOT TISSUE.love to you all

  • kaeloni says:

    Thank you for posting this! I recently had a miscarriage and felt so alone because no one does talk about it! I was looked at strange for counting the baby as a child. I posted a picture on my anniversary saying how greatful I was for my marriage and 4 children, when only 3 were pictured. Many people were confused and didn’t understand. It was my baby and is my baby! Love your blog!

  • Jackie says:

    As someone who has dealt firsthand with a miscarriage, your post is a lovely and very heartfelt sentiment- one that many many women can identify with. I did want to make a comment, however, regarding abortion. Just as it is cruel for “society” to treat the loss of your baby so casually, it is also wrong to assume that just because a woman has had an abortion she feels that it was just “tissue.” I am very close with women who made the decision to terminate with very very heavy hearts. It was not simply tissue, it was a life growing inside of them. They completely understood the implications of what they were doing, and it was not an easy decision to make. Depending on how far along you are, you can make all sorts of assertions as to how much the growing life resembles the baby that will finally be placed in your arms on that wonderful day. Many women who face this difficult decision are sad. They are not happy or casual or “over it” as soon as they leave. They mourn as well. They feel guilt. They feel sadness. They feel loss. It is not easy. No one can walk in your shoes, nor can you walk in another woman’s. We each make our own decisions based on the circumstances we are given. To believe that all women who agree with the right to have or who have had abortions are cold uncaring individuals with no regard for developing life is misguided. Know that those women mourn too.

  • Nicole says:

    I have suffered many a miscarriage. I remember telling people we were expecting only to call them a few weeks later to tell them we’d lost the baby. Not only was that devastating, it was a threat to my emotional well-being.

    Our last miscarriage before we found out the issues, I was placed in a room beside a mom who had just given birth. I asked to be moved, I was told that my “abortion” didn’t allow such. I had to inform the nurse that I miscarried – there is a difference. I too, hadn’t realized that it was now being considered one and the same.

    The two hardest things to deal with was having people say they didn’t believe that I was pregnant – these people were in my family and having a doctor who just didn’t seem to care that a healthy woman shouldn’t have 7 miscarriages.

    Lucky for us, we have 3 beautiful healthy children whom we love and cherish even though they often drive us nuts.

  • Jenn says:

    Thank you so much for writing this! When I miscarried my first child the hardest thin for me to deal with was the silence. People don’t want to talk about it and that’s what hurts the most. I lost a child that I loved, yes there was no memorial or funeral but it was still just as traumatic. Seven years later, I still bring up my child to people. To me its my way of honoring my child, I can’t go to a grave and put flowers on the tombstone, but I can remind people that they did exist and were loved by me.

  • Ashley says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss! I had an abortion almost 16 years ago. By the grace of Christ I have found healing! I now lead a post abortion Bible study to help other women find healing for the hurt their abortions left them with. At the end of our study we have a memorial for the babies, they get to name them & it’s such a huge part of their healing. I had some women who had miscarried & never named or had a memorial because no one ever talks about miscarriage. So I had the honor of setting up a memorial for those who were interested & it was such a blessed time.

    Even before abortion became a huge talking point miscarriage was not talked about. From my understanding its always been something women felt they shouldn’t or couldn’t talk about because it would be “too hard.” That’s what satan wants…he wants us to be silent about things that matter & thing that hurt us. The silence keeps us in bondage to him. By speaking out we allow God to heal us & set us free! An when we speak out, it allows others who are hurting from the same issues to speak out & seek healing.

    Thank you for writing this! Thank you for being a voice of truth! Blessings!!!

  • Russ Gordon says:

    We’ve been advocating for Moms for years on this very issue. Trying to get our culture and the Moms who’ve been indoctrinated into believing a miscarriage is a minor issue and they don’t need to fully grieve or acknowledge the loss. We encourage them to remember their babies, not rush through the process to try to forget. The healing comes through remembering, not by forgetting.

    Thank you for giving this issue a voice.

    Russ Gordon
    Co-Founder
    A Quiet Refuge.

  • Ashley says:

    I just experienced our first miscarriage on May 7th at 8 weeks and it is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. I hope and pray I don’t have to go through that again but my biggest strength was my faith in god. I grieved and cried and had the worst birthday week ever but I knew I had to be strong for not only myself but for my husband and 21 month old daughter. I have a sense of peace because I know that my baby is being held and taken care of my my dad and will be protected until I get there to meet baby. My dad passed away in 2003 and never got to meet his granddaughter and I know he is thrilled to finally be with a grand baby. And I know we will have more children and god has a plan for all of us. It is very comforting to read other peoples stories because this is a topic that people don’t talk about so thank you.

  • Diane Dillard says:

    I had a miscarriage28 years ago and even today I sometimes wonder what my baby would have done thru life had he been born…It is not something I have ever taken lightly or for gotten, Thank God, I had 3 more children after that who have given me a very happy and full life, but the memory and agony of losing my baby has not gone away after all these years and I often think of my “lost” baby! <3

  • Whitney says:

    Thank you for this! I had a miscarriage in July of 2010, it was devastating and I felt like very few people understood. I got so angry listening to doctors talk about my baby like it was nothing. Calling it products of conception was a blow. It hit me harder than I can explain. I just wanted to scream, this is my BABY, this was a life that I desperately wanted, that I desperately love, treat my BABY with respect.

  • Thank you. I’m sorry for your loss. I agree… The world needs to understand the pain of losing a child (not tissue) even if that child is the size of a pea.

  • Bethany says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this! I have walked down this path 4 times now, one time within the last month. I have had people who have never been through it say so many things they feel are comforting, yet they have no idea how much they made the wound deeper. And I read your story- seems like what I could have written.

  • Karen says:

    I, too, had a miscarriage at the young age of 19. I was married at 18, pregnant at 19, and miscarried in week 12. I felt alone when they performed the DNC at the hospital, although I had already experienced the loss of my baby at home earlier. It was all too procedural for the medical team, very cold and impersonal. I remember asking what they were going to do with what was left of my unborn baby and they politely dismissed my broken heart and told me that it would be thrown away. I was silently devastated. I learned years later that I should name my unborn child, realizing he is a saint in heaven, NOT an angel (since angels aren’t given human bodies). I did. His name is Michael.
    Many years have passed since then. I have three adult married children who have given me 9 grandchildren. One of them was miscarried at ~11 weeks. We had heard his heart beat the week before but my Daughter in law felt concerned. When she and the Doctor failed to hear his heartbeat the next week, we realized he had died. All of my emotions from my miscarriage 35 years ago came flooding back to me. I immediately began to feel a stirring inside my heart. I knew that God was calling me to action. I got on the phone to a friend of mine who owns the local funeral home and I called my pastor. I found out that there are funerals and services for unborn children. If we rally for the rights of the unborn because we believe they are truly human beings at the moments of conception, then why aren’t they treated as other human beings at death? I learned that the funeral home director can request the pathologist to release the remains of the baby to the funeral home for burial! I also learned that there is a DNA test available to learn the gender of the baby.
    I quickly and patiently approached my son and daughter-in-law with this information hoping to give them the peace of mind and good closure that I never received. They were open to this and we were able to have a graveside service and burial conducted by our local pastor and provided by our local funeral home. This baby has an official resting place rather than be a part of the “medical waste” where others are sent. While I hope not to upset or offend anyone, it is important to know what options are out there and to share these options with others who may experience this misfortune. We as parents need to research and support the life and dignity of our babies, living and deceased. May God continue to bless us all.

  • KM says:

    I want to say first and foremost that I am sorry for your loss. I am also going to be up front that I am very pro-choice. I can very much accept you distinction between being anti-abortion and being anti-woman. I do understand those to be different things. It saddens me that you feel as though conversations about abortion have damaged the ability to talk about and grieve their miscarriages.Not being able to grieve a loss is tragic. However, I also want to point out that abortion shaming also denies women who have struggle with their decision to terminate. Many women make that gut wrenching decision feeling they have no other options. Not living their lives I cannot begin to know why or how they have come to that decision. I can only support that they knew what was best for themselves and in many cases their families.

    I did find some resources online and I hope that you might find healing in starting a support group for other women who have experienced miscarriages.

    My prayers to you.

  • Tammy says:

    You article is simply amazing…beautiful…and very accurate, certainly for me anyway. We suffered 3 miscarriages, after the birth of our first child, we lost 3, then were finally blessed with another little boy…a child…a life…a miracle…NOT just tissue. I too am pro-life but love and support all people on their journeys through life, and will continue to pray for all who need to find Jesus.

  • Kathryn says:

    I noticed that many of the commenters mentioned they’ve had multiple miscarriages. This is often a sign of the genetic MTHFR defect(s). 35% of the population has it but it’s not widely known or tested. When women with mthfr defect(s) change their diet and make sure they get folate instead of folic acid (synthetic version of the real thing) they can carry a baby to full term. It’s certainly something worth looking into. Dr. Ben Lynch is an excellent resource. I believe his site is mthfr.net he also has a fb page. God bless all of you, I know how disheartening it is to experience a miscarriage.

  • Private says:

    I believe that both women who have had miscarriages and those who have had abortions experience the type of loss that you describe. A woman who had an abortion did not necessarily “not want” her baby nor does she not acknowledge that it would one day become a baby. Having an abortion causes emotional scarring to women ; it may not be the exact same since she chose to end the pregnancy, but she still lost something that was part of her.
    I read the end of your post that you are not seeking to demonize women who have had abortions and I appreciate you including that. I chose to end a pregnancy once when I was very very young and scared. For years I felt guilty and horrible and hated myself. I told no one and had no support because every person I knew would never had understood. I was alone, ashamed and had not a soul to talk to about what was going on in inside. The clinic sent me home much the same your doctor just sent you home, without direction or an idea of what to do next.
    I believe my point is that you would be surprised how many women felt the same feelings you had even if they chose to end the pregnancy. I think it is unfair to state that widespread abortion is the reason you felt unsupported. That lies with your loved ones who should be there for you during that time of loss.

  • Ami says:

    I agree, and yet I don’t… This statement – “That is how abortion has changed the discussion of miscarriage – it has silenced it.” is where I’m hung up. See, miscarriage wasn’t discussed openly 100 years ago, or even 50 years ago, so it wasn’t actually silenced. My grandmother had multiple miscarriages, and NEVER talked about it. It wasn’t until I went through it myself 50 years later that she talked about it with anyone. I was honored to be that one, but also saddened because she never had an opportunity to talk about her babies or process the losses at the time. When I went through my molar pregnancy and miscarriage in 2007, I was able to immediately find resources for support and online communities of women (and men) who were going through or had gone through what I was experiencing.

    My agreement is in the fact that miscarriage isn’t talked about enough yet. It’s a subject that people just don’t want to think about, let alone consider as a reality. It’s up to those of us who have experienced it to talk about it, to present the reality, to share that a miscarriage is a loss – not just of tissue, but of life, of promise, of a child. The medical field with their codes, grouping all into one category, a category that evokes such emotional responses from so many, needs to be made aware just how hurtful that is. I remember the same sorrow when reading the hospital statement – “elective abortion?” No, that baby that I carried for three months was wanted, was loved, was not “electively terminated.” Heck, even the “cluster of tissue” that my molar pregnancy was classified was, in my heart, my baby that was loved and wanted. I saw the ultrasound; there was no resemblance or identifying features that made it a baby, but once I saw that positive on the pregnancy test, plans and dreams for that baby were there.

  • Wendy says:

    Thank you! I still have tears… Our first miscarriage was after Amanda. It was an “infected” miscarriage at 12 weeks and I ended up in the hospital for a D&C. I was told that I could have died, but all went well and I would still be able to have more children. We then had Kyle, who has been in heaven for 25 years now, he lived 40 minutes. We were then blessed with Nathaniel, less than a year later. Our plan of 3 children, 2 years apart, now was 4 years apart. We then had another miscarriage at 9 weeks. Nine years later, after Amanda, we were blessed with Christa. What really hurts, even to this day, is when the health care professionals ask if the pregnancy was wanted. More tears…God has now blessed us with a beautiful granddaughter.

  • Cindy says:

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It has been many years since my last miscarriage, but there is hardly a day when I don’t think about my lost babies.

  • Kendra says:

    The exact same thing happened to me. Just when I was starting to heal, I had to hear those words – like it was MY CHOICE for my child to die???? I had to go around and around with the insurance company until the coding got corrected. A horrible, horrible experience. I am so sorry you had to experience the same thing.

  • Amber B. says:

    Thank you so much for this post. You have really touched me with your acknowledgement of my baby. Since my miscarriage in 2007, I am now forced to write or check “abortion” on all OBGYN paperwork, and it kills me every time.

    My job, at the time, scorned me for taking a week off from work to recover from our Memorial Day weekend loss. We were devastated. My boss had the nerve to tell me “It was for the best. I wouldn’t have wanted that baby anyways. Our bodies know best.” I had some horrible things said to me, and others pretended like nothing ever happened. Like we weren’t ever even pregnant. Sure, it was a brief pregnancy – I was only 8 weeks. But I had found out at 5 weeks along, so for 3 weeks I knew I was carrying a child. I had heard the heartbeat just 2 days prior to my loss. Now, every Memorial Day weekend I quietly morn the loss of my child, while everyone else acts like I only have three children, instead of four.

    Thank you.

  • Bren says:

    My dear Aunt E. shared with me that she had miscarried a child between her 2nd & 3rd child. She hadn’t told anyone. Her husband was the only one who ever knew. The only reason she spoke to me about it years later, is that I was sharing my miscarriage story with her. She is the only one who ever understood my pain & sorrow about it. My mother & sister both were very cold about it, mother even said that it was God’s way of getting rid of imperfect children. My husband even agreed with the doctor that it was just a bunch of tissue, not really a baby. My baby would be 33 now. I miss my baby, this year, I woke up at midnight & didn’t understand why until I realized it was the birthday of my child. But, years before this experience, I had an abortion. As I have since found out, Planned Parenthood Counselors told all of their terrified clients that it was just a wad of tissue. They stressed that it was a quick & easy procedure. My boyfriend was all for it. I was frightened of telling my parents. Also, at that time, girls had to quit school as we weren’t allowed to be around other students. It was a decision I made out of fear, not having anyone reliable to talk it over with, I was completely overwhelmed. I wanted to back out the day of the procedure, but my boyfriend wouldn’t let me. I regretted it immediately and every moment of my life since. I tried to commit suicide 4 months later. To this day I don’t discuss that period of my life. I have researched a baby’s development in the womb & am heartsick at my choice. My hope is like so many others I have read about here, instead of judging, can’t we all come together & support each other? We have all survived a similar pain, & have a view of this pain others don’t know. Can’t we step up & help ou sisters step up? I have lost a child through miscarriage & abortion and grieve each baby the same.

  • Grace says:

    My miscarriage was 36 years ago and I am still pained when I think of the loss. No memorial, nothing to designate the life that was there. But to me, she will always be Jennifer.

  • laurin says:

    Thank you. When I lost my first baby and was sent home with the papers saying threatend abortion I was mad. I was mad because to me it seamed lime they were doing nothing to help me. I was mad because to me it was as if they were saying that I wanted to kill a life that I wantes to keep alive. To them it seamed as if my baby did not matter. And now 6 years latter I still feel the pain over the one I lost I still have the papers they gave me frome both visits I now have 3 wonderful kids but the loss of one never seams to leave. it is always there. Would it chang how I feel if they would have had more compassion maybe.

  • Melissa says:

    I have had 4 miscarriages and I had an abortion. am I against abortion? Yes. But I still made that choice :'( (yes, I was on birthcontrol…even got pregnant twice after having my tubes tied) I agree with a previous comment…the important thing is that ALL women come together to shed light on what its really like to lose an unborn child… Aborted or miscarried…because the truth is the issue. Not ‘us’ vs ‘them’. It is WE !!! And no one tells the truth about abortion either…through Jesus Christ alone, I have recently found the courage to grieve the loss of my aborted child and to work hard at forgiving myself. I have walked around, unknowingly, completely hollow for the last 8 years and too guilty to grieve any other loss in my life….I would like to see all women finally come together for all women!! That is hope, to me :)

  • Marie says:

    I spent years trying to get pregnant and lost 3 babies. It was not a real baby to my husband and I felt like I suffered alone. It almost tore my marriage apart. If God had not been with me and some of my family, I think I would have lost my mind. I was told things that I had to do or not do by my boss who had no clue what I was feeling and which made me even angrier (like discuss everything with others and answer any questions they had – really?!). I am thankful that I am blessed by a Son that I finally was able to have. I know from experience that there are countless people in constant pain from losing a child or not being able to conceive. I was fortunate enough to go to an infertility specialist and have it paid for. I went for years and never saw the same person twice (which is mind boggling to me). I talk about it with people but have always felt like it was something I was supposed to hide. I have only recently told my Son that he has siblings in Heaven (after he kept asking for a Brother). Thank you for writing this. It has opened my eyes to things I hadn’t thought of.

  • deaisme says:

    I understand the heartbreak of losing your child and the mistake the hospital made was horrendous. But abortion hasn’t affected how society views miscarriages – if anything there is MORE support for mothers with this kind of loss than there ever has been in history. Granted, that still is not saying much for someone going through it, because the loss is still going to be a more hidden one than the death of a viable child or an adult. The staff doesn’t think to call the hospital chaplain to help in this time of need. And few people mentally prepare for this sort of loss, so they are not ready to ask the hospital if they can see the fetus or if they can dispose of it through funeral arrangements rather than the hospital’s system. There are pre-natal loss groups out there – if there is not one in your area, it is time to create one – for your sake and that of other parents going through the same thing.

  • cindy white says:

    Very well said!
    Thank you!!
    I have had 5 pregnancies, and 5 out of 6 births.
    I was carrying twins this last time and one did not grow. I felt so strongly in my first trimester that we would be having twins!
    My husband just smiled.
    At our 20 week routine ultra sound I found my self profoundly disappointed that their appeared to be only one child, my husband just smiled.

    My fifth pregnancy was the hardest physically . I was told after 4 subsequent ultra sounds, that I had double the amniotic fluid and literally had to be put on bed rest the last month.
    After tons of amniotic fluid and the birth of our son , I delivered not one placenta but two!! And then I felt some pangs, relief that I had known all along and then some questions. To which the doctor smiled and said that it was just good luck. That comment has bothered me for 19 years as I felt he answered flippantly and dismissive. For some reason reading your article has made me feel better about this situation, vindicated somehow that i did have a baby who I felt had been there when no one else did. Thank you again for sharing your experience and insight.

  • Jennifer says:

    I cannot even imagine the pain of losing a child so disagreeing with this is very uncomfortable. But I have to do it. Women have been seen as second class citizens for about as long as society has been civilized. Miscarriage has always been something not discussed, not mourned. In most cultures it has been seen as the woman’s ‘fault’. Especially in societies where a male heir is required. My mother and aunts never discussed the children that should have been there. I always assumed because it was simply too painful. As I grew up I realized it was because we are taught to move on to the next child and not to take it in too deeply because you can always have another baby. This isn’t something that started with abortion. It is something that has always been there. Something every woman in a patriarchal society lives with.

  • My heart goes out to you. I, too, had a miscarriage years ago. My son and daughter-in-law experienced the death of their stillborn baby son. Both a miscarriage and stillbirth are traumatic. I wrote an article about my grandson’s stillbirth because I know so many women have experienced these terrible losses. If you go to my website and click on “Freelance” you will see my article – Talking to William. It was difficult to write but needed to be written – my way of acknowledging the grandson I would never hold.

  • Kari says:

    Like you, we had a miscarriage. I had to fill out paperwork at another doctor’s office months later. When I put the miscarriage on my medical history, I was mortified when the doctor asked me when I had my abortion. I explained that I had never had an abortion and she explained that is what they call a miscarriage in the medical profession. I was horrified as I explained to her that I never wanted to hear her use that word to describe the loss of my babies ( I had been pregnant with twins). She abided by my request but you could tell she thought I was being ridiculous!

  • Amanda says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I have had two miscarriages just this year and find that many women grieve silently because they don’t know who to turn to. I actually did a research study and published the results along with resource links for men and women going through a miscarriage as well as resources for people who love them: http://amandaholdsworth.blogspot.com/2014/04/women-turn-to-social-media-and-online.html.

  • Myndee says:

    I am so sorry you had to endure a miscarriage. I, too, know the pain of pregnancy loss. I do not, however, think the legalization of abortion is the reason people do not talk about miscarriage. It is hard. It is heavy. It is painful, and in our society when people do not know what to say, they often say nothing at all. Miscarriage was not something discussed much before Roe vs. Wade. I also understand what you are saying- to me, two pink lines equals a baby, but regarding the legality of personhood and what it means and could do to a pregnant woman makes me, a Jesus loving Christian, “pro-choice”; It doesn’t necessarily mean I want people to have abortions (neither do most people who consider themselves pro-choice; most agree it is a painful decision to make). It means I want to own my body at all times and be able to make all medical decisions regarding my care even when I’m pregnant. I fear if we lose the legal option to abort a pregnancy, women like you and I may be investigated and brought up on murder charges over our miscarriages. I’m not saying this to change your mind, or anyone’s for that matter, I just see it differently. Thank you for sharing your story; I do hope it brings comfort to others.

  • Sharida says:

    I have had 5 miscarriages, given birth to six, and one that was suppose to been a twin that didn’t finish developing fully. Two of my miscarriages was boys fully developed, but miscarried 12 weeks. It is a hard thing to go through and I am so against abortion and those who are in favor of abortion. I feel bad for the women that have had an abortion, because I feel a lot of them were not fully educated on how much alive their baby was inside them.

  • Carmelina M.Connole says:

    Sometimes spontaneous miscarriages can happen because of a weak cervix! This happened to my sister. When she went to an obgyn that specialized, she ended up having 3 beautiful girls!!!
    I just had to let you know, about that condition of the cervix!

  • Erin says:

    Thank you. You put this so thoroughly and so well. We lost our son when I was 22 weeks. We were lucky to get to hold him and bury him. I have a grave site to visit, a place to connect with him when he feels very far away. If you ask me how many kids I have, my answer will be four. One is an angel. The others are wild monkeys. All stole my heart. <3

  • Suszannedr says:

    I had 3. Miscarriages and each one broke my heart…….but nothing destroyed me more than my second one when I was sent home from emergency with a dr.note to come back Monday for a D & C due to a spontaneous abortion. That word abortion rips at your very soul.

  • Amy M says:

    Thanks for your article. I have had 3 baby losses and all have given me immense pain, sadness and grief. One was a miscarriage my body terminated at home at 11 weeks. One was found no heartbeat at 16 weeks where my body did not terminate and I elected to have a D&C. The last was a stillbirth at 28 weeks that I had to deliver. I don’t believe as a previous commentor that the loss at 11 weeks was just a zygote and therefore not as big a loss as a stillborn. I have been deeply impacted by all my losses and to me they are all the same. I have had 3 lost babies that I wanted badly. It is my belief that they are all in heaven waiting for me. A loss is a loss no matter what stage the loss happens. A persons a person no matter how small.

  • Michele says:

    Thank you for writing this as it opens up a discussion that is long over due. I am not sure if abortion has silenced voices of those who have suffered a miscarriage, but there definately is a inconsistancy of thought regarding the two.

    I think women’s issues revolving around reproduction / pregnancy have always been hush-hush, taboo. The legalities of abortion has brought it to the forefront, it is discussed by many; not just in the homes of those having to make that decision. Everyone feels free to discuss why they are for it or against it. The main focus being on the value that is placed on the fetus/baby. I have learned over the years that this is not a discussion that is ever going to be won.

    This is where I do think you have it right. The constant use of the word fetus / uterine contents / fetal matter (even though scientifically accurate) has desensitized many to the fact that a life, a human life has been lost. This does carry over to those that suffer loss due to a miscarriage. It is hard to reconcile that what is considered life in one instance is somehow less than life in another all based on feelings. It either is or it isn’t. Science / biology is consistant. Either all abortions involved the loss of a human life, or all miscarriages wasn’t the loss of human life, given accepted perimeters.

    I have 3 children here on Earth who I adore. I also have one child whom I lost at 12 weeks. I was devastated when I learned what I had already suspected, my baby was gone. I had hopes and dreams already in place for him or her. I was lucky though, I did have a network of support to whom I could turn. We got together and had a small celebration of the life he/she did have. We made a collage of all the symphathy cards I received and two of the best ultrasound pictures I did have. This collage hangs in my hallway to this day. My living children know that they have a sibling who is not with us.

    It would be confusing to turn around and try to explain to them that in some instances or circumstances their ‘sibling’ was no more than some tissue with little to no value. And let’s be honest, even though that is not how all who agree with abortion feel about the fetus/baby – many use that logic. I have heard it time and time again.

  • toya says:

    I saw this article on Facebook I know how you feel I lost my first baby and everyone in the ER made my pregnancy out to be just a “oh well” experience or just try again. it was very hard for me to hear these remarks from strangers who took my tragedy traumatic experience as basically a not a big deal sort of situation. one physician assistant said just go home and pass it and when I had to have a removal of the “tissue” my baby it tore me apart because just the week before I saw on the sonogram the heart flickering as it beat and beat then this week I am having the baby removed! took me so long before I was back to what I could as a “normal” activities. this was traumatize by far of anything I have ever endured not only for me but my spouse also. id never wish for any women to go through this and the fact that women choose to do this blows my mind.

  • Pia says:

    Thank you for these words. My husband and I excitedly started trying to get pregnant last fall (2013), and we couldn’t believe it when we got a positive result right away. Fast forward three months and we found ourselves sitting in an ultrasound room contemplating the words “molar pregnancy.” There was no fetal development at all, and instead a placenta that had grown like cysts. I had a d&c that day and while we did not really lose a physical baby, we had to let go of all those ideas and dreams we had thought of in those months. Two months later I was told that the placental tissue was not going away on its own, and instead had turned into cancer. I’ve gone through 3 months of chemotherapy and am now clean, but it has been a heartbreaking time for us as we deal with the repercussions of my treatment and the possibility that getting pregnant again could be difficult. In some ways I look at other women who have had miscarriages, and I have a hard time because I can’t help but think, “you have no idea what I’ve been through! Don’t even compare your experience to mine!” But I keep reminding myself that it must be different to lose a baby with a heartbeat and little fingers. I can’t imagine the depth of that hurt, as different as it has been from mine. Your words are a wonderful reminder of that. Bless you!

  • Aimee Pister says:

    when I made a comment about the ‘spontaneous ABORTION”, I was told it didn’t matter because I wasn’t really pregnant. Needless to say, I walked away. That was in 1981. To this day I have a hole in my heart that will never heal. It does get easier, however, it never goes away. I have a living locket with not only my living children’s birthstones, I also have my angels birthstone in it. I have also named my baby because I wanted and looked forward to caring for that child. I have found an organization here in my state that is for people that have miscarried and/or lost a child. Balloons for Babies has a face book page and meets once a month and once a year we release balloons for our babies. I hope that you can find or start a chapter in your town.

  • sue Freesen says:

    Our miscarriage 28 years ago had God’s fingerprints all over it. A long story, but in brief, our baby was born at @ 13 weeks gestation in the emergency room of a small Midwestern hospital. The doctor caring for me was one of the only abortionists in that area. And he witnessed a miracle! Our baby was born on the examination table. He was a boy and he was born ALIVE! My husband and l had the amazing opportunity to hold him in the palm of our hands, pray for him, and name him (while he kicked his tiny feet and waved his precious hands)! He was responding to touch for at least 5 minutes (time sort of stood still!) And our abortionis doctor witnessed it all!There are numerous other stories of how God used this very short life to minister to many people, and still does as the story is re-told. God does use our pain to His glory!

  • auggie says:

    The worst is those secularists who simultaneously downplay miscarriage and mock faith by scathingly saying that “your God apparently causes miscarriage and ‘abortion’ all the time.” Paragon of compassion, that. No, the beating heart that was stilled in the womb was not just a “dream.” It was a young, growing child with a beating heart. As long as women who suffer this way are treated patronizingly as sentimental dreamers, they suffer alone. Technology has opened our eyes to great wonders that we can appreciate, but sometimes it also opens our eyes to greater tragedies. If we can rejoice in the former, we should also be able to mourn with the latter.

  • Carla says:

    I am a post abortive mother. I grieve my daughter everyday. 23 years ago I didn’t know then what I know now.

    I miscarried my second child into my hand at 10 weeks and KNEW what my abortion had done to my first child. I was overcome. I miscarried another baby as well.

    My daughter who died in my abortion is named Aubrey. My child that I held in my hand is named Jamie and the other precious one is named Lee. They are part of my life. Part of my story and I love them all. I long for the day I will hold them in heaven.

    THANK YOU for the bold truth you proclaim! Abortion kills an innocent preborn human being and wounds her mother.

    THANK YOU for being so very gentle with my heart in this blog post. You were loving and kind with my heart and the hearts of post abortive women who face condemnation and hatred from so many.

    God bless you!!

  • Tae says:

    Thank you so much for writing this.. i have no words other than thank you for expressing something i never found words for. <3

  • What a wonderful blog! I am not married and have never been pregnant, but this blog strikes a nerve because my mother had a miscarriage during her fourth and last pregnancy. There would have been a second baby boy, totaling to two boys and two girls, but instead, something I don’t quite understand happened and my mother miscarried the baby. Meanwhile, her loving sister-in-law and the woman who would have been the doting aunt, shared with all the world that my mother had had an abortion. Knowing her as an adult now, I’m sure he did it on purpose. In the Christian community, especially 20+ years ago, abortion would have been a MAJOR taboo so that’s the kind of gossip that kills. Loss of life IS devastating as you unfortunately know. It’s devastating when you wanted a child and considered what was in your growing belly to be God-given, human life. It’s devastating when we who recognize an unborn child as just that watch someone have one and two and three abortions. But apparently those who are pro-abortion–unless they slip up or simply don’t care–have no intention of referring to an unborn child as an unborn until they “decide” it is a life. And according to Peter Singer, even a born child should not be determined as, in fact, living, until and if the parents “decide” the child is living. We live in a sick world. I realise I’m rambling, but this post just struck a major cord. Excellent post.

  • C says:

    I think it’s not just “abortion” that changes the way we talk about miscarriage, but the attitudes we have about it. I say this because I’ve been very interested in these topics while living in Japan. There are shrines dedicated to aborted and miscarried babies. Parents who have lost a child can buy small statues that represent those who were lost, and they’ll come and bring it gifts, little red aprons and hats in the winter. Here, it is the same issue. Both abortion and miscarriage are worthy of mourning.

    And I think they’re allowed this freedom to mourn because abortion is so widely available. There isn’t a rabid, raging debate going on over it. It’s not “those who support abortion are anti-life, and those who don’t support it are anti-choice.” Abortion is recognized as a hard, hard choice. There isn’t emotional distancing over calling things “tissue.” They recognize personhood, and when they choose an abortion, they do so while weighing the idea that it is, indeed, a baby they are giving up.

    In the states, a woman who aborts her child and then shows grief is going to get a big fat “I told you so” from other people. Her allegiance to her political beliefs may come into question. To recognize grief is to admit wrongness. So in the states, there’s this big fat artificial push against grief, where women have to insist they felt nothing, feel nothing, regret nothing. While in Japan, grief is seen as a natural reaction to any loss, even if the person feels they made the right choice.

    I’m not saying it’s perfect. Japan has a history of infanticide, in which case it’s pretty impossible to deny that you’re choosing to kill a baby. There are also many who believe in reincarnation, and so giving up the baby is more an issue of not being the one to raise it, but it’ll get another chance. I don’t know how widely either issue is talked about. I suspect that a lot stays secret, but there is still a place to go. There is a place to mourn and pay respects, and ask forgiveness.

    All in all, what I’ve learned, is that mourning both miscarriage and abortion can indeed exist together, but it takes a society less interested in fighting, or making every issue seem like it’s black and white, good vs evil. Which is why I really appreciate your final comments on this article.

  • Tammy says:

    I’m so glad you shared this. You’re right, people don’t really talk about this much.
    I agree that when you miscarry, you’re just sent home expected to go on like nothing happened.
    I had a miscarriage almost 25 years ago (wow didn’t realize it until now) on July 4th. So that day is always a reminder. We already had 3 sons, the 3rd was born 6 weeks early. I wanted a daughter desperately. I still remember the miscarriage like it was yesterday. One horrible thing happened in that situation. The ultrasound tech was drunk & upset that he’d been called away from his 4th of July party and kept pressing on my belly really hard trying to find the baby, then spouts off out loud “are you sure she’s even pregnant? I can’t find anything”.
    Long story short, I passed the baby within an hour, I actually saw it and it looked just like the pictures you see of a 12 week pregnancy.
    About 10 years ago, I felt that it was a boy and that I should name him, so I named him Jeremiah Daniel.
    A couple of months after the miscarriage I became pregnant, and started having premature labor at 5 months. Thankfully I carried our daughter to full term. It’s strange to think that if I hadn’t miscarried then I wouldn’t have her today.
    I remember feeling so empty afterwards like I was in a fog. I remember thinking “this has to be the same way women feel who have an elected abortion”. There was a real sense of “loss of life”.
    I too had well meaning people try to say things to encourage me. Some said inappropriate things that really made me angry. I have been able to minister to other women who are experiencing the same pain of a miscarriage over the years.
    Time has eased the pain. I always remember on the 4th of July and during other occasions as well. I know that we will all see him in heaven one day.
    We lost a Grandaughter to stillbirth 8 years ago at 32 weeks gestation. Our son and daughter-in-law went to their regular ob appt. and the Dr. didn’t hear a heartbeat and sent them over to the hospital. They said the baby had likely been dead for about a week already. They had to induce her to deliver the baby. That was a very painful experience as well.
    I wanted to add that my husband experienced pain & grieving as well during all of this.
    Keep on sharing and encouraging others.

  • Amber says:

    It’s though you have put my thought in black and white. I struggled for many months to say I had a miscarriage and not use the word abortion. I knew the heartbeat was gone, I knew I would not hold my child on Earth, but I fought against the word. Why? I went to the hospital pregnant, and left not pregnant. My church family and those that have suffered the loss before helped. For those that have been blessed to not feel that pain, they still struggle to understand that my child is still on my mind 4 years later. Thank you for putting a voice to our loss.

  • Anonymous says:

    I have to be honest and tell you that I have never had a miscarriage, but my husband and I have been trying for over a year now and I have just now begun treatments to try and help us have a baby. And I honestly can’t explain to you why but this line:

    Because if they call ours babies…

    Then all the of the aborted ones… were babies too…

    This line literally made me start bawling as soon as I read it. I cannot understand the heartache and the loss you have felt. You lost a child and our society refuses to acknowledge that loss. My prayers, and thanks, go out to you for having the courage to stand up and share this. Thank you so much.

  • Laura says:

    This story takes me back to my miscarriage with ex. I knew I was pregnant for a week and half before I called the dr was told Monday I was pregnant after being told I would never conceive and after trying for a two years. So you can imagine how precious my little one was. My one day of complete happiness was quickly vanished when I woke up Tuesday with intense pain….I miscarried. I was very depressed for a long time. Later that year I ended up pregnant again with my now bbeautiful 6 month old daughter. She is my everything and I will always morn tge loss of my other baby. The one thing that upset me was when ppl would say but u never lost a child. Oh yes I have. Maybe my child wasnt here in this sad world but it was apart of me. It still hurts to think some ppl dont consider the ppl who have miscarried to have never lost a child. It will always hurt and we will never forget those beautiful angels in the sky.

  • Karley says:

    I am currently experiencing losing my sweet baby #2 due to miscarriage. I was moved by your article and thought you may like to see my testimony. :)
    I have felt convicted to write this for some time now, but always opted out. Anyone who knows me knows that I have always been a Christian, but 9/29/2010 my life did a complete 180- Ryder Kane Duhon was born! Like I said I’ve always been a Christian, but I’ve never truly ‘wanted’ to be a follower of Christ- because to be quite honest, it wasn’t fun. Drinking, socializing and being a rebel was way too fun to stop! That is until those big black eyes started watching my every move. When Ryder was 8 days old I rededicated my life to The Lord. There is no greater task for me than to live a Godly life and set a good example for my boy-to do my part to make sure he goes to Heaven. It is not always fun and it is certainly not easy, but as a parent his blood is on my hands and it’s a sacrifice that I am honored to make. As if that wasn’t enough reason to live right… Most of you do not know that Chris and I were blessed with another baby! A baby to be born 11/24/14-a thanksgiving angel! At 10wks pregnant my world was turned upside down when I was told ‘what you have is a baby without a heart beat?’ WHAT? Not me? I don’t lose babies. I have prayed for a healthy body to host baby #2 for three years before we ever even got pregnant! I prayed that this baby grows and thrives everyday! It has a heartbeat because I’ve seen it! Regardless of what I said or how I felt the harsh reality was our sweet baby #2 was with Jesus. And friends can I tell you- it a a cruel joke to look and feel so very pregnant when you are not. After the initial shock wore off- I was ANGRY. I was angry with God. Why on Earth would this happen? Why would I even get pregnant if I wouldn’t be able to ever kiss my precious baby? I felt like I covered all my bases for this baby- praying fervently for it, but it didn’t work. God said, ‘not right now Karley.’ I was in desperate and dyer need to change my attitude with God and feel some peace about this. In the past week- since this ordeal began I have searched the Bible, websites and pleaded with prayer for relief. A dear friend sent me a card that said ‘Love: And to think when their little eyes opened the first thing they saw was the face of Jesus.’ Hold up. You’re right God- my baby isn’t a ‘fetus’ or ’tissue’ as I heard a 100 times through this grueling process! It’s my child, or rather Gods child, that has already started its eternity in Heaven. After absorbing all of this- I have had an overwhelming peace. Don’t get me wrong- it is the most physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting thing that has ever happened to me, but I am a tough ole country girl.
    With the love of God, my amazing husband, family and precious son- I will make it! Again, I struggled with sharing this- I’m not the biggest fan of Facebook Gospel. I have a heart for babies and children- so if this helps a parent out there set a more Godly example for their children- and ultimately get to spend an eternity with them in Heaven- then I’m honored to have swallowed my pride and shared this.
    All this to say- I am so blessed that God loves me enough to still welcome me back with open arms after living a life that I know was disgusting to him, after doubting him and being so angry with him! He loved me enough to grab me by the heart and hand, reminding me why I’m here. To live my life for Him. To love my amazing husband and my precious son- and do all that I can to make sure we all spend an eternity together in Heaven. That’s not all- as an added bonus I have the most precious baby #2 waiting for me in Heaven! I can not wait to kiss that precious face for an eternity! If you have made it through this, then congratulations! You have made it through my first ever REALLY public testimony. Please pray for my sweet little family- as I know the pain isn’t over, but we’ll be just fine.

  • Leslie says:

    We too lost a baby about 5 years ago. He was 14 weeks when I delivered him. When I called my dr, she told me that often people think they deliver a baby, but it is usually just a clump of cells. We took our fully formed, 4 inch baby to her to prove that is was indeed a life. We were “fortunate” enough to be able to take pictures and bury him. We named him Jake. I am sorry for your loss and grieve with you and am saddened by the insensitivity of others.

  • Shelly says:

    The problem with addressing miscarriage (along with everything else) is that everyone is different. I had a miscarriage at 18 weeks about 6 years ago. Everyone felt the need to tell me they were sorry for my loss. But to me it didn’t feel like a loss. I wanted the baby, so I felt the pregnancy had been a waste of time, but I didn’t feel I had really lost anything. I never met the baby, didn’t know its personality. So what was there to miss? I can understand your position on it being a loss of hope, a loss of a future child. But I still cannot relate to the heartache and consequently have a difficult time being truly empathetic.

  • Kelsey Apley says:

    I personally have had a miscarriage as well. I know exactly what you are talking about. I would have been beyond furious if I would have got a letter calling it an elective abortion, that is absolutely HORRIBLE!!! Everything you said is spot on, I think of our baby all the time and wonder what it would have been, a girl or a boy. What milestones would the baby be at today, walking talking, what personality traits would be of me and my husband. I agree, miscarriage is hard, and it is a loss of a child!!

  • annette @ a net in time says:

    Part of the miscarriage issue is that it has never been really talked about. I learned that through the two I had. Several seniors expressed sorrow and were surprised that we talked about it as it just wasn’t done to do so (in their day).

    Not saying the abortion issue doesn’t play a role, as it does. Just saying it goes bigger.

  • Phil says:

    My wife and I lost ours at 8 weeks on April 1 this year. We’ve dealt with lots of well-meaning *Christians* who have comforted us with “It’s all in God’s timing”, “Be patient and trust in God”, and “Don’t worry, you’ll be a parent one day soon.” They seem to miss the point that we lost a child and we are grieving over a human life. We had tried for and prayed for a pregnancy for over a year and were elated and scared and frantic when we got our positive test. We saw and heard the heartbeat. It was a child. Our child. And when we no longer heard a heartbeat we knew that we had lost a family member.

    I certainly agree that the discussion about miscarriage doesn’t seem to match the occurrence of miscarriages, and a massive group of grieving women and men feel they are not understood, even ostracized for their tragedy. The conversation about human life must change. People need to come together to comfort and lift up these would-be mothers and fathers, just as they do for victims of any tragedy.

    Thank you for this post. It is an encouragement to us to know we’re not alone in those thoughts.

  • Marianne Abell says:

    I have a very intense connection with these words this woman has put forward for us. I always tell people the moment I’m pregnant. People tell me it is foolish because “what if you miscarry?” If I miscarry, I should have my friends and family around me to console me and care for me in my time of need. I should NOT be made to feel that it should be kept a secret like most abortions are. Lets take back the discussion, Mothers! My miscarriage is something that I carry with me and floats through my life to be relived when I least expect. I cried for for my baby today when I read this. She was my first baby and I won’t be told to forget her. Every time I go to the doctor on post I am asked to fill out a medical history. On it they ask how many live births and how many abortions (elective or spontaneous) I have had. It is an affront to my motherhood and I cross through it every time to write MISCARRIAGE. I was treated so very poorly during my miscarriage when I was living in Germany. The emotional drain on me as a mother was horrible and telling someone in that state that it’s no big deal is OBVIOUSLY not a highly evolved decision that our medical professional make, but it happens TOO often.

  • Ingrid says:

    I am so very sorry for each and every woman who has suffered a miscarriage. I was 40 years old when I got pregnant for my first child and lost him at 4 months. It was devastating for me. At the same time I was losing my father to a horrible battle with cancer. I lost our baby and 6 weeks later lost my father. I was grieving the loss of my father so much that I didn’t grieve my son until much later. When I realized that I had never healed from losing my son was a very rude awakening!! I had always wanted children for all of my life but did not find the man of my dreams until late in life. So getting pregnant right away was such a gift!! I was elated. After I had the miscarriage I went to spend the day with my dad in the hospital. As we were visiting about our loss , I asked him once he was in heaven to find our son and tell him we loved and missed him terribly and also to ask God to send us another baby. He most definitely did, because 5 years later we had a beautiful gift from God that arrived on my dad’s birthday!! Her name is MacKenzi and is the most amazing gift that God could have ever sent us! She is such a blessing in so many ways. So please everyone who has had a miscarriage know that God has a plan for you!! My dad reminded me that God does things in his time not in mine.That I should be patient and wait for God to answer our prayers in one way or another. Please know that you are all in my prayers daily. I still miss my son. He would have been 18 this coming November. I know that God is taking care of him but as you know I often wonder if he would have loved sports as much as our daughter or would love horses like she and her dad do. When I see them riding together and talking I envision our son riding on the other side of them with a big smile on his face. It is comforting for me to imagine those pictures in my mind and in my heart. ya’ll take care!!

  • Amanda says:

    I think you are on the right track for one possible reason why people are reticent to talk about miscarriage now a days, but not why it has been a taboo subject for hundreds of years. I think that historically the roots of women’s silence about miscarriage stems from society placing their value in bearing children. To have a miscarriage was seen as a failure. Also all things to do with pregnancy were hidden from the public eye. If you think of history in a broad sense, we really aren’t all that many generations removed from the Victorian times and even the conservatism of say the 1950s. Yes then the abortion issue came along and made things even more complicated. But I don’t think that there ever was a time at least in western civilization where miscarriage has been openly discussed much. Of course I’m not as familiar with eastern civilizations but I really can’t imagine that to be the case either. Also, I know many women who are very pro-life who don’t want to discuss it openly just because it is very personal or they don’t want to be pitied. They want to deal with their grief privately. Also, when you have older children as well, it can be very painful for them to deal with the grief of miscarriages. My own mother experienced multiple miscarriages after she had 4 kids, some farther along requiring a D and C. I was the oldest. My sister and I had more of an idea of what was going on. It was especially difficult for my sister. For that reason I usually share my pregnancy news with just adult family and a few very close friends till the tenth or 12th week. I’ve had 2 miscarriages that my children weren’t aware of at the time and I’m glad they weren’t. I do agree however that miscarriage should be more openly shared if you are in the right circumstances to do so. I think it is great to do tributes to lost lives. I have found it wonderfully comforting to share my own grief with others. We should let it be known that it is NOT just tissue not a precious life!

  • Melissa says:

    I had the same experience with my first miscarriage. I was going over the hospital bill and it said the same thing. My heart dropped into my stomach. I couldn’t believe that it was billed this way and that in my mine, paying the bill was agreeing that this is what had happened. I made many phone calls and inquired as to why this had to be how it was worded. My heart goes out to you. While mine happened 18 years ago, I still felt those feeling when I read your story.

  • Bethany says:

    I just want you to know that I LOVE this article. I, myself, have had a miscarriage. Mine was an “unexpected, out of wedlock” pregnancy, and I was not in any way ready for a child. But, after seeing those two pink lines, while I was scared to death, I was ready to take on the responsibility of raising a baby. But, I did not get the opportunity. Found out during an ultrasound that there was no heart beat. I was devastated. I mourned. Thank God, He decided to give me another chance at motherhood though. My child, again, was unexpected (with the same guy, my longtime boyfriend), but she is the best thing that ever happened to me. She has made me grow up and be “childlike” at the same time. These abortion enthusiast only say that abortion is a “great choice” to make themselves feel better about being selfish. They will answer for their actions one day. In the meantime, you are in my thoughts and prayers. :)

  • Tamarah Goggans says:

    I am in my late 50’s. I still cry when I think of the children that I never got to nurture. When people ask how many children I have I feel so conflicted. The inquirer doesn’t want the discomfiture that comes with hearing I have miscarried children – it seems as if I am committing a social breach. It’s a real conversation killer when I tell them 9 here on earth and 9 with the Lord. But to not include those not here with me seems like betrayal of the children the Lord gave me – like they never were or they don’t and never did matter. This pressure to not acknowledge those lives, however short, is so harmful to those who were joyously awaiting their births. This compulsory silence contributes to devaluing human life as sacred, precious, and worthy of honor. This, in turn, contributes to all the atrocities we see snowballing in severity and frequency in our culture.
    By God’s mercy, my husband and I have taken a different path.
    I hemorrhaged badly after my first miscarriage. My husband rushed me to the hospital. They wanted to do a blood transfusion. This was during the time when AIDS was still in the blood supply and we were not willing to transfuse unless I was truly going to die without one. The doctor took the baby and accompanying tissue to examine it. They kept me under observation all night and into the next day and when they reluctantly released me, we were exhausted, depleted, and I was terribly weak. As we were pulling onto the road in front of the hospital, it hit me. I left my baby back there! I irrationally started to crawl over the back of the seat to get back. My husband calmed me, told me there was nothing to do about it, that our priority was taking care of me. I took my recuperation time to study scripture, to discuss with my husband what I had read, and to think through how to think about this. We knew no one who had had a miscarriage that spoke openly about it. God was so loving to give me this time. I really wrapped my mind around “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.” as a comfort, not a callous, high-handed abuse of an immature, unsophisticated deity. I realized from David’s writing how my Micah was blessed by never seeing the troubles of this world. I embraced life, sin, and loss as a cycle of this life mercifully broken in the next and the portal was death – a reprehensible abomination initiated started with sin but which our loving Father redeemed to in order to “work all things together for the good of those who love the Lord.” This kept us from being obsessive and consumed with our loss. We decided to name the baby a gender neutral name since we didn’t know the gender. We honored him with the same pattern we used to name our other children: first name after a Biblical character to emulate and then a family member to model themselves after. We wanted to commemorate his existence and grieved that there was no obvious way to do so. This was resolved when we put his name on the grave marker for the triplets we lost several years later.
    During the time the triplets were dying one by one, people were so kind with meals and rides to medical appointments. They ministered to us with cards, flowers, visits, and meals when Enoch, the last one to to die, was stillborn at 19 weeks. On the advice of a local funeral home director we shopped for his “casket” and picked out a grave stone, carefully considering the wording in light of the preciousness of the lives there inscribed in this abortion age. We gathered hymnals, shovels, and concrete to set the marker. All this was cathartic as we were getting to do something for this child we had never had a chance to tend to in any other way. We took his body to the family burial plot and surprisingly several distantly extended family members were there to support the funeral we gave him and had a community meal waiting in the fellowship hall.
    What some may consider silly, but yet was most comforting to me was that we got to bury Enoch on top of Maw-Maw’s grave. In life, my husband’s tiny grandmother always met us at the door with extended arms saying, “Give me that baby,” and would then what need the child had that she was going meet: “He’s wet as a little piggy, where is your diaper bag?” or “This child is starving. Come on sweetie and Maw-Maw will give you pinches of biscuit.” or “Maw-Maw will get you some nice, cool water after your long trip.” It just seemed so fitting to leave his body there with the vestiges of that gracious, loving soul.
    What was most healing, though, was what happened when we arrived at the cemetery. We were 2 hours late due to my fragile physical condition (I had nearly died myself). All that time my husband’s dear sweet aunt, who was in her late 80’s, had been anxiously awaiting our arrival all that time. She rushed through the cold of the waning day to meet us at the van. She timidly asked if she could please see Enoch’s body. “I lost a baby at about the same age as yours. They took him away. I never got to see him. I don’t even know where they buried him. I just want to see what he would have looked like.” We unlocked the jewelry box we had bought for Enoch’s casket. This precious Christian lady stroked his cheek and cradled his hand on her finger as she cried with a 50 year old grief. She thanked us for giving her that time and after she had straightened the little clothes we had put on him she said, “I just wanted to know.” How blessed I am that I had such a different experience from hers and to have been able to minister to her need in the midst of my grief.
    Because of all this, I follow the WW II adage and “Damn the torpedoes and steam straight ahead” in a world that needs to know that all lives are precious, not just the “convenient” ones and that God is in control and that is a good thing.

  • Jan says:

    Thank you. I, like you, do not hate those who have chosen that option but my heart grieves each time the phone rings and my daughter says, I lost my baby again. We cry and comfort each other that the Lord will heal and that someday empty arms will be filled. Your words are so needed in this world where everything seems disposable. May the Lord bless you and help you in this work. As for me, I shall repost your comments.

  • Gayla says:

    This is a beautiful article. I have experienced 2 miscarriages in recent years. After the first, I wrote the following song. I haven’t really shared it much, but maybe it will help bring comfort to someone. Following are the lyrics.

    Precious Gifts

    Little one you left me too soon.
    I didn’t get to know your face,
    The color of your eyes,
    The wave of your hair.
    I know you are in a safe and loving place.
    When my time comes,
    I will hold you in my arms,
    And sing you a heavenly lullaby.

    Chorus:
    Precious Gifts from God
    Don’t take them for granted.
    Hug them tight,
    and hold them close.

    Precious Gifts from God
    Don’t take it for granted.
    Only He can make a special bundle
    With a formula He mixes just right.

    What could have been,
    Was not meant to be.
    But I was blessed for a short time
    With the thought of you.
    What you would do
    And who you would be.
    Your mystery now ,
    For only God to see.

    Precious Gifts from God
    Don’t take them for granted.
    Hug them tight,
    and hold them close.

    Precious Gifts from God
    Don’t take it for granted.
    Only He can make a special bundle,
    With a formula He mixes just right.

    Refrain:
    He’s the author of the story ,
    Before it is written,
    The giver of life,
    So shiny and bright.

    With the sadness that I feel
    I know how much God must love,
    To send—
    The most precious gift of all.
    Don’t take Him for granted,
    His one and only Son.

    The most precious Gift from God,
    Don’t take Him for granted,
    And all that He has done.
    The most precious gift from God
    Don’t take it for granted
    He died when He didn’t have to,
    For you and me to be sin free.

  • RAnn says:

    You have my condolences on your loss. Please do not take my comments as being an attack on you or on anyone who has suffered such a loss; I thank God I have not.

    In talking to my mother (born in 1930) I never got the impression that women of her generation or earlier considered miscarriages to be the tragedy that people today do–and she had three. I think one BIG difference in today’s culture and that of 50+ years ago is birth control. Today the norm is planned families and “waiting” to have kids until…, whereas back in the olden days people started “trying” on their wedding night (if not before) and the babies came regularly after that. Pregnancy and pregnancy loss were a normal ongoing part of life rather than special events that were planned, prepared for and executed, hopefully according to plan. In short, other than the involved couple, I don’t think our society in general has ever considered miscarriages to be things to be mourned.

  • Benjamin Price says:

    I rarely ever comment on blog articles, but I wanted to say a few things on this article floating around.
    First, my only experience with miscarriages is when my sister had one with her first pregnancy. It was noticeably difficult on her, it was not something to be ignored or dismissed or simply forgotten. It needs to be dealt with.
    Second, I think you hit a home run on relating these two issues of abortion and miscarriage. The one is all over the news and has the attention of lawmakers and numerous activists, while the other is not discussed in the public sphere at all. However, they are connected. Why? Compare a miscarriage at say at the end of the first trimester, and an abortion at the same time of pregnancy. What is different? Certainly nothing physically.
    The only difference I would say is the attitude towards that pregnancy. Is it a potential life? A life of “bike riding and little league and ballet lessons and college and grandkids…?” Or is it something else?
    The greatest value that connecting the two subjects is it makes us take a hard look at what we regard pregnancy as, and how we feel about the power to create and nurture life.

  • Heather says:

    This is an interesting discussion for me on many levels. I have held a pro-choice stance since I became an adult and was able to come to my own decisions about it. (please note that this is NOT “pro-abortion” because all pro-choice women would love to see the need for elective abortions to disappear). And now I ask you to bear with me and hold off on the recriminations that so frequently come back at me if I dare to post on a website like this. I am also the mother of four beautiful girls and have had to live through two miscarriages and one still birth. (The accepted medical term in English for what is commonly called a miscarriage is spontaneous abortion and, like was mentioned about French, the only term in Spanish is “aborto” whether spontaneous or not.) First of all, I am so sad to hear that so many of you went without support when you lost your pregnancies. It is a terrible blow to see your dreams and hope for a child come to an end like that. I was fortunate that the hospital where my D&Cs were performed, 2 within 5 months of each other, also had a very well-trained and amazingly supportive perinatal loss program. So my husband and I were able to find channels to help us grieve for the loss of those potential children. And please forgive my caps here. I don’t want to shout but I do want to emphasize: PERINATAL LOSS PROGRAMS SHOULD BE STANDARD FOR EVERY HOSPITAL AND ALL NURSING STAFF SHOULD BE TRAINED IN IT. But, for me,personally, those losses were not children yet. Please understand that I DO understand that for many women, like the ones here, that loss was a baby to them and I find that completely legitimate, but my perspective is also legitimate. Personally, I feel like my experience has highlighted, in the most brutal and unrelenting way possible, the difference between a fetus and a baby.My only son died in utero at 37 weeks gestation due to a cord accident. And he was not a pregnancy to me; he was my child. He had a face and he has a name, Connery Joseph, and an actual birth-day and his absence, even now 10 years after his death, continues to be a horrible gaping tear in the fabric of the family I am so lucky to call my own.
    I don’t want any of you to think that I in any way feel like your losses are less important or less severe than my own. They absolutely are not. So many of us have to live through this terrible pain. But we all have different perspectives on how to define this process. Whether we call that loss an abortion or a miscarriage or the loss of a pregnancy, we should all be supported as we move through the grieving process.

  • Jennifer W says:

    To J. R.
    After my 1st miscarriage….

    My best friend and her sister were going out for lunch and mt friend invited mw to come. Theypaid. She wrote me a beautiful note.She called me every day and let me cry. She called every day even after I stopped crying

    I found people were more sympathetic to women experiencing miscarrriages if they hadno children. I had three children before then having two miscarriages both at 12 weeks.

    I was able to have a fourth child, a fifth child whose twin I miscarried, a sixth child and then I had two more miscarriages both at 12weeks….they did not crush my soul like the first two did but the experience still made me feel like a failure. It wasdilly to think, false, irrational. I only told my husband.

    Best thing to say to your friend… “I dont know why this happened, but I am sorry you feel sad. You are a good person. You are doing your best. Dont rush grieving. Let your body heal. Call me anytime. I love you friend.”

  • Laura says:

    Thank you so much for putting into words what I have had on my heart for some time and unable to say. Having had two miscarriages I actually got upset the first time I heard the medical term “spontaneous abortion.” I didn’t want the word abortion to ever be associated with me. Even after the second one it wasn’t comforting. My prayer is that women and me are able to speak more openly about their miscarriages to lend support to those in the same situation. Though it may not be easy, it does help to know you are not alone and you did absolutely nothing wrong. One day we will be reunited with our babies.

  • Phyllis says:

    Let me first begin by saying I agree with everything you’ve written. BUT, the conversation needs to go further. If you truly believe in the principles of personhood and that a baby is always a baby, then you would have to conclude that anyone who chooses to terminate the life of a baby is choosing to murder a baby. Murder is against the law and requires a myriad of punishments according to our judicial system. But few pro-lifers reach this reality. Mostly by choice. Because it would mean that we couldn’t just hug a woman and say, “It’s ok. You’re forgiven. God loves you and so do I.” It would mean being held accountable. It would also mean that we would have to show the same love and forgiveness and grace to the men and women sitting in our prisons for shooting children, drowning children, stabbing children and so on. I don’t know too many people willing to do that. So please, I beg of you, take the conversation further in a way that recognizes the WHOLE truth, no matter how ugly. That’s the only way we’ll reach the finish line.

  • Amy t says:

    I’m so glad to read this. We miscarried in October and have been open abou drive because of the reason you have listed. I’m so glad someone else was able to write what we have been talking and thinking about for months. Thank you for the encouragement!

  • Jen says:

    Our miscarriage experience was a little different. I had miscarried at home and therefore was able to hold our baby and see her little arms and legs at just 14 weeks gestation. We did chose to have her buried. An urn cost about $75 and then for children the cemetry gave us a headstone for free with the purchased plot. I thought people would not understand us choosing this but I am so glad we did. We got to not only bury our baby but put keepsakes in the urn with her including items from her siblings. It gave us not only comfort/closure but also value to her life. It would have been just the cost of the urn had we chosen cremation. Some friends of ours had a miscarriage and induced labor the same year we did so they were able to arrange with the hospital to do the same thing we had. I think it’s important to know that you have a say at the hospital as to how things are handled.

  • Lynn Worley says:

    It’s interesting that a friend should post this article on FB today of all days. I’ve just gotten back from the graveside of one of my grandchildren. He would have been 2 years old today. He was on this earth for 8 short weeks yet because of a wonderful cemetery who gave my daughter the plot to bury her child in, there IS a place I can go to remember Alexander. I lost my son at 16 weeks. I have no place to go remember him. I miscarried at home. The hospital told us to bring him with us when I went in for an emergency D&C. Oh how I wanted to be able to bury my little man, but no. After they’d done an autopsy on him he was “disposed” of with all the medical “waste.” To this day I wonder if those who handled his tiny body thought that he was unwanted? That image haunts me to this day even though it was 19 years ago now. I couldn’t bury my son, but I put a little “James” bear that I’d received in the tiny coffin with Alexander. And I thought of him as I went to Alexander’s grave. The people at the cemetery didn’t flinch that what was being buried was tiny clumping of cells. They accepted him as a baby! I will always be grateful to them for that. It has helped my daughter heal. She went there a few days ago and took a picture of my youngest grand child with his hand on the gravestone. That photo rocked me down to my very core. Our sweet amazing grand son wouldn’t be here if Alexander had lived. Thank you for standing up for all who have lost their CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Alicia Scott says:

    I don’t often share this but I have had 13 miscarriages and I have 6 children. I am well adjusted I feel but every once in a while it bites me. Thank you for this post.

    p.s. I am also a medical coder. I know what coding incorrectly does. May I share your post with my class?

  • Linsey says:

    Thank you for this. Thank you for calling them OUR BABY. after trying to get pregnant for over 5 years I lost my first pregnancy last July and I too never allowed myself to heal. I sit here today 32 weeks pregnant feeling my daughter kick inside me as I read this crying. So grateful for the daughter Im waiting to meet in a few short weeks, and still morning the lost of my first child. No matter how early you loose a child it is a loss that will hurt.

  • Anita says:

    When I had my miscarriage,it was after I already had some children and it would have been an eighth child in a combined family. The feeling I got from my doctor was like I already had enough kids, I didn’t need this one. While in the recovery room I was comforted by a nun who understood that every child is precious. I had one friend who understood my sense of loss. The rest mostly ignored the fact that I had miscarried. I went on and had two more children who have brought me great joy, but there are times that I wonder about the little one I lost.

    There have been many wonderful comments and stories given here and I appreciate those who were willing to share.

  • I’m new to your blog. My grandson posted a link on Facebook to your comments on abortion. My daughter miscarried back in the early 2000s. Her loss was definitely felt by her entire family and was the impetus for my writing the poem at the end of this post: http://wiseblooding.com/2014/04/09/

  • The way we made a difference was to have that graveside service for our little grandbaby, born too early. We gathered as a family cried and prayed. Words were spoken of sadness about what we lost and joy of the precious life that we enjoyed so briefly. My mom had lost her first child, 60 years before. She cried as we dressed to meet in our yard. She cried, remembering nothing was done for her son. His death was ignored like it did not matter. My daughter told her gramma that this service was for Patrick also {the name I gave my brother when I found out he was never named}. As a family we were comforted and this little life was respected, remembered and recognized. We repeated this ceremony a few years later when our other daughter bore a baby too early.

  • My heart aches for you. I know the pain and it’s been years but the pain is still there. I miscarried three times back in 1997 (more than five years after having a tubal ligation). In 2002, I suffered an ectopic pregnancy in the other tube (talk about long shots). Needless to say, each of those precious lives were wanted from the moment I saw that positive sign and mourned for more than words can express. I too suffered a deep depression and were it not for my family I wouldn’t be here today. I hate that the term used for completing a miscarriage is abortion as I in no way shape or form was consenting to an abortion. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • E.L.L says:

    Thank you for this. I read your other post and both have helped me through my miscarriage. I miscarried my first pregnancy 3 weeks ago. Thank you for your voice.

  • Dina says:

    Thank you for writing this much needed article. You’ve expressed what I’ve always felt about abortion. And like you, I am not against those who have had abortions. They don’t see what’s growing in them as life. I don’t hate.

    I, myself, have never had a miscarriage but I do remember the thrill of being pregnant and all the hopes & dreams for my future baby. I also remember the fear of losing that baby before it was born. My heart aches for you and others who have had to go through this.

    Thanks again for sharing your story.

  • Lauren says:

    I became pregnant at 17. It was a few weeks before my 18th birthday, the father (Now my husband) was about to go out to sea, and I couldn’t tell a soul. A week after my birthday, a month into the pregnancy, I lost the baby. I couldn’t mourn. I couldn’t let others know my pain. Who I was had been ripped apart. People now ask me “It was so early, how do you know if you where?” I simple say, “I could feel the life.”
    Losing Cameron took more then a baby from me. It took the way I looked at life. I didn’t care anymore, and I couldn’t tell a soul. I’m scared to death to try for another baby, but the desire has just grown that much more. I’m only 19. I should be concerned about my hair, or a car, or a new job. Not with dealing with a lost child.

  • Jenna says:

    Sorry, but to whomever said, “miscarriages were not mourned in previous generations,” I think you’re completely wrong.

    I don’t think the women of past generations who went through miscarriages were not grieving, I think they were expected all the more firmly to stifle their grief and move on. Why? Because as a woman that’s what you were and that’s what you did. You pumped out babies and if you didn’t carry to term it was probably your fault anyways (because, you know, women were mainly bodies and things, not so much people), so stuff it and move on. What a terrible way to live and to have the people around you think! Just because that’s how it was in the past (and in many respects and many communities, how it still is today), doesn’t mean that it was right.

    I think this post hit the nail on the head…and I wish I knew what to say to the women around me and the women here who have lost their babies, but I also know words will never be enough. I grieve with you, dear fellow mothers (and you ARE a mother, whether you have babies here on earth or if all yours are in heaven…that may sound cheesy to some, but I believe it with all my heart). You have all my love.

  • Emily says:

    Thank you! So perfectly said. I know this takes courage, and I commend you for putting it out there. It’s truth.

  • Patty says:

    I had a miscarriage back in 1989 and yes, as mothers we have those babies in our thoughts & hearts forever. Yes, they’re babies. My heart ached until our next pregnancy. Like you, I am pro life, pro women, and do not condemn those who choose/chose otherwise. I do feel that if you didn’t want a baby, you should work on the prevention techniques and if they didn’t work, consider adopting the baby out to someone who does want a baby but can’t conceive. Thanks for sharing.

  • Stephanie Dolezal says:

    I just wanted to thank you for that great entry. While I am aware that the decision to have an abortion or not is always ALWAYS circumstantial, and my political views are predominately liberal, at the end of the day I am Pro-life. Do I wish our society and economy was a safe place for every woman to bear a child to term? Yes. Do I realize that that is not the world we live in? Yes, again. I think your message is a very powerful one, and one I wholly support. I love that you say that you are anti-abortion, not anit-women, because too often those two go hand in hand. We need to love our fellow women and give them space for understanding and care–whether it is because we have suffered a miscarriage or terminated a pregnancy voluntarily, the loss is still great and grief is still imminent. Thank you for drawing attention to that.

  • Marsha E. says:

    Your story touched my heart. Thank you for your honesty– I hope that you do not mind if I share your story!
    God bless!
    Marsha

  • Bark219 says:

    You have a truly unique view of things that few have considered. VERY insightful! You should look into becoming part of a Rachel’s Vineyard team. Rachel’s Vineyard is for people seeking forgiveness and healing after being affected by abortion in some way. You have the perfect attitude to be a wonderful RV counselor: a person who doesn’t believe in abortion, but loves and forgives unconditionally, without judgment. Here’s there website: http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/

  • P says:

    Your words are beautiful! Thank you! I work as a PA and I have never liked calling a miscarriage a spontaneous abortion because when people hear that word “abortion” that IS exactly what most people think. I always use the word miscarriage in my interviews because of the connotation of abortion. My first potential job as a PA was for Planned Parenthood. I asked if there was anyway I could treat STDs, do exams, prescribe birth control, etc. and not refer for abortions or hand out “Plan B” and they said, “no” so I said, “no”. They called back asking if I would reconsider but I knew way too many people who couldn’t have children of their own who were waiting (and trying to adopt in the meantime) and I just couldn’t be the one responsible for terminating a life who someone else would love and cherish. I found a job where I could choose to not hand out or do things that I felt morally against and led me to my dream job in pediatrics. I am so sorry for your loss! Thank you for speaking for those who cannot speak for themselves.

  • Cathy L says:

    I miscarried four times before ever carrying our daughter. My daughter had a twin that we lost at 10 weeks. I think of those babies every time I see a child that would be around the same age. There is the loss that you can’t explain, no grave, no tombstone, no service, nothing to say that you have been able or allowed to say good bye, its just gone. You see women with their babies and wonder, God , Why not me? What did I do wrong? I learned this is when God is drawing me nearer to him , telling me to lean on him, that he has those babies and they are waiting on me. I have peace knowing that my mom is there with them and they are never alone. You see God has used my grief, my pain, to help other women. Yes the process is painful, and silent and no one can fix it or help it unless you are willing to share your grief with them. While there are those that don’t want to hear about your babies, there are those that God will call you to share them with. Be bold in your discussions, help other women draw closer to him, that is the important thing to learn here. Speak up , remember these babies and know they had a purpose in this world. Give the grief to God and He will give you peace.

  • Thank you for this very well written post! I am so thankful that I have not suffered a miscarriage, but I have gone through IVF and was blessed with twins as a result. I’ve seen eggs and sperm, fertilized eggs grow into embryos, two embryos implanted into my uterus. I’ve seen those precious embryos grow and grow into strong, healthy (and active!) babies inside my belly. It is life from the start, I’ve witnessed it. It breaks my heart to hear people abort because it’s merely some “tissue” and “cells”, especially when there’s some people fight so hard to get pregnant. I appreciate the light you have shed on the subject. :)

  • Susan McIntyre says:

    My heart breaks at the pain of women (and men, too) who have chosen to abort. They are lied to, so PP and their ilk can get more money. If a woman is interested in obtaining birth control she can get a prescription from her doctor. PP was started by that racist Margaret Sanger. They were set up in poor black neighborhoods, to commit racial genocide. Hitler, Stalin, etc. made no pretense about their hatred, which makes Margaret Sanger all the more evil. She did this under the guise of helping people when it was just a front for her bigotry.

  • Darcy says:

    So true – thanks for putting into words the feelings I have had no words for.

  • Billie says:

    A great way to begin this is to embrace the mindset I encountered in my Catholic Homeschooling group. When I first joined the group and asked other moms how many children they had, the answer I occasionally received was, “I have 4, and 1(or more) in heaven. When I queried further I would find these were due to miscarriages.

  • Michelle says:

    After we lost our first baby my husbands work told him they didnt know if they could pay him bereavment because they had to decide if it was actually considered a member of our family. She was and is very much a member of our family. She was our baby.I have held a grudge against the person who told him that for a very long time. She would have been 26 this year. There is a difference between abortion and miscarraige. Abortion is a choice. Miscarraige very much was not my choice!

  • Penny says:

    I miscarried a very wanted baby in 2000. I was told it was a blighted ovum and so assumed that there was no soul attached to it. We moved on, I did not acknowledge my pain to very many people, and the next year we had a daughter.

    For thirteen years we never spoke of that pregnancy. It was as if it never happened for anyone but me. When my child’s father lay dying of cancer he asked me one night out of the blue, “What did you name her?” I thought maybe in his confusion he was talking about our living daughter, but just to be sure I told him the name I had given the baby I lost. Several times after that he asked me “Where’s the baby?” Each time I would tell him she’s with my sister, because I assumed he meant our daughter. Until one day she was in the room with us with her back to him. He raised up and whispered “Where’s the baby, is she okay?” I knew then that he meant my lost baby. So I told him she was with his mother, who had passed away several years before. That seemed to satisfy him. I believe that in those hours just before death a person can see both planes of existence and he was aware that she was waiting for him on the other side. I take comfort in knowing that she is with him now and one day we will all be together.

  • Courtney says:

    Thank you for opening up your heart in writing this. What a powerful message. God bless you.

  • Martha says:

    Been there. When I read the word “abortion” in my medical file, I was still in the hospital. I complained, emphatically, to my doctor, and he had it changed to “Histerotomy”, a medical procedure in which a baby that has died is removed from the womb. It made me feel a little better….but not much. This was 28 years ago, and I still miss that baby.

  • Melissa Webb says:

    Thanks for sharing. This exact same thing happened to my husband and I. I feel your pain and welcome your story. GOD BLESS!

  • Lisa says:

    Thank you for sharing! I agree with you! That must have been a real punch in the gut when you got that bill! I know it would have been for me. Here is my story: http://www.beautifulthorns.com/2012/05/better-to-have-loved-and-lost.html

  • Crystal Carroll says:

    Standing in the crater of this loss there is silence, misunderstanding and a deep feeling of exclusion. We are mothers only in our hearts for the children never held or fully known. What a blessing to be surrounded one day in heaven by my babies but till that day I do not live a day without thinking of them.

  • JK says:

    Thank you for sharing your painful experience. We, too, suffered an early miscarriage and were devastated. In my professional life, I work with many women trying to get pregnant and have suffered miscarriages as well– it can be such a lonely experience because our friends and family don’t know what to say, or if they say something, it can oftentimes be the wrong thing. Really, it takes someone who has had a miscarriage to empathize with someone going through it. I do NOT think the debate over abortion plays a role– the inability to relate to miscarriages is a much much older issue.

  • Jordan says:

    Thank you for this post, and I sympathize with you and all you’ve gone through. Thank you for sharing, though it surely is not easy.

    The title of this post has me wondering: what did discussion of miscarriage look like before legal elective abortion? You say the discussion has changed, and you elaborate on the current societal thoughts, but what did it change from? Obviously it’s never been an easy healing and grieving, but how exactly was the “discussion” played out typically?

  • Antoinette Gibson says:

    This was an unexpected blessing this morning. I have lost two children through miscarriage. They were both early on, but they both had beating hearts. The first I was able to hold in my hand and even though it was early, I could see what would be tiny fingers and toes. I rarely talk about my miscarriages for all the reasons you expressed, but in my heart I know that one day, in heaven my family will be whole. Reading this blog made me feel like someone understands! Thank you!

  • I remember having a similar experience. I was shocked to find out I had an “abortion” myself and it was such a challenge to maintain composure as I worked to get it straightened out. It is so sad; speaks so much to the need for love and prayer and truth to be shared and spoken in ALL things. Sweet precious blessings are they all.

  • Sandy says:

    We have three who have gone before us. It is a hard thing. Mother Angelica has a Miscarriage Prayer that has a line about them being “before the throne of God with the face of their mother and father”. It helps to know they are there and we will see them again, but there is still three holes in my heart and life. The best gift given to me when we experienced our first loss , was a little statue of an angel. Underneath it I penciled in the date that we lost our little one. Over the years, I have actually had to go back and look at that date. After six other pregnancies and years, I forget the exact date, but not my child.And, that is ok.I am just glad that we have three more children. We will meet and hold them one day. So will all the other moms.

  • Sylvie says:

    When I was a child, my mother had two miscarriages. I had no idea what that meant at the time, all I remember is that she was pregnant, and then she wasn’t, and I didn’t have a new sibling. We named them, beautifully enough after St. Francis and St. Clare as they were both born on those feast days. I thought that was very fitting. We always hung up a stocking for them at Christmas, and everything in the stocking was donated to charity, to children who didn’t have families, since we had family, but were missing two children. I never really understood why my mother talked about them so much, but we always included them in family prayers, and I loved the thought of them watching over us from heaven. As years have gone by, and I’ve seen others, close to me, deal with miscarriage, I understand. I understand why my mother was so depressed. I understand why they were always made to be a part of our family, even if no other family talked about their miscarriages. I understand, and I think it is beautiful. Life is beautiful, even the short life that Francis and Clare had. Thank you for your post, and for sharing, and I really hope and pray that others out there will come to see the beauty of that life.

  • Juanita F says:

    I got that same news in a phone call, not a letter, from a snotty jerk who seemed almost gleeful to tell me “We don’t pay for aBORtions.” I burst into tears and sunk to my knees. My husband had to take the phone from my hands and deal with him.

  • Juanita F says:

    Scissortaailsilk, I got that same news in a phone call, not a letter, from a snotty jerk who seemed almost gleeful to tell me “We don’t pay for aBORtions.” I burst into tears and sunk to my knees. My husband had to take the phone from my hands and deal with him.

    To hear my beloved, much wanted child referred to as an “abortion” was more than I could bear. It’s been 14 years and I still tear up at the memory of that phone call.

  • Shirley Austrum says:

    I liked this article and if you have a blog I would like to follow you. I had a niece who recently had a miscarriage and she went through some very emotional things. Her husband & her are Foster Parents, they have two sons of their own.

  • This is a beautiful article and your point about abortion silencing the discussion of miscarriage is so profound. I am sorry for your loss. I wrote an article about abortion when my daughter was in the NICU and you may be interested in it. http://www.veronicaboulden.com/2010/02/this-baby-was-loved-deeply.html

  • CC says:

    As someone who miscarried in the 1960’s, I have to disagree with you. The stigma of miscarriage existed long before abortion was an acceptable choice. Long before abortion was legal, it was taboo to even *talk* about your miscarriage. If anything, you ladies are freer to talk about your miscarriages than your mothers and grandmothers. You CAN go to a card shop and buy a card for someone who has miscarried. You CAN hold a memorial service for a miscarried baby. Heck, you can get on a lovely thing called the internet and talk about it with hundreds of other women with no judgement. You could not back then. There was ONLY judgement. There was no support system.

  • Carolyn says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I have had two miscarriages and was also overwhelmed by the unspoken pressure to keep quiet about my miscarriage. Some people ignored the fact that I had lost my baby. Others implied it was part of a divine (and thus good) plan (e.g., you are blessed to have an angel in heaven) or that it was my fault. Both of these responses place tremendous pressure on the mom not to speak about the miscarriage. The silence, both one’s own, and that of society, in the face of so much pain makes the aching emptiness and loss even more unbearable.

  • Though I have not had the experience of a miscarriage, I have family and friends who have. I so appreciate this article and way you articulated your experience and what you have learned, you have deeply touched my heart and you have eloquently highlighted truths from an angle I had not thought of before. Thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you and to all the mammas who lost their precious one’s before getting to meet them and watch them grow up.

  • Janet Grunst says:

    It broke my heart every time I heard a physician refer to my miscarriage as an abortion, but apparently that is the medical term they use for it. That MUST be changed as far as I am concerned.

  • JD says:

    Thanks for writing this! One of your last statements about speaking for the unborn reminded me of a beautiful video a good friend of mine did recently.

    In it, she speaks about her song, “Speak for Me” that urges people to consider the unborn as a LIFE and something to be defended and fought for. I think many of you will appreciate the thoughts and the video.

  • Syndi says:

    It was a year ago April 10 when we lost our first child I was 20 weeks and the week before we had just found out it was a girl and everyone was healthy. My water broke and I lost too much fluid for her to survive. They had to induse me and a few hours laterI had a 9oz 9in baby girl Koit Jo who never got to take her first breath. I refused still to this day to let anyone tell me that I do not have a child. It doesnt matter if you are 4 weeks or 9 months the loss of a child is so heart breaking that it stays with you forever. I hope more mothers stand up and dont keep silent speak up and make everyone realize what they are saying about a living growing beautiful human, they are not tissue they are someones answered prayer.

  • Deanna Riker says:

    I loved your blog, I am very grateful to Live in Minnesota, we have a group called IRIS Infants Remembered in Silence, you sadly can join this group if your a grieving parent. Your loss my be as young as a few weeks to months to years. Every Thanksgiving they hold a walk/run/race to remember all the babies all the children all the lost futures! Anyone can join online. I encourage you to do so and to start a group like this near you. The love and support is amazing and the joy in knowing your child is still someone special in your life and everyday for the rest of your life.
    http://irisremembers.com/ check it out! I did several years after losing my beautiful child, it is very healing!

  • […] progress is going to have to improve things? Much to think on here.) — [Five] This post about how the pro-abortion culture robs the dignity of women who’ve had miscarriages is worth reading. — [Six] Poor Max has his first ear infection. Dogs have deep, crooked ear […]

  • Piper says:

    Dear Becky,

    I know you receive a lot of comments and emails, but I need to let you know how much your story touched my heart. I have lost two sweet babies due to miscarriage. I am not a talented writer, so expressing how I was feeling has been difficult. Your writing is like you looked into my heart, took exactly what I was feeling, and put it on paper. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this post. God is using you!

  • Nancy O'Berry says:

    I still hate the month of February. I’ll never forget the pain and then the sudden pop as he or she let go. I took a deep breath and sobbed. My husband was an idiot. He kept calling our child “a thing” when the doctor offered to show it to him. I wish he had asked me. I would have like to have seen it. To have known the sex. To have been able to grieve. Some twenty-six years later it still hurts.

  • Lori says:

    thank you.

  • Carol says:

    Dear Becky. Your story brought tears to my eyes as miscarriage stories always do. My 1st miscarriage happened 38 years ago at the tender age of 19. I was not married at the time but abortion was NEVER A thought to my fiancé and I. Needless to say we were both shocked when the young intern in the hospital kept saying ” Afteryou abort the fetus”. Those were traumatic words to my young ears. I did have 3 children but also have 3 in Heaven through miscarriage. It never gets easier to here stories like yours. May God bless you.

    Carol.

  • Debra says:

    My experience was like so many others. I miscarried my third child at 14 weeks, 30 years ago. The pain of hearing the words at the ultrasound, “I am sorry. There is no heartbeat.” Going home until my appointment at the hospital for an induced labor, knowing I would never hold my baby in my arms. Complications and an emergency D&C, listening to that machine sucking out not tissue, but my dreams of sugar and spice and everything nice, or snips and snails and puppy dog tails.

    After leaving the hospital with empty arms and broken heart, the well-meaning but maddening remarks of friends and loved ones who will never understand, because it never happened to them. “At least you have two healthy kids. This one might have had deformities.” “You can always have another one.” “It was God’s will.” That was the worse. I wanted to scream, “God did not will His and my precious, precious child to die!”

    Eventually I went back to living. I had to for my angel’s two brothers. But I grieved this little angel. For eight years I grieved. Until one day there was a Service of Remembrance at my church for women who had lost a child under any circumstance – death of a living child, miscarriage, or abortion. We were given a chance to speak of our children. We were each given a rose as most of us had lost a child who had no grave to go to, and we released those roses to gently float the memories of their precious little lives down the river.

    That is the day my baby was acknowledged. That is the day I began to heal.

  • Bill says:

    I had never connected the two before. I will react differently when I hear about a miscarriage from now on.

  • Maria says:

    Hi.

    my children (2 of them, one each two years apart) were murdered by their father. I told him at about 2-3 months that I was pregnant. He beat me until they died.

    That was over 10 years ago.

    I’m still not ok.

    The silence is profound for you with a natural miscarriage.

    The silence is killing for women like me. Instead of engaging us or finding out what we need to get functional again, everyone who hears only hears (DAD KILLED CHILD). They focus not on how to move forward while honoring the future quelled, but on the sensationality of the act that caused it.

    It’s always about him and his violence.

    Never, let’s move forward together. Let’s make your babies proud.

    Thanks for listening.

  • Meredith says:

    Thank you so much for this. You wrote how I felt and still fill about losing our baby. I wish everyone felt that way.

  • Kelly Peterson says:

    Thank you so much for saying what desperately needs to be said! I had a miscarriage earlier this year and it broke my heart. Women like us do suffer in silence and until we break that silence and start talking about it we will never get the support we need. If I had said nothing to my friends I would have never gotten in touch with others who have suffered like I have. My miscarriage is not broadcast to the world, but neither is it a secret that no one knows. Again, thank you for this wonderfully written article.

  • Lydia says:

    I’m sorry for your loss. The hospital is stupid. It’s a shame that we don’t provide more support to women who lose babies. We never really have.

    I wish you peace and healing.

  • Laurel says:

    Please know that there are hospitals and groups that are helping families deal with miscarriages and stillborns. A group I am associated with makes special boxes with a small flannel blanket that the mother can pin memories of her baby too, like the ultrasound picture. We donate these to our local hospital for the mothers that leave the hospital without a baby in their arms. I overheard a conversation just this week of a near by hospital that did even more to make sure the memories of the baby were kept for the mother and family. We can and do make a difference with our voices.

  • Chelle says:

    I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and to let you know that you are not alone. Total, I have suffered 5 miscarriages and the loss of one twin. The worst was when we suffered four in a row; the last one we were at the hospital when the doctor exclaimed, “oh, we got the ‘product of conception’, which is a good thing”. And then a few weeks later, I got a letter in the mail with the results of all their “testing”. Everything they tested was normal; therefore, it must have been my fault that I lost it. At least, that is how I felt. I truly feel your pain. I pray that God will bless all those that have lost little ones with a sense of peace and faith that He really is in control.

  • Melissa Jensen says:

    This is a beautiful article shedding light on a subject rarely talked about. I had three successive miscarriages before conceiving my daughter. I felt a keen sense of loss with each one. It was incredibly difficult and draining. To make matters worse, all of the healthcare professionals I encountered during those times seemed to write it off just because I was young, with a “you have plenty of time” attitude, and some even went so far as to suggest that it could be a good thing because I was “too young to be thinking about having kids anyway. I’d be better to wait” One medical assistant told me to “go back on birth control. You don’t want this.” As in, I didn’t want the child I was struggling to keep. Though I was young, my husband and I both felt certain that there was a child waiting for us. Our little girl is the light of our lives, and I am still sickened to to think that someone could suggest not wanting her! Because of the negative attitude I encountered about even trying to get pregnant (let alone wanting to keep a child I conceived and not abort it) I never told anyone about the miscarriages. I struggled through it with only my husband. In a way, I never got past that grief I just kept inside and I still wonder about those three babies in heaven. When we announced our pregnancy with our daughter, most people assumed she was a mistake (after all, who would want a sweet, precious, and perfect addition to their family?) If only they knew! After reading this article, I feel inspired to share our story. I hope it will help another woman grieving a lost pregnancy- a lost baby.

  • Dionne says:

    This is a wonderful piece. We have miscarried many times but were so blessed and fortunate to have carried to full term and raise one. The two pregnancies that went the longest, the two for which we were able to view the teeny tiny babies, we named and mourned fully. I will one day meet Simeon John and Deirdre Hope, along with the others too tiny to have seen, and our family will be all together there, as it should have been here. I miss those babies: their births, their childhoods and all the promise their little lives held. They will still fulfill their ultimate purpose to love and be loved, it will just be from heaven now, rather than from earth. I look forward to the day when I will hold them in my arms! Thanks for sharing this!

  • Holly says:

    This NEEDED to be said. I stand in the exact same place on Abortion as you. I hate abortion but not those who choose it.

    I am curious, did the insurance concede and pay for your hospital visit?

  • Melody says:

    I appreciate your call for us to comfort those who have had miscarriages. A number of my friends have gone through that and at least a couple have been open about how very heart-breaking it was.

    I also appreciate your stance against abortion.

    but

    I don’t think abortion changed the way we treat miscarriage so much.

    It’s not as if before abortion was legalized people made meals and sent their condolences. If the baby was stillborn or died shortly after birth, sure, but I don’t see/hear any evidence of miscarriages being made a big deal of historically. I certainly don’t hear anyone saying that they were treated as a big loss up until the 70s when abortion was legalized.

    I think the problem is that the pain of miscarriage was never addressed very well to start with.

  • Becky, I sat down at my computer to check facebook and saw this post from a friend. I miscarried in 1987 and thought well, let me read this article. I quickly realized I was not reading an article, I was reading a story that was similar to mine in many ways. Why would God lead me to your story? Well, because only God knew what I needed this morning.
    Thanks for sharing your story.

    Mrs. (I always put Mrs. because my name is so unusual that people don’t know if I am a man or a woman. Hahaha.)
    Blyson Kelso

  • Helen N Crouse says:

    So sorry your hospital was not linked with a Threads of Love group for comfort in you loss. See threadsoflove.org

  • I had my first miscarriage after the birth of my first son. I had my second miscarriage after the birth of my second son, and I fought with everything I had to keep our daughter. we managed!
    I had my last miscarriage after my third son was born. No one ever talks about the emotional mess you’re in after and abortion. The hormones are a mess and no one talks about that either. Yes, I am prolife, and I feel so sorry for women who feel they can’t have the child, because I know what they are going to go through and no one is going to tell them. All we can do is pray for them, because I can tell you, from personal experience – it’s hell! At least I know I have little ones waiting for me in heaven, when I get there.

  • Luann Farmer says:

    Having had 7 miscarriages and 1 stillborn child in a matter of 5 years, I am glad to see someone finally talk openly about miscarriages. People don’t want to hear about them. Insurance companies don’t want to pay for the D & C needed after, to make sure that all the “tissue” is removed. I have had to face my losses on my own, because even my husband didn’t want to talk about any of them, including the stillborn baby. I now have 2 beautiful children who were born 9 years apart with all the miscarriages between them.

  • Denise says:

    Hi. I came across your post because a friend of mine shared it on FB. :) I just wanted to say I’m sorry you didn’t get the support you needed after your miscarriage. We were part of a wonderful sunday school class during our early years of marriage, who would grieve with us and do meals after a miscarriage. It’s sad that that isn’t the norm, especially in a Christian circle of influence.
    I have a unique situation in that we struggled with infertility for years, attempted adoptions and finally had one biological child. We are so thankful. We were supposed to begin adoption with a young girl who initially said she wanted to give her baby up for adoption to us, and then opted to abort. I still think of that baby as our loss that I will someday meet in heaven.
    After other failures, we got pregnant. We were trying for #2 when I had an early miscarriage. I still think about that baby too. Life is so precious and so fleeting. I think when you finally realize the value and fragility of life, you recognize how special motherhood is.
    Blessings to you. Thanks for sharing.

  • Alyse says:

    Thank you for what you wrote. Last summer, I was in the ER writhing in pain for a couple of hours before I was ever checked — I knew what was happening. I was losing my baby. The ER doctor finally checked me and said “Oh. You were right ma’am. Here’s the ‘product of conception’ right here.” He then proceeded to pull the “product of conception” out, marked it to be sent to the lab, and left the room. Later, those words replayed in my mind over and over and over. I thought, how disconnected can one be?!? This was a life — I had heard the heartbeat the day before!! It still makes me angry. I wanted to yell at him, “BABY, it is a BABY.”

  • Sarah Hetherington says:

    This exact same thing happened to me! It was very hard to explain something so personal and sad to someone who I could tell was judging me on the other end of the phone:-(

  • KTB says:

    I had almost the exact same experience…..pregnant, happily so…..six weeks….healthy heartbeat…..then …..ten weeks ….bam! No heartbeat. ….I had to have a DNC…I, as well as my husband and entire family and circle of friends were devastated. The first several weeks after the miscarriage I was also exhausted and emotionally numb….I simply couldn’t process the loss….then, I go to collect the mail and low and behold….a letter worded exactly the same. I literally shook while reading it…..I cried, I kind of went ballistic I guess……threw the letter at my poor husband and told him to deal with it. Needless to say, he did….but the ice pick to the heart was so unexpected, so hurtful….it was hard to deal with. I am so sorry to hear that another (others) have dealt with the same issue. It is un-necessary and cruel.

  • Mrs. Teilborg says:

    I have chosen names for my 5 precious babies in heaven.I am working on a memorial rose garden for them and I talk about our babies.The hardest things I have faced in regards to my miscarriages, is how people they are discredited and how I am told, at least you have other children. Yes, I am so grateful for my living on earth children, but I miss my living in heavens ones. ♥
    Thanks you for such a good blog!!!!

  • April says:

    Thanks for sharing your insight on this subject. I agree that every loss, misscarriage or abortion is an emotional dificulty, no matter what the circumstances are. They are babies, not tissue or waste. The loss of potential life, hope and happiness causes our womanly hearts pain, it is natural to mourn this type of life. However, it is hard to know how to comfort someone because it is so individual. I am the mother of two daughters who have lost more than twice as many babies as they have had. It has been difficult for them. We are blessed that they can understand and support each other. Everytime someone asks me how many grandchildren I have I cringe because I would count them all but not many would understand that there are more in heaven than on earth.

    I also agree that both the mother with a miscarriage and the mother with an abortion need our love and support. There are so many reason things happen that we can not judge or deny the feelings of either mother.

    My heart goes out to you and all who have commented and had to face the feelings that are associated with the loss of any baby or child. May God bless you and give you peace.

  • Pat Kelly says:

    Thank you for sharing your very heart felt story. Your story is quite significant to me because just this past week there was a court case in Toronto, Ontario that is connected to this issue. A relative of mine, a young lady named Mary Wagner has been in prison in Ontario for nearly 2 years because she continues to defy a court order to stay away from a Toronto abortion clinic where she has repeatedly gone to counsel women to reconsider their planned abortions. Mary firmly believes of life in the womb. Mary’s defense if presenting the court with a plea to examine the question of “when is it that pre-born life begins”. You may be surprised but at the present time the Canadian Constitution does not recognize nor give any legal rights to an unborn child until he or she has been completely delivered and born alive. In order to allow a challenge and possibly a change to the Canadian Constitution the Toronto court trial judge must decide if there are suitable grounds to let this case progress to the Supreme Court of Canada. To many of us following this case there should be no question to the value of pre-born life in the womb. Yet, the Canadian courts and governments at all levels are very unwilling to even examine the issue. A complete story for the Mary Wagner case can be followed on http://www.lifesitenews.com. Thank you again for your story. Best Regards, Pat Kelly.

  • […] “How Abortion has Changed the Discussion of Miscarriage” by Becky Thompson – This is one perspective on the abortion issue that I, quite honestly, had never really thought about, and Becky’s words here are both enlightening and sobering: “It is hard for a society to embrace a mourning mother for her loss of tissue when it is busy defending another mother’s right to dispose of it.” Truly a worthwhile read. […]

  • Lindsay says:

    Sorry, JK…but I completely have to disagree with you because RARELY are the women having abortions are doing it to save their lives.

  • Melinda says:

    Thank You! Absolutely beautifully written. You will be blessed for sharing with us.

  • Hannah says:

    Thank you so much for writing this. I had a very early miscarriage about 3 weeks ago. The doctor told me, “I wouldn’t even consider it a real pregnancy,” and continued to tell me that it didn’t matter, it wasn’t real. The mindset of a fetus that is only weeks old is not a ‘real pregnancy’ or a baby is so permeating that even the OBs who work with women throughout their pregnancies and understand the science behind it have decided that it is not a baby…

  • Lorrie says:

    They…the doctors…called my miscarriage a “missed AB”. When I already had my heart ripped out by that miscarriage they apparently needed to stomp on it also. That was 34 years ago. You would really think the medical profession would be more conscious of what they say and how they label this. This was our baby, there was no “AB” in any way, shape or form so why did they need to label it that way.

  • Kristen says:

    Thank you for sharing!

  • Marie says:

    I recently had a miscarriage and had the hospital code it under an abortion. Leaving the hospital and seeing my discharge papers say abortion on them was emotional and upsetting. Later finding out my insurance wouldn’t cover my “elective abortion” sent me into a fit of sobs. I started wondering if the doctor that seemed caring really believed I aborted my own child. Abortions are something I am strongly against and now having lost a child I feel even more against it. I didn’t lose tissue. I lost my baby. Having to work out everything with insurance and the hospital was just adding to the pain of the situation. I am glad that the hospital coding will be changed soon so others will not have to deal with this. I am grateful that the insurance company has reversed their decision to deny coverage. I hope the medical world gets rid of the term “spontaneous abortion” and clearly defines abortions and miscarriages. I wish everyone could see these babies for the little, precious lives that they are. It was good to read your post and know that someone else knows what I have been going through. Thanks for speaking out.

  • Patricia Taylor says:

    Dear One,
    I am happy that you believe your baby was more than just tissue. That your baby was an individual with a soul. And know that she or he lives and is cared for by very special angels in your absence in eternity. Believe also that you should give to her a name so that when you pray for her or him, you can call her by this name, a name that is hers or his alone – you are the mother of this special baby. And also believe that it is promised that we can meet again! Draw close to Jesus Christ as your Savior and follow His ways. He will be your best friend and understands all that is in your heart. Believe in God who created the heaven and the earth and know that this life here is just the beginning……………just the very beginning. Follow Christ and see if He does not give to you everything you need and more. Love and blessings.

  • Stephanie says:

    I miscarried my third child. I was 3 months along and our sweet baby did not have a heart beat. She or he would have been 3 and a half now. I think about our sweet baby and what my family would be like with that baby. I am very blessed and have 3 daughters. They bring so much pure joy into my life. It feels greedy to want more but I still want my baby that didn’t make it. It felt like someone punched a hole in my heart when we lost our baby. It took my body 2 full months to fully miscarry. I had to use the pill they give you four different times. Each time was so emotional. I know what a miracle it is to be able to have a baby and I am truly grateful for mine.

  • Amy says:

    Thank you so much for putting into words what I felt when I miscarried in March. I knew that the Lord was in control through all of the pain and the questions, but it was still hard to know that I will not get to meet one of my children until I go to heaven. During such a hard time I was blessed with a great group of women at my church who had also dealt with miscarriage and encouraged me through it. On the other hand I also had several people try to “comfort” me by stating that it wasn’t a baby. And to that I was very clear that it was a child and we were grieving as a family. It was so hard to tell my two children (5 and 2 years) that they would not have a little brother or sister this year. But the Lord is so gracious. I felt him every moment through that difficult time and I pray that other women going through miscarriage will be pulled closer to the Lord and have support that is so desperately needed. Again thank you for sharing the story of your miscarriage.

  • […] post is on “How Abortion Has Changed The Discussion Of Miscarriage” (you can read it here). The entire post hits home with me. Her thoughts on changing the way miscarriage is viewed was the […]

  • Shawna Roghair says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. :)

  • Jenaia says:

    In February I lost our third Child who I was expecting in September.
    I’ve been lucky to have such a great support system. Only one thing
    Stuck out of my mind since I lost our baby and how angry I felt toward
    This person. I told a couple we knew how I lost my baby in February.
    The husband didn’t seem to care his responds was.
    “Well just be thankful. You don’t have to deal with another baby.”
    As if it were a bad thing to want another child! My children ages are far
    Apart enough that we could manage having another baby. Why should I be
    Grateful that I lost my own child? That I desperately wanted.
    I’ve came to terms and doing better now. God has blessed me to be able to heal so quickly. Thank you for doing this.

  • Shanna says:

    I came across your article shortly after I had my miscarriage. I was so excited to finally be pregnant I had basically told the world I was expecting. I have had a lot of the same feelings that you expressed here. When I had to go every few days for lab work I thought not only do I hurt emotionally, but it looks like I’ve been beaten because of the constant poking of needles had left my arms bruised and sore. One day when the lab tech wasn’t looking I looked at the order for lab work and the diagnosis code said “abortion”! It was like I was sucker punched. I didn’t want to lose my baby it was taken from me. I want to be a mom. My life long dream job has always been and always will be to be a domestic engenieer. I now know what so many women go thru. My sisters have never experienced what I HAD to go thru. I just know that so far it hasn’t killed me, so it must be making me stronger. I have a little more understanding and compassion for moms who have lost a child. Yes I did not get to give birth to my child. Yes I did not get to help my child grow and learn. I was only able to call it my baby for a short time while inside of me. Thank you for your post. May God bless you in your future endeavors.

  • DMS says:

    Thank you so much!! You put into words everything I have felt. My husband and I met and was blessed instantly with a pregnancy, before we could get the wedding out of the way. We had planned to wait and get married in the fall so that we had time to plan it. But by March I was pregnant so the decision was made to move the wedding date up. At the time I worked with children who had been removed from their home due to abuse and there were times we would have to hold them to help them thru something. We got married on Friday and had a nice quiet weekend, but when I awoke on Sunday I had some spotting and some discomfort. We saw the doctor on Monday and all seemed well and I went to work on Tuesday. On that day I had to hold a young man as he worked thru some feelings. It was not violent nor strenuous. But on Wednesday I was cramping horribly and knew we were in trouble. Back to the hospital I went and sure enough the ultrasound showed that our baby no longer had a heart beat. The performed a D&C and sent me home with really nothing more than a “she will be fine” to my husband. I was 9 weeks along and we had been married only 5 days. I know that you know how I felt. My husband just wanted to forget it and move on. But I still carry that baby with me, because for me it was so very real. And I also always worried about us, would we have been married if we had had to wait till fall? And we don’t talk about what happened. So thank you for your words. It is so nice to know I am not alone. God Bless you. Oh this was 14 years ago and we have a beautiful 13 year old daughter. So there is a happy ending.

  • Carl G. Oehling says:

    My medical dictionary does not have the word miscarriage in it. The reason is it does not carry the layman’s terms, Webster’s dictionary does. The hospital used medical terms. The medical term, spontaneous abortion, is considered an act of Jehovah. HE has the right to take back HIS living soul any time HE chooses. That is the choice of our rebellion. I am so sorry for the pain of the spontaneous abortion. Women bond immediately to the child. May the LORD ease your pain.

  • Sarah says:

    to me, abortion is a conscious decision to terminate pregnancy. A miscarriage is out of human control. life is life, no matter what it’s form is

  • Sara says:

    When I went in for my DNC after miscarrying at 13 weeks the staff kept referring to my baby as “the product of conception”. I kept correcting them, but in this day and age of being “PC” you’d think someone would ask what you would like your child referred to as, or at the very least refer to it more kindly rather than clinically.

  • Ashly says:

    I recently suffered the loss of twins. Not only did I find out I was expecting twins but an hour later was told, “there’s no heart beats on either”. What was at one point the happiest moment, besides the news/birth of my first son, of my life. Quickly turned into the absolute hardest most heart wrenching moment of my entire life. I waited a week and got several second opinions because I honestly stil tried to hold onto hope that a miracle would happen and my two babies wouldn’t be gone. I went through the process of the D&C and cried the entire time. Even while under the nurses said I weeped. I went on with my life, sort of, but the bill started coming in. Having no insurance I expected a few. But I received lots! Thousands! I know any medical procedure is expensive but the simple fact after researching a bit that if I CHOSE to have my babies aborted, if I CHOSE to have them killed and taken out of me, it would of costed around $600. But I didn’t chose that. I wanted my twins. So for choosing to keep them it’s costing me well over $6,000. It’s ashamed what has become. I pray for every family affected by a miscarriage past, present, or future, that they will find peace some way or another.

  • Nancy says:

    Please see FaceBook page…..My Child Did Exist

  • Pat says:

    When I realized that I was experiencing a miscarriage, I rushed to the ‘women’s clinic’ where my OB/GYN was; sadly, we were too late and the pregnancy was over. While I was under observation, the centre staff attended my husband and I with such kindness. When we finally went home, I looked at the very thick packet of care instructions and saw that someone had gone thru and used white-out every single place it said “abortion” and written in “miscarriage”. These people, who were regularly harassed–blocked on the sidewalk from entering work, screamed at and spat on by picketers–showed tender respect for our beliefs and our grief. Writing this all these years later, I have tears of gratitude again for their acknowledgment of the difference.

  • Elisabeth says:

    Thank you for your post. It reflected exactly my thoughts! How can the attitude towards this life dictate whether or not it is a life at all? For me, someone who has been trying to have children without any success (YET!) i really appreciated your acknowledgement of this future hope and dream. I am glad that I found your blog. Keep writing!!!

  • mom88 says:

    In a similar way, my experience is that when there is a high termination rate for unborn with a certain condition, the personhood of infants born with these conditions diminishes. It is inevitable when > 90% of society believes the child has a life unworthy of living.

  • Teresa says:

    Thank you for writing this blog. I lost two babies (Feb 12 1997 miscarriage at 8 weeks and June 9 2008 miscarriage at 12 weeks) and it is sad how the world does not regard a baby growing in a womb as life. I have been there to other moms who went through miscarriage and prayed for the baby they carried after the miscarriage. One mom said that I was the only one who asked her how she was doing months after her miscarriage. You are a true blessing to be doing what you are doing with this blog. Again thank you.

  • L.H. says:

    The greatest thing i have ever read. We lost a child before we even knew we were ready to be parents. At seven weeks we were ecstatic…and then heartbroken when i started bleeding. Our doctor acted like it was no big deal, happens all the time.my friends reacted to my pregnancy like i developed cancer. people would say it was too early to be parents, it wasn’t even a baby yet. But we were parents, with hope and love for our child, with names picked, and nursery color options. In the three short weeks we knew we would lie awake at night anticipating who our child would be someday, i never imagined w would never hear its sweet heart beat or see who it would favor most. We were devastated. It tore us apart. We found a way back to one another and finally accepted that God needed that child more. People say they are sorry, but unless you’ve felt it you never know. Until i felt it, i never looked at miscarriage a losing a child.

  • Lea Singh says:

    Great post, very true. Miscarriage touches a very raw nerve in our abortion-soaked society. Loving unborn life hurts those who have ended it on purpose, and those who are somehow complicit in other ways.

  • Jemma says:

    Are we really saying that miscarriages were publicly announced back before abortion became commonplace? Because I’m not sure that is thae case. I do sympathise with anyone who loses a much longed for baby, however I still believe in each woman’s right to choose to terminate a pregnancy. Oddly enough, becoming a mother myself has only strengthened that view as I now know just what is involved in being a mum. Wonderfully written and interesting viewpoint though.

  • Justine says:

    Thank you for writing and sharing this!!

  • maureen benton says:

    i am sorry with all my heart for all of you ladies who have suffered miscarriage (spontaneous abortion is just a medical term, like Rubella for german measles dont give it another thought)i was blessed with 4 children and 6 grandchildren, but i have had an abortion the circumstances of which i will not burden you with it was a very black and deep part of my life. before and after it i was on anti-depressants and have never forgotten the baby that never was and regret with all my heartdoing it, i should have been stronger i tell myself. and this was over 40 years ago. but please consider what the life these aborted babies would have faced as their mothers were obviously driven to despair to resort to such a desperate solution. i am expecting hate mail but please try not to think that each abortion somehow makes your loss, your grief and your pain any less worthy because some of us dont value life. i bless you all x

  • Kay Cox says:

    When I lost my baby, I gave it him a name. I bought a commemorative paver with his name engraved on it. It was placed in the church’s garden.

  • Kay Cox says:

    I bought a commemorative paver and had his name put on it. It was placed in the church’s garden.

  • Erin says:

    This is a wonderful article. As a mom who miscarried the triplet to her twins, it was quite a bittersweet moment. The doctor’s office acted as if there was nothing out of the ordinary, and that I should be grateful that I only had to take care of two babies now instead of 3. Every year on my twins’ bday, I remember their triplet, and will forever wonder what he/she would have been like. I have 3 girls, who bless me daily with giggles, laughter, and love, but it will always be in the back of my mind who that other little baby would have been today.

  • lost says:

    I too had a miscarriage for my first pregnancy. It was early on in the pregnancy so it was too early for me to get excited, but it was still a loss that I needed to grieve over. I took pills to release the “tissue” and was grossed out reading the instructions that indicated these same pills are used for abortions. I am pregnant again, currently 21 weeks and wonder every day if I am still pregnant in fear of having another miscarriage. We want to start a family and are hoping we get to meet this little one.

  • Steph says:

    I had a miscarriage shortly after I got married and had to have a D&C for it. I was only 22 and I guess I looked young because as I was waiting for the procedure the nurse asked me, “Was it wanted?” She meant to be kind, but that question still makes me so angry when I think about it now. Yes, that baby was very much wanted, but really that’s irrelevant. It was a human LIFE, and for that reason alone the loss was a great one. Thank you for sharing. I couldn’t agree with you more.

  • Susan T says:

    Thank you for this. It’s sad that I still don’t feel comfortable openly speaking about my miscarriage because I feel like people would just roll their eyes and not validate my grief. There really isn’t enough support out there for women who have experienced this kind of loss. They just pat you on the back and say “it’ll happen next time.”

  • Susan T says:

    Oh dear. I just accidentally posted that I had an abortion instead of miscarriage! Definitely a miscarriage! Not an abortion.

  • BJ says:

    I am a very blessed woman. We have 6 children living, 2 in heaven from miscarriage, and a precious new granddaughter. Our second child was born with a severe cardiac (heart) defect. We mourned the loss of her twin at 6 weeks into the pregnancy, not even knowing there were two before that day.

    When our daughter was 6 months old, we lost another child to miscarriage at 12 weeks. Although the baby died, my body did not reject it. We waited two weeks. It felt like eternity. The repeated ultrasounds were torture, but we had to be sure, beyond sure, that there would not be another heartbeat. The code for the surgery to “remove it” is the same as for any other “abortion.” As I was working in a hospital at the time, people thought I had made a “different decision” for this life, and I was harassed as I was mourning. We were struggling to help one child survive, mourning another we would never see in this life, and people were unkind. Very few people had known I was pregnant before the miscarriage. Those who did know about the pregnancy would say things like, “you really didn’t want another child like your daughter, did you?” It took every ounce of my being not to scream out “YES!” We didn’t plan the pregnancy, but loved and wanted the child. We struggled to maintain our next pregnancy, as preterm labor was a frequent friend. We named him Jason, which means “healing one.” Nineteen years later, there are still days that healing is not complete. Three more children didn’t bring back the ones who had died.

    A dear friend, a minister and chaplain, shared with me that he and his wife had lost a child to miscarriage. He told me his wife would go to bed at night and pray God would let her “hold” her baby. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep, praying to God to hold ours; I can’t explain how, but in those dark nights there was a warmth and presence in my arms, next to my heart. I know I will see our children again in heaven, and I know I “held” them in my heart.

    You are so right. The culture of abortion has changed our discussion of miscarriage, and changed our culture’s ideas on the worth of life. So many people thought we should have “let our daughter go” who lives so gracefully with her heart defect. What a loss to this world is every child “let go” and every life not celebrated for however many days, minutes, or hours it is placed on this earth. Life is precious and meant to be celebrated, born or unborn. How do we change the conversation? How do we break out of the silence imposed?

    To any other parents reading this, I am sorry for your losses. I weep with you! And I celebrate with you that even for a moment you were blessed with the joy of a new life! Even a life ending in miscarriage or stillbirth is a life created, a life that has purpose, joy and meaning! God bless you, each one of you.

  • B says:

    Thank you for post. I have had 4 miscarriages and I sometimes feel ashamed talking about those babies that I lost because I know that people scoff at the fact that all 4 were lost in the 1st trimester. I have always known that babies cannot be both a child with a life ahead and just a clump of cells. They have always been children to me.

  • Cassie says:

    I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. We had tried to have a baby for a while and my doctor was discussing infertility, and other things. I cancelled my appointment with the doctor and forgot about it. A few days after Christmas we found out we were pregnant. We didnt wait any time calling family and friends we were so excited. Right before Valentine’s day I started bleeding. I called the doctor they said it may not be anything. I still remember the look on the sonographer’s face when she realized there wasn’t a heartbeat. I cried for a very long time. I had to tell everyone. I remember some family members not even calling to see if we were ok. I still feel the pain of that. I remember the first time we went over to their house and the way they pretended it never happened, as though there never was a baby. Society as a whole, I feel has become desensitized to miscarriages. Its very sad and hard. I know that my baby is in heaven with Jesus and one day I hope to see my baby.

  • Healthy Belle says:

    hi Becky,

    My husband and I lost a little one in the fall. It was pain in so many was at one time. I was shocked at how flippant and matter of fact everyone in the ER was about our loss. It was cold and procedural from person to person. It seemed to me that no one really took seriously that we lost a life. We received comments like “first pregnancies usually end in miscarriage” and “a lot of women face this” in tones that said “sick it up sista, you ain’t special!” I understand in context that these statements are facts but I believe that the coldness we experienced was due to the modest of the culture. They did not recognize our Lentil as a baby. They saw him/her as tissue… who can mourn over tissue?

  • Katie says:

    I miscarried twice last year. Thank you for putting into words, so many of the emotions I feel.

  • Jennie says:

    I have just started reading your blog and love what you have to share. Our lives seem very similar. I just wanted to let you know about a friend of mine who is taking action just like you speak about in this post. She started a very rapidly growing non-profit a couple of years ago called Rock Goodbye Angel. It’s a group that helps families through miscarriage, stillborn and early infant loss. They meet together, mourn together, grieve together and heal together. It’s such a wonderful ministry. My precious friend, Angela, who has 3 Angel babies of her own is a precious follower of Jesus and I love and admire her willingness to be His vessel. Anyway, just wanted to share. Love your blog!

  • Kellie says:

    In response to Jess’s post regarding her analogy or comparison of the lives of unborn children to that of pets is another example of how backward our society has become. More money is raised for abandoned animals in the US than for our abandoned children. It sickens me. Though anyone would be angered by the purposeful killing of a pet, I find it chilling to think of how many citizens of this great land would put them in the same category with humans rather than with simple nature such as plants or rodents. I am appalled at how the devaluation of human life is exemplified in so many aspects of American culture since the 1960’s. My heart breaks for all women who have miscarried. I miscarried in the first year of my marriage, right before my husband suffered a severe brain injury in an auto accident that left him comatose before his death 10 long years later…..my child-bearing years. Thank the good Lord for my hubby’s two children who had also previously lost their mother to a drunk driver & who became mine at the instant I married their father. I now have 3 grandsons. Despite my kids’ losses, we have each other and know the blessing of all human life. I too, believe my baby is being nurtured by the angels & we will meet one sweet day.

  • Cheri says:

    Thank you for sharing this! I had a miscarriage about a week after you wrote this. My very first one. I have two adorable children, already, and feel so grateful for them, but the heartbreak that came to my husband and I when we miscarried our third child was real. We knew we had lost a little human being. I’m so grateful for my faith that holds me together, that reminds me that I will be with this child forever, and will be able to raise him at some point in the future. Thank you so much for helping other women be courageous and speak about their own experiences. I’ve shared your blog post on my facebook page. I know it will resonate with MANY of my friends. Thanks again! <3 – Cheri

  • Gail says:

    I lost 5 babies. Each time was harder and harder to get back to normal. What is sad about abortions is they do not tell the women or young person, that their body has already changed and the hormones have changed. Then the shock of the loss & the body all of a sudden changes back. Your body knows it was a baby. I have known women who have lost their babies and women that have aborted their babies. Your body actually goes into mourning. When people would tell me that I was not that far along & it isn’t like I knew them that made things worse. We finally adopted. Then I actually carried a baby full term. What joy!! Then I had another baby. Full term. I realized that they are hard to come by, these babies. I appreciate them so much. Every baby should have a home and love. I learned that too. I am so glad we adopted and had that experience but so glad I finally carried the ones I got to carry to term. Every child is different and each one wants to be loved and accepted. We have so many people adopting out of the country because women have abortions and so many do want them. I have lived a long life and love each of my children, grandchildren & great grandchildren!! It is alright to mourn for the lost ones but I know that they are waiting for me with Jesus and my husband. I will have eternity with them!!

  • Sarah Godwin says:

    Thank you for this. My first miscarriage was early. I didn’t realize I was pregnant until it was ending. That one I suffered in silence, alone. My husband was out of state and I was sick and busy with my other children. I did not go to the doctor. I didn’t even tell my husband until a few months later, when I was happily pregnant again. That happiness lasted, even through terrible sickness and exhaustion, until the twenty-week ultrasound revealed a dead baby. Being induced to deliver my lifeless little girl was torture for me. I was blessed to be able to hold her tiny body and marvel at the perfection of her tiny hands and feet. The Catholic doctor and nurses were wonderful throughout the whole ordeal. My beautiful homeschool community provided meals for the first week and ongoing encouragement ever since. Some well-meaning people at church said things that implied that it wasn’t so bad because I hadn’t lost a real child. This is the view of many people, even Christians, in this culture of abortion, as you said. One good thing that came out of this loss was a more open discussion, at least among some, of the real pain of miscarriage. Many ladies at church had suffered miscarriages, some of them multiple times. My openness about my loss enabled them to speak out years later about their ongoing pain and struggle. Thank you for broaching the subject in such a candid way. We need to talk about the tragedy of death, even such tiny ones. Molly’s death ahs opened discussion with my other children about faith, heaven, eternity, etc. God is sovereign and good throughout all of this.

  • I’m from Italy…Me & hubby passed trough the experience of Two miscarriages.We created pur charity to help people like us to gave our precious angel the dignity they deserve. I’ve read your story (so similar to my first mc) yesterday night while I was not sleeping thinking of my 2 angels. Now i’m the lucky moment of 5 children but they are still in my hart…. Today I’ve read this and it seem to me that you’ve written my thoughts.
    The terrible thing is that here in italy mc is called abortion and instead abortion is called voluntary pregnancy interruption!!! I’m working to change this and not ear that painful word any longer! I’m deeply convinced that word can change what people think. And most of all that tey were children! I don’t judge Who choose abortion… Many mothers feel the guilt of the choice and the pain for the loss… But i stand up saying: they were all children!

  • jessica millerwise says:

    Wow… what an awesome article! Thank you and please continue to write about this!!! It always made me sick in nursing school when people referred to a miscarriage as a spontaneous abortion. It felt like the person didn’t want the baby… and it hurt even more when I refused to say that I had a “spontaneous…” I still refuse to say it. I lost my baby! MY flesh and blood, and not some piece of tissue. Sorry for the rant. I am still angry about nursing school and the profs that were so determined to call it what it was not.

    anyways. thank you for this article!

  • Becky says:

    Thanks for this well-written post. As a woman who has a history of abortion, I appreciate your heart. I regret my choice; I know the “tissue” was a baby. I mourn my loss, and I mourn yours too. I will join you in praying and fighting that life will be acknowledged from conception.

  • Amber says:

    I really appreciated your post. I agree with your views, but likewise respect how you approached the subject. It does need to come to the forefront! Thanks! Check out my blog if you get a chance. Let me know what you think. =)

  • Samantha says:

    I’m not sure if anyone mentioned it (so many wonderful comments!). But http://www.stillbirthday.com is a great resource.
    Take care. I’m so sorry for your loss

  • Dawn says:

    We get a day – http://www.october15th.com/

    I’ve had three. One in 2009, two this year. So sorry for your loss.

  • […] Discussion of Miscarriage […]

  • Stephanie says:

    Thank you for this! It has been almost three years since my miscarriage. I have never experienced anything so heart wrenching or devastating. It was amazing to me though how many people came out of the woodwork telling me about how they, their moms, their sisters, their wives, etc. had lost a child in this way. It really is mind boggling how something so common and so painful is rarely spoken of (until it happens to you).
    I have since been blessed with the most beautiful little girl in the world, but I still have that ultrasound in my jewelry box. I still tear up when I talk about it. I still wonder sometimes what could have been.

  • NeeNee says:

    Until your article I never thought about abortion or miscarriage like that. I have four children. I had the first at the age of 20 and I fought my family because I would not have an abortion. My son was a gift from God and I would not kill him. At the beginning of my last pregnancy I was carrying twins. But by my second appointment there was only one. I know that God has a plan but sometimes I still want my other baby. I didn’t even get to begin dreaming for it. I can’t imagine the heartache of dreaming and planning for a life that ends so early. DON’T BE SILENCED! Talk about your baby because it was. From the time there is a heart beat it has life (18 days). I talk about my baby and I didn’t even get to dream.

  • Shannon says:

    AMEN! I am sorry for your loss and I applaud your courage to say what you have said. Thank you.

  • jamie g says:

    I will never forget how I felt when on my d&c paperwork it said “missed abortion”. This was a wanted child who went to heaven at 13 weeks, beginning of 2nd trimester.

  • Kevin Kukla says:

    Thanks for opening / continuing the dialogue on miscarriage.

    I, myself, have lost five babies to miscarriage, including twin boys at 18 weeks.

    I wrote a testimony of my experience as a grieving father on my blog. Here is the link: http://prolife365.com/lostfatherhoodbymiscarriage

    God bless,
    -Kevin Kukla

  • I have been through this twice. It’s not easy and don’t know how I will ever try again

  • Suzanne says:

    I have sensed this problem since my first miscarriage. I’ve had five. I have considered different ways to memorialize my babies, but for now I have a beautiful drawing of Jesus holding a baby, and I have their names written in my Bible.

  • I have had at least 3 early miscarriages: ALL of which were devastating to me ! It has taken me 10 years to get to where I don’t cry when I see a little red-headed baby girl or boy ! God has blessed us with 3 healthy boys: ages 24, 15 & 11. I will never be “over” the grief of losing our babies’, but I do believe that we have at least 3, maybe 4 precious children in Heaven just waiting for us ! My Mom has a plaque of 2 Angels carrying 2 baby angels up to Heaven, and that has helped me process the hurt & sorrow some. I cannot WAIT to get to Heaven to see our babies who were immediately in the arms of Jesus before they were even born. Jesus said on earth we will have many sorrows, but that they will not outweigh the glory we will see in Heaven (paraphrased because I can’t remember the exact passage).

  • […] woman working to end that silence is Scissortail Silk blogger Becky Thompson. Her post last month How Abortion has Changed the Discussion of Miscarriage has now been shared by almost 100,000 readers. In that post, Becky rightly says that denying the […]

  • Jayne says:

    Thank you so much for this article! I could not agree with you more. I have not had a miscarriage but lost my daughter when she was a day old due to being born prematurely at 27 weeks. It hurts my heart when people ask “were you full term?” because my first thought is, why does that matter? She was my daughter and I did everything in my power to protect her. It does not matter wether you lost you baby at 4 weeks, 12 weeks, 20 weeks, ect. that was your CHILD. I work in medicine and I hate the term “abortion” for losses less than 20 weeks. I really hope that our society can learn to value life (all life!) and not fall in to these traps that have been set up for us by those who are pro-abortion.

  • MD says:

    This is absolutely beautiful. I am sorry for your loss, but appreciate the contradiction you’ve so eloquently highlighted. It is one of many when it comes to the abortion argument. We’ve gotten to the point where we’re mourning over animal cruelty more than the loss of human life.

  • bethanyb says:

    Thank you for writing this! THANK YOU. I recently lost our second baby but am now expecting again (already!) it still hurts to think about what life my little one might have had and I STILL say this is our third baby. Yes, I only have on living baby but I also have one in heaven and he/she was STILL my baby. I think saying that this is our third makes people feel uncomfortable. Maybe it is because they see the world as you have said. Maybe they feel I am holding on for to long to someone whom I have never met. I don’t know, but this was so comforting to know that there are other mothers out there who feel the same. <3

  • Brad says:

    Thanks for sharing your heart! I’m a father of 3 babies lost to miscarriage (and 2 wonderful boys who I get spend every day with as well). When my wife and I lost our first two, we were devastated, and felt exactly this way. We did memorialize our children in a different way. We wrote letters to our children, and put them into a bottle and thew the bottle into the sea (actually the bay). It was a great closure time and felt a lot of healing from it. Praying for you today.

  • Rene Frye says:

    It took us 5 years to get pregnant with our son because of infertility caused by endometriosis. We were so blessed to have our prayer baby in our life. Then I got pregnant again when he was 1, it was a surprise that ended at 6 weeks. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I had lost the baby. I was sad because we wanted more than one child. I went on with my life the way people always expect you to. Then when our son was a little over 2, I took a pregnancy test because I was 3 weeks late with my period. I looked at the pregnancy test and thought there is no way. I took it out to my husband to have him confirm it. Oh yes, there was a pink line. I took two tests just to be sure before I called my doctor. I went to the doctor and we were thrilled to be pregnant again. Life was so good, even though I was so sick and with a 2 year old to take care of, life was more than interesting. We heard the heartbeat at 3 months, so excited because I had passed that 6 week mark. I was wearing different clothes and started to look pregnant. Went to the doctor at 18 weeks to make sure all was good. All was not good, no heartbeat, sent me for an ultrasound, no hope for our baby. The baby was a girl, and there was so no hope for her to join our family. God needed her up in heaven with him for some reason. I went into the hospital and was given drugs to help me go into labor to deliver that sweet baby. My body refused to give her up, so I had to have a D&C when they took my baby. One day I was pregnant, the next day I was not. I was not up to every day life. I never thought I would be up to every day life. That day was 18 years ago. My baby girl would have graduated from high school this year. It was a very hard year for me. I looked at all the young men and women graduating and thinking my baby Nicole would have been up there graduating with them. I was blessed to have a great support group when I lost my baby. But there is not a day that I do think about her and wonder what she would have looked like and what she wanted to do with her life. How she would have interacted with her brother?? :) Life goes on, but those of us who have suffered a miscarriage, it is never the same.

  • Suzette says:

    Actually, for women who have had abortions those babies are babies too. Even though at the time you are in a sense of denial. As time goes by you begin to think of your baby. What sex it might have been, what it might have looked like, how old would it be now, how your life would have been different had you chosen to have him or her? You never forget or completely forgive yourself in spite of what society tells you. You are a mother forever once you are pregnant and you never ever forget.

  • Maria Orozco says:

    I recently miscarried on June 27 and now I’m feeling empty and so very sad. My heart is broken. This was my fourth pregnancy. Though I have three healthy children with no complications during pregnancy, my pain is excruciating. I felt so happy knowing I was going to have a new baby to join us. And now she’s gone. I don’t know if it was a girl, but I have a feeling it was. I miss my baby that all I do is cry. I feel so guilty, because when I first found out I was pregnant we were not content. In fact, my husband took me to a cold dark dingy abortion clinc (literally). Personally, I am against abortion yet in this case my husband tried to convince me that it was best for the family to get the abortion. I cried while I was there. In my heart I knew I couldn’t. And I didn’t. The clinic did not allow children so my husband waited outside with my three year old daughter. If my husband was in the clinic with me, he might of have pushed me to get the abortion. I’ll never forget that day. It was a somber day from the moment I got the referral to the point of entering the clinic. I felt relief once I left. I got home and I remember touching my tummy and saying “I love you, I want you.” I knew I couldn’t do it. After that my husband did not speak to me or sleep with me for about 8 weeks. I suffered so much because of his coldness and indifference; I felt alone. It was horrible, yet all along my baby gave me strength I. I would tell myself that I didn’t care if he ignored me. I only cared that I was keeping my baby and was looking forward to a new life with it. I bought almost everything right from the start. How I took things for granted. After 8 weeks, my husband finally came around and was content with my choice.
    I never thought I would miscarry at 12 weeks. I had bought so many things. Ironically, I felt I was more prepared with this baby than with the other three. My high chair has yet to come. My crib is in the box. The new born green diapers are in the boxes. All my different bottles are now put away. I was so looking forward to nursing my baby and pumping. All my maternity patterns are still unopened. I was about to start making some clothes. I pray to God that I may accept this pain. I miss my baby. I wish it was still growing in me. But it’s not, and now I hope to move on from this pain but can’t at this moment. I feel for other mothers who have gone through this. I can’t imagine through another miscarriage. May God give us strength and hope that we will one day meet in heaven. Thankfully, my husband told me we can try again. I will never replace my baby. Though I feel, if God permits, the next baby will be a reflection of the baby I lost. Thankfully, my husband wants another child, yet I still can’t help myself in feeling a bit of resentment towards him. My hope is that I can fully forgive him, and that we may conceive a heathy child to full term by the age 38. Thank you for taking the time in reading my grief, and I thank others for sharing thier experience.

  • N.K. says:

    I am so sorry about your loss. I know that there have been times when I hesitated to say those words to someone who lost their baby–for fear that they would think that I was trying to rub it in their face because my children were alive, or that I didn’t understand and could not understand (I know that I can only understand it as much as my imagination can allow) and that they would be offended at my trying to help. The only thing that I could do…was pray for them, hug if they wanted/needed me to, and try not to contribute to their pain.

  • Joyce Fisher says:

    When I had my first miscarriage I was so angry that the doctor told me I was having a spontaneous abortion and that it was coded in my medical records as such. I never understood why it couldn’t be coded as a miscarriage, I didn’t want the word “abortion” connected to my baby’s life. Although it was very early in the pregnancy…I hadn’t even had a chance to hear the baby’s heartbeat, I was overwhelmed with grief and spiraled into such a depression that only deepened with each miscarriage that followed. Grief & depression that was made so much worse when people would say, “It was God’s will.” or “It’s Mother Nature’s way of getting rid of babies with defects.” It is sad that people don’t seem to recognize the intense heartache that follows a miscarriage. I thank God constantly for the incredible blessing of my two daughters, they are a constant source of joy, but yet, there are times still today, 28 years since my first of four miscarriages, that I find tears rolling down my cheeks when I think of the babies I never got to hold.

  • Eva Cortens says:

    After our first miscarriage I was shattered, however I had some excellent prayer and spiritual counsel. We named our baby and entrusted him/her to the The Lord. I have since had 3 more miscarriages and four live births. We have named all the children we lost: Christa, Joshua, John-Paul and Sam. Having gone through the experience the first time in such a positive way, the next three losses were a little easier to cope with, even though I did experience pain and loss. In Sam’s case, we were granted permission by our pastor to bury the little body in the church yard, where we can visit and remember them all!

  • linsy says:

    The exact same thing happened to me in 2009. I spoke with multiple representatives from my insurance company and 3 out of the 4 accused me of electing to have an abortion. They spoke to me as if I was disgusting. It was almost one year later when all of the bills were resolved. I agree that we need to speak up. I am sorry for your loss as well as the added pain you endured with your insurance company.

  • Teresa says:

    Extremely insightful! Thank you.

  • Alyssa says:

    Hi, my name is Alyssa and I just read your HOW ABORTION HAS CHANGED THE DISCUSSION OF MISCARRIAGE post. I have never been on your website but someone shared the link to this post on Facebook and I had to read it. I am 21 but when I was 18, I was forced into having an abortion by my mother. The emotional pain that I felt afterwards was something I would wish on no one. I was having symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. It’s been about two and a half years now and I have always felt that no one understood what I felt and why I mourned for so long. Until I read your post. I wanted to thank you for putting this out there because what you said was true. People think that just because we didn’t hold the baby, it wasn’t there. But for 8 weeks we were pregnant and for 8 weeks we had a growing almost-human inside of us and for 8 weeks we planned our future. I know our situations are different but at the day we both had an unwanted termination of a pregnancy and for you to say what you said in your post was so strong. Thank you so much because now I know I’m not alone.

  • Andrea says:

    Thank you for this humbling tribute to us parents that have lost a child due to miscarriage. There is no greater heartache than losing a child. This piece hits the nail on the head. I am very blessed that I have family and friends who were there to comfort me when I had both of my miscarriages. I have been blessed to also have two very healthy little boys. I cannot wait to one day meet my little heavenly angels and hold them in my arms.

  • Cristina says:

    This was beautifully written and so heartfelt. It brought me to tears. I have never experienced a miscarriage, but the thought of it happening is so scary. My heart goes out to everyone who has had to endure this type of pain. This article could’nt have been worded better, especially about society and how accepting they are about abortions. Such a sad world we live in.

  • NM says:

    I got unexpectedly pregnant two ago. We were tracking my periods and ovulation dates, and we thought it was a “safe” week, but since it was the first month not nursing my 15-month-old, it wasn’t. My cycle had shortened. My husband was not happy about this surprise pregnancy. I was upset only that he was upset. I convinced him that it would be ok, and we moved forward. After 2 weeks of turmoil over it, finally leading to acceptance for him, and happiness and joy for me, I lost my baby. Just a couple of days before we were to hear the heartbeat, it was gone. I had a really really difficult time dealing with it. I saw a therapist for a couple of months (at $60/visit, which makes proper mental health care really unaffordable. Once a week for 8 weeks and I racked up a $480 bill, and that’s with insurance).

    My husband didn’t want to talk about it. He was relieved. (actually, he was upset that this unexpected pregnancy and loss was going to cost us nearly $500 in therapy bills. He thought I should just deal with it.) It was the first time that I’d felt a loss that he didn’t feel as a loss. He was sad that I was sad, but for him it was a weight off his shoulders. How could he afford to support 3 children on his salary?

    People kept saying, “Well, you can try again.” But I knew that wasn’t true. He didn’t want another one. People said, “Well, you have two healthy boys. What more can you want?” But loving the two that I had did nothing to negate the love that I felt for that baby. I was lucky to have a best friend who supported me through it. She was my rock, and I’ll never forget how she carried me through the muck that I was drowning in. She let me cry, she showed up to take my boys to the park so I could have a moment to myself to feel my emotions. She treated it like the loss that it was.

    I totally support women’s right to choose. Abortion is not for me, but I don’t feel that it’s my place to choose for everyone else. I think that there’s a way to say, “If you don’t feel that it was life, and you abort it, then that is your choice and you might feel ok. I support you because it’s your body, your life, your choice. But if you wanted that baby, if you fought for that baby, and then you lose it, it’s a loss. It’s valid. Cry, feel… love that life lost too soon. You lost a whole potential branch of your life. You’ll live the rest of your life in an alternate reality. I support you.”

  • Hope says:

    My self esteem dived to the bottom after suffering three early losses. I feel useless in my marriage but outwardly, I am functioning well.

    I still hope to find hope for my uncommon condition.
    http://babymakingfromhope.blogspot.sg

  • Emily B says:

    I am so sorry about your baby lost to miscarriage. Here is a wonderful story that “speaks out” about miscarriage
    http://www.conversationwithwomen.org/2014/07/21/miscarriage-love-father/

  • Sue says:

    I too had a miscarriage over 21 year ago. I am a bit surprised, all these years later, how easily my emotions were brought to the surface and many tears shed after reading your story and other peoples comments. I am glad to say that I have 3 healthy grown boys/men but I still remember the child I lost and look forward to meeting him/her one day in heaven. My advice to others is take time to grieve, don’t let well-meaning friends, family rush you back into the day to time routine.

  • Diana Ware says:

    I disagree with her. It is not something new to society. It has always been treated like it was no big deal. Even carrying a baby full term and it being stillborn was no big deal. You never held it, you didn’t know it, so get on with life. Instead of blaming the unfortunate women who believe that abortion is the choice they have to make, blame a society that doesn’t believe that unseen children have no value. I am not writing this from an intellectual view, but, from experience. I gave birth to a baby that was carried to full term, and died hours before he was born. The nurses told me that I had two children and could have more, don’t grieve. My mother told me that I just needed to forget it and move on. I was told that it wasn’t like I had held him or knew him, I just needed to get over it. It is not that easy. He would be 45 now and I still miss him. Let’s educate people and teach them that life is life, whether it is seen or not.

  • mygreatloves says:

    […] And you know what?  Miscarriages are exhausting!  Both physically and emotionally.  So I am trying to be on top of everything while being completely drained.  Explaining that to people who have never experienced it is just too much right now.  Because talking about miscarriage has changed.   […]

  • J says:

    This post is so beautifully written. It shows complete vulnerability and transparency. I wish more people will come across this post and understand the love you’re spreading. When you said, “I think that the women who have had an abortion are just as loveable as those who have not… if they aren’t… then I need to work on who I think is worthy of love.”, this shows how self-reflecting and humbling ourselves is so important. As well as loving and NOT being judgmental of others. We all come from different walks of life so who are we to judge another person?

    All the best to you, prayers and love sent your way.

  • Michele says:

    I totally understand. I had a similar issue when our son was born still late 2nd trimester. At that point, it is a still born. Labor was induced and Joshua was delivered after an agonizing night of labor. We had a funeral and there was a stone eventually placed. However, since our state doesn’t recognize a still birth as actual BIRTH, we were issued a “Certificate of Fetal Demise” and expect to accept that he had died but he had not been born? It’s crazy the way our society treats life and death. Crazy.

  • Melissa says:

    This makes my heart ache because I absolutely believe that this all can go both ways. I am an unmarried woman in my early 30s and honestly – I don’t know anything about your blog beyond this post. Don’t know if you’re married, have children, etc. More than anything I want to someday be a mom. SOMEDAY. SOMEDAY. Not today when I’m unmarried and living in a one bedroom apartment. Honestly I feel like this must all come down to pre-marital sex, which I engage in. I have never had an abortion but I have taken a pregnancy test and was pretty certain that if it was positive, I would have one. I do not feel comfortable raising a child alone AT THIS STAGE IN MY LIFE. If I do not find someone that I want to raise a child with in the next few years, I will cross that bridge. There is nothing I want more before I die than to be a mother. But I am so grateful that I have the option to terminate a pregnancy that I am not ready for. This is not to say that my heart does not ache for my friends that have had miscarriages…or anyone that has had a miscarriage. I know how much these babies are wanted and prayed for. I feel the same way for my future children. But really this comes down to religion and what the Bible says about abortion. I feel so unbelievably lucky that as a woman in this country, I can terminate an unwanted pregnancy. And I pray to God that one day I will be able to have the two children I so desperately want. I don’t think it has to be all or nothing.

  • Brandi Spaulding says:

    Hello, I am a graduate student studying Postpartum Depression in women who have had miscarriages. There is very little research out there regarding the experiences of women who have suffered from a miscarriage. Your words are exactly what I have been looking for. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story.

    Brandi Spaulding

  • Taylor says:

    WOW! This is everything I needed to hear! I am recovering from my first miscarriage and it’s such a hard thing to deal with when you are surrounded by people who have never experienced that kind of loss.

  • Rochelle says:

    While I agree with your points, when I had a miscarriage of my own, it was actually pro-life arguments that hurt me the most. “Abortion is murder,” I saw over and over my Facebook page, since my body decided to miscarry (early–at 6 weeks) over Mother’s Day weekend. And all I could see was that if abortion was murder, I had just committed manslaughter. Not only had my child died, but my body caused it to die. I felt all the emotions of losing a child too soon, and then I felt guilt on top of that.

    Since that happened, I’ve decided there is no good way to discuss abortions and miscarriages in the same breath. Pro-choice arguments deny that I lost a child. Pro-life ones made me feel to blame for losing it. And for me, after a six-week miscarriage, it was easier to pretend it was just tissue I lost, not the chance at being a mother.

    (13 months later, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. But the summer between my miscarriage and my second pregnancy were heartbreaking.)

  • Jen says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I agree so much with you; miscarriage should not be a taboo topic. I know so many women who have grieved alone because “no one talks about it.” And even though the feeling of loss lessens over time, the pain does return periodically.

    I unfortunately had a similar experience with our last pregnancy…baby had died in utero…a health issue necessitated an induced birth…insurance wouldn’t pay because it was billed as an elective abortion. On the one hand I was thrilled to know that our insurance company didn’t pay for such procedures, but the monthly calls I had to make to the billing and insurance companies were really hard.

    Thank you for this post.

  • Tiffany says:

    You go girl!!! I’m as pro-choice feminist as they come. Personally I think if you love the baby inside of you it’s a baby and should be treated and discussed as such. And if you want it out and think of it as a bundle of cells it can and should be treated as such. Miscarriage tear you apart from the inside out not just physically but emotionally. Thank you for discussing yours in this post and others and thanks for the kind words about not liking abortion but not disliking women who make that choice when it comes down to it THAT is what pro-choice is about. Abortion sucks and shouldn’t happen but unintended pregnancies happen so it’s a nececary evil.

  • Thank you for talking about this. I had one miscarriage at 8 weeks. I didn’t share it with anyone except my parents because I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant in first place. I was also horrified that they called this a spontaneous abortion. It wasn’t an abortion at all. I wanted this baby very badly.
    when I went to talk to my doctor about my miscarriage two weeks later she recommended that I see a psychologist if I continue to be sad. I wasn’t sad. I was mourning my baby.

  • Jan says:

    Wow! You could have written that article about me! I went in for my first check up around 11 wks along. Was not expecting the Dr to tell me he couldn’t detect a heart beat and that my baby had died. He said it had died a couple weeks prior and he wanted to schedule a DNC but I couldn’t do it until I was absolutely certain there was no life still inside me. It took me a few days to come to grips with it before I could go ahead with the DNC. Lots of tears that day. How could something so small make me feel so much loss and sadness? It was my 3rd pregnancy and such a shock. I carried my other 2 to term so definitely wasn’t expecting anything like that to happen to me. My husband regrets not going to that first appt with me and having to deal with the news alone but who could have expected that bombshell?? I was in a deep depression and cried so much over the next month or so. I still wonder if it was a boy or a girl and what they would look like. It didn’t help when people would say things like “It happened for a reason. There must have been something wrong with it.” Maybe that was the case but that’s not what I needed to hear. To me it was just my baby and I won’t ever get a chance to meet him or her.

  • Kristi C says:

    I think the hardest part is hearing the “at least” comments.

    At Least it was early in the pregnancy

    At least it was before the baby was born

    At least the baby won’t know heartache

    At least….

    I miscarried when I was 17, at 8 weeks, and 2 years ago when I was at 12 weeks (I am 32). And I had a son in between. What I wouldn’t give to hold each of those precious babies for “at least” a minute. To kiss them, to say goodbye.

    The pain of miscarriage is the pain of hope denied. It’s the pain of people’s lack of understanding because “you didn’t really lose a baby….”. If I didn’t lose a baby, then why would my heart ache even now as I think about them both. Why would I wonder who they would’ve been, and what they would look like today. If they weren’t real, then why would I be pro-life?

    It’s by God’s grace that I carry another precious child in my womb today. A precious child with a calling and a future. A uniquely created person unlike anyone who has lived before, or ever will live again. And I am blessed for it.

    My heart aches for women who have had elective abortions, because I don’t think they are “allowed” to feel the grief that I felt. I don’t think society lets them mourn. And so they stuff it down, as if it’s not real, because the fact of the matter is that it hurts too much.

    The second miscarriage I ended up in the emergency room. The baby had never actually developed past 7 weeks, but the sac and uterine lining had all continued to grow. My body never got the message that my baby had died. The bleeding was something I am not sure I would believe if I hadn’t experienced it. I needed a D&C to remove the sac that was stuck to my uterine wall causing a bleeding hole…the insurance company refused to pay as well, because the hospital miscoded it. My heart broke having to explain that I did not have an “elective abortion”…in fact the hospital I was at did not even provide that service. It was so difficult to grieve and deal with that.

  • CM says:

    This is an eye-opening revelation and a fantastic idea to change the culture.

    Prayers for your baby, and you.

    Thanks for sharing.

  • Ashley says:

    I love this article. Thank you, for saying some of the things you said. I can remember every single detail of my miscarriage…as I’m sure you can too. I can remember thinking how can people expect me to pick up and go to work the next day as if nothing happened….because they did. I can remember being told the day after my miscarriage that, “God has a reason for everything.” I know he does, I am a christian woman, but that is not what I wanted to hear right then. I just wanted to still have a little baby inside my tummy. I lost that baby in the first trimester and in my mind I already had so many hopes and dreams for him/her. I remember seeing the bright red blood and praying that everything was ok. I called my OB nurse and she told me without any hesitation or remorse that I most likely had a miscarriage with a tone that I wouldn’t expect from my worst enemy. Since then I have had 2 beautiful little girls…but I know I will never be able to go on…”like there never was a baby.”

  • me says:

    I don’t mean this to come across as confrontational. I’ve suffered my own version of this loss nearly 15 years ago. The pain still finds a way to creep in from time to time. But I have found many people willing to discuss it, and share their own stories… Which brings me to my point: Abortion, no matter how anyone feels about it, is NOT why people didn’t react the way you felt they should, it is because miscarriages are so incredibly common. And it is compounded by the fact that the tiny life that had so much pull over your heart, did not get the chance to impact the lives of those around you. People who have not experienced even the first flicker of parenthood cannot easily relate to such a situation, regardless of their views on when life begins.

  • Barbara Seaholm says:

    I lost my first baby when I was about 3 1/2 months along. That was 33 years ago and I remember it like yesterday. Called the doctor in a panic, because I had spotted. And then went into full-blown labor (although at the time, I didn’t realize that because I’d never experienced that before). Some 12 hours later I “delivered”. In the hospital, I experienced a D&C. I always wanted a very large family and besides mourning the loss of this baby, I was so worried that I may never have any children. The biggest kick to the gut came with the hospital bill. And until reading your post, I never knew anyone else with the same experience. My bill was for an abortion. I was sickened when I saw that. Just so upset. So thank you for sharing your story. After all these years, I’m still sad about the whole event. Thankfully, I went on to birth three healthy babies. But I will never forget my first. And I agree that abortion has changed the way society looks at miscarriage.

  • Julie says:

    Your article is deeply touching. Though I never experienced miscarriage, it was always a fear in each of my four pregnancies. I can only imagine the heartbreak you and other mothers who have lost their babies experience. When I was pregnant and heard the word “abortion” or an inference about terminating a pregnancy, my arms would wrap protectively around my tummy while I mourned for a life such as the one I carried being ripped out and thrown away. I ask anyone who denies that an aborted “fetus” (we stopped saying “unborn baby” in the 70’s after abortion was legalized)is a real viable human being to please explain to me, then, how their life began. Did it begin at conception? Or did it begin when your mother failed to take the steps necessary to remove you from her womb? They say the most dangerous place on earth to be is in a womb. What does that say about our civilization?

  • Cindy says:

    Miscarriage could be a sign of Celiac Disease. Please check out http://www.cureceliacdisease.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/CDCFactSheets10_SymptomList.pdf
    You do not need to have other symptoms. I have two children with CD. One had symptoms and the other had no obvious signs. Only 15% of individuals with Celiac Disease are diagnosed. A simple blood test can begin the diagnosis process.Spread the word, perhaps preventing someone else the pain of losing a baby. I am so sorry for your loss.

  • Becca says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry to hear you lost one of your babies through miscarriage. In recent years it has really started to bother me as well, how miscarriages are silenced. My sister-in-law miscarried… I found out a few years afterward. It’s sad. That was my little niece or nephew that I was never given the chance to celebrate and mourn. I think the “secret” of miscarriages also causes us to, inadvertently, endorse abortion. Or at least to act just like the proponents of abortion and act like it wasn’t an actual child who lost their life.
    I pray you and all the others who lost children through miscarriage would feel God’s healing.

  • Lauren says:

    ——KJ – MAY 13, 2014 – 10:53 AM
    I disagree with you completely. Abortion has not changed the voice of miscarriage, and is not to blame for the silence you so describe. Our society has history of hiding a woman’s “faults”, including miscarriages, from the public eye because a woman’s worth is largely measured by her ability to procreate. Changing this takes time and acceptance, not finger-pointing or blame.——

    I totally agree with this. We mustn’t forget that parents who do choose to abort can still have grief and feelings of loss, for their baby, as well as feelings of guilt and shame.

  • Lisa says:

    I miscarried twins. I saw the feluses come out in the toilet. It has bee. A couple years. My husband was discussing how we have 6 kids, and I said, it is hard on me sometimes, to say we have 6. He said nothing, and frankly, I think he has forgotten, mostly. It was not his pain as much as it was mine, as I had felt the life inside me, and he had not. I said, we would have eight, had I not miscarried. I carry this pain and sorrow alone. That is the hard part.

  • Laura says:

    When we lost ours, they were twins. I was 18 and 20 weeks. They were born separately. The hospital asked what we wanted to do with the remains. If they ran an autopsy and did testing to try and find a cause, the baby t would not be returned to us. We sort of wanted to find out what went wrong, but were curious what would happen to him. The nurse at the hospital said “IT will be incinerated with the rest of the medical waste.” That was probably one of the 2 most inappropriate sentences I have ever heard. The other would be when I called the insurance after they refused to pay, like yours. It was coded as spontaneous, but the idiot sorting the claims for BCBS didn’t know the difference and just saw abortion and went with that. The “specialist” on the phone said -Look it was your choice to kill your baby. Don’t get all mad at me cause we aren’t paying for your mess. 20 weeks. 20 weeks. He was a real person. He had not just fingers and toes, but nails, too! He moved. He had a name and a big sister who couldn’t wait to know him. “Incinerated with the rest of the medical waste” A sentence no one, especially a parent grieving such a loss should be told.

  • Theresa says:

    Thank you! I suffered a miscarriage 6 years ago and, yes, I’ve moved on. I know my child is in heaven waiting for me. It’s so hard when so few actually acknowledge that I did suffer a loss. It wasn’t just a blob of tissue it was a CHILD. I feel in my heart that it was a girl and I’ve named her Sarah Katherine. I remember her actually right around this time every year. It would have been her birthday. I’ve since had a beautiful boy who probably wouldn’t be here if she had been born. So, I know God is in all.

    Thanks for “listening”.

  • Steph says:

    What a beautifully brave article. Thank you.

  • Bryan says:

    I really appreciate this post. My wife and I have five kids, but have also suffered 4 miscarriages…the most recent, yesterday. We know firsthand how difficult this is to bear. Even our children feel the weight of the loss. Thanks again for sharing. Oh, and just think…our little ones may be playing together on Heaven’s playground….

  • sharon byles says:

    Having had 2 miscarriages myself, I can tell you without a doubt in my heart that when I arrive in heaven, I will joyously be reunited with my babies I lost. They r there in the arms of my grandmother and mother waiting for me.I believe this is true for all those who experience the heartbreak of a miscarriage.Your babies r waiting for u…rejoice in the knowledge they will be waiting to snuggle
    in your arms when u leave this life and r present with your Lord.

  • Amber Reid says:

    Thank yo fir writing this. You have taken the words out of my mouth. My miscarriage at 8 weeks still tears my heart apart 4.5 years later. I wanted him. I loved him. But to most he was just a piece of tissue. I heard things like, “you are lucky you miscarried, you wouldn’t have wanted a baby that was retarded”. I wanted my baby any way God saw fit. And if he had disabilities, I would have loved him just the same. And “at least you were only 8 weeks”. It hurts the same as though he were 8 months.

  • […] As a society, as an international community, we need to allow people to share their loss and be compassionate towards them.  We need to allow them the space they need,  we mustn’t rush them.  Or silence them. […]

  • Jessica says:

    What a fascinating connection you’ve made, keep speaking this point. It contains very healing messages about women’s voices being silenced, and the confusion between abandoning tissue versus embracing a hope-filled life.

  • Nancy W says:

    beautifully written. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and it devastated me. I remember one woman, who had lost a child shortly after birth, was surprised that i was so devastated from “a miscarriage”
    I lost my 21 month old son 3 years ago to cancer. Of course that was life altering. But, I am still sad over the baby I never got a chance to know. While it is not the same in anyway, my heart does still break for those that loose a pregnancy.

  • Debbie says:

    Hello: Your story was passed to me by a friend. It was incredibly well said and I can add nothing to it but to say “thank you”. I’m sure it will give many women something to think about and refer back to during their lives and hopefully to pass along as I will. Take care…sorry for your loss.

  • Andrea says:

    Thank you!!!! Thank you for writing this, thank you for understanding, thank you for sharing your story. We lost our first one after a year of trying and the “tissue” was disposed of after a night’s stay in the hospital. But that was our baby and I still wonder what that baby would have been like today…with our 4 children that God has since blessed us with. I can’t wait to see that baby one day. Until then, I will support others who are going through it. Thank you!

  • ally says:

    Thank you so much for posting. I miscarried my first pregnancy at 8 weeks. Although it was an unplanned pregnancy, I had accepted it, became excited for what was coming, and I loved my baby. I was so depressed after the miscarriage that I stayed in bed for the following week, denying food and silently crying. I was lucky enough to have a very supportive boyfriend who tried to cheer me up and coax me to eat. Your article is the first thing that I’ve read that I completely related to. Although my boyfriend was there for me and grieving in his own way,I still felt very alone. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to talk about it, and I sort of felt guilty for grieving. I think you explained why I had those feelings better than I’ve ever been able to rationalize them myself. Society definitely doesn’t acknowledge miscarriage as a loss or a tragedy, and women (and men) who are unfortunate enough to go thru it are expected to “get over it.” Thank you again for being so understanding and insightful. I’ve just found your blogs today and I love them.

  • Tina says:

    Thank you for pouring your heart out here. I lost my son when I was almost 6 months pregnant with him, due to placenta previa. Not called a “miscarriage”, but not called anything really. He was born alive, but never took a “breath”, so I never got a birth certificate or a death certificate. I was lucky enough to be able to actually bury him and have a grave to go to in order to get through the mourning, and now to just remember that precious little life that was lost way too soon. However, it still really really bothers me that he didn’t get even enough recognition to show he WAS, with a piece of paper that said he was BORN. HE WAS. HE LIVED inside me for almost 6 months, he actually “lived” after he was born, although never taking an actual breath in. He WAS a baby. Period. Yes, even though it has been 29 years this year – I’m still angry about that.

  • guin says:

    THANK-YOU!! For four years I have struggled with my loss and the lack of support or even care by anyone other than those who have been through this. I have often noticed that when I feel the most disconnected from society is when I know I am doing right by myself. While I will never be the final judge for what is right or wrong in this world, I will never understand how we as a society expect to have our cake and eat it, too. You cannot change words and what something is in order to make yourself feel vindicated.

  • Randall Adams, US Navy says:

    Me and my wife experienced a miscarriage and I still can’t emotionally recover. It doesn’t affect me normally. My wife posted this, but I read this and it hit hard. I thank you solo very much. I’m in the navy and they offer some help, but I don’t know if it’s the right help. I just don’t understand how people could ever end an innocent life.

  • Sharon says:

    Let me start by saying that I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child to miscarriage is a horrible and heartbreaking experience. Thank you for stepping up & stating what for many of us is obvious. It is heartbreaking that society has placed so little value on life. I personally believe that much of the violence around us stems from the approval of abortion. How can a young girl be charged with murder for placing her newborn in a trashcan, when society is so busy preaching that abortion is ok? Further, I believe that a lot women who choose to have abortions, later regret that decision. Yes, I too am against abortion and have also endured a miscarriage. Again, thank you & God Bless you!

  • […] How Abortion Has Changed the Discussion of Miscarriage […]

  • Nicole says:

    My husband and I suffered a miscarriage of our first baby more than four years ago. The doctor I saw at the time had zero sympathy for our loss. He scared me into having a D&C, even though I did not want it. I remember crying at the registration desk of the surgery center because they kept referring to the procedure as an abortion. I remember feeling incredulous at the nurses who asked me why I was crying, as they strapped my legs into the stirrups. The whole experience was so mundane to the staff there, but so devastating to me. I encountered some family and friends who were supportive and felt grief with me. But then there were others who acted like I should just “get over it”. That miscarriage was followed by three years of infertility. On Mother’s Day of this year, God blessed us with twins.

  • Andrea says:

    The same thing happened to me. I will never forget the sick feeling I had upon opening that hospital bill and seeing the word ABORTION staring back at me. It was so nauseating.

  • Andrea says:

    The same thing happened to me. I will never forget the sick feeling I had upon opening that hospital bill and seeing the word ABORTION staring back at me. It was so nauseating.

  • Last year I put together a group of Christian women who all shared one thing: we’ve all had miscarriages. The purpose was greater than just offering support to one another. I have been compiling our stories and writing a book “Loved Baby: Helping you survive the silent turmoil of Miscarriage” so that other women, in a place of darkness, can feel less alone ; and so friends and loved ones can read the boil and know how to offer comfort. Someone in our group shared this post on our private face book page and it started a robust conversation. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’ve just created a blog: allamericanmom.com that is primarily going to focus on miscarriage. I would be honored if you might visit the blog to see what I’m( through God) trying to accomplish. Best wishes! Sarah

  • Lisa Steadman says:

    I keep coming back to this. Thank you so much for putting these feelings into words we can share.

  • Ruth says:

    I don’t even know where to start, or if this will even be read, but I have to write it or I might implode. I should have been 13 weeks pregnant by now. At 8 weeks, we went for our first dating ultrasound, and they didn’t tell us anything except “This pregnancy isn’t viable. It probably died last week.” We were scheduled in to the public Early Pregnancy Clinic the next day, where they discussed out “options”: wait to miscarry naturally, have a surgical abortion, or have a medical abortion. We waited, desperately hoping they were wrong. We had an ultrasound every week for 4 weeks. I never heard or saw a heartbeat. They never even identified my baby; just two yolk sacs they said indicated twins, and a mass of tissue they called a “blood clot” one week, a “haematoma” the next week, and “macerating tissue” the next. That first week, it looked so much like a baby, I couldn’t understand why they couldn’t identify it. By the last week, there was no shape to it at all, and my hope I had clung to on an emotional rollercoaster filled with prayers and bad news suddenly vanished. My baby was already gone, and my body, still rife with morning sickness and healthy pregnancy symptoms, refused to accept it. Every week, the doctors had impatiently pushed us to abort, except they said it wasn’t aborting, because “there was no life there”. They showed no respect for my hopes and dreams,nor any understanding that this was a “wanted” child. I was torn between believing God could heal me & my baby, yet knowing there should have been more signs of life than we were seeing. Then on that last week, as the last thread of my hope shattered, at last a doctor called it a baby, acknowledged our loss, and apologised for the way we had been treated. At last, I felt maybe I could trust his advice; that he respected human life, and would not hide the truth from me, so I had the D&C. But even though there were never any signs of life to be found in the ultrasounds, and we waited until we were sure the ultrasounds weren’t missing anything, I still feel ashamed, and guilty. And even though they can’t be sure whether or not our baby even grew past the embryo stage, I’m heartbroken, and I long to hold my baby in my arms. And even though I have friends I can talk to who know the pain of miscarriage, and even though my husband is in this with me and is incredibly supportive, I still feel so alone. Because there’s someone missing in my life; someone who has become so much a part of who I am in just the few short weeks we were together. And no one knows what to say.

    Thank you for your post, and for sharing your own story. Even when our stories are so different, it helps to know there are others who share my grief, and know this unique type of loss: a beautiful relationship that should have been, but never was. I hope I meet my little one(s) in heaven one day, and I trust until then that God will keep them in His loving arms.

  • Sara says:

    I agree with everything younsaidd. I was told !y a well meaning friend that I shouldntnme upset over mynloss because its just tissule at that point . I have 3 angel babies who I never held and I still grieve thier loss. To us, we had planned their lives, names and loved them.
    We do have 2 beautiful daughters who we love but I am a mother to 5 with 3 angels.

  • SG says:

    You have finally put words to what everyone knows is true. I lost my first child at my 6th month of pregnancy. It was devastating. Happily I went on to have 2 more beautiful, healthy babies. Most of the time even my husband does not acknowledge that first child. But whenever someone asks me how many children I have, I say three, two who are living. I have to honor her somehow.

  • jayne says:

    Bravo for your courage to speak out about such a divisive topic and do it so eloquently. I am sorry for your loss. Here in my church community we celebrate those lost babies and even have a beautiful memorial in our cemetary for families to honor their babies by name. Here’s hoping some day all people will come to understand that those unborn babies truly are just that and I too continue the conversation to respect the lives of the unborn and to pray for those who lose their dreams of raising their baby. God bless!

  • Jen D. says:

    I agree they are babies. I have had 2 miscarriages 1 at 6 1/2 weeks and 1 at 9 1/2. 12 years after the 1 st. one I was in a minor car accident while pregnant with my middle daughter. the EMT was going over my history and while repeating it back said abortion instead of miscarriage. And I practically yelled at him I did NOT have an abortion I had a miscarriage. He said sorry that is how we code it to which I said well that is incorrect and should be coded differently. I just recently decided in therapy
    to name them a unisex name since I did not know gender
    since it was to early on. They are my children, they are loved, they have a name and I believe I will see them again in heaven. Since naming them it has helped in healing my heart.

  • Lisa M says:

    Thank you for sharing this story. My miscarriage was followed by the same “miscoding” incident. It wasn’t fun to receive a letter stating you owe thousands of dollars for an elective abortion after grieving the loss of your baby!

  • Mary Jasper says:

    as i read this my miscarriages all came flooding back to me as they often do….my heart STILL aches every sec of everyday for my lost BABIES. all i ever WANTED! i have sense had a son…could have killed us both but i was determined. we have sense made it our 1st year as been rough but full of love & laughter! i never spoke of any of the miscarriages as my heart ached to much already to speak to put it into words to HEAR it… was & @ times still is….unbearable! but you are right despite our pain we MUST speak up! we MUST tell the world MY neonatal life was just that LIFE!!! a baby! a WANTED child! am i against abortion? YES (if you can have sex than you can use protection!) am i against those who have or do? like you NO i love everyone the best i can. i state my opinion so they KNOW without doubt this “subject” will NOT be tolerated in my presence EVER. i stand with you! how can i help?

  • Melinda says:

    I posted this on Facebook yesterday and it just seems appropriate to share it here. Women who have had an abortion often come to regret it and and they too, are left with a void, but no voice for their grief.

    Here is the link, but you should know that it’s a open letter to the victim of abortion and it is a little difficult to read for some.
    http://www.defineyourdiva.com/2015/02/28/4-best-words-to-hear/

  • I’m so sorry for your loss. I have 4 wonderful children, but I’ve miscarried 6. The first time I saw the words “spontaneous abortion” in my medical file I was furious! Like you I believe that we need to talk a miscarriage. It’s painful and no woman should feel like she is all alone during such a difficult time. Last year I was writing about each of my lost babies on my blog, but I didn’t finish. Thank you for your article. I’m going to finish writing the stories of my lost babies.

  • Pat plaster says:

    AMEN and AMEN – not to discourage you but I lost a little one at about 5 – 5&1/2 months. It was devastating. That was 36 years ago and I still miss that baby. He is still a part of my heart and at times I can still cry. A child begins at conception and that’s a fact. God Bless you and all those sweet souls that have a little one waiting for them in heaven whether by miscarriage or abortion.

  • Samantha says:

    Your story has brought about some emotions that I thought were gone. I lost one of my twins. At the time I didn’t even know I was pregnant, so I just pushed those feelings of loss aside and figured it was for the best. Our daughter that did make it full term is happy and healthy.
    While I had perposly tried not to think of our loss as a child, I know millions of other women do. It’s all in how people cope with and rationalize their feelings.
    That being said, I have had one friend who suffered a miscarriage who was devastated and this article sheds some light on how we may have felt. I also have a cousin who found out at 20 weeks that her child did not have but a small part of developed brain and would be born stillborn. She lives in a state where abortion is illegal , so at the time she couldn’t be induced into labor. She carried her baby another 20 weeks and ended up in a physiatric facility after he was born. I can’t help but think that if she had been able to deliver ( abort or whatever you want to call it) her sanity may have remained in tact.
    Am I anti abortion? No. Would I ever have one? If I was in a medical situation, possibly. Do I think women should just abort unwanted children? No….. But when you look at how some children’s lives end up after years of neglect or the foster system, Gods open arms may have been more merciful. Unfortunately, the law for abortion can’t be passed with a “only if” stipulation. Sometimes there’s a no win answer.

  • Kim says:

    I agree. I would also say that there are many women that really griev over the lose of a baby through abortion. Many did not know God at the time or where very young or were pressured by the father or or their own parents. Many live w losS

  • A.M. says:

    Thank you thank you thank you for your words. My husband and I just experienced a miscarriage and just last night we were having a big discussion where I was trying to explain to him how important it was that I make sure we recognize that we were pregnant and there was a life. We talked about how hard it is to go through it and deal with it in relative loneliness and silence since there just ISN’T a conversation about miscarriage going on. Thank you for starting the conversation!

  • Melanie Gomez says:

    I have never felt silenced. I talk about my lost child pretty frequently. And I hear stories too. Silenced no. Unacknowledged by society yes. Would this acknowledgement change perspective about abortion? Absolutely! I think that is what you were really trying to say.

  • cherykie says:

    When I had a miscarriage , the hospital labeled it as a mis abortion. I just about went hysterical telling them to change it to miscarriage, not an abortion. They assured me in medical terms, a misabortion was the same as a miscarriage. I had to accept it, but never have a felt comfortable about that label.

  • Julie says:

    what a fascinating post! i experienced two miscarriages a couple of years ago and as God invited us to name those babies and assign them ‘hymns’ as we did for our two daughters who are now 6 & 3, we came face to face with a renewed vision of what it means to be “pro-life.” as God affirmed to our hearts that we did indeed lose babies, the implications are unavoidable. thanks for sharing this!

  • Katie says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am struggling with this grief and loss that I feel I’m not entitled to because of the gestational age of my lost baby. My baby, though only 6 weeks when he/she stopped growing will always be my baby. I had hopes and dreams and plans. And now I have an empty womb and silent tears.

  • Sonna says:

    Excellently put!

  • Ashley Davis says:

    You have such a beautiful way of explaining, and I love it!! A very good friend of mine had a miscarriage, and I didn’t know how to react, your article helped me understand some. I thank you for that!!

  • Natalie says:

    Becky-
    I read this post last summer. I remember thinking, “I may need this again someday..” And here I am. Needing it. Thank you.

  • Susan Abel says:

    Beautiful. Thank you. You’re right about society denying the loss of a baby in miscarriage. Carhart wants to say it’s up to the woman whether she mourns or rejoices, based on her feelings that supposedly don’t waver since he doesn’t know of one with regret from abortion. But the push to rejoice with the woman who claims to be glad steals, robs from the woman, society that would rightfully mourn the loss of good, beautiful life in all circumstances.

  • tammy says:

    There is one place that I’ve heard of. :)

    I found this to be a comforting idea after suffering two miscarriages.

    http://memorialfortheunborn.org/index.php

  • CG says:

    Thank you for this article. I happened to have read it just months before my pregnancy and then miscarriage. It was thought provoking then – and now.

  • Meghan says:

    Your words are so empowering and truly needed to be said. I never knew how common miscarriage was until I had one. My baby stoped growing not long after our 6 week check up, but my body was in aware.. My 10 week check up was when we found out she was no longer with us, we decided to wait it out and see if my body would do it on its own. Another week went by and nothing. I don’t know what was more traumatizing, the fact my body was still housing a being that didn’t exist anymore or the unknown of how much pain I would be on once I took the pills to help move the process along. After another Check up after the pills I was a work and all of a sudden was in excruciating pain.. I was curled up in a ball. I left early tears streaming down my face as I try to make it home to my boyfriend to go to the ER. I was admitted and had a D&C the next morning. I’ve never felt that kind of physical and emotional pain before and your words make it all feel better. That there is someone that feels the same way you do. Thank you so much for this.

  • Nicole says:

    It is so refreshing to see someone finally bring a voice to this. We have lost 4 babies to miscarriage and we loved and continue to love all of them. I still think about what they might look like or what they might be doing right now. We had hopes and dreams for them and it was so hurtful to be dismissed by family and friends that ‘it’s a good thing it happened now rather than later’, ‘it probably had a problem and it’s better this way’…even my Mother-in-law belittled the loss and just expected me to jump back into life like nothing had happened. I still have so much pain in my heart from the loss of my babies as well as from the coldness I felt from those around me. I didn’t get to hold my babies, or even see them. I was told by my doctor (for 2 of my miscarriages that were at the 11 and 12 week mark) that I would have to have a D&C because my body wasn’t naturally ‘sloughing the tissue’. I am so mad at myself now because at the time I was young and trusting of my DR. and now I have come to hear of other mothers who have been able to request their babies be given to them for a private burial. I was told it was ’tissue’. I thought it was too small for me to even make out what it was at that point. Had I known more I would have insisted on a full, intact removal of my baby and for me to be able to lay it to rest.
    I cannot believe how people look at and rationalize any of this. It’s painful…so painful.

  • sheila says:

    KJ, I must respectfully disagree with your last statement. I have lost 5 babies at various stages of development. Two were surgically aborted; their placentas attached to my fallopian tubes and both the babies and I would have died if the pregnancies were not terminated. Years later, I still grieve these losses. While I am sure some who choose abortion experience some grief, or loss, or perhaps regret , I see many others who proudly #shoutmyabortion. That sounds like the opposite of grief to me.

    I cannot fathom comparing my experience with that of one who boldly proclaims her right to and relief in termination of a pregnancy. Like the author of the this blog, I am not against women who choose abortion. At the same time, I certainly do not feel that they and I share similar perspectives on our respective ‘losses’.

  • Trudy says:

    “The Christmas Box” and, especially, “The Christmas Box Miracle” by Richard Paul Evans helped me after my miscarriages. There are also several Angel statues so parents have a place to grieve and heal. http://www.richardpaulevans.com/angel-statues/ It’s so helpful to have someone acknowledge our pain and loss!

  • Darla Glibbery says:

    I named my miscarried child Arden Elizabeth (I believe it was a girl) she died at two months gestational age. My children have dreamt of her. She has dark brown hair and eyes. I can’t wait to get to Heaven to see her. I’ve loved her since I knew she existed. All I have of her is the memory of the sound of her heartbeat. When people tell me that I am stupid for mourning her loss, I defiantly remember that sound and remember that as her mother, grieving my child is PERFECTLY appropriate.

  • Sylvia says:

    I believe there should be a funeral & burial for a miscarriage. Their time was short with their family but needs to be honored. I believe this helps with the grieving process & a grave site gives the family the affirmation of the life that was gone too soon & a visual affirmation of that life.

  • Anna del C. Dye says:

    I too had a miscarriage… I hurt so bad… it still does after 34 years. And the hospital did wrote it as an abortion… I wanted to hit each one of them so hard… I still do. HOW DARE THEM??? It was my baby…

  • Carla says:

    Thank you for this Becky.
    I completely agree with you.
    Shortly after my miscarriage a month ago the thought that kept going through my mind was ‘abortion’ – did I do something to make this happen? I have had to work very hard and make sure I am around people who affirm the fact that I lost my baby, it wasn’t my fault, and I am allowed to grieve.
    The saddest thing is this is an actual life that has died. We don’t keep the death of a family member or a child a secret, hidden, forcing us to grieve in silence, we tell people, and people are there to support us. So why do we do this and why are we encouraged to keep an unborn childs death a secret? I know I felt ‘dirty’, and ‘unworthy’ after the miscarriage, but why? That’s not what God says I am, I had to really trust him and believe that his beliefs of me are the only ones that matter.
    Lets not keep miscarriages a secret!

  • Frances Richards says:

    We too lost two babies due to miscarriage. Since m y age was approaching 39 my OBGYN decided it was best to purchase me on Clomid to speed things along. Three months later I was pregnant with our 2nd son, Kole. Carefully we waited through all the months excluding having having an amblocenthis because of my age and the previous miscarriages. 9mos later we were blessed with a happy healthy baby boy. Fast forward..I was talking to a friend about our losses Kole looked up at me and said “Mom I thought you only lost only one baby before me”I told him no there were twi.. He waited a moment and the wisdom of a 4yr old said ” that’s okay I’LL meet them when I get to Heaven” . I had always thought Kole was the baby that was to be here. Right then I knew…..

  • Bella says:

    Your post is brave, as a women who has had abortions, I struggle to understand the heartbreak when one has a miscarriage, yet a celebration for an abortion. It is a child, it is a loss. There has to be a way to fix this battle. It’s the biggest hypocrisy existing in our world. Women get fooled every day.

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